I'm new to this section of the message board, as I have been DB'in and spent my time on the I Need Support Section, formerly under Chris. New ID, new life right??
My wife's affair is in the open now. It really is a relief. I was suspicious, but it was suppose to be just a EA. I want this marriage to work, for her, the kids and me. I have it in my heart to forgive her and have told her that. The trouble may be that she can't accept the forgiveness that I offer so willingly.
I'm sorry this has happened. In my case, I knew there was some other reason my H all of a sudden decided he didn't love me, etc. In a weird way, it was a relief to confirm my suspicions..but it also hurt more than anything I could ever imagine. But, like in Michele's KLA tapes, it really doesn't matter what the cause is or whose to blame. It's time to focus on solutions. My H knows I will forgive him, but our spouses are not ready for that. They are only thinking of themselves..they are in their own fantasy land. I would suggest you pick up a copy of Surviving an Affair and Surviving Infidelity. These books helped me sort out all the emotions that were running through me. Unfortunately, it must be your W and my H choice to work on their marriages. Right now, with the other person, they are not facing the issues. They will fail. We must be strong and keep DBing. We must be the strong ones. We may be there for them when they fail..we may not. But, we must nuture ourselves. Everything I've read says that reconciliation is not possible while an affair is going on. I have made the choice to wait..at least for now, and I assume you've made the same choice. We are not choosing the easy way out like our spouses. If our marriages don't work, we will know we have done everything we can to save them. There is no shame in that. We will have our dignity. I don't think our spouses will be able to say they are proud of what they've done.
We will all support one another though our journeys.
The affiar is over. He has gone back to his wife. The OM's wife came to us and told both of us he was back in his home and they were working on their relationship.
My wife now says she won't leave and has agreed to work on it. She doesn't have a lot of passions when she says she will work on it. But she has acknowleded it is right. She is also grieving the loss of the relationship with the OM. The bad part is that I had my head where it didn't belong for so long. This has been going on for about 2 yrs. I beleive we will get through this, but I will be paying much closer attention to our relationship. I value it more now than I did.
I need some suggestions on how I proceed. Should I continue DB technics?? How can I help her accept my forgivness? How can I help her with the guilt? Although she is starting, how can I help her accept my love?
I would recommend the book Surviving an Affair. It leads you through withdrawal and reconciliation. I hope I get to use those chapters one of these days.
Kansas, I've been there and can really feel for you. A couple of books that helped me were "After the Affair" and "Infidelity, a survivor's guide." Everything that goes on when a spouse cheats on you is on their timeline, not yours. I believe your wife probably knows you forgive her, but she can't find it in her heart to forgive herself. She probably wants a life with you, but can't face the shame she has brought upon herself. My H said he was staying for the sake of the boys and that he was probably giving up the one true chance at happiness that he had. It killed me to hear those words, but I thanked him for at least thinking of the kids. I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him for a long, long time. Intimacy was regained by little things such as back rubs, foot massages, listening to his stories when he gets home from work at 1 am when I have to be at work by 7am. Intimacy does not always mean sex. As time went on, though, we regained the passion in our sexual relationship. Our communication skills have gotten so much better. In our 14 years of marriage, we never went away alone together. In the past 6 weeks, we have dropped the kids off at mother-in-laws and went out of town for some alone time twice. we have not had one fight in the 5 months that we have been in the rebuilding stage. We have learned to listen, comment, share our feelings without getting upset about things. It is almost like the affair has strengthened our bond. The other day on our way home from our overnight trip, I said that I was so glad he gave me another chance. He said that the amazing thing was that I gave him another chance. I told him that I always loved him. He said, me, too. I just forgot for a little while. So if you are both in the same direction heading towards rebuilding your marriage...just be patient. Have dinner ready for her one evening. Leave a note in the morning just to say Hi...i was thinking about you. Have a great day. These are little things that might bring intimacy. Even though it is very difficult...have your sad moments by yourself. Before you ever think to bring up things about her affair that upset you...think about what the fallout might be and if it is really that important to know. You are on the right track. It will just take time. good luck....Karen
Karen, Your advice is Kansas is so wonderful. It's amazing that you were able to do the things you did and equally wonderful that they worked so well. IT's so touching to read how things have improved for you. Your story is a great inspiration to so many here. Kansas, follow her advice. She's right...every step of the way. Michele
