I have a question that I would like opinions on. What and who exactly is the Surviving board for???
I always thought that it was the natural progression of things. A place to come while you are healing and working you way through the divorce process and it's fallout. I always thought that when we graduated to this board it was more than understood that the DBing days were behind us. Is that a wrong assumption on my part?
I see the MLC board and Piecing and Hoping as the boards you use when you are still in the "saving your marriage' mode.
So what about Surving? Isn't this a place to heal when all else has failed. To work through the next stage in your life? I don't know, are we all supposed to come to the realization that things haven't worked out as we had originally hoped, and then just fade into the woodwork?
I feel that the other boards were great and also helped me a great deal in getting through this. I saw surviving as helping me to understand that there was still a ways to go in my personal healing. Maybe that's not the intent of this board.
So, what I am asking is, if this board is here for a purpose other than the interpretation that I have given to it, I would like to know!
Thoughts?????????
Beth
Mull,
Thanks for checking up on me. I have had a crazy week but it's Friday. Let the good times roll!!!
If I understand your question correctly, are you asking whether this is a 'chatting' forum or a 'help' forum? Maybe I'm oversimplifying your question, but that's the way I understood it.
If that is the case, I was under the impression, or at least hoping, that this board's purpose is to help us through this stage as well.. but of course I'm not a veteran here but that's just my understanding of it. That's the way I've been using it too.
Hi Beth, I agree with you as to the purpose of this particular forum. We are no longer interested in saving our marriages, have accepted that it's over and are moving on. We are in a much different mindset.
I know that there are still some people in this forum who do still want the spouses back and I don't think this is the place for them to get any help in that area. We are past being willing to put up with XS's crap for any reason. We have survived all of that!!!
I use this board as a form of therapy to vent, get advice, laugh, etc. As long as it helps me in some way, I'll continue to use it.
The Main Index indicates this board is for "rebuilding lives after divorce". That doesn't mean you have to continue to DB and it doesn't mean you can't. If someone wants to vent, analyze an X's actions, compare circumstances, post country song lyrics, be funny, stay in touch or support their friends who are trying to heal/rebuild their lives following or leading up to divorce...why not? The board is what you make of it. I think I know why you asked. I wouldn't worry about the DBier than-thou-attitude or chastisements of one who once upon a time vented and blamed and analyzed X's on this very board. JMO.
IMHO.....For us the game of saving our M is over. I thought this section was about moving on, venting about our Ex's, making friends and helping others deal with post D issues, such as dating, new relationships, child issues, financial issues.. stuff like that.
I do know people here do want their spouse back....but they are divorced so they post here not in "piecing".
As for me..... nope I will never go down the Ex's road again. Too many wonderful ladies out there and besides it will take me a while to interview them all as dating material. Just kidding!!
Hi Beth! Good question. I think this board serves a few purposes. Most of all, it is for those who have accepted that their marriages are over and that divorce has either occurred or is inevitable. I think that once we have reached that decision (or it is made for us) its not a "magic pill" and all the emotions and other issues we talked about on the other boards don't go away. They certainly haven't for me. It is also obvious that many here still have lots of ex related problems a long time after the divorce is final. I think its also important to note that Divorces occur at different stages. I know people who were divorced within 6 months of the bomb, while some, like me, are still trying to get it in the 4th year. Some people are emotionally divorced long before they are legally divorced and others get the legal but can't finish grieving for some time after.
So, I think we need a place to vent to others who understand. We also need support as we move forward and grow. In my life, I know it helps to talk to others about Post-D dating. Many of us share similar concerns and we can also laugh about of triumphs and trials.
I haven't left the bb yet because I still need the support I find here, especially after trying emotional encounters with Chuck. It helps to get the input. I do think that I am finding the need to post less all the time, but I also like to think that I can be here for others, especially those I have been posting to for a long time. Its a mutual thing - I'm there for you - you're there for me.
As far as other things - I suppose one can post on Just For Fun but I personally don't have a problem with jokes, song lyrics or partying on the Surviving forum. We all need some lightness in our lives too.
So, its a place to heal, support, have fun and even look up old friends. That's my take on it anyway.
