The initial consult is usually free. But I really think that you need to worry right now about your confrontation with H. What are your plans. You have to LEAD this thing. Be strong and un-waivering.
i'm not sure, I'm trying to get myself to be calm. i'm trying to get myself into the center of the storm so to speak so I can let go.
I need to know from H , honestly, what he is doing/planning with ow, what he intends.
I am going to have to make it stick, I know, I guess I need a date to KNOW in no uncertain terms that he is done with her. and then I need to be ready to have him leave if he back slides after that. I can't help feeling like I'm just postponing the invitable.
Deb You know I dont come here to often anymore, but I wanted to let you know that I too am here to get you through this day.
You need to talk to your priest because you need someone to comfort you. It will do you a world of good, keep dialing that number and make sure they know you are in great need right now.
Start making the calls you need to get the information you need. Start with a lawyer, find one you are comfortable with and see what he/she suggest regarding moving out. Yes he should go but that will just send him to Donna. If you go it may possibly keep him at home (you could consider leaving S with him for a change depending on what S needs right now) where he can start thinking without her around.
I know the things you found hurt. I am sorry.
I agree with everyone here. You need to stick to what you say this time or else it will just be more of the same. If he says he wants the marriage to work, he calls her today with you there and tells her no more and actively starts looking for another job.
Can you have someone cover your class tonight or reschedule? This needs to be Deb time. Use a charge card and stay in a hotel until you can get your thoughts together and your plans made. He has spent money you didnt have, it is your turn and your right to do so.....
I like Debra's idea about rescheduling your class tonight? Can that be done?
Dawn
I hesitate to give more of my opinion than is needed. Sometimes my anger gets the better of me and I wouldn't want to lead you somewhere that you are not ready to go.
I think that script-writing can be a positive thing. It will keep you focused and more calm.
I haven't posted to you in awhile, but I've lurked periodically. I'm sorry about your newest discovery and I can tell that you're reeling from this latest turn for the worst.
I'm not here to tell you the path that is best for you, because that's your job. However, I do highly recommend not making any moves or big calls until you know for sure that none of this is a knee-jerk reaction to feeling hurt by his continued betrayal.
That being said, I'm not trying to tell you that you shouldn't feel betrayed or hurt or angry or scared or anxious. What I AM saying is that decisions should never be made as a reaction or on the heels of a traumatic event.
Debra's suggestion of finding a sub is good. And Dawn's to figure out what YOU want (vs. having a talk with him to find out what he wants) is excellent.
That means that your train must stop and you must take control of the brakes and the steering mechanism so that you're not a train wreck in motion. Understand?
I was reminded over and over again at the beginning of my S that the events may be out of my control, but I'm in charge of how I feel and how I respond.
There is a huge difference between reacting and responding. In order for you to be able to think clearly and make good decisions for yourself, it's going to force you to respond rather than react.
His ugly e-mail is disturbing for sure, but it is not forcing you to DO anything that you are not ready to do. I think that the others are trying to get you to see that you DO have choices here. I would rather see you make educated choices where there are no regrets or unhappy reactions causing more pain.
Good luck.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I am getting ready to leave for the evening. I am worried about you. I hope that the reason you weren't posting is because you were able to talk to your priest.
Please remember to be strong and no tears! You have been patient and have waited for him to come around. You have set your needs aside for his sake. Now it's time for you to assert yourself. Follow through with your email.
I will log on tonight when I get home. Please try and let us know how you are doing.
I talked to a preist, he says it's time for me to lovingly but FIRMLY confront him, to even tell him I'm ready to go to the attorneys, and that the church would support a separation or even D. That was pretty astonishing from him.
I lost 2 posts, am trying to hurry because I have to do class tonite...it is a reschedule from last week and I don't have a sub.
I got a snotty email from H about 2, saying how I could surely understand his hesitancy (all my fault, blah blah blah)....and then one at 4 saying he's sorry for being so hot headed. I've responded to neither one.
Don't know what I'm going to say, maybe just repeat my email. I could use any thoughts. Maybe I will tell him I'm not ready to discuss it.
Caught this before I left. Was very happy to read that you were able to talk to someone. I agree with the priest it is time.
Quote: Maybe I will tell him I'm not ready to discuss it.
MHO, not an option. You started this (meant with all understanding and kindness) by sending the email. You need to see it through otherwise you will once again come across as falsely threatening.
I wish the best for you Deb. You have a lot more power over this situation than you think you do.
No reason to get into the nitty-gritty details of the situation just ask for a yes or no answer from him. Be firm and to the point about your decision based on what he has to say to you.
Quote: Maybe I will tell him I'm not ready to discuss it.
I like this option. Also - how about not coming home right after your class - how about coming home at, say, three am? And being a little mysterious about where you were?
Look - the bottom line is, your H is still really confused. It may be that only the real threat of losing you will wake him up. Instead of kicking him out, or giving him an ultimatum - how about doing something totally out of character? I like the idea of postponing the conversation, then informing him you are going away alone for the weekend. Be mysterious. Let him sweat it. Go somewhere and have FUN for the weekend. Don't answer your phone.
You need to shift his focus OFF of "hmmm, who do I really want, W or OW?" and onto "OMG, I'm not ready to lose my W!!!! What if she sleeps with another man???"
Betsey 