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#622121 01/11/06 08:51 PM
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I really am at a loss...

I don't know how I feel about h anymore...

I don't know how h feels about me anymore...

I don't know if it's worth sticking it out for the sake of the kids if in fact that's what we are doing...

yesterday while out doing errands with my adorable dd who's 4..we came across a very young couple walking hand in hand...dd who's very affectionate questioned why that mom and dad (what she calls all grown ups) were holding hands like that. Is that sad or what? she's never seen her mom and dad holding hands or showing affection for eachother...she's got a boy in her class who she says she's going to marry...she doesn't say that when they grow up and get married she's going to hug him and kiss him she says when she grows up she's going to do his laundry. Is this the message I want to send my kids? is this the example of marriage I want them to have?

ugh!

LL

#622122 01/11/06 10:35 PM
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lostlove,

I'm very sorry for the difficult time you are having. I don't have children, but hopefully some of the people here that do can post some better advice on how to deal with this situation and kids involved.

What you are doing is showing your child what true love is, what patience, is, what commitment is. You are a fine example of a wife and mother. Don't put yourself down for DB'ing. You're standing for what you believe in and that's a beautiful lesson for your child.

Hugs.


Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
#622123 01/11/06 11:56 PM
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thanks for the kind words hope...

but...

am I really standing up for what I believe if I stay in a m that is not what I believe m should be?

am I standing up for what I believe if I allow my children to grow up in a home with parents who are little more than roomates?

LL

#622124 01/12/06 12:22 AM
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Quote:

am I really standing up for what I believe if I stay in a m that is not what I believe m should be?

am I standing up for what I believe if I allow my children to grow up in a home with parents who are little more than roomates?




That is a call honey that only you can make...I've been exactly where you are now...tried and tried and I gave up...while I can't say what is best for you...blondie and I have never looked back.

We may think we know what is best for our children, in trying to keep the family unit together...but if it's not a family well...what do you have to work with? What type of example are you setting for your children, remember history often does repeat history...is this current sitch acceptable behaviour to show them life/love as it should be? All questions I had to ask myself. I spoke with numerous Christian counselors before making my decision and trust me I did try. Can you look back in 10yrs and say what if? I know looking back at where I was, never would I go back there...it jaded me a bit with my R with Dave...can't tell you how many times I heard "I'm not Robert..." but LOL...look who ended up just like Robert...so you think I'm just a wee bit jaded more now...you betcha!!!


love, laughter and friendship, Lisa
#622125 01/19/06 04:53 AM
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things are...well...what they are...no better, no worse...still confused...is this it? is this what I fought for...hung in there for...went through hell for...why did I want him back and why can't I seem to change anything.

LL

#622126 01/19/06 04:28 PM
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I'm sorry you're still feeling this way, LL - really I am. I don't know what to say anymore. From this side it honestly looks like you're just sitting there saying "I've done all the changing and experiments I'm gonna do, and he's not changing." And "I hate this, but I'm NOT ready to do anything different". It was Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

I've asked you several times to tell us about what you would have to "know" or "see" to know that you were ready to do something different? You say, "I'll know".

Sweetie, of course nothing is different! When he started doing something different, like coming home to dinner, you didn't appreciate it - you said it broke the routine you had with the kids.

I am not saying that what you want is wrong. I just think that you can get what you want in small increments, small changes - BUT you have to be willing to do something, something different. It will never change by sitting around and saying "it's not changing".

I know you're tired and frustrated - but it does very much look like it's YOU that isn't willing to do any changing NOW (I am NOT talking about all the things you did before). What would it take for you to move in any direction - forward, backwards, sideways - whatever. What do you need to have happen for you to be willing to take a small start somewhere?

Hugs,
-H2H

#622127 01/20/06 07:08 AM
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Hey H2H,

I'm glad you're still stoping in from time to time...

As far as me trying something different...I am currently trying something different and that's to just go with the flow...to do my best to be happy despite the fact that my needs arent' being met.

