I see my thread locked, I should have started a new one. I'm really hurting right now. will try to post more in a little bit although I'm not sure what to say or what I even think at this point.
I am sorry you are hurting - let yourself cry, break down a little, etc. Don't hold it all in. I still think it'd be a good idea to go away for even a couple of days by yourself (or longer), so you can get a handle on everything from a distance.
((((DEB)))) Hang in there hon! You have all the tools necessary, not least of which is your strength of character, to deal with this situation and get through this with flying colors!
thanks Pam and Dawn and Debra and dfb and tc and mollie and Ellie....I don't know where I'd be with out you all.
I'm not sure how I'm doing today. all over the place actually. Yesterday I did go visit with the preist, he was surprisingly, I thought, helpful...gave me some insights into h, somewhat. He believes h wants to end the A with out being the bad guy, and of course that's impossible. he thinks I probably did what had to be done at this point but of course as I know, I have to back it up now. so we shall see. I got the names of three attorneys from him, I am planning to call to see about getting appts. to get info. actually I got the names of 4...the 4th is a gal whom he said of "this is the one to get if you want a divorce and you want to win"...so...the others he said are good with womens issues but won't back down. I share an office, so havent had a chance to call from work. I go home in a few minutes, so hope to have a chance to call tonight. I figured out where I can get the cash to open a checking acct this week. it will be a tiny deposit but a start. the preist was actually glad I asked him for names of attorneys.
I feel like crap physically and emotionally because I'm not sleeping, and to top everything off I have a bladder infection. I'm still driving around with what I think might be stuff I could turn into cash in my minivan. Is that weird or what?????
I intend to maintain my personal integrity by keeping my word, but it's kind of tough right now. I figured out what's up with H's asking for a couple of weeks. Saturday is ow's bday. damn, who do you suppose is getting the llbean stuff?????? H has asked me several times to go with him to his workshop on friday, I sent him an email this morning and told him all my feelings about stuff, what I've figured out about Saturday...he hasnt denied it. I don't recall, havent reread the chapter yet, is telling them what you know ever part of dbing???guess I already blew it with the email copies if it isnt.
I don't know what I'm going to do about friday. I may just go if I find something for S to do. I know it probably doesnt make much sense, but I still have hope that we will come out of this, and it is uninterrupted time up an back that H and I would have together to talk. I sent him the email about what I figured out at 1, havent heard back from him. I sense that he is so restrained in his emails to me, and I mentioned that to him.
I mentioned last weekend that I had kept a journal (this board) and H got all worked up about it (didnt tell him it's electronic)...purported that he has also jotted down a lot of pertinent information/incidents"....sheesh, talk about blowing smoke and trying to intimidate somebody. I havent done a damn thing but go for a few long drives in the middle of the night. and gee, I wonder if somebody might think he had some ulterior motives if they read the "goods" I've got on him?
TC, if you see this, you mentioned you had heard the same things from your H....can you elaborate?????what did you do?????
I am really trying to keep my anger and sadness and frustration under control and just keep on doing what I've decided I need to do, for the reason that I'm a very emotional person (surprise, surprise) and I don't make good decisions when I lose my temper. at all. The stakes are too high to blow it by blowing up. but I am fried and frazzled.
I really don't like this town. If we split up, I believe I will look at going back to school (at 50?) and moving...although I have concerns about S.
I still get ILY's from H, although this morning i was having a tough time and commented "I'm working on letting go" and he got ticked off, said "that's not a good thing to hear in the morning but ok" and stormed out the door?????? now I just got an email asking if I'd pick him up some beer.
I dunno, I can only scrape up about 150 bucks to start a checking acct with, but I guess it's a start, and you have to start some where.
I don't regret telling him I know about the bitch's bday on Saturday, let him know I know while he's there giving her her bean boots. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that's what's going on, with out him saying a word. I mentioned that to the preist, he didnt doubt it or even raise an eyebrow, in fact he said "of course you know, it's because a man can't give his heart to two women". ouch.
thanks Pam and Dawn and Debra and dfb and tc and mollie and Ellie....I don't know where I'd be with out you all.
I'm not sure how I'm doing today. all over the place actually. Yesterday I did go visit with the preist, he was surprisingly, I thought, helpful...gave me some insights into h, somewhat. He believes h wants to end the A with out being the bad guy, and of course that's impossible. he thinks I probably did what had to be done at this point but of course as I know, I have to back it up now. so we shall see. I got the names of three attorneys from him, I am planning to call to see about getting appts. to get info. actually I got the names of 4...the 4th is a gal whom he said of "this is the one to get if you want a divorce and you want to win"...so...the others he said are good with womens issues but won't back down. I share an office, so havent had a chance to call from work. I go home in a few minutes, so hope to have a chance to call tonight. I figured out where I can get the cash to open a checking acct this week. it will be a tiny deposit but a start. the preist was actually glad I asked him for names of attorneys.
