Okay - new question today men - why is it that you are cautious to speak your emotions/feelings to us women? Are we really that scarry? Is it the fact that we may come back a week/2 weeks/month later and quote you? I'm to the point where I'm afraid to speak my mind as I seem to be having a one-sided conversation. Either that or I'm just choosing men that are afraid to express how they feel inside or what is troubling them. Its not like I sit and scream in their face - I sit quietly and wait for them to open up and then I get ticked and walk off.
Women - do you experience this as well - be it in your marriage, new relationship? Any tips?
Wow Missy - you ae really digging deep into the minds of men aren't you.
Ok - I think the answer to your question is a lot like the other one. It has to do with how we are raised.
Real men don't get hurt. Real don't cry. Real men don't show thier emotions. Real men are strong & steadfast in the face of adversity.
We HAVE to be the strong one. We have to be the one for everyone else to lean on & how can that happen if you are a blubbering mess.
Now there are exceptions to every rule but I think that's the basics of it. Again not that this applied to every one of us - but many men are raised with this mindset drilled into them. I see this being done again and again.
As a coach - I can't tell you the number of time I've seen a Dad tell his son to stop his whining & "suck it up & be a man" when the child has been hurt. Even some very young kids.
All of this bleeds over to our emotional side too. To show pain,vulnerability, emotions exhibits weakness. In showing this weakness you are less than the man you were raised to be. You are less than the standard set for you by your father, his father & his father - so on & so on.
It's very hard to alter this pattern and it usually takes a major life altering event - like a bomb being dropped & your entire life being torn asunder. That's what did it for me.
While I am a bit more open & honest with my feelings - I'm still guarded somewhat for the fear of appearing weak/vulnerable & by opening up & letting someone see that side is in some ways allowing yourself to become vulnerable and possibly hurt again.
Its what is in the "MANual" under the title: "Big boys don't cry".
Seriously though, men are taught from an early age to keep your emotions in check, otherwise you are weak. Women want "confident and strong" not "weak and whiny".. Its our role in society to be the emotional anchors, asking us not to be is like going against everything we are taught.
Despite your reassurances that it will be ok for us to open up, in the back of our minds, we're hearing our fathers saying, "Big boys don't cry."
As I said in your other thread, my dad and all the men in my life were the strong, silent type. They didn't talk about their emotions, that I knew of anyway. Part of my mom's reasons to divorce my father was because he wouldn't open up, even to her. So I don't think I ever had a man in my life that made it seem like discussing emotions was OK.
I also indicated that my wife did allow me to talk to her in an open way and for the better part of our marriage this was true. But in the final few years any time I would try to discuss my feelings, I got told that I should just "get over it." I slowly stopped talking to her, because I wasn't a MAN for being vulnerable. That was the end of things for us.
Also for me, I'm hesitant to discuss anything too deep like feelings and emotions because I'm not sure I even fully understand them. If I'm told big boys don't cry and to suck it up, I become confused as to what to do with how I'm feeling. I obviously can't cry or be emotional. Men don't do emotions, so it's hard to put them into words. Getting upset and walking away isn't going to help us open up, but I don't know what else would.
Chiming in here - I agree with the two men who have already posted. BUT I do have to say that once again there are exceptions. Why do I always seem to be the exception? Am I on the fringe of what it is to be a man in today's society, or am I just plain exceptional??? I will take the latter.
Expressing my emotions and feelings is important to me - it goes hand in hand with honesty. I feel that I have to be honest about expressing what I am feeling or I am not being honest with myself.
So once again Graham is on the outside. But I am who I am.
Well this just sucks! Someone needs to rewrite the manual and reprogram all you men out there (kidding) except for HopefulCanuck.
Communication is so huge for me and if I can't even feel free to talk about what's on my mind and not have a one sided conversation I'm going to live a very lonely life aren't I????
Thanks to everyone - like to keep your brains working!
Why is that such an obsession for women? I think most men express their emotions well. We want peace, a nice home, good food and treated well. Ask Dr. Laura!! lol
Women seem to have this huge obsession to pull "feelings" out of a man. At the same time, we are expected to be good providors, at the same time we now also have to change diapers, cook, while maintaining enough "macho" appeal.
Really I think this is not a male problem, we are basically the same as always. Women the past 30 years have been pushed so far (eg sex and the city, desperate houswives, etc.) and the expectations so hugely out of proportions and way off reality, that it is impossible for a man to comply.
Men will tell emotions to you, but remember there is fear in doing so. So, the tales are short and reluctant, with few words and unfathomed feelings.
A man cannot share emotions in a female manner. We are not built that way. We are not raised that way. We are not affirmed that way. Men need to be affirmed a lot by our nature so doing things that do not affirm us is difficult.
Since we are not built that way, expressing emotions is sometimes beyond our capablility. For example, in the past, many times my fear, apprehension and frustration came out as anger because I did not know which is which but I did know anger.
Men do not talk about feelings, yet men can tell what each other is feeling if they know each other well enough. I can tell when my closest male friend is really hurting-yet he hasn't said anything about his feelings; he complains about life, poor hockey team performance, messy house, whatever.
Are you expecting a more female response, like talking about how he is feeling? It can happen with time, getting to know each other better, building trust. Let him know he can emote with no conditions and no talk needed unless he wants to.
On the other hand, men can start up converstations with old friends immediately, even if they haven't seen each other for decades. It is as if there has been no time passed. I think that confuses women.
My point is that we are just different than women.
OK, All (especially the men), How are we supposed to know if everything's OK with you guys if you don't tell us your feelings? We're not mind readers. My XH never complained about anything. Just went out and had an A. I thought all was well with him and that I was just a miserable wench!!!
As far as you guys being expected to change your roles. What about us? We used to be able to stay home and take care of our kids, cook the beasts you brought home, etc. Now to have any kind of life, we must also work. We're not exactly laying around on our fainting couches, eating bonbons while our he-man is out hunting and gathering. We've changed our roles, why can't you?
I, for one, HAVE changed my roles. I am a single father and doing a pretty darn good job. I cook nice meals when I have the time... As do many of the other men on the board. Whether they realize it or not they have changed. How can we go through something like the breakdown of our marriages without changing?
I agree with you Q. You can't be expected to know what is going on with us if we don't talk about it or express how we feel. I have found that since I started opening up that my life has taken on a whole new dimension. I have much better interactions with the people around me. And my relationship with T is/was absolutely amazing because of it. Unfortunately for me, I was a pretty closed down guy until I had a brutal wakeup call. But now I am living life so much better and I know myself very well because I opened up TO MYSELF first. That has probably been one of the biggest blessings of this whole fiasco. I continue to be thankful (in some ways) to my wife for walking out. I honestly feel so much more whole as a human being now. HC
I will take the latter.