GEL said: --------------- You aren't "letting" him do this Sally, it's his choice. No matter how you fight against his choice....it's still his to make. And, the more you fight against it...the more appealing it may become to him. ---------------
Which is EXACTLY the reason I recommended Dobson's book.
Sally, that book explains why he needs to get what he thinks he wants.
Please reconsider reading the book.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: Should I let him throw away his whole life just because he's going through this big childish phase?
You aren't "letting" him do this Sally, it's his choice. No matter how you fight against his choice....it's still his to make. And, the more you fight against it...the more appealing it may become to him.
GEL
Oh, you know, I agree...and I have told him...if you don't want to be married to me, you know where the door is, good bye. But I am not going to leave the house or my kids.
He won't go. I will not "let him" push me into giving him what he thinks he deserves, which is the house the kids and me gone. And to be honest, that probably would be great for him for awhile, all my stuff gone, all my issues gone...long run it wouldn't be so great for him though.
I'm not going to disappear just so he can find out what it's like. It's too much of a risk for me, and again, the kids.
I also think he believes that I'm hanging on the marriage because I'm afraid to be alone. I lived alone for several years before we got married, and my parents really weren't there for me in a lot of ways growing up. I am not afraid of being alone. I think I am an incredibly strong person.
Frankly, as hard as it would have been at the time, it probably would have been easier to cave on the divorce and get it over with and get on with my life. It's probably inevitable anyway. But it really is "my way AND the highway" with him. I'm not going to let it happen. The only way to negotiate with him is for ME to bring in lawyers and start negotiating a separation settlement. He will not willingly give me a fair shake. And I know him once I bring lawyers in and start asking for what I deserve, the marriage IS OVER. He will not see anything but the "evil EX" in me ever again.
so here I am. I feel like this is my only option if I want to save what I still believe is a saveable marriage. I think my only real option is to try (and it's very hard) to be the best person I can be and not play his games...it may not work, but I'm doing the only thing I know how to do.
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
By about 4 PM, I could tell he was getting bummed out that no one remembered his b-day (no one, even his mom, had acknowledged his b-day, I apparently am the only one who remembered). I was making a fave dinner anyway, so I called my daughter at her friends and got her to buy a cake on the way home. Yes, both kids forgot his birthday, even though I reminded them a few days before.
I decided it was making ME feel bad, and I couldn't do it. I did tell him that I was sorry, I was trying to do what I thought he wanted, by stepping out of the picture and let the kids handle his b-day. My daughter didn't even bake the cake after she bought it, she went in her room and took a nap.
Anyway, it turned out not that bad...I guess. I hope he realized that it was finally me that pulled it all together, as usual.
I figure I'll probably offer to let the kids take him out to dinner this weekend, but I will not go. I'm just sick and tired. I wish he would move out. It's almost more torture having him hanging around the house being nice to me, knowing that he wants out. Plus he needs to learn. I just think if he moves out he'll learn the wrong lesson...and he won't leave, he wants out, but he wants ME OUT.
AND he finally had his court date for the DWI (arrest was Dec 1st). Guess what? The cop didn't show and the case was dismissed...can you believe it? Part of me is actually relieved that I won't have to worry about insurance being cancelled or him getting in trouble with work because he drives a company vehicle...but I was also hoping somehow he'd get a lesson. Let's hope all the stress he went through and the two nights in jail were enough.
And the conversations we've had about the arrest/and his stripper habit seem to miss the point of why I'm upset anyway...yes I am jealous about the girl thing and the money thing but he needs to see that the problem is that he can't stop going, not that it's upsetting me.
So I was sort of planning on a relaxing 3 day weekend...maybe hoping I could not think about all this drama and spend the weekend around the house being a family. And then I got stressed out thinking he'll probably sneak out to the club tonight, he'll have the perfect opportunity.
Why can't I just let it go? I think one of my strengths is my ability to not stress out about things I can't control. I'm doing OK at this, but the best way to describe myself is the the cliche "emotional rollercoaster" What happened to my stable personality?
I still think so much of this goes back to my physical appearance and that just makes me so angry. Why do men* seem to think it's OK to "use our bodies" to bear their children and then complain about how we look after, or just trade us in on a brand new model? I can't get over the idea that he's constantly comparing me to these hot young chicks and I will never stack up. I think he feels he has "strong feelings" for me but just because he doesn't get that "schwing" feeling everytime I walk by, he's not "in love" with me any more. And you know it can't have anything to do with his aging body either...I'm not talking appearance, but I'm sure he feels any sexual slowing down he's feeling is due to my age, not his.
It almost feels like he owes me companionship for the rest of my life and I know that sounds stupid, but yeesh couldn't he just TRY to work on our relationship? No, it's got to be perfect with no effort on his part. The fact that he has a voluptuous, attractive woman who is totally commited to him, as a person, who can forgive all (well most) of his faults, isn't good enough for him to even make a freakin' effort?
