It has been a while since I've really been on the board and I decided that this will help me get back to the basics. It has been close to a year since my H moved back but things were still pretty ugly for the first 4-5 months. Things are going well now but sometimes I wonder if it isn't only on the surface. There are lots of positives and also lots of things that need to be improved on. I don't have much time to post today...we are going "camping" (in a cabin) and I have to get ready and packed up as we are leaving early tomorrow AM. Here is a link to my old thread...hopefully when I post next week I will have some new goals in place.
Glad to see you. One of the last things I posted to you was that communication seems to be a key. Can't believe it has been almost a year -- I've been reading a new book called Marriage Fitness by Mort Fortel, Fertel?, anyway, it has some very interesting ideas. The philosophy is much like DR, just presented in a different and, for me, a more understandable way that it is not communication, or role playing, but choosing to create love in the relationship and other things fall into place. Not a tough read...I went through half of it in about 2 hours...almost, common sense. You might find it interesting as I immediately noted the reference to the "surface" relationship and thought about how it fits with what he is talking about. Pretty similar to the "as if" but just presented from a different angle.
Can't say I'll probably have a chance to use the new found whack up side the head. Settlement negotiations are ongoing and we will probably have a settlement conference this month.
I just finished reading Marriage Fitness as well and definitely recommend it. Although I have no idea if I'll ever get a chance to apply to my own marriage : / it still feels fulfilling continuing to learn more about good relationship skills. The book pairs well with DR or DB I think.
There's a great part of the book that talks about finding someone new vs. staying in a rough marriage... and as so many of us on here know, many WAS are searching for a more suitable partner. The book says "If you bought a Dell computer and couldn't figure out how to work it, would you throw it away to buy an IBM? If you don't know how to work a computer, changing brands isn't going to help." Cute analogy to fixing a marriage or trading it in for a new one. The book also has great tips on 'giving' to your marriage and moving from me to we. Perhaps you could get two copies, one for you and one for H, and both commit to trying the techniques. Good luck! Hope you have a great time in the cabin.
I've seen a few references to that book on here...I think I will order it, I won't hold my breath for H to read it though...not his thing. I think for now he is ok where we are, not sure it that will last forever though.
Anyway, had a good weekend overall but definitely came back with some ideas for my re-established goals. Many of them will be similar to my previous goals I'm sure; since I'm taking a step back I've noticed some things that I need to work on.
My #1 goal is to stop making everything about me! I don't mean that I'm selfish more about my H's moods.
To give a bit of background we went camping this weekend, we shared a cabin with BIL (H's brother) and SIL and SIL2 (H's sister) and BIL came up with there motor home and there friends came in there 5th wheel so there was alot of people. SIL3 (h's other sister) and her 2 daughters and grandson came and stayed one night as well.
Anyway, we were all out boating and snorkeling and such on Sat. We had told D7 that we would take her to see the springs after we checked it out first. It was getting late and we were both tired but she asked and I decided that I would take her even though H said he wasn't going to go...well S10 wanted to go and so did the other kids. I didn't plan on taking 6 kids with me but when H saw all the kids going he figured he better go to. Well he was pissed...which in turn pissed me off...I didn't feel like it was my fault that all the kids decided to tag along. So we get back to the cabin and after he was done grilling dinner everybody was hanging out by the fire and he kind of stayed away and went to bed early. The next morning we were on the deck and he went over to our friends site and I felt like he was avoiding me. Well, here's the kicker! After everybody else was gone he was fine and told me that he will never do anything like this again with SIL (brother's wife)! So, the moral of the story is not to ASSume that it's always about me. I wasted Sat. night and Sun. morning stewing about what a jerk he was being and that he is ruining our fun about something stupid that was over and it really had nothing to do with that at all!
