Trying to find our way to happiness

[Dmsw4]

Compared to what I've been wracking my brain about...hey, but everyone has their crud to deal with. You seem to be handling yours very well. I'll keep watching. Mellanie

[ValerieA]

Hi there, guyinhou. Thanks for visiting!

As a guy, let me tell you how great it is to just be able to spend time with the person we love, and to just not have the R hanging over our head. We know it's there, and it needs to be dealt with, but it's so great to just get to enjoy your company.

Thank you for this. It's been a great reminder to me that H IS trying and he DOES love me ! Why else would he still be here?

Now I'm speaking as the guy trying to keep the W here, but I think I can relate to how your H feels. He probably carries guilt that you can't imagine is actually there, and you have given him a special gift by just being able to enjoy each other's company.

H does have an enormous amount of guilt. He has told me this numerous times. In the beginning of all this, I felt so many times that I couldn't handle it, I couldn't handle his continuous indecision. But I finally realized that no matter how hard I tried to help or even possibly persuade H, this is something he would have to come to terms with on his own. Therefore I stopped the pressure (intentional and unintentional), I backed off, and I just started going with the flow. I let H set the pace, and I follow along.

I agree he should have gotten you something. Perhaps a better way, instead of saying it didn't matter (which it does!), was to say something that he would find reassuring, like "Well, any gift would be fine with me. What's important is that it came from you. I do like black hills gold, and I could use some earrings"

That's a good suggestion ; I will try that next time, thank you. I think I tend to tell H "it's ok, forget about it" because I just don't want to show him in any way that I am a little hurt and disappointed. I don't want nor do I expect an extravagant gift; I would just appreciate some kind of little token from H (like a card) that would tell me he's thinking of me and acknowledging the importance of the occasion.

Thanks again, guyinhou. I truly appreciate your male perspective on this. It really helps!

JV

[ValerieA]

Mellanie,

I haven't checked out your thread yet, but I will. If there's any kind of support or advice I can offer that you haven't heard already, I will gladly do so!

Yes, there is a lot of crud to deal with, but we CAN get through it, even when it seems impossible, and no matter what, we will be so much stronger in the end.

JV

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Alright. Continuing on:

This is quite difficult because it's sooo personal, but I need to get it out of my system, and it's not something I can talk to friends or family about. Maybe someone here can help guide me through this.

During our last heated convo where H said he was leaving again, H had said something so detrimental, so injurious, so hurtful to me. When he got home, he DID sincerely apologize for saying it, but I have struggled so much with being able to just let it go.

My thoughts were going rampant, and I was a complete emotional mess, so since H said he wanted out and it was over, I asked the questions that were bothering me the most at that time (a VERY DUMB thing to do ). That part of the convo (and H with a hateful tone):

Me: "Well, since it's over, can I ask you about some things that have been bothering me? And just tell me the truth because I have to know so I can let this go and move on."
H: "Ok."
Me: "Did you have -- "
H: "No."
Me: "Let me finish please....Did you have with OW? Whether it was oral or penetration?"
H: "No."
Me: "Then why did you stop having with me after that night you never came home?"
H: "You mean that night I f***ed up my tire?!"
Me: "I don't remember. I just know that we stopped having after that night. We did once in January, and you were so not into it. And ever since then when we would, you put a pillow over your face. What is that about? And when I would do what you used to love, you seem to hate it now. Why?"
H: "I don't know why I put a pillow over my face; I'm sorry. I don't know."
Me: "I always thought we had a good life, but you just don't seem to enjoy it anymore. Why? Just be blunt and tell me the truth."
H (very hateful): "If you knew you were in a relationship, and you were only in it for the sake of the kids, and when your spouse wanted when you didn't, but you did it anyway because it's your only option, how would that make you feel?!"
Me: "I would probably feel dead inside."
H: "There's your answer! That's as blunt as I can be."

..... BIG OUCH .....

Now of course, H never left, we have been intimate a few times since that convo, and I do enjoy H still although that "bluntness" is stuck in the back of my mind, and I begin wondering, "Is he REALLY liking this? Or is he just doing this for me?"

(Ok, I had to take a break -- it's some time later now. H isn't here; he's out playing cards with one of our mutual friends. H said he only gets 1 night of poker next week for this; how can I disagree with that? )

So....I am trying to get over that remark, but it damaged so much in me. H said he was truly sorry, and he does still enjoy with me.

Back to last night when we went to bed; and I had a MAJOR breakdown :

Ok...so...we were in bed, H was playfully pretending to be tired, but I was playfully keeping him awake ! One thing lead to another then ! We were both into it (well, I know I was) like in the early days. H was really into making sure I was "pleased"; he always is. After my numerous moments of pleasure, H just "couldn't" anymore even before getting his own "enjoyment" out of it. (I'm sorry -- I'm trying to put this ever so gently so no one gets offended .) To be a bit blunt, H lost his e***tion.
When this happened, I lost it, and I tried so hard not to, but I began crying. I believe I personalized this as H not being into me, and I felt so inadequate, so unfeminine, so unattractive.

H was stunned and held me trying to console me and asked what was wrong. I said I didn't know (because I really was just a mess).

Still to be continued.....H is home now.

