Part of me wants to stay light for the kids but another part says he needs to step up in the dad role now.
I am also rather conflicted in that sense... I mean one part of me wants to keep him informed about the kids' development and the other of me is like saying "if he wants to be a real father, he should call them himself, he should do this, and that etc. Why should I do all this so that he can pretend to be a father? Blah blah blah ". But I guessed the answer (if we are to DBING to get a solution to our sitch) is to do all the hard work, i.e. to help provide the LIGHT on the kids. (I know I am blabbering...sorry)
you are giving H 5 months
This has bits of astrology and also logic in it.
Astrology Explanation: Actually am not really into all the Chinese Astrology stuff, but when my sitch happened, my boss (who knows about all these stuff) looked into our birth charts. And for H, this year (year of the Rooster), there is an external SPOUSE STAR that is trying to enter his spouse palace (which is of course already taken my me... ). As this "external SPOUSE STAR" would no longer be around next year (Year of the dog), the problem wil cease to exist.. (I know..sounds like a lot of hocus-pocus). Chinese New Year would be in Feb...works out to be 5 months from now. Also, I've checked some general Astrology websites....also mentioned that H would have "abit of drama in love relationships, and also would not be able to think straight" If you are interested, check out www.dragon-gate.com under chinese astrology. Back to the reading by my boss. When he looked at my birth chart..he sees "harmony in my spouse palace", i.e. it is UP TO ME to help to tide this problem over. He said "normally, if there is a bad clash shown on my chart, then marriage is difficult to save...". (I know some of you are gawking and laughing your @ss off...but it sort of gives me some hope, and some motivation to keep DBING)
Okay the logic explanation: H would then have left to live in Country X for 5 months already. We would have lived apart for five months with minimal contact.... It would be logical to really START OVER...without wondering everyday if H is coming back. That would be a new chapter in my life... But then, I don't think that I would file. He would have to do all the hard work. I just have to really live my life as if there is no longer a H. I know lots of ppl said that I should file if I want to start over...but why should I do all the hard work? It's not that I am in a hurry to marry another. As long as I can detach, and be strong in my mind then that H would no longer be part of my life, filing or not-filing doesn't really make a difference to me. It's OW who would want H to file..if she wants to jump on the marriage wagon...let her and H do all the hard work....
Anyway, From my last post, H replied to my email with "why so formal? How is everything". Sent him another email ...told him that I was not being formal. Just having manners. And then shed some LIGHT on the boys' recent activities.
Nothing much...calm sea. H did call me at about 10.00 pm. I guessed he called to talk to me, as he jolly well knows that boys are in bed by 9 pm. We chatted for about 4 1/2 minutes. He was talking most of the time...telling me about the same guy that was gonna offer him a job. And apparently he did offer him one in Country V, and H said of course NO as he just moved to Country X.(Yes...I know..lots of different countries. These days, all the work around are mostly regional... we are in South East Asia, by the way...) Then the guy said when he moves up, H can take over his current job. H was like "wow..no way, you are way too high up!". H then said that his boss called him up to entertain a client...drinks and all. I said "well, you don't have to drive..." He said "yeah, but am feeling rather tired". Proceed to tell him about one of our old friends being in the newspaper...director of a bank and all.. H didn't mention anything about coming back for a visit....
Thanks for the quick lesson on Chinese Astrology! Wasn't really even aware of it. Sounds intersting though. Do know of a Chinese birthing chart that pretty accurately predicts the sex of your baby.
You are doing so great! Just can't tell you that enough. My H also waits to call until one or both kids are already in bed. Can't he find a little bit of time earlier? But I keep those thoughts to myself. Wouldn't help things to say them anyway!
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
Do know of a Chinese birthing chart that pretty accurately predicts the sex of your baby.
Yes...I heard about that one too. It sort of uses the mother's age and the month of conception. Correct? Unfortunately, it's of no use to me now... 1) Bad M sitch..2) Don't think I want to handle bottles and nappies now.
My H also waits to call until one or both kids are already in bed There are 1001 reasons I guessed. Either he really wants to speak to you or that the timing suits him. Whatever it is, you are right...keep whatever thoughts you have to yourself...
Journalling... Quite a yoyo-ing day... H texted this morning about some hoo-hah that was created because of his dinner with some guy last night. I texted back just to ACT "amused" by the incident. At about 1 pm, H called and said "I'll be back tomorrow, but I'll come and see the boys on Sunday". That means he is staying in the hotel?? And he'll come and see the boys on Sunday. I stayed calm and tried not to let the news affect me.
I texted him back "Let me know what time you want the boys. I can drop the boys off on Sunday. Maid's day off. Please don't let them know that you are back on Sat, and only seeing them on sunday. Don't want to answer difficult questions. Thanks". H texted back "Busy day tmrw...have to sort out my photos for visa application on monday. Also, have dinner n going away party tmrw night. Can be with boys on sunday. will sort out phone on monday too". I didn't reply to this message. Just let it be...