SIL can be overbearing and he has said that in the past. SIL and I talk a lot and I know some of the issues that she is having with BIL and her son, but there is a time and a place and airing your dirty laundry in front of his family doesn't cut it. I learned that lesson the hard way years ago...caused H and SIL2 not to talk for a few months. SIL also takes every opportunity to talk to my H about what is "wrong" with his brother...not a good choice. She was also criticizing the way my H was grilling and is very negative in general....so H was avoiding HER, not me!
H can be critical about little things sometimes..the best example I can think of right now is things that I buy at the grocery store. That ham sucks, don't buy those kind of brats again...little stuff like that. Typically I will respond with a smart comment or tell him if he doesn't like it he can do it himself. From now on I am going to try to smile and agree and see how that works. In his defense however, he does realize now that he is doing it and will usually "fix" it. He did give me a compliment in front of everybody this weekend and said basically that I did a great job shopping and preparing for the trip. Later he was talking about that sucky ham and I bought and I generalized and said something like "I can't seem to get anything right" but then recanted and said that wasn't true because he did give me a compliment on my shopping!
OK, so for my goals:
1) stop personallizing H's moods 2) don't react negatively to H's criticisms 3) focus on the positives: (ie we are spending more time together both as a couple and as a family) 4) limit f around time on the computer 5) establish some sort of routine for house cleaning 6) take better care of myself (ie I'm staying up to late and have deviated from my bedtime routine)
So that is my rough draft...I will have to get more specific and detailed later.
But, if you've made it thru this rambling post I need some advice. We are supposed to be going back to Orlando this weekend. I know he really doesn't want to go but I really want him to. I am using the pretense that my friend is having a surprise party for her boyfriend (they are both are friends and we spent a lot of time together before the S) which she is. Any advise on how to handle this?
So why when I decide to set some new goals H does something (as trivial as it probably is to him) that really makes me question our R?? I have yet to get an ILY or any affection (I should qualify that to PT that I consider affection--hugs, kisses-I get smacks on the but and my breasts grabbed on occasion). He is very affectionate with our daughters and always makes sure to give them hugs and kisses before he leaves or bed but I get nothing. As a matter of fact I was getting more spooning and such a few months ago than I am now. I am very frustrated about that part of our R and I'm not quite sure how to address it.
Today, he came home for lunch and as he was leaving D3 and I were on the computer downloading music. The computer is right by the door and he came by and said give me a kiss. Now, I knew he was talking to D3 but I made kissing noises and lips and looked up at him and than when he kissed D3 made the comment, "oh, I thought you meant me!" to which he replied "never." Now he was smiling...but...I asked him why that was and he just said because (still smiling) and walked out the door.
I know to him it probably isn't that big of a deal...but on the other hand he knows (based on previous conversations) that I like kisses and hugs and such. Does he just not care or is he still "getting even" for the years when our sex life sucked. I am stumped...I am trying hard not to dwell on it but it is getting really old. I know he can be affectionate and gentlemanlike...I see it with our daughters, I see him open the door for his mother. Don't get me wrong, I don't want him to stop doing these things for them, I think it's great...but why I am so much less important?
The rollercoaster never ends...the worst part of it is that I'm the one who is making it go upside down!
I have known for a very long time that my H is a pretty moody man and that talking about what is bothering him isn't something that he does often. But yet I still continue with the "crazymaking" (great term I learned on this BB).
Monday was one of those days...I have a tendency to babble so I will try to make a long story short...there are some issues going on at his work that may put a damper on his income for a bit. Now, he loves what he is doing and he is not going to lose his job but I'm still not working so we rely completely on his income. We have been lucky financially that $$ seems to come our way when we need it so our moving expenses and such were not a problem. We also sold our house and made a good profit which allowed us to pay some debt, buy a boat (which has been awesome!) and still put a large chunk in savings for a down payment on our next home. We have been enjoying ourselves, went on a family vacation back home, went to a concert, camping, we have gone out a few times, but this of course all takes $$ but we still have been able to save money each month. He is stressed because he does not a) want to start using our savings and b) start living paycheck to paycheck again. So all night Monday he was "moody" and I started thinking that it was really about me not working and that he is going to be crabby for a week or two until he finally says something to me about it. Then I start thinking about what he is telling ff and what if anything is going on with them... So I decided to ask him what his problem is to which he responds that he is thinking and that I know how he is. I said that I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't about me and if it is to get it out now so we can move past it. He didn't of course!
