H is too confusing for words

[yoyogirl]

Wow...KDU ...your H is really indeed too confusing for words, huh? I have learned quite a lot from your sitch too. Think your sitch is an advance version of mine? You are at your 9 month stage, whereas mine is 6 1/2 months... Gosh, time indeed flies. I agree with you (as per your post on my thread) that I should not sound soooo eager to run to H when he beckons and calls. You do sound sooo much stronger, Kim. I hope what you have told your H has really indeed open his eyes and realise what he's missing. I think the info about OW going to commit suicide is somewhat like a threat? If you H goes back to OW because of that threat, their R will surely fail too ...eventually. No R can survive such threats. He would be miserable, she would be miserable. Oh well...as we all know, we cannot control them.... It's a decision that your H has to make on his own. I will wish you good luck...and will check up on you!!!

One Day at a TIME!!!

[yamas1]

KDU,
It sounds like you are doing such a great job DBing. I have followed your story (stitch?) for a couple of months now and am filled with the utmost admiration for you. You come across as a very strong, composed and independent person and you are going to be terrific with or without your husband. I bet he's thinking of all of this right now and worried about what he has messed up so badly. Here's hoping he gets it right this time. Thanks for taking the time to respond to my posts and for sharing your stitch with all of us.

Melissa

[StrongNSassy]

kDU - You are such the inspiration to so many of us on here...I wish that next time I have Skippy on the phone you could be here coaching me...damn time zone!! You really have it so together...and to even extend to him that he should be with OW...damn you are good!!

I wouldn't worry too much about the suicide threats...manipulation at its finest...hopefully he will wake up and see the B.S. for what it really is. But it makes you look so much stronger and attractive than her being so weak and manipulative...you are doing great..and thank you again for all your kind words and thoughts...

[kaydeekay]

KDU: Just read your post and all I can say is wow. I think you did an exceptional job with your talk with H. He now knows how you are feeling and where you stand. You are right in telling him that he has to make his own decisions, not you.

I did the same thing as you did when I kept telling H to go back to OW. I think once my H knew I didn't care if he was with her, he realized that I would be gone for good. I haven't updated my sitch in awhile so I guess I need to do that.

[KimDownUnder]

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement but don't get too excited we know how quickly all this can go backwards again, although I don't think I will do it again. Now remember I said this can all change very quick but now for the latest update and hoping it doesn't change in a week.....

H messaged me Monday night nothing much but showed he was thinking of me and I messaged him back so about 2 texts and then we said goodnight to each other all via text messages.....(Don't think I said this in my last post)

Yesterday H rang me to say hi and see how I was, which was cool and he made a mistake by saying if he wasn't seeing OW
last night we could go out for a drink. I said, I really didn't need to hear that and no we can't go out for a drink until you have made a decision. H said Fair enough I get what you are saying...

Anyhow about 5.30 just after I had finished work he texts me and says meet me at the pub. I went and we sat down with a drink and I said what is all this about and he said well OW was going out with her Mum and Dad for dinner and he told her he was meeting one of our friends for a drink.
I said to him that lying to her was not a good idea and I wasn't comfortable with it. H said I know but I need to see her to tell her what's going on. I said and what is that. H then said "Look Kim I realise that I don't want you out of my life, I want us to try and work on this M, 100% and I am happy to do it the way you want. 9 months is a long time and I know you have waited long enough. I have been a fool and have only just realised what I have done, how much I have hurt you and how much you mean to me.

Well I was quite surprised and said to him, that's fine babe but there is still the problem of OW and until that is fixed, I am not comfortable committing to our R, I am very hesitant due to the past in you ability to being able to finish with OW and not change your mind in a week or when OW says whatever she says. H said that will not happen this time.

I said well I will not wait days and days for this to be done as if you don't do it within the next day or two then it means you do not mean anything you are saying. H agreed and said he would do whatever he could and would hurry up about it, that it was going to be hard as they work together but he knew it needed to be done.