THEN, at about 2.45 pm. H called me....I was out lunchtime shopping at a mall (yup..yup..I know..some skiving there). Me: Hi! H: Hi! Am in a traffic jam...so, calling to chat with you. Where are you? Me: SP Mall.. H: What are you doing there? Me: Lunch..and some shopping.. H: Just calling to see how are you. Me: I'm fine. As good as one can be. H: I want to tell you...not to worry. Me: What is there to worry? I am going into the lift..line may be cut off. H: I just want to tell you not to worry about us. I will make things right. Me: ... Yeah I know it looks bad..HA HA HA (Actually I was responding to a coworker who was laughing at my shopping bags)...oh, sorry...talking to my coworker. Think line's gonna cut off... *LINE CUT OFF* GOt in the car with my coworkers... 5 minutes later. H called again. Me: Sorry...was in a lift. H: I just want to tell you to not worry about us. I will put things right. Me: ..mmm.. OK H: These few months ....just leave me as I am, okay? Me: Okay. As you wish. H: I will put things right. I have found a house near the International School. Me: You got a house already? You've seen it? H: Yes, I've seen it but haven't got it yet. Lease negotiation. I am already doing all things that will make things right, okay? The house is about 5 minutes drive from the school. Me: Okay. H: Talk to you later or tomorrow.. (My voice was not happy nor sad...I would say normal??)
So....I don't know what to make of this. Going to detach...not gonna let anything affect me. Not going to get overly excited. We'll see how things go in the weekend...
Finally have a chance to see how everyone else is doing....did a quick read thru of your sitch...so H has left for his new job and from your posts you seem to be doing very well with it. Your H is contacting you a lot,and asking a lot of questions ( my H has hit that phase too ).
But I cant believe your H is coming out literally saying " I will make things right"...actually saying it, not just hinting. I dont know...but that seems like a pretty big step to me, but it's always good to be cautious.
So, in general, how does it feel like for you having your H this far away from you? For myself, I found it much easier...really being separated from the drama, however the texting and R talks have started already with my H...something I'm not comfortble with b/c I just left a little while ago. Ughhh...when does it get easier?
But I cant believe your H is coming out literally saying " I will make things right"...actually saying it, not just hinting. I dont know...but that seems like a pretty big step to me, but it's always good to be cautious.
But all these are just words..."believe nothing that you hear, and only 50% of what you see". Well, it's nice to hear, but I don't want to believe any or it, because I will get my hopes up and then get hurt. Guess what? H is back in town today...and he is only gonna see his boys tmrw. He is staying in a hotel. So much of wanting to make things right. And the fact that he will only come and see the boys tomorrow shows how important they are to him. It's obvious who is the most important person in his life....
I found it much easier... Yes, it is much easier with him away... for one, when I roll my eyes, he can't see it, and can't get upset. LOL. Also, I was thinking, as long as I am living in the present and not think back on all the happy times, I will be okay. It is rather difficult with him in the country now, and can't help wondering what the heck he is doing with OW. I know..don't waste my energy. In fact, I think I will get my mom to drop the boys off to him tmrw. Save me from having to see him and having any drama or emotions. Yes, think I will do that. I can always come up an excuse of me being busy or something to that extent. Really don't want to be confronted with an overwhelming of emotional charges!!!
Journalling.. H called...mumbled something, couldn't hear very well. TOld him to text. He texted "Have a dinner tonight. Call you later". I didn't reply at all. Just 5 minutes ago, H called on my mobile. I let it go on and on. Didn't want to pick up. Unhooked my home phone. Really don't feel like talking to him. I guessed I am not sad sad, just don't want to deal with an onslaught of emotions.... I'll just let him send a text to my mobile to arrange for the boys' visitation...
H called again, and I missed it (on purpose)...then after three missed calls. I texted him "U called? Anything?" and then he immediately called me. He was upset that I missed those calls, and that our house phone was engaged. Told him that I was on the phone, and that was why I didn't hear my mobile. Then he said he will see the boys tmrw. I said "Okay, whatever. Bye". And then I ended the call. He called me again and asked "Why did you slam down the phone? Me: No, I didn't. I said okay and bye. H: Oh..okay. Do the boys want to speak to me? I passed the phone to S5, and they spoke for a while, and then I ended the call. Later, S8 was complaining of some pains in his tummy, and I took him to the doctors. So, at the clinic, turned my mobile to silent, and saw that there was a missed call from H. When I got home, H called our house phone. H: How come you didn't pick up your phone. Me: Was in the hospital, so turned the phone to silent mode. H: Hospital? Why? Me: S8 complained of some pains. Blah blah blah. Did some tests blah blah blah. H: So, everything is okay? Me: Yes H: So, how about tomorrow? Me: I will send the boys to you. H: I can take a cab to come to YOUR place. (Fancy him saying to YOUR place, and not OUR place) Me: I rather not. H: WHy? Me: I don't want neighbours to talk. I will send boys to you. Where are you staying? H: At Hotel H. I will call you tmrw...I have a late night. Me: Okay whatever. You call me when you have sorted out all your important things, and you have time to see your boys. H: What do you mean? Me: Well, whatever that means. You obviously have alot of things to do. So, as soon as you have time for your boys, just let me know. H: Okay, I will call you tmrw. Me: Okay.
So.... I have to detach! Detach! And not let this affect me. But it is rather hard. When he said "I'll catch a cab to come to YOUR place". WTF! I too must get on with my life...and not let this @sshole affect me. I've already made arrangements to go out with my mom to the mall tmrw.
Yoyo I see that you are getting stronger on your detachment since H has been gone. I know it hurts when they call the home you shared together as YOUR home now. I've been through that before. I'm sure H is anxious to see the boys but I don't understand why waiting a day to see them. WAH are such strange creatures I know it's hard having to see H after he's been gone for awhile, but I think you are doing a good job as far as your emotions go. I know whenever I see or talk to H the hurt is there but I'm finding it that it gets a little bit easier for me. Hope you had a good day at the mall with mom.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
This has bits of astrology and also logic in it. 
I know it's hard having to see H after he's been gone for awhile, but I think you are doing a good job as far as your emotions go. I know whenever I see or talk to H the hurt is there but I'm finding it that it gets a little bit easier for me. Hope you had a good day at the mall with mom.