No fairytale in reconciliation

[HopelessRed]

I'm back to these boards after a couple months... posted in the separated forum as well since that's where my story had begun. I think this might be the right place as well though.

Separated 3 months, reconciled 2 months ago

Recap on the last couple months.... I think I posted last before H and I were off to Vegas for a few days. It was a great time except for the last night there when I was feeling particularly emotional and H didn't respond well to it. In fairness, I shouldn't have brought anything heavy into our fun time there. I got H a fabulous, very fancy new watch while we were there and presented it to him on the last night while we were getting ready for a 5 star dinner. It was important to me to give something to remember the signifigance of the trip together.

After Vegas, H moved back home for good. Prior to that he had been staying a few nights but still expressed concern in taking things slow and so I wouldn't know when he was going to feel the need to go back to his place. I asked him to either come back for good or stay away longer, explaining either was fine with me but it wasn't fair to put me in limbo. Of course I was delighted to have us under the same roof again for good.

The problems that we've been encountering the last couple months can be summed up with me being emotionally triggered by something, a random thought, a place, something on tv... and needing to talk to husband to get empathy and reassurance. Most often though I've been met with defensiveness and anger. We continued with therapy together and are trying to learn better communication skills. H will blame me for not bringing up something in the 'right' way and that's what justifies his response back. He also has said that that it feels like I'm constantly bringing stuff up. In my head it doesn't feel frequent at all given the amount of pain I'm still carrying around and the thoughts that haunt me. I tried to semi go dark on things for a week and he accused me of becoming a zombie, ha! He'll say he wants me to feel safe to bring up anything, that he wants to help me feel better about myself, but then when I do I feel like a fool for trusting it and things are worse after.

We had a tiff after Thanksgiving that got ugly. We had another all-out fight at our company holiday party that resulted in him demanding to leave. I'm not painting myself as innocent in these situations but I do feel that I was looking for empathy from him at times and he just couldn't give it to me. And it hurts that these big events that could be creating new wonderful memories for us have been tainted with negativity.

Now the turning point has come in the last couple days. There was a woman that H casually dated from our work while we were separated. He did tell me of this as we were first starting to reconcile. It broke my heart, yes it was physical as well, and upset me because we had set only one rule during our separation... no dating anyone from our workplace. Though H wasn't always kindly willing, he did answer all the questions I asked regarding this OW. It was a fling basically and he says he regrets it. He truly believed we were over for good and though he broke our one rule, he was living a single life at that time. I've tried to let it go and have done pretty well I think.

Now just a couple days ago I came across something that indicated there was a nother woman he didn't tell me about. Again, I'm trying not to hold this against him since it was while we were separated -- so it's my own crap to deal with. There were pictures that I came across basically and I confronted my H who is ironically traveling on business to the same place that this one-night stand happened while we were separated. I was devestated all over again, felt myself quickly slide to that dark place where you can't eat and can barely breathe. I was devestated and disgusted and trying to not lose total respect for H. Trying to see what he would have gotten out of this and rationalize his feelings at the time. Why there would be photos at all is beyond me. Now they are stuck in my head like billboards on the brain. H did apologize for not telling me, felt bad that I came across the pictures and understood how hard it must have been on me to find them (on the computer -- and no I wasn't even snooping for anything, lol, I was working on a project for christmas!).

H has now acknowledged that he had put up a bit of a wall when he came back, to protect his own emotions he says. It was great to have him admit this because it's what I felt all along but he would deny. I feel like I was being so completely vulnerable to him at first and then as my emotional needs continued to not be met, I put up my own wall. I don't know how to make myself open again given the new information. I don't know how to completely trust there isn't more that I don't know. I don't know how to let go of the images and I don't want it to ruin our sex life now. I used to be so confident and vibrant and sexy and now I feel none of that.

I have to get past the things that while we were separated, while I was in the worst possible low of my life, my H was out having fun with other women. How? While I was comforting our son for missing his daddy so much, he was out living it up. I know everyone deals with pain or rough times differently and I can't judge one way as right or wrong. And yes, at least we were separated and it wasn't while we were together. I worry there was more he's not telling me. In fairness, H accuses me (some may remember this from previous posts a while back) of crossing the line with a male coworker over a year ago. There was never anything that happened, he is a very close friend of a female friend of mine, like brother/sister and almost dating another female friend of ours. But I do try to respect that H still wonders about that time and though he tries to trust me it still bothers him a bit. Actually I think it bothers him a lot since he yells some pretty crude things at me about it in the middle of arguments. So much for him telling me to let things go eh?

I WANT to feel secure in H's love for me now and it's great that he's acknowledged he hasn't done a wonderful job of making me feel that way. Now how do I trust he's going to? I WANT to let things go from the recent past and accept them as a silly time for a male to go out and be single and dumb. But I'm very, very afraid. I feel like we're back to square one in a way. I have to figure out IF I can really do this. It's not fair to him or me if I just can't move forward. I don't want to punish him for anything indirectly and withold love from him but I'm certainly not feeling overwhelmingly loving toward him (I honestly was when he first came back). I worry that he'll say he wants to make up for things now but that it's just not going to happen and I'll face more heartache and be a fool for it. I worry that it's only a matter of time before he gets dissastisfied and leaves again (this was separation #2 and he's mentioned divorce for years). I worry that I'm being quite foolish to make myself vulnerable again, that perhaps there does reach a point where there's just too much to move past. Ironically, that's what H told me when he left months ago. Our 8 year marriage was just so up and down. I took the separation seriously and put my life in better order so I could put my partner first in life, whether it was going to be H returning or someone else in the future.

Sorry for the length and thanks to anyone who reads and responds. I know I'm just having a down few days and it sucks because I thought I was beyond these feelings. I actually have individual therapy in a couple hours so hopefully it will do me some good.

[brandnewday]

I think the one thing that all of us LBS don;t really think about is how will it be IF and WHEN our spouses return?
I honestly believe it will be just as hard as you are describing. Trying to rebuild trust that was lost, and trying to feel like things are better when the pain is still there.
Communication and doing it properly without making the other person defensive is the key, but it is also a skill that has to be learned.
I don;t have any answers, but I can totally relate to what you are sharing.
I too have times when my mind will go back and I will think to the days of the decit and the lies and betrayal. I try really hard to get those thoughts out of my head before they take over.
Prayer helps!!