We then settled into having a nice night, we had dinner and drinks and big mistake by me, we ML (Give me a break it's been since August) I know I shouldn't have. Anyhow it was all nice and lovely but I am still apprehensive as he has to walk the walk now with OW.

I can say that he seems more his old self, as though a burden has been lifted from his shoulders and he did actually say something to that affect.

This morning he turned up at my work to have a coffee and to hang around dont really know why but I did say to him at one point "Dont tell me you're hear b/c you have changed your mind already" H laughed and said "You are such a smart @rse" I am hoping to drop in and see OW before I go to work later if that makes you feel any better". I said "It will if you actually do it, we will have to see". H said "You still have doubts don't you" I said "Absolutely can you blame me" He said he couldn't and that he understood.

Anyhow that is about all I have to say at the moment. Not great DBing skills in a way but I am not wavering from what I expect or want and if he can't follow through then there is no point.....

Let's see what happens hey, fingers crossed.....KDU

[calling4courage]

OMG KDU!
What H said must have sounded like music. And you've worked so hard and been so patient. You are very very close. I'm sending good thoughts and hoping your H finds the courage to end the a and commit to the process of reconciling.
I can't wait to hear more. You are wise to warn caution, knowing these things often take unexpected turns. But I think you've earned a turn the right direction finally, and I bet the moment you've worked for is arriving.
Blessings. Have a good day while we sleep and I can't wait to see your next post.

[KimDownUnder]

Hey guys and thanks C4Courage if everyone sends positive vibes who knows it might work.

I texted H and said "Did you see OW before work"
H: No
M: Bl@@dy hell u can't keep avoided this
H: I know
M: I am just chatting but u no the quicker u do this will show me how serious u r about us.
H: I know, I know
M: O.K. well at least I can say what I want without u cracking the $hits, that at least makes me happy.
H: Ha ha ha
M: O.K. will let u get on with work have a good day xxx

H then rang convo went something like this:
M: You didn't need to ring, I just ended the conversation
H: Yeah I know, but I wanted to
M: O.K that's fine was something on your mind
H: Yeah a bit, I know exactly what your saying and I respect that, I wanted to tell you I rang her when I got to work.
M: Oh O.K. anything worthwhile said
H: No not really, she may drop over tonight after work and if she does I wanted your opinion on how I should bring it up.
M: You are kidding aren't you
H: No, I know its alot to ask but you know I am hopeless and I have to work with her so I am open to suggestions.
M: Well all I can say is you never really had a problem saying you had changed your mind to me, so I don't see much difference.
H: I know but I don't have to work with you
M: True, Look surely she will have noticed that you haven't seen her or really rung her over the last 2 days
H: Yes, she would have
M: Well she is bound to ask you if anything is wrong or tell you she feels things don't feel right
H: That's probably on the cards.
M: Well that is your opening and what you say really has to be your choice but be honest as nothing comes back and bites you then.
H: Mmmm
M: Maybe if she says things don't feel right say you have noticed that as well
H: Yeah and she will say I knew this would happen again.
M: Probably but just say look ### we were taking it each day as it comes and it just doesn't feel right, I have had time to myself and realise that it is not going to work. I have been realising alot about myself lately and I don't want to hurt you any more than I have.
H: Yeah I suppose, I will work it out, I was thinking sort of along those lines so I will go with it when it happens, I have a bit of a plan. I hate to think what work will be like.
M: Yeah well, I feel for you but you created it and think of how much better you will feel later when you are not worried about anything and are guilt free.
H: Yeah that's true.
M: Look how bad was it back in August when you broke up with her and had to go to work.
H: Umm not good for about a week but then it got better.
M: Well see, you may just have to go through that again.
H: Yeah I will cop some grief from the afternoon staff in the Kitchen that she works with but there will also be alot of others that will be very happy that I am back with you as alot have given me grief for what I have done to you.
M: Really, oh well, I will help you through it when the time comes, at least some will be happy then.
H: Yeah probably more than will be unhappy.
M: Well avoid the Kitchen, Tony it is all up to you but you are talking the talk of what you must do but not walking the walk as you haven't taken action.
H: Yes I know, I have to do it I can't put it off and I don't want to lose you.
M: You wont if you hurry up.
H: Yes O.K. either tonight or tomorrow night it will be done.
M: Good now goodluck I have to get going.
H: O.K. I might text you later.
M: O.K. see ya