Anyway, again, I feel better just having written that rant out, there may be no logic to it...but like I said, emotional rollercoaster
*please don't take this comment personally, I know you all aren't like that, but I also know that you must realize that so many men are
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
Sally... A man who is healthy finds a way to make his W feel like she is #1, esp if the W is not withholding. Obviously he doesn't feel so great about himself...what he can't see is that he is taking his family down with him. The question is, how much does he have to lose in order to wake up and turn things around?
I know it's hard, but try not to personalize his actions. Protect yourself as best you can and make your life as fulfilling as possible without him. How sad that the kids are distancing themselves from him as well.
I do believe that changes can occur, even in the eleventh hr, and hope to hear a happy ending here. Just curious--you mentioned that everyone in his family is divorced; what thoughts does he have about it all? Sometimes people try like crazy not to repeat those same mistakes. Has he given any thought to counseling? is he religious/spiritual at all...any guidance there?
I have to keep reminding myself that it's his problem, not mine...I'm ok, he's not...you're right, he is not healthy, and he will sometimes admit that he "has problems" but usually finds away to make them into my fault.
He doesn't see at all why the kids are withdrawing from him. In a way, he tries very hard, but he hasn't seemed to figure out that badmouthing me behind my back, and not really spending any "quality" time with the kids affects things. He tries to get my son to play ball with him, even though that his his interest, not the son's...for example. It's not like he's never home.
As far as the family divorce thing, the last time we talked about this, only a week or so ago, he said "divorce isn't such a big deal, people do it all the time". When we were in the thick of divorce proceedings last year, and I tried to make him see how it would affect the kids, and reminded him what he used to say about his childhood, he said that his childhood was not bad...essentially denied what he's told me all his life.
You're right, it's nearly impossible not to personalize his actions. I know it's really not about me, at least not that much, but it is so painful to be rejected over and over...I don't know if the fact that overall, surfacewise, things are so good, makes it harder or easier.
There is no religion in his life, he never ever belonged to a church. He is not interested in counseling because he doesn't really believe he has a problem, and even if he admitted that much, I don't think he believes counseling will help him. And, as I've said, when asked about working on our marriage he says he doesn't want to.
Anyway, after I wrote that previous post, I left work, and hoping I was crazy, drove by the club, and his car was there. I don't know how I always know this is happening. The "perfect situation" I referred to is that he had a softball game tonight, tomorrow is payday, long weekend, just had a birthday, feels like partying. I didn't know what time the game was, but I just felt like he was going to leave work early to go to the club. And I was right, because he works till 6 PM and works in another town, which is a little over an hour away from our town. So at 5:30, he was at the club, which means he left work about an hour and a half early.
So, this sounds so "high school" but I wrote "liar" on his window in lipstick...smallish, but he wouldn't miss it.
I just wanted him to know I was there. He just called me about 10 minutes ago...didn't say anything about the lipstick or what was going on, just sort of checked in. And I didn't say anything, because I'm not ready to get into it till he gets home. I imagine he isn't positive it's me, it could be one of the girls at the club, and that's fine. So he is playing his game right now, I assume (on a team with a bunch of my relatives on it).
As far as 11th hour changes, I really want to believe that will happen. I feel pretty strongly though, that once I start making financial demands on him, it's over. Maybe after a few years, he'll see what he's lost, but any financial hardship will blind him to anything but the fact that I'm evil because I expect him to take responsibility for his actions.
I think what I will do tonight is tell him to get out of the house, he can stay with his brother, whatever, but he needs to leave, I've had it. There's a good chance he'll stay anyway until I can find some legal way to make him leave.
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
Sally wrote: ----------------- So, this sounds so "high school" but I wrote "liar" on his window in lipstick...smallish, but he wouldn't miss it. -----------------
OUTSTANDING!!!!
Alright.
That wasn't high school, that was a simple statement of fact.
I am glad that he knows that you know.
quote: ------------------ As far as 11th hour changes, I really want to believe that will happen. I feel pretty strongly though, that once I start making financial demands on him, it's over. Maybe after a few years, he'll see what he's lost, but any financial hardship will blind him to anything but the fact that I'm evil because I expect him to take responsibility for his actions. ------------------
He does have financial responsibilities, and it is high time that he faced up to them. It is always easier to blame someone else for your problems, than to deal with them yourself.
When he discovers what the court thinks his financial obligations are, he may wake up pretty quick.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Youre not worried about anger? Best of luck to you and your kids, and, H for you have a hard go ahead, but it sounds like you have the right plan and the strength.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I don't think he's coming home tonight after his game. He may come home really late, but he would be home by now if he came "straight home"
I'm trying to decide if I should call him and remind him he has a 12 year old son who will be home alone tomorrow if he doesn't come home (school is out here, H is off on Fridays).
I don't want to turn this into a "nagging to come home thing" but he needs to face this responsibility...and I would like to talk to him before tomorrow, and both kids are gone tonight so it would be a good time.
I had a feeling this would happen
Slowly all the roles we act out become our Identity,
And in the end we are what we pretend to be.
-Jerry Cantrell
