Hello everyone. I'm returning to the BB after a long absence. My user name was Mfl but I've reregistered cos I forgot my password. Some names still around I recognise, lots of new ones but still the same caring, kindness and humour that saved my sanity and my life many times over.
This isn't the right forum for me as I'm not actually divorced yet but feel that I might as well be. And I don't seem to fit in anywhere else either. Maybe I'll move my thread after I've settled in - if anyoone has suggestions of a good camping spot please feel free.
Me 35 H 36 Son 3 (almost) Together 11 years Married 3 years (5 1/2 inclusing separation) Separated 2 1/2 years
Very brief version: H had an affair when I was pregnant. I found out when our son was 4 months old. The affair was ongoing. He said he would end it and stay and we would try to get past it. He lied, I knew, H moved out six weeks later saying he needed time and space to think. H said he was not seeing OW. I found out he was.
After a couple of months it looked like he was going to come back home, he had ended it with OW and spent Chrismas and New Year with us. Then changed his mind and ran back to OW. Over the next two years it has been on and off with OW. H has stayed very close with me lots of phone calls and visits, we've been away for several weekends, celebrated all birthdays together etc. H as always said he doesn't want a D, if we ever did talk about it he says it isn't what he wants. H has been very very depressed a lot of this time. His reputation at work has suffered as he has been unable to put as much effort in (he has a very stressfull job anyway).
After initially trying to change his mind and convince him we could make our marriage work I stopped trying. I remained his friend an have been there for him (quite literally at 4am when he called me in danger of seriously harming himself). I haven't mentioned the OW or our relationship. I've got on with my life. Over the last 3 months I saw a big change in H. He was still down but better than before. He seemed to be opening up a bit. He began calling me every evening and coming over to visit more often than before. He was paying me compliments on the way I looked. He asked me if our son and I wanted to go on holiday with him. Of course I said yes.
Then here comes the blow and the reason I'm back here:
About 4 weeks ago he called me one night in tears and said that we need to split up our bank accounts then ended the conversation. When I saw him next I told him I'd started looking at our finances and he said he didn't mean what he said. I told him I'd give him the info anyway. Then I got sick. Four days ago he called me and told me if I hadn't bothered to do it he'd do it himself. The next day he told my mother that he is moving in with the OW and that he wants a D. My mother told him to tell me that himself. She did however tell me what he had said. When H came to see our son he told me that he was still seeing OW and he wanted me to know because he knew he had given the impression he wasn't. I asked him why he was telling me that now when I'd never really known over the last two years. He said he thought things needed to move on. I said ok, how would you like things to change. He said he didn't know. I asked if he meant he wanted a D. He said he supposed so. I told him if he filed I wouln't contest it (in the UK he can't divorce me without my agreement for 5 years after leaving) and asked if that was all he wanted to tell me. He said it was. ?? Then he stayed until late in the evening crying and telling me that he didn't go looking for all this and that he didn't want me to not be in his life. ?? He was in a right state when he left and said he would call me. I haven't heard from him since except a text the same night saying he got home ok (something we always do).
I don't even really know why I'm here. On the one hand it's just like more of his dramatics. On the other hand why should I care as I've been just getting on with my life. I thought I didn't really care anymore although I still love him. But now I feel like I've just lost him all over again. I'm in such a state I've had to send my S3 to his grandpa for the weekend.
Hey, I'm sorry you have to be here. I am from the UK too. I honestly don't know what to suggest but I think that going through with the D might be good, force him to choose either you or OW and move on somehow.
I am in similar sitch with on-off H. He did have an OW but they split up and he came to me.
I was kinda wondering if you'd read my sitch as I am not sure if I am doing it right and need reassurance.
Jo Hi, thanks for the welcome. Yeah I think you are right, I think we both need this D because the back and forth for the last two years has been exhausting. I think my H has made his decision he just isn't strong enough to deal with the reality. I haven't had time to read all of your sitch so I'll leave comment until I've read through.
Hi Ellie
I think you are exactly right, he is just not brave enough and he wants me to be the one to take action (even though he says not). I think that is what he is REALLY saying.
Thanks both of you, I'd got myself into a state about it all again, maybe even hearing what I WANTED to hear. I've always resisted "the end" and giving up hope but people around here always say that you will know when the end has come.
I think that end is finally here. But that's ok because with the end comes a new beginning. I probably stick around though because I've got a feeling I'll need the support
I'd pretty much felt like "talking" about getting a life on the BB was stopping me from actually getting one. So I did.
My son is almost 3 now and he is the best boy in the world of course - sounds like he has swallowed a dictionary and has an incredible sense of humour. And of course he is beatuful.
I stayed friendly with H and he has rubber banded back and forward. I suppose I was DBing passively. A few months ago he really came forward, coming round when it wasn't his days to see S3 and talking about us doing all the stuff that needed doing to the house. He even asked us to go on holiday with him. Turns out that this was during one of his "not seeing OW" periods.
Then the latest development. Either he got scared or she came back and this time with conditions ie: boot the wife once and for all Who knows? Who cares??
I told H that this time I really felt it would be healthier for all of us (OW included) if we only maintained a friendly contact with regards to our son. Not all the phones calls and visits and birthdays and playing online games together.
However, the usual pattern is starting again he has left 3 messages on my phone this afternoon along the lines of "I just want to know how you are.....if you don't want to talk to me (sniff..sniff..voice breaks up here) please send a text so I know you are ok". I don't want to be cruel and have him worry about me but if I call back it will just lead down the same road of daily calls "to see how you both are".
Arrghhh!! Listen to me, and I was all calmed down to
I'm sorry to read about your situation Yanni. But you're right this all boils down to what is most important here....the answer is you and your son.
I don't know what's going on in your h's mind, but he's not very grown up is he? It strikes me that he wants you and son at home waiting and he wants OW to go out and have fun with. Like I say I don't know just a hunch.
Perhaps you need to have a good think and set some boundaries. You need to decide what's best for you and get out there and do it! With or without your h.
Holdingon I think about you a lot too. I looked for your thread but couldn't find one. It is hard but I'm glad you are looking to the future. Hope your boys are well too.
Mojo No he isn't very grown up but then I used to like that about him . When the bomb first dropped my gut instinct told me that he suddenly decided he didn't want what he had always said he wanted - a family with me. I still think that. He has even said to me that nothing is any different for me except that he is not there! And that it is his life that is trashed.
Anyway, this week he is even lying about being away (he still works away from home) so that he doesn't have to come round and see his son. Or maybe it is me he can't face. I know because I just saw him in town a couple of hours ago. I'm having the hardest time not calling him.
I told him to file for D so we can get all this sorted out but he isn't doing anything about it. I so don't want to file but I'm thinking maybe I have to. I'm considering applying to University to do Forensic Science with Law and I need to know exactly how much income I will have. Right now his salary is taken into account when I apply for grants or bursaries. I could go ahead and apply but then I'd need to refigure averything again when and if he does split the money.
So hands up, who thinks I should bite the bullet and file for D?
P.S. Thanks everyone for posting to me it helps a lot. I'm all over the place but trying hard not to dwell on it and just get on with life again for me and my son.
I don't know if you should file or not. How will you feel if you do? It might be liberating for you, it might make you feel guilty. You need to decide what is best for you.
No, not much posting, too much reality for me, don't need to post it here.
I am glad you have some goals for the future... enough treading water!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm glad to "see" you.
Who knows? Who cares??
but then I used to like that about him