While reading posts I notice that alot of people are praying alot. Am I crazy or not. I can't admit this to anyone I know but I am mad at God. I curse him sometimes. I know it is wrong but I feel that he left me. I feel like all I have is myself and sometimes I wished that I would die. No, I am not a newcomer. No, I don't want my M back. I would just like to sleep one night without nightmares or sleep the whole night through. Crazy times are suppose to pass.
Par4Me Your pain sounds so deep in your post. Are you in therapy? You sound as if you really need some one to talk to. I hope you reach out and get the help that you need. God Bless
I know what you are feeling and thinking and saying. I have never been a church going person, but I believe in God. I talk to God. Going through the D, I prayed for him to make my (nowX) H to change his mind, etc. Then I changed direction and asked for strength and guidance.
Now, I think that God does have some sort of plan or general way for all of us.
Hang in there and it will get better, I promise. Nightmares will pass. You will find peace. It just takes time and I know how hard that is.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
I am sorry for your pain. You are mad at God, but He has not forsaken you. He just has another plan for your life. I know when I got D'ed it took me a long time to believe it was right. Now, I see how I have grown and found myself. I would not go back to the marriage for anything.
If you can, pray that God will encircle you with his loving arms and give you peace. Have faith and believe that all this is in his plan. It may take time, but in the end you will find it.
When In Iraq I prayed for happy dreams and not about over there or My WAW at the time. It works. Most were boring and neutral.
I listen to a Christian Radio Station while I sleep knowing often what you hear while asleep impacts your dreams. TV is not so good too many showmen masquarding as preachers. (not an condemation of all of them but I see things I do not like)
Often I wake up and I praise God. I espicially do when things are not going well which has been most of the time in the last 3 years. Doesn't matter. I was not promised a rose without thorns. I read this BB and realize I got it pretty good in this world so I do not complain.
It's a lot easier when I realize I was responsible for the Lions share of the problems for the M so I would have to be mad at myself which is stupid. I had the freewill to make stupid decisions and my X has the same. Love of another person or God is a willful decision made daily at least. I do not regret the freewill to make those decisions or the results thereof.
Changes in the aditude are gradual and require persistance. Roller Coaster gradually flattens out. If anyone promises instant results they lie or are selling antidepressents.
When I made the decision to rededicate my life to Christ things got much worse. The difference I was made much stronger to handle it or simply not pay it much mind and concentrate on important tasks. The request was to take up your cross and drag it. My reward was splinters and Peace of mind. Honestly was a good deal.
However I do drop the cross often I'm human and I pay for it. No worries.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
So you're angry at God? Well, considering the mess your in being angry is not unusual. And it shows you have a relationship with Him. You don't get very angry at a total stranger.
So, go ahead, scream at Him, complain to Him, cry to Him until you can't anymore. Pray to Him too in the midst of your grief. Listen for Him in the quietness that comes at times despite the struggle.
I found that after a time, I screamed with Him at evil, not people; complained with Him at unfairness, not unfair people; and cried with Him for the pain of hurting people.
I learned about me, some of which I didn't like. I was surprised at how much about me I liked but mostly how muched He loved me, despite myself.
I learned that He loves us no matter what we do or say. He loves us because we are.
You are right I guess I do have a relationship with Him or I wouldn't feel that He let me down. Oh well, for now life sucks and I try to repress the feelings of being mad at God or anyone. They say anger is a step but I really don't want to be an athist. But on the other hand God hasn't exactly done much for me and I have not done anything for Him. Praying-the power of praying they say-it seems like hoping and asking for things that you want but can't get by yourself.
HEY! HELLO EVERYONE I AM BACK. COMPUTER WAS ELSEWHERE AND MESSED UP. I LEFT HIM. I TOOK A CHANGE OF CLOTHES AND LEFT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. I FIND I AM ANGRY WITH HIM. MY MIND KEEPS TELLING ME WE SHOULD NOT BE BROKEN UP AND WE WOULDN'T BE IF HE WASN'T SO STUBBORN. ANYTHING IS EASIER THAN SAYING THE TRUTH IS HE USED ME TO GET WHAT HE WANTED AND NOW HE WANTS ME OUT OF LIFE PERMANENTLY. AND TO THINK HE SWEARS I WAS USING HIM BUT I ASK YOU IF I AM THE ONE THAT HAS TO PAY OFF THE DEBTS WE BOTH RACKED UP AND I AM LIVING WITH MY BROTHER AND HE HAS THE HOUSE WHO GOT USED? THE ANGER WILL PASS AND YOU CAN USE ANGER AS EXTRA WIND WHEN YOU ARE TIRED.
Hey... been there. Just a couple weeks ago, I was yelling angrily at God. Asking him why these things were happening. Why did I lose the girl I loved and cared for for so many years. Etc, Etc.
Then a great friend tells me his wife has Breast Cancer and it may have spread through the body. He and his wife have done more for me and others than I can possibly describe. The most giving people I have known. And serve God like crazy.
I asked god why he was allowing this. I was so mad. Then it turns out the cancer is treatable and has not spread. I then re-thank my anger at him and re-looked at my own situation. Frankly, there is much to be happy about in spite of all of my pain, confusion, and loss.
I still do not understand it all... but when I gave up understanding things and just became grateful, then my perspective changed.
I still have quesitons for God. Some answers are emerging already.
But the anger has subsided. Perhaps it is all part of the process of learning. It aint fun. I am there with you on that.
