I'm not piecing yet. Maybe I never will be, I pray each day for God's intervention. My H and I have 3 small boys, we are separated, he has OW, things were not great between us, but I was blind. We work opposite shifts and he is also in school. he takes the kids on Tues and Thurs while I am at work. but the weekends are a different story. I never know if/when he will show up, or for how long. It's been 12 + weeks now and I basically let him do as he pleases. He has not asked for an overnight yet. When he left, I asked him not to take them right away b/c I couldn't take it, he agreed, I am also nursing. I know that it is only a matter of time. Between now and then I keep being told that I need to set boundaries re: him making plans for the kids. I just don't know how, and am constantly afraid that whatever I do will only drive the wedge that we have between us deeper. We barely talk at all, mostly around the kids, so there isn't much said there as we are both good enough parents not to say things infront of them. I so desperately want to talk with him more, but I wait for him to lead. I am looking for advise from anyone who has survived far enough to be piecing who has had to deal with this type of boundary issue with a spouse. Although I know that every stich is different, please give me some ideas of what has worked.
I just read your post and wonder what it is you are trying to achieve with your h. Is he asking for the kids overnight? I would suggest that you allow him to have them overnight if possible. This can do 2 things: 1. Add mystery to your life as he gets a chance to wonder what you are about and 2. give him a taste of single parenting. Kids might put a damper on his activities.
This is only my advice. My boys were 11 and 12 when their dad left us. I also had a very hard time with it but my boys were able to vocalize how disgusted they were with their father which made my h's activities very limited (he couldn't have gal friends over cause my boys hated him and didn't want to come back). Whereas your children are too small, they may be able to remind him how important family is and may also give you more of a reason to call him and ask how they are.
I would suggest that you begin to add more mystery to yourself by maybe doing some changes to the house that would surprise him when he drops in. Or change your clothes to a different style, change your hair, get a nose piercing, take up a sport. Anything that will get him wondering what's up would be helpful. I remember clearing out all the 'extras' from our home when the h moved out. He came around a bit more to find out what else was going out on the rubbish heap...gave me an opportunity to wear something provocative on those occassions !
Don't give in yet. My h and were separated for 2 years and we've been back together now for 2 years. Keep your chin up and stay very busy.
When he asks for an overnight I will give it to him. Although I hope to have a few days warning. My concern right now is the weekends. First he takes them Tues and Thurs mornings. On the weekend he stops by on either Sat or Sun, and I never know when. This is how is has gone. First weekend, expected - no show (each day) Second weekend part of Sun at planned event for his great aunt third weekend no contact forth through sixth planned visits. limited and not timely Seventh was a turning point, he said that he would call when he wok up Sun come over, needed help with a paper and wanted to see kids b4 work (at 5) he called while on his way at 6, I was driving down the driveway, I ran my errand and came home so the kids could see their father. He barely spoke to them and left at 8:30 Weekend 8-12 he has not planned anything in advance, show up at the door without calling sometimes, others he calls and is upset if I have not returned his call within an hour. One of those weekends was his son's first birthday, whose party he missed b/c according to him I failed to remind him enough times (3 since move out not enough) I try to get him to comit to something, ie church, Halloween trick or treating. Thus far I can't get much more than a few hours notice. I am not being too assertive. What I want is notice. BTW the Tues/Thurs thing is another not so consistent thing, but I work those days, so it is just getting daycare coverage, not affecting my plans directly. He is not being a good father right now, I don't want to point this out to him too directly, won't do much for our R. Yes he needs to have the kids for a few days by himself. Needs the middle of the night calls, the wet beds and cloths, the spit-up the cries, the refusal to sleep, the laundry, the feeding, the shoping with them, the getting them up and dressed and out the door timely. My twins will be 3 soon and he has never had to do this.
Just to update. I just spoke with H and asked about this weekend, mentioned my cousin's b-day party on Sunday. He said that he was hesitent b/c my family hates him right now, we bantered a little about that, he said that he would think about it. Also said that he was going to get together with his dad sometime over the weekend, and that he might pick up a shift or two. basically gave me nothing. I feel strongly that I need to get him to be more accountable and give me advance information. Don't care what his other plans are (can't) but I need to be able to make plans. He can't assume that I will always be waiting for his arrival. But I also don't want to push HELP
Alright, I asked if he had made any decisions about the weekend, H told me that he wasn't going to the party. Ok, did you pick up any shifts, no, I've got alot of studying to catch up on.... but I'll be around I want to clean out the garage so that you can get your car in it. Told him that his family was having a party on Sunday. he told me that he had a mandatory meeting for work (w/OW) on Sat am. So I said Do you know when you'll be around, so I can make plans?" he said I don't know when the meeting is... I gotta go. Is he doing this to me on purpose. How do I get him to give me some comitment regarding his children without pushing too hard.
I think right now you are too predictable. You are usually asking him for his confirmation on his plans. Well change that by no longer asking. Make your own plans. And if yours are set when he calls oh well. He refuses to plan ahead in order to mess you up. Well if you call him and try to make plans say I want answer by so and so day and if nothing then go ahead with what you want to do. If he should call when you are already on your way to do what you had planned...oh well. you tried at the beginning. You can simply say I know you feel bad for not getting the kids and I'm on my way some where. Maybe next weekend when you want to see them you can let me know by Thursday what your plans are for friday.
Don't try to accommodate him any longer...you've been doing that with him ending up not respecting your schedule. Do the opposite by not being available and sticking to your own schedule. Don't be so accommodating.
H called told me that he was under the gun at school, needed to see if he could get coverage for the kids for tomorrow for all or part of the day. H suggested my parents or his sister. I told him that I would check with my parents over lunch and would get back to him after, also told him to check with his sister. After H spoke with sister he called me back, she can take them in the am. I told him that my preference was not to have to get up an hour earlier if I could avoid it, as I have to get up earlier, get the kids up earlier and drive well out of my way to get to her. He agreed, and I told him that I would call him after lunch as wee discussed. Issue: 1 its his own fault that he is behind in school. If he wasn't running around then he could be caught up. Not my fault. I have to do everything around the kids and he doesn't help. Heck when does he think I get a break to do my second job???? (its a night/wkend at home mostly job) 2 My parents could use a break 3 It is inconvenient and expenseive to run to his sisters, but she does love the boys, takes good care of them and it would be nice to talk to her 4 kid time with dad So do I let the world come crashing down or get coverage.
other aside: he invited me to his mom's side's family thanksgiving dinner on Sunday
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