I believe the reason they sometimes seem to feel more for the OW and kids than their own is because they are about to cut it off and not see them anymore, whereas their own kids and wife, in their minds, will always be there no matter what. And he jumped into an R with all kinds of promises to OW and he's got the guilt of having to go back on it. And she is pressuring him. I understand this has been going on for a long time. It just seems like things busted wide open here and change can take place now that he got it out in the open. He might be a total loser, jerk that doesn't deserve Deb's compassion, but then again maybe he isn't--maybe he's just made a huge mistake and doesn't know what to do to get out without hurting everyone.
My H totally turned my life upside down--I lost my home, had to file for bankruptcy and start a new life. I hated him for it for a while--while he was running around with the wh*re next door, seemingly not caring about me at all. Sometimes I just wanted to give up. This crap is hard and I wouldn't say what I did would work for everyone, but since it did work for me, I want to share to add to people's resources. I've gotten lots of great advice off this board and want to give back. But I also realize that my advice may not be helpful in some sitches and that's ok too.
Honestly, if I was in her shoes I don't know exactly what I would do. It is easy to say, but harder to do.
Checking in again! I can understand your reluctance to post right now. You have been offered a lot of advice here! Many of your BB friends are angry FOR you right now because they care about you. Many have written to you since the beginning and are heartbroken because of what has happened....yet again.
And truly, I think that the "yet again" is the reason for all the harsh words about your h and the harder stance that many of us want you to take. I think that many here are starting to see a pattern and we do not want you to be hurt.
You have done an unimaginable job of Dbing. Your patience seems to be limitless! I think that I wrote to you once before that you seemed to take the "kinder, gentler" path of Dbing and if that didn't work for you then maybe you should try the "tough love" path. (Ellie's suggestion to re-read the LRT is a good one, I agree wholeheartedly.)
You know, you are not dealing with someone who is unaware of the techniques of DBing. He knows perfectly well what steps you are taking. It may be time to throw him off track a bit...make him work for it a little. (Do something differently than how you've done it in the past.) I think that he will have more respect for you in the long run.
Whatever you decide and how ever you choose to handle this, I will support you and continue to be here for you. Take your time to reply if you need to BUT please let us know that you are ok.
thanks all, I'm ok, just got back from a counseling appt. and have been frantically busy with work stuff. I will post in the morning about it. some good very good insight I think from the priest...I lucked out, he's acutally trained in Family Therapy from Menningers. You've given so much good and helpful insight, I've only had time to skim it and will need to digest it more in the morning.
