Cine, Did you ask him why he's being so grumpy? Sounds to me like he may still have some bottled up resentment working in him. You definitely need to call him on the bad behavior. Cine, I've gotten to a similar state as you H seems to be in, in that when MrsGGB makes advances I can take it or leave it. I don't know why or how I got here. I think some of it is just battle weariness...for so long I have been the sex and R cop, and often it seemed so much like I was banging my head against the wall. Eventually, I reached a state where I just kind of gave up. Anyway, I wish MrsGGB would call me on it when I get that way.
So, I make no excuses for the behavior, nor can I really explain it, since I don't understand it myself. All I can say is make sure you call him on it and keep up the good work.
Thank you for the insight. Maybe I misconstrued what H really wanted. I am afraid that I overshot what he envisioned as a harmonious R. It may well be that he just wants me to want sex when he wants it. It could be a possibility that dragging my caveman back to the cave and having my way with him is not his thing.
I'm finding that he doesn't want me to kiss, hug, hold, flirt, or touch him in any way. The whole irrational jealousy thing is kicking in for me. I know that he may not have any desire, but my experience over 10 years of marriage is that if the wind blows in the right direction, H is ready and willing. Why all of the sudden, no desire, even avoiding all physical contact with me? It just doesn't add up.
I worked to get where I am in relation to my sexuality and have no desire to give up my hard won growth. I don't intend to put up with crappy behavior because of what may be going on with him.
If question H about what is going on with him, he just clams up and acts cranky to punish me for broaching a topic that he doesn't want to talk about.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Cine, So are you saying the tables have turned and now you are the HD and he is the LD in your relationship? Maybe he needs a dose of his own medicine, whatever that was that got you motivated to find your sexuality, KWIM? Ahh, why can't it ever be simple, eh?
Funny (coincidental, not ha ha) thing is that I think my H always was LD and on some level thought that I never would come out of my shell, sexually speaking. I was perfect for him what with my sexual problems. He could focus on how he never got enough sex and never have to confront his issues. Now that my disinterest is no longer there to focus on, other issues that he has used my LD to avoid are coming to light. Just my theory.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Quote: I think my H always was LD and on some level thought that I never would come out of my shell, sexually speaking. I was perfect for him what with my sexual problems. He could focus on how he never got enough sex and never have to confront his issues. Now that my disinterest is no longer there to focus on, other issues that he has used my LD to avoid are coming to light
This is a brilliant insight. You are one sharp cookie!
You have definitely changed the rules of this marriage and it's hard for him to adjust.
Lillie (I've always loved that name and was going to name my second Lily if he was a girl).
Quote: Don't do this anymore, k? This sounds a teeny bit passive-aggressive.
It's not passive aggresive, just ADD. With 2 active boys and a 91 yo grandmother to take care of, I often have 15 things on my mind at any given time and the cell phone just happens to be on the bottom of that list.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
How long has he been doing this. I could see this happening after he finally gets what he wants and now thinking well why the HE!! did this have to take so long now im going to Punish her the way she did me. If he is truely HD I think that the Horniness would win out fairly quickly though.
I agree with you, grislen, I am sure that's what is going on.
Last night H was frisky and said to me, "I know you been jonesin for some. may as well give my hot sexy W some of what she's been jonesin for." He doesn't see any difference between his holding back so he can punish me and my former inability to have satisfying sex. He still thinks that I did not have stellar sex with him because I didn't want to. And he still thinks he is doing me a favor by having sex with me. How do I explain to him that I needed to grow before I could have desire for sex, for him? He doesn't buy that sexual abuse can stunt sexuality (my first abuse was at age 4). He thinks it's a crock that I needed so much time to mature sexually. If you take the 3 years we dated and the nearly 10 years we've been married, I would say 13 years to mature from age 4 would make me about 17, sexually. I'd say that's a reasonable amount of time to take for sexual maturity. Plus the fact that I have had, for many of the years I was trying to grow sexually,the adult responsibilities of raising a family and running a home.
On a different note, we were discussing the high price of gas and I mentioned that I read about a fella who owns a house and runs his supersized Hummer on hydrogen alone (if anyone is interested its called Angels Nest and there is a website where you can get more info). Anyway I was trying to explain how cool all this is and wow wouldn't it be great to have a house that was self sustaining and not ever have to buy gas for your car and H said the guy's just this rich freak. That was it, end of convo. The reason I bring this up is that many of our conversations go like this; I bring up a topic and if H doesn't want to talk about it or thinks it's stupid, he makes some disparaging remark and that is the end of talking about it. How do I get a dialog started in regards to sex when we can't even have a civil hypothetical conversation about alternative fuels?
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
I wonder if he didn't want to talk about the hydrogen car because he didn't understand how it worked. In other words, his wife brings up the subject of cars, something men are supposed to know about, but throws in a little twist, (hydrogen power), about which he knows nothing. So he poo-poos the whole idea, shutting down the conversation before it starts.
Likewise, he doesn't understand about the effects of sexual abuse, so he shuts down the painful conversation (painful for him because it is a minefield where he might step on the "I am stupid" mine as easily as he might step on the "I am unsensitive" mine; and painful for you because, well, it's just damn painful). Maybe if he took the time to try to understand the subject...read a book?
I have read many books and articles trying to understand my wife's point of view on feminism. Now I admittedly know more than I used to, but still think that her opinion is misguided and too broad.
I think there is only one way that you can do this. Is by talking and talking and talking till he gets it. That is what some of us have had to do to start getting what we needed. You may need to point out exactly what he is doing. I know that i'm guilty of this behavior with my wife some times. When she actually calls me on it I am able to start noticing the things that I do that cause these kind of things to continue. So I would say just call him on it.
