Jay - thanks for the reply. I think it would be better if I had a partner but I'm not healed from the previous so it wouldn't be fair to that man.
I know It'd be easy to forget Andy if I had somebody else, but to me, I want to be with someone because I love them, not because I'm trying to escape Andy. If it was you that was my partner, you would want to know that I loved you and I wasn't just there because I hate being single.
Also, the disability puts men off so I DON'T get men approaching me, as in NEVER. Pretty face doesn't get you anywhere if your legs don't look right. The other men I have been with were there because it started as a sex thing, and men will have you sexually in any circumstance, I found. From those sexual affairs, I dated one for 5 months, but he had an issue with the VS I suffer with.
I have spent years trying to be sexually healthy (physically) - I have no problem with it emotionally. My drive is high, but physically I am unhealthy. When I do ML I can only do it once in one night because of the VS, very rarely sometimes more, but generally once, then I have to wait 2 days or so for the swelling to go down before I can do it again.
Even so, it still means I can ML 3 or 4 times a week, and often did in my M, but I found that the guys I went with all had a problem with this. They all wanted more than one time in a night and all wanted to go on longer than I could. Even when I said 'I am in PAIN, you are HURTING me' they would act as if I'm just saying that because I was hung up about sex. Not one of them understood the VS even when I explained. The guy I dated for 5 months, he looked it up on the internet, he asked me about treatments I was having - he knew all about it, but when it came to our SL, he had no understanding. When I said 'you can't do this every day', he just complained my SD was lower than his, and it had nothing to do with drive. I'd tell him just once tonight as more than that hurts, and he'd just say 'you're alright' as if I hadn't said anything or he'd ask to sleep with me again and I'd end up having to say NO and ruining the mood.
The crunch point happened when he asked to come over and I agreed but reminded him, 'just once tonight' and he got angry, started saying I don't love him blah blah blah and then refused to come over for a planned date just because of the VS. There were other problems too, so I called it off with him.
One of my one night stands was the same, wouldn't accept just once, really hurt me physically. I ended up with open, bleeding wounds on me afterwards and being in pain for a week after.
Even with Andy, I struggled with it. Early in our R he thought it was his fault that I didn't usually 'O' - I tried to explain, it's medical, not you, but he went into this self-blame thing.
Sometimes he'd refuse to ML because he was scared of hurting me, and I'd have to persuade him. He said that he was prepared to live in a celibate M, that he loved me and didn't care if he never ML as long as we could be together. Sweet, romantic, but not viable for a healthy M.
I had to persuade him that it was necessary to have a SL for our M. It took him about 2 years before he stopped being scared of the VS.
So, the very long point I am trying to make is, I'd have to find someone that not only saw through my disability, but also that was prepared to work round the VS. This means 'adapting' the SL to fit with it and most men wouldn't in my opinion. 'I love you but take me on even though I'm sick with a life-long syndrome', - yeah, right.
What with the failure of my M, and all the problems I get with my 'womanhood' - I just think of it as a sign that maybe I'm not meant to have a sexual R. It hurts me emotionally like hell because I think sex and intimacy is beautiful, but I can't see anyone wanting to be my lover with all that - not apart from casual sex, anyway.
When the men on here compliment me, it's the only time I ever feel any hope, 'they find me attractive, maybe not all is lost', type of thing.
But thanks for your friendship, and thanks Jill, for the hug.
I looked up housing co-op's after Ellie's suggestion, and found 2. One was Victorian housing, so not suitable (too many steps). There is a spiritual community in Findhorn (Scotland) which would be a possibility. You can join them long term if you first go to work with them for 2 weeks and see how you get on.
They have been building and developing this eco-village since the 1980's and doing re-forestry programmes, spiritual retreats etc. I knew about them since I was 13 and have toyed with the idea of going there since then.
I am going to write to them and ask if there's any possibility of a longer term move for a disabled mother and her 3 year old. I could start saving some money and maybe plan to go there next summer. It would give me something to focus on.
If they won't accept me longer term, I could go short term and see if I can get my foot in the door like that. They might be willing to take me on if we've met first.
Other than that, there is a wiccan community - except they live in tents so I reckon that would be grounds for Andy taking custody of DD4, if I tried to move her to that type of community. He takes our other DD's to home ed camps all year and actually agrees with that lifestyle but you know he'd say anything to get her.
I could ask my wiccan friend more about it, though. Even if I didn't stay, but just went a few times a year, it would be a bit of relief.
I don't know any other places.
I'm also going to apply to the Greek Consulate for dual Citizenship. I was baptized in the Greek Orthodox church. I grew up being spoken to in Greek by my parents, I ate Greek food at our table, not English, they called me 'Yana' (Jo in Greek). I listened to Greek music, attended Greek Nights and Belly Dancing, half of my family live in Greece. I deserve dual citizenship! I only have UK citizenship because I was born here. So I'm making arrangements for naturalization with the Greek Consulate. It'll make it easier to get a house there if I ever want to in future.