I feel like crap physically and emotionally because I'm not sleeping, and to top everything off I have a bladder infection. I'm still driving around with what I think might be stuff I could turn into cash in my minivan. Is that weird or what?????
I intend to maintain my personal integrity by keeping my word, but it's kind of tough right now. I figured out what's up with H's asking for a couple of weeks. Saturday is ow's bday. damn, who do you suppose is getting the llbean stuff?????? H has asked me several times to go with him to his workshop on friday, I sent him an email this morning and told him all my feelings about stuff, what I've figured out about Saturday...he hasnt denied it. I don't recall, havent reread the chapter yet, is telling them what you know ever part of dbing???guess I already blew it with the email copies if it isnt.
I don't know what I'm going to do about friday. I may just go if I find something for S to do. I know it probably doesnt make much sense, but I still have hope that we will come out of this, and it is uninterrupted time up an back that H and I would have together to talk. I sent him the email about what I figured out at 1, havent heard back from him. I sense that he is so restrained in his emails to me, and I mentioned that to him.
I mentioned last weekend that I had kept a journal (this board) and H got all worked up about it (didnt tell him it's electronic)...purported that he has also jotted down a lot of pertinent information/incidents"....sheesh, talk about blowing smoke and trying to intimidate somebody. I havent done a damn thing but go for a few long drives in the middle of the night. and gee, I wonder if somebody might think he had some ulterior motives if they read the "goods" I've got on him?
TC, if you see this, you mentioned you had heard the same things from your H....can you elaborate?????what did you do?????
I am really trying to keep my anger and sadness and frustration under control and just keep on doing what I've decided I need to do, for the reason that I'm a very emotional person (surprise, surprise) and I don't make good decisions when I lose my temper. at all. The stakes are too high to blow it by blowing up. but I am fried and frazzled.
I really don't like this town. If we split up, I believe I will look at going back to school (at 50?) and moving...although I have concerns about S.
I still get ILY's from H, although this morning i was having a tough time and commented "I'm working on letting go" and he got ticked off, said "that's not a good thing to hear in the morning but ok" and stormed out the door?????? now I just got an email asking if I'd pick him up some beer.
I dunno, I can only scrape up about 150 bucks to start a checking acct with, but I guess it's a start, and you have to start some where.
I don't regret telling him I know about the bitch's bday on Saturday, let him know I know while he's there giving her her bean boots. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that's what's going on, with out him saying a word. I mentioned that to the preist, he didnt doubt it or even raise an eyebrow, in fact he said "of course you know, it's because a man can't give his heart to two women". ouch.
A weird thing happened today. I almost take it as an omen. I was so pissed off Saturday I wrapped my wedding rings in a tissue and put them in my purse, I was actually thinking I might pawn them and move out. yesterday I cleaned junk out of my purse, and you guessed it, I threw them in the trash still wrapped in the tissue. on the way to work this morning this cold chill hit me that I had done that. sure enough, I went through my purse and it was gone. pulled out my trash can, janitor had already emptied it of course. almost cried. got up, walked out side to the back of the dumpster, looked in. there were only three small bags there. looked again, I could see a flyer I knew I'd thrown away in the side of one, so figured that was the stuff from my trash can. took it into my office and opened it, nothing in it except my trash. flyers, papers, kleenex some empty Macdonalds coffee cups. with my heart pounding I started unfolding the kleenexs, afraid it was gone. about the 6th one I touched i could tell had my rings in it. sure enough, there they were. I can't believe they didnt get hauled to the dump. I have to say I would have been heartbroken.
I would love to believe it's an omen....
well, this is my day to leave early, so I'm going to get S. I should go work out, but i don't think I'm going to today. I just feel pretty crappy, even though I'd probably feel better if I did.
I'm trying so hard to stay calm but resolute. I think I will feel a little better, although still sad, if I get the checking acct opened and the attny appt made.
I didn't see anything written before about LLBean stuff? And he didn't really do much for your anniversary, so hopefully he's not planning on visiting her for her birthday.
There is no reason you can't go back to school at 50. Moving sounds like a good idea to me whether alone or if you stay together. I AM glad you found your rings. Whether your M means anything to your H, I know it does mean a lot to you.
I think you should keep the stuff in your van for now. Maybe clean house and have a yard sale of things you don't want. Don't sell H's stuff, of course...the Priest sounds like he gave good advice, I am surprised he gave information on lawyers. Definitely keep taking steps to protect yourself.
You are a really special person, Deb - don't forget that. You don't deserve to be treated this way. You mentioned that your H didn't like your weight - but at the same time, he was taking walks by himself. He could certainly have invited you. There is a lot he could have done.
Anyway - definitely stay strong, and hopefully in the end, your H will get his head out of his ass and see what he could lose.