So that was that if you have bothered to read it all. So again we will see what he does. He sounds so much stronger about it all but again the wind could change direction so I am trying to have faith in him but to also expect the worse. Will let you all know as things happen.....KDU

[yoyogirl]

KDU - Zhemmmm, Zhemmmm, Zhemmmm sending positive vibes to your way!! This time, will be better and hope to see you move on over to piecing!!!! I mean surely, your H is quite tired of all this yoyo-ing on his part too. Somethings gotta give. I mean you've already given him the go-ahead to OW, and he can't stop himself from coming back to you.... so, that certainly tells him something!!

Don't worry...won't give you a hard time about the ML session. I understand your needs! I haven't got any lately too and am missing it. So, glad that you had fun!!!

Keep us updated!

Zhemmmm Zhemmmm Zhemmmmm - more positive vibes!!!!

[still_hopeful]

Ohhh Kim!!!!!

You are entering into what I consider to possibly be the hardest part of DBing. Possible reconcilition.
Brace yourself for some roller coaster rides here.
Kim, I cannot help you with taking this into the right direction, but I can tell you that I know this is an important time in your sitch. to handle things very carefully and to also really take care of you.
Your H's words are what all DBer's want to hear, but you are so right and your head is on right to wait and see if he can walk the talk.
You know, I've read that A's are very very difficult to break off and so I think you are aware of the threat of him doing this and then going back or of him not getting the strength to do this. I think HE is going to need a lot of support to do what it is he wants to do. I don't know that YOU can provide this support yourself. When people do break off A's they tend to mourn a loss themselves, and this makes them think they should go back into the A.
If he can really do this Kim, I think you ought to get him some books..after the affair, etc.
I also think that with all the incredible effort and strength you have inputed into this DBing effort, you must be very cautious to not throw it to the wind. You are going to start wanting to have your needs met, as he seems to be wanting to improve things, that is going to tempt you to start asking for a lot. Be careful to not get demanding or place too much pressure. You have def. said your piece and you have set your boundaries and you have basically given him an ultimatum of sorts. So what I suggest now, is that you do not repeat what you expect. He knows it, he is feeling pressureed and stressed about ending it. So I think you best ought to at this time NOT mention OW or if he broke it off yet...he knows it is on your mind...let him bring it up and share with you. And meanwhile you keep strong and don't deliver any demands or ultimatums. You are getting close possibly if he can be strong. It may be harder for him than we know, so I suggest if he doesn't do it NOW, that you think very carefully before saying anything.
Perhaps now would be a really good time for you to schedule a session with a DB coach to help guide your actions. The LRT does not give insight into what to do when things progress...and this is where guidance could be really useful. What your doing has been working, but now you are changing the game plan, but you need to keep doing what is working. I want to see this work out for you, and I think H is turning a corner, but we all know it simply isn't so easy as "the fog" lifting and things getting back on track.
Kim, maybe you ought to seek out some other DBer's who have been here and guided the course of the M back on track.
I wish you lots of luck. Keep optimistic, but stay detached and healthy too.
You are doing fabulous Kim. Keep up the good work.

[StrongNSassy]

OH MY!! I am on pins and needles, pins and needles here...and thinking absolutely the most positive thoughts I can for you!! Keep your head together lady, you are doing wonderful. Damn, I have tears in my eyes for you...stay strong!!