Is that really f-ing possible???? ha ha...maybe in Mulligan's case
"I can't see the end but maybe it's just past the clouds a short way up...not sure.
"fine baby..be mad at me..if you didn't love me you wouldn't be mad because
YOU WOULDN'T CARE.."
Thanks so much Rupunz, qoe, Swansong, Mulligan and Barb,
I really appreciate all of your feedback. Each of your answers gave me something to think about.
I have been at this for a VERY long time. For most of that time I had hoped for nothing more than for my husband to see the light. Once I understood that it didn't matter how much you think you want something, it was going to take his wanting for it to work in order for that to happen, I was able to move on.
I still believe in DBing and would recommend it for anyone. Although it didn't get me the end result I wanted, it did give me time to heal. Knowing where I was when I started down this road, I will always be grateful for that. I will also always be grateful for all of the good friends that I have made on these boards!
I also do understand that none of us really knows what is going on in someone else's head and heart. Saying that, I also want to say that if a walkaway is giving all of the signs to others of wanting to still work on something but never directly goes to the person that they should be talking to, has anything really changed? In my case, the answer is NO!
Sometimes when someone posts, they just want help in trying to figure things out. We all need a different perspective. I offer something from my perspective, while Pammie or Mulligan or GiGi may have a quite different take. In the end, it's up to us to figure out where the truth lies and what we can live with. Nobody else can make our decision for us.
I also feel that the bigger purpose for our being here is to support each other. Everytime I have no more left to say, someone here that I have come to love comes checking to make sure that I am doing ok. The support here is different then what our everyday friends can give us. We all know first hand how it feels to be in this situation. That is so much different that watching someone go through it from the sidelines.
I have always been a people person. If I could come here and magically take away the hurt from everyone on this board I would. Since I can't I give the only thing I can and that is a friend to tell them what they mean to me and that everything is going to be OK.
For whatever reason we were all meant to cross paths at this point in time. Although it sounds strange, I am grateful. You have all helped to make me a better person.
Hi Bethie, When I first moved from MLC to here, I was in the middle of a very nasty divorce trial that was eating me up inside. I came here because I thought that the people who SURVIVED divorce..trial or no....might be able to help me get through it alive. I needed advice, support, and answers to many questions that came up during the trial.
But I felt that too many of the people who were THEN here, were OVER all that and just didn't want to revisit...they wanted to get as far away from the pain of divorce as they could. Some were partying heartily, dating promiscuously...maybe even having their own MLC as someone posted one day. These people were probably hiding some of the lonliness and emptimess they felt, and they didn't want to have to 'go back' to where I was, trying to get through a nasty and long trial.
There were many people here who were already in new relationships, or just dating around and had questions of how to balance dating and kids. Again, I was in the middle of a trial and dating wasn't an option for me...so there just wasn't a connection or empathy.
THere are all new faces on Surviving now...and I think your general idea of what this particular section 'is' is probably more of the intent of the board administrators.
People are here because they couldn't save their marriages, are now either divorcing or divorced and have need of support and empathy to get over the hump, to adapt (a friend who is grieving the loss of her only child said this the other day: I dont' think we HEAL but rather ADAPT), to learn about this new world we have been forced to enter.
It really seems like it should be for most anything anyone NEEDS it to be. But certainly, I would hope that the people posting here still care, still want to help and empathize rather than lecture and pontificate.
As to DBing...I guess we should remember that DBing was about saving our marriages but can also be used with our kids, our moms, our bosses, our employees, and our new relationships. It is a theory or model of communicating really...so it needn't be relegated to just saving marriage.
Not sure what prompted this question, and I hope it wasn't someone giving someone a hard time about not letting go, moving on, getting over themselves etc....we all have to remember that we greive on our own timetable, not 'expected' time tables.
So Bethie, I hope you will always feel that you can post whereever you want to on these boards, and that most of the time, most of the responses will be full of warmth and caring. Maybe someone was just having a bad day or so full of anger that it gets in the way of the abilty to feel compassion. So be serious, be funny, vent anger or impatience, ask questions, give answers, bet on football or give info about computers, talk about dating or whether death is better than divorce, ask for names for your cat or names for the OW...give and receive compassion for we have all been through hell and are trying to ADAPT as best we can.