JV

[kml]

J -
depression and/or guilt (or too much alcohol). It's not about you - don't makeit into a big thing.
Ellie

[andrea]

JV
i think the same as Ellie... maybe alcohol and all the back memories around you do a lot...!!
Reading your gentle intimate description and that conversation you and h had, i can remember hatefull and hurting words my h had said me in back crisis since 3 years in a row... and now, when we talked about that, he always said this wors were said only bc the moment... I dont know and still doesnt beleive him... but i also know sitch can changes and men use to live by moments, scenary, changng from one to the other so easy and quickly... Last sunday, when h and me were intimate finally afer almost 5 months, although i had thpught abput this moment so scared bc me not functioning well or him, was so great... and he feel it bc the message hi sent me... he doesnt use at all to send me cell messag, so... yes, i made him feel great...!... and i will remember this for the future... when that terrible and hurting words can arouse from him... bla bla bla... i am atractive and i can makes you feel so high in intimate R... I think his change modd after that intimate moment was him thinking again... so... i said i dont feel happy... i had said her i dont desire her... but i not only desore her yesterday but also enjoy it too much... what a hell is going on inside of me..!! .. So relax... take a breath... dont think too much on that past words as the true... and continue going on....
Andrea

[ValerieA]

Ellie and Andrea,

Thank you for your feedback and reassurance. After talking with H and reading what you had to offer, it WAS the amount of alcohol H had to drink that night and NOT ME. H reminded me that this actually happened once before a really loooong time ago; another time when he consumed too much alcohol. So I do feel much better now hearing it and most of all being reassured by H, but many times I need to hear the reassurances more than once. Thanks again.

-----------------------

Back to anniversary night:

Basically, H reassured me that it was the alcohol and not me by saying, "Who do I love, JV?", "Who's my sexy wife?", and "Who does this man belong to?" After answering "me" to the last one, H said, "Then come get your man, babe."... !

Yesterday, H was working all day doing installs. When he got home and after the kids were in bed, H asked again why I started crying the other night. I thought very carefully about what to say because, of course, I didn't want to say, "It was because of what you said to me before!" . I told H, "I took what happened personally. I thought it had to do with me, and it made me feel inadequate." H said, "Inadequate? Not at all. I just had too much to drink, I'm sorry." I told H don't be because he didn't do anything wrong.

Awhile later, our mutual friend called H to see if he wanted to go play cards with him. H told him he would call him back. H went to take a shower and afterwards said to me, "So, here's the deal. I'm taking Saturday off. We can drive down to Magic Mountain on Friday after the kids are gone, spend all of Saturday there, but I have to work on Sunday, ok?" I said ok then H said, "Well, I know I used up my 2 nights already this week, but if you let me go tonight with XXX then I only get to go 1 night next week. Are you alright with that? If not, I won't go." I told H that was fine with me.

So H quickly got dressed and was running around the house looking for his keys, ID, etc. H said, "I don't have to work early tomorrow, so....I'll see you whenever I get home. Bye." I said bye then he left..... ....H was in such a hurry there was no "thank you", "ILY", a hug, or whatever from him.....BUT then H walked back in the door, came to me, gave me a kiss and hug and said, "Thank you......I am sorry about last night. Did you at least have fun?" I said, "Yes, of course!" Then H said, "I just wanted to please you." I said, "You did, H. I really enjoyed being with you; I always do." Then H said, "Alright. Thank you. I'll see you when I get home. ILY."

H returned home only after about 2 1/2 hours. He booked a quick win!

How exciting! We're going to Magic Mountain this weekend ! I've only been there once when I was 14, and H has never been there before. We should definitely have a blast !

Thanks for listening.

JV

[andrea]

happy Magic weekend JV.... enjoy it a lot....!!!!..
Andrea

[ValerieA]

I don't have much time to post.

Last night took a turn for the WORST , and according to H, it could have all been avoided if I just let him go play cards like he wanted to. Never mind our compromise, huh?

Seeing that I'm limited on time, let me just get to it (and H had been drinking):

H: "No, you're not alright with it.......and I'm not alright with anything."
Me: "What are you not alright with, H?"

H told me again just how much he hates himself. He says I'll never understand what's going on in him. He knows that me and the boys are the best thing that has ever happened to him, but when he looks at us, he hates himself even more and more each day because he's reminded of what a s**t he feels he is.

He said he's a "compulsive gambler, an occasional alcoholic, a piece of s**t, and I don't deserve to live. I REALLY wish you would just leave me."

He admits that he is a bulimic, he knows he's killing himself, and this is why he hasn't stopped; he said he IS trying although not as much as he knows he could. He refuses to become a "fat pig like I was" again.

He said he can't sleep at night and has the worst nightmares ever. H said, "If you even knew half of the s**t I dream about, you'd be gone in a second, JV!" He told me that he dreams about killing others to survive, police chasing him all over the place, and being nailed shut inside of a coffin with a small hole just big enough for the barrel of the rifle (next to him in his dream) to fit through, then he just starts shooting at anyone and everybody.

He said, "I want to die so bad; I want to kill myself all the time, but I don't because of you guys. But then I feel like you would all be so much better off without me. I hate my father, and I hate my mother. I hate my mother! I love her, but I hate her for marrying a piece of s**t like me!"

Then he was telling me he just doesn't understand why I don't leave him; how can I stay with someone so f***ed up as he is.

I told him because ILY, and I can't just turn my back on him when he needs so much right now. I told him I was so sorry for the way that he feels, he must be going through such h*ll right now, and I can't even imagine or pretend to understand what he's going through. I told him I've been worried for so long, but everytime I tried to help or suggested getting help, he has always refused it. I want to help him, but he has to want to be helped.

H said, "ILY, JV, and I would never hurt you or the boys. I'm going to have some drinks with XXXXX, then I'm coming home, and I'll tell you "I'm sorry and ILY" like I always do. That's what I'm going to do because that's just my routine. This is my f***ed up life."



There is so much more, but I have to go now.

What can one do to help a severely depressed loved one when they don't want the help? H needs it so badly.

JV

BTW, I registered on a depression forum last night, but haven't received any replies yet.

[Dmsw4]

JV, I can't even imagine what you and H must be going through. My H is depressed, but never says anything about ending his life. You have to take it seriously, but I have no idea what to tell you. I'll just bump you up and keep in touch. mel