Tuesday, it seemed to be heading in the same direction...I called him to see if he could come watch D3 cuz I got a call to go in for drug testing and fingerprinting (finally) for approval for sub teaching (YEAH!) By yesterday evening he was fine and asked if I was able to "give it up" because he thought that would help relieve his stress! Unfortunately, my friend called and I was watching Sex and the City and he was sleeping by the time I got to bed at 10pm. I tried to wake him up but he was out! On the bright side we started the day out right today! This is the 2nd time in a few weeks that we ml in the morning...amazing since not to long ago he said he just wasn't that interested in "morners" anymore!
So again, my number one goal is to stop taking all of his moods personally. I do feel I did better, at least externally, this time.
How do I stop with all these negative thoughts about ff?? One day I went to shut down the computer and it was open to Expedia but all the history and cookies had been erased. When I asked him about it he said he wasn't on Expedia and he defragged the computer but didn't intentionally erase the history. Of course, I automatically start thinking that he is making some sort of arrangement to meet up with ff...realistically I know he's not. Why do I do this to myself?? I have no idea what sort of contact he has even had with her...he doesn't even check his hotmail account at home anymore. I seriously doubt he is sending sexual emails from work but I do wonder if he is still hiding things and doesn't want me to stumble across anything...I know that is a waste of my time and energy but I struggle with that constantly..
Just a quick post before I go to bed...I have to add another goal before I forget it:
Stop with the little comments regarding the past bad time!
For example, he brought his laptop home last week...I hate his laptop, really what he was doing on his laptop so when I see him on it I sometimes get these bad feelings....anyway, we have a wireless network setup at home and if you read email on one you can't access it the other. My brother sent an email and he let me know so I could read it. Well, I don't like/know how to use the fingertouch mouse very well and he came over and showed me how to do what I was trying to do. I of course made a smart azz comment about not knowing how to use his "private" computer. To which he responded, how private can it be sitting out here in the open, I could put a password on it, do you want me too.
Oh, I did remind him about the little trip we are taking and he hasn't said that he isn't going to go yet...still one more day but I think I am just going to act as if he is going!
Had a good weekend! H went and didn't complain about going. He did say that he didn't really want to go and when my friend came down her bf didn't. I simply said that he was doing some home maintenance and it was the only day his buddy could help, and that I knew that he didn't really want to go but I wanted him to and to please do it for me. It worked!
He was actually showing some affection toward me while we were there! Put his hand on my leg a few times and put his arm around me! Baby steps right!
Still struggling with the comments. My friend was talking about her D's friend who had just moved to where ff/ow lives and maybe letting her go visit her for fall break. I made a couple of comments about there was nothing in that state to see and there was no reason to go there! I'm sure h knew what I was saying and jst commented that there was actually lots to do and see there. Not because of her but because he was stationed there early in his army career. I said that I was just kidding and started talking about all the stories I heard as we were passing through there on our vacation this summer. I have got to find a way to stop doing that...I don't even think about it until the words are out of my mouth!
My friend also went and bought a webcam and her D is able to see and have a conversation with friend without running up the phone bill! So we decided that we would get one too and than we can do the same, S10 and my friends S have been best friends since they were 5. We stopped at the store on the way home and my H said he was going to get a new webcam because the old one doesn't have voice and "we'll set it up in the kitchen so I can rest easy!" So he is trying!
A week or two ago he was going on the internet on his laptop and I was sitting by him and noticed that he still had the shortcuts to yahoo and msn messenger on his toolbar. I commented to him that if he doesn't use them anymore that he should delete him. I am pretty sure that he doesn't use them anymore but still don't really trust him...so one day I decided to uninstall them both from his laptop. Well, when I did that it shows when the last time the program was used ( I didn't notice on Yahoo) and he hasn't used MSN since 2/16/05!!!! That is the one he was using to talk to ff/ow. That is also right after Valentines day when we got in a big fight about her! So, I feel better about that...now I realize that he may still be emailing but I'm pretty confident it is only on occasion and the "affair" portion of that is over, at least for the most part!