I'm also applying for new jobs as I think that might help. Working from home is tough in my sitch.
I don't want you to have a partner just to forget Andy, but what I want you to understand and start to feel is that you are plenty good enough to be someone elses wife. The issues with the number of times a day to have sex is selfish on the mans part. A real man would see that sex is important but that you have much more that just sex to offer. My sex life was great when my wife turned about 29, then it go better and better. It wasn't about the number of times I got it, it was we learned how to please each other. In the beginning once for her was it, she would be to sore to do it again, but later on she could O 2-4 times to my once. I was more satisfied with our sex life because of the thrill of pleasing her.
I understand that depression makes us see all of our faults and weaknesses, then we get more depressed. The physical things will not be a problem for a man who really loves you. You are pretty, talented and very smart, right now you are just kind of "stuck in the mud". You are young and bright, once you get through the mud you will flourish.
Jo we just have to change something, we just can't spin our tires in the mud, maybe we need to get a little pull from someone to get unstuck.
But what if the very thing that was supposed to cause your W pleasure, just caused her pain instead?
What if you couldn't touch her without her swelling up? What if her nerve endings were damaged so sometimes - and mericifully only sometimes - she couldn't physically feel sex? What if every time you slept together, she got pain afterwards and so you couldn't lie together and cuddle because she'd have to sit in a bath to ease it?
What if you had to see her in tears from pain because you'd just ML and know that the very way you express love, just hurts her? And know that theres no cure, this is for life.
What if she had to plaster herself in topical meds every day to 'control' symptoms so OS is out of the question (for her, at least), that if she uses any kind of soap, bubble bath, bio washing powder etc, she breaks out in bleeding sores?
Because that woman is me and I've had to go through all of that to have a good SL and I know from what Andy went through that it is really difficult to be the husband of a woman who has this. He had to watch me in pain knowing he caused it. We DID get through it, but I have seen him crying like a baby over it.
Anyone I went with would likely face a lot of these issues, and although there's more to me than sex and I know I have things to offer, is it really fair to a man to wait till he's in love with me and then expect him to live with it for the rest of his life?
Just because I have to work around it, doesn't mean anyone else should have to, in my opinion.
I didn't know I had it when I met Andy. I thought it was curable. They gave me the diagnosis at 18 years old and right then I gave him the option of leaving me, but he chose to stay. In fact, he was appalled that I'd suggested him taking up with a 'healthy' woman.
I know I could possibly find a partner, I'm just not sure it's fair to him.
The pain that you have from VS, I am sure its horrible and I wish there was a cure that could help you. I really just want you to see your assets, you are a great person.
I know that somewhere, when you are ready there will be a man that is able to be madly in love with you and happy even though you have VS.
As a man, myself I would rather have a women that could only have sex a few times a month than one that plays games, lies about everything and sleeps with other men the first time she meets them because they are cute. I would rather have sex withheld from me for a real medical issue than having it withheld every other month because she thinks she is in love with someone else.
If I had the choice between two women, one that was upfront with me about things like VS or anything else and one who is a "Ten" but is manipulative, I would choose the honest one.
Jo it is hard for me to explain what I mean, please don't take anything I am saying the wrong way. To me you have a lot more assets than you give yourself credit for. I don't know if it would help, but focus on your good things only. I block out bad thoughts by changing what I am doing. Example for me I feel better thinking of a future lover than, picturing images of XW and her OM. When the bad images come to my mind, "I change the channel" so to speak.
I know what you mean. I'm not as down as I was the other day.
My friend came over with a bottle of champagne yesterday and we drank that to celebrate my book. She was shocked how big the book is, it's definitely chunky in the scale of book sizes. Anyway, she now wants a copy - her character is in the book and her husband is.
I told her, I bet you've never starred in a book before!
I don't know how my mood will be on Friday, though, as that was my 10th wedding anniversary and I have to see Andy because DD4 is in the pre-school Christmas Concert. I'm not looking forward to that. I'm okay now because I've not seen him for a couple of days.
Thankfully I go on holiday straight after the concert so at least that will distract me. DD4 and I will get to eat out in a restaurant.
It links to the publisher when you want to order, though, and he's not the cheapest supplier. Amazon France appears to be cheapest (when converted from euros, their price is £16 - it's a BIG book for a romance, lol). Here's their link, not sure if this works:
Then there's A1 Books, they are selling it at 14% off the normal price. Their prices are in American dollars though, so I'm not sure how much that is in £, but they're worth a look at. Are you English, Liv? For some reason I assumed so.