But I can only take so much...

it had been 4 months since my h made and advance at me...last week he wathced tv with me...and when we went up to bed he say's "are you asleep" (uh? we just got into bed and you know it takes a while for me to fall asleep) "No?"..."wanna play?"...(WTF?)...."not really"..."maybe you need some coaxing?"..(WTF? some coaxing would have been for you to try to kiss me 3 hours ago not wait for us to get in bed and then ask me if I wanna play)..."you do realize that it's been 4 months since you've been interested in me? it's kinda hard for me to go from nothing to something" "well if that's how you feel" "I don't think you understand...I can't deal with the inconsistancy...I'd rather have nothing than have it once ever couple of months out of no where" "OK, well if that's how you feel today...there's always tommorrow"

(HUH?)

(do you hear me?)


"I don't want to fight with you but this has always been a problem...and I'm starting to not think it's a problem with you...it's a problem with US if we don't have an emotional connection how can I expect there to be a physical connection?"

"OK, well I have to move over here...I'm not moving away from you I just need to be comfortable to sleep."

(HUH?)

That was a week ago...wanna bet we go another 4 months before he suddenly gets horny outa left field and I'm supposed to just say...Oh, OK You're interested now let me get into it...oh wait I'm used to being alone for this stuff..how do I do this with an active participant?

go ahead and shoot me down again...tell me that when I get what I want I'm not happy...it's not enough...now think about it...I've been trying to deal with the sex issue for years...I can play along and think...yeah! this is great again only to discover it's not going to happen again for a month at best or I can be realistic and say...I'm not falling into this trap again...don't give me what I'll want more of if you're then going to deny me it...I'd rather not have it.

LL

#622128 01/20/06 12:46 PM
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Hi LL,
Yes, I'm still around, but I am away on business until the end of the month, so I have less time here on the BB.

Well,you're right that I would say that when you get what you want you reject it . . . I will admit that the 'invite' to play wasn't a 'sweep you off your feet' kind of proposal, but LL, what incentive is there for him to even bother trying again? Why would he try harder to meet your expectations, when you clearly show no love or compassion or effort to get there with him?

I'm sorry LL, but you are clearly not going to get what you want by "going with the flow" or waiting for it to spontaneously occur to H. to be romantic and often....

I'm not trying to shoot down - I simply disagree with your tactics. I see a woman who is sad and frustrated and it oozes out in every instance. I'd be very AFRAID to approach you for anything because I stand no chance of getting a "response" . . . instead, I'd get a lashing on how I'm not good enough.

I truly don't want to dish out whacks - I very simply disagree with you. I know it's not easy and I know that I too get so super frustrated at times that I am unable to respond in a way that gets me closer to what I want. But that's me...

Now what would happen if tonight you initiated a bit of what you were looking for last night (kissing, whatever)? Would he respond? Again, I'd be afraid if I were in his shoes, but I'm asking you what you think he would do?

Hugs,
-H2H


#622129 01/20/06 01:25 PM
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Now what would happen if tonight you initiated a bit of what you were looking for last night (kissing, whatever)? Would he respond? Again, I'd be afraid if I were in his shoes, but I'm asking you what you think he would do?





After having my advances rejected over the years I've just stopped iniating.

#622130 01/20/06 01:31 PM
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After having my advances rejected over the years I've just stopped iniating.



Exactly! So by imitating his behavior of rejection, you expect that he'll keep trying, only better? This is exactly what I was talking about - you give ZERO incentive to try again or ever! And YOU know how that feels because you've lived it.

LL, this is going to sound harsh, but here goes: Get over yourself! You are clearly not happy, and you keep choosing to do what is NOT working. Someone has to break the silly cycle of "no, YOU first" . . . and since you're the one here venting your confusion and unhappiness, I'm thinking it's YOU that has to do something different.

You can stay stuck behind your expectations, CREATING exactly what you experience in the world OR you can push those useless expectations aside and try creating a better experience - with or without H., that part is up to you.

What do you hope to get out of being here? What are you searching for?

hugs,
-H2H

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