I've mentioned that our sex life has definitely improved over the last year...really thanks to DB (do something different) but we are so not on the same schedule it makes it hard. He goes to bed/falls asleep so early sometimes...I can do without TV but there are some shows I really like watching, my time to be a blob and not think about real world! Last night I kind of figured he was going to fall asleep but I told him I would wake him up...I couldn't wake him up! I like to be up in the house when the kids are asleep and he falls asleep between 9-9:30...I am open to suggestions, the only thing I can think of is to go to bed early with him and than get back up if I want to watch tv.
Off to the YMCA...I'm really frustrated that I haven't been losing weight. I have been going to the Y since I moved here in mid-June and not dieting but overall eating better and I haven't lost a pound! But I'm not giving up, exercising is definite good for me regardless. I just wish I could lose some weight!
Happy Anniversary to us! 9yrs...crazy to think last year at this time we were seperated!
So my H is the type of person who always has to be doing something...he was doing some handyman/rennovation stuff on the side for a bit but hasn't done any of that in a while...since we are renting right now there are no projects for him to do and he is going a little stir crazy! He decided that he wants to buy an old jeep that needs some work so he can have a project. I am a little apprehensive about this...even though we have the $$ in savings it wasn't really in the plan...I think it would be a blast so I'm ok with it to a point but we have always been impulse buyers. Him, moreso than me, I rarely buy things for myself because I always feel like it is too much $$ or we don't really need it but he will go buy whatever he wants...tools, 4-wheelers. I was going to go visit my Dad and found a great deal on tickets but didn't get them, a week later they had gone up $100 (still under $300) and I decided that was too much to spend because he was so stressed with work and worried about his income that I didn't want to spend the $$....
Here's the thing, he doesn't ever tell me not to spend $$ or make me feel bad when I do...on the occasion that I do buy clothes he thinks I spend too much on what I buy and that I could get better deals at say a Ross or TJMaxx...So, how do I change this about myself?? I don't want to be the "fun-hater" always telling him no (as long as it's reasonable) but I also want to feel like it's ok to spend $$ on me.
On the bright side of this we spent the morning together going to look at this jeep he found in the auto-trader...and he didn't make an impulse buy, he decided it was more work thant he could do! So, I feel better about it!
As he was leaving to go to work he said good bye and "love you!" I can't say that it's out of habit because I haven't heard those words for over a year for the most part! WOW!
By the way, I did actually go shopping yesterday and pick up a couple of tops (h's suggestion!) I am now able to sub teach and he knows how I stress about not having clothes to wear, and he hates it! Anyway, I was at the check-out and the lady made a comment about the color of one of the tops being pretty. I said yeah, it's a bit different for me but my H told me to buy something other than black or brown (this was even before the bomb) so I'm brightening up my wardrobe a bit. She said that I was a smart lady because so many women don't listen to their husbands and they end up losing them...wonder if she knows about DB??????
Unfortunately, my friend called and I was watching Sex and the City and he was sleeping by the time I got to bed at 10pm. I tried to wake him up but he was out! On the bright side we started the day out right today! 
This is the 2nd time in a few weeks that we ml in the morning...amazing since not to long ago he said he just wasn't that interested in "morners" anymore! 
H went and didn't complain about going. He did say that he didn't really want to go and when my friend came down her bf didn't. I simply said that he was doing some home maintenance and it was the only day his buddy could help, and that I knew that he didn't really want to go but I wanted him to and to please do it for me. It worked! 
Put his hand on my leg a few times and put his arm around me! Baby steps right!
But I'm not giving up, exercising is definite good for me regardless. I just wish I could lose some weight!