walkingback, thank you darling, sweetie, treasure, your words helped me alot. you know, when W left july 05, i DBd to my best, and in September of 05, when everything i thought were baby steps, i called one day and she sort of pressured me to file because she was still with OM. that killed me again. you know, i am terrified to go through that again. i have to say that for a brief moment i was happy, but i have now the experience to know that maybe it was a moment of civility. i would like to ask you specifically mean by loving detachment. thanks for evertything.
spent 3 days with daughters, they are so wonderful!!! they are a gift of God truly. oh well, the bad part of the trip is that youngest D mentioned the name of OM. that killed me. so, that is the situation, W does hang out with Ds and OM. i got them to a room and asked them, they said no that they dont spend time with OM but that they sometimes see him. i called XW, and blasted her, insults and all, could not control my anger and resentment. 2 days have passed and i dont regret the outburst, i actually do understand. however, i have ACCEPTED the situation and that she will be with OM o other OM in her life, and if my Ds live with her, they will have to get used to that situation as well. i dont care anymore. i just dont want to talk to her anymore. or have contact. i know this is not DBing, but hey, i am feeling more in control of my life. i am feeling more powerful because i can react with anger and with self judgement (even though it doesnt help the DBing process). i care for Ds, and i send money, and travel to see them. i just dont want to be in contact with XW anymore. i am done with the hopes and wishes that she will one day wake up. i am not closing doors, but i need to go through this inner change of detachment (maybe not DBappropriate) but it sure feels better than feeling like a toy of her life.
My 1st W and i get along well. We have 2 very well adjusted sons. I went through a breif phase like your going through now. My ex forgave my very rare outbursts and I forgave her infidelity. We still love eachother, in a caring way only. The boys always come 1st for both of us. Someday we will be at their wedding and there will be no drama.
your not trying to save a marriage right now as much as make your kids life the best possible. You are detaching from the ex, but do it with love. For you, for the kids, and even for her.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
oh well, i could not find my own posts. sort of like after page four, there was not my post. so i am writing in the hopes that my posts dont get lost. same situation, no critical updates, just exercising and feeling better, getting used to living with myself. it takes 2 years to mourn, next july it will be a year. i still think and get a bit sad, but nothing compared to the devastation of 8 months ago.
update, same thing happened, could not find my thread, so i have to write something, of course its also time. tomorrow i pick up my beautiful daughters, they will spend three weeks with me. my sit is the same, only WAW writes in order to be a good parent. i dont even bother to answer because i am actually angry, but so used to the sit, that it doesnt change anything if i do answer back. it is a real LRT, i dont care (of course i do, everyday i thing about her) but, since nothing changes and time goes on, there is no difference. just being better at filling my hours, working, sports, etc. gook luck to you all. where is tambo????????????????
update, my Ds left two weeks ago, in the airport my youngest D cried so much, that it really broke my heart.... but i reacted the way i read in a book, i hugged her, identified her emotions, and let time pass.... then she recovered and was fine. well, the sit is in status quo. no communication from my part, from hers, its like she wants to be a good parent, and thus trying to be a friend (we only write however) . the more time passes, the less i need or want of her, so it is really sad that the process is moving forward.... everyone is getting used to this new way of life..... nowadays, my emotions range from indifference to anger to less and less, sadness. but, the big but, is that we do not communicate. i read ny survivor new post, what a lousy attitude of the WAS, its like she was playing head games, he is better off really moving on, and i wonder where tambo is, i would really like to read an update.
hello everyone, i need serious advice. or ideas, opinions,........ well, so far i am moving along better emotionally, time sure makes one heal, and i am definitely doing better. my question is regardin my really lame DBing. W has written and writes really nice, only about daughters, she wishes me health, and is really open to friendship. i, however, do not wish to be friendly because i am still in love. what does this cause? well, just like NY Survivor, i bet that if we communicate, if i am nice, if we get along well, she will only say at some moment in time, ¨hey, i was only being a friend cause we have Ds, and because i like you as a friend¨. i do not want to hear that, because frankly i did not leave the R, i was committed to it, i was left behind. actually, that scenario happened at the 5th month of separation. we were communicating, and suddenly, i told her i missed her, or i loved her, and she calmly responded that she still was with OM. so, it is better to GAL and LRT. at least that is the conclusion NYsurvivor arrived. after all the friendship, his Ex told him that he misunderstood her, that she was on a different plane?????? WTF!!! well, that happened to me as well. so the question is, do i communicate? do i continue to LRT? do i forget about everything and move on? i guess i shouldnt lie to myself, why on earth do i keep reading daily the wonderful forum, and keep on posting? i wish someone would objectively analyze and post their perspective. i need serious input. hugs and strength to everyone out there in the soap opera called LIFE.
HELLO EVERYONE, well, people read but do not want to comment....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i do that too, read alot, and i cant get to write always, its mainly because i do not register, it takes too much time, and when i read i am not registered, thus cant post. so my advice would be to , not let even read unless you are registered. ok, where do i begin........... i am confused with myself. i try to GAL, but cannot find a new R, i miss my family life, i guess i would say that i still love my family. so why should i lie to W and to the rest of the world, specially to myself? the bad part is that she should really come out of it, there is the possibility that she wont, and say out loud that she does too love me. i pray that some day it will happen, if it doesnt ............oh well, just take it day by day, pray, and GAL, its all written in the book, i know. funny. well good bye and i send vibes of strength to all of you champions, heroes of life.
It's really hard to advise on this. I don't know what I would do if I were you. Things in my sitch are going better but I know I'm still afraid to push too hard in case I hear "I'm sorry I confused you". It's damn hard to hear or even think of hearing! So I know where you're coming from there. How do you be best buds to someone who you want to be more to? Would distance make it a bit easier cuz its not like you have to hang out with her? Don't know but I hope others out there can jump in and help you out here.
so the question is, do i communicate? do i continue to LRT? do i forget about everything and move on?
DB, I'd say the answer is to move on, rather than hold on. You have to let go in order to heal. Then later, when you're healed, you can deal with it more effectively. Right now, sounds like you're holding onto what was instead of dealing with what is. You always have the option to communicate with her, even in the future, but if you find right now that it's keeping you stuck, then opt to let that go for now. You're your priority here, not her.
