Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

Divorcebusting.com

JOURNALING

Well, here I am on my newest thread and I've come to some very clear conclusions about me. Since my snowboarding accident exactly 6 years ago, it has been brought to my attention that my memory and my brain don't operate quite like they did before. Part of the change in me is that I allow so much negativity to loop between my ears and I've beaten myself down emotionally incessantly since my accident, making my life much more challenging. All of this was quite something to have brought to my attention, as it flew in direct opposition to what I believed was true about my brain functioning and healing.

My initial impulse was to be defensive and defiant, but that quickly died down because I thought, what if it's true? I certainly do want to know about my brain function/emotional shortcomings after my accident, particularly if I'm not aware of them, because that at least gives me a fighting chance of developing new, alternative neural pathways in my brain to compensate for the physical damage my accident caused. The brain is a wonderful thing. It's up to me to control it's functioning with my mind.

I'd be lying if I didn't own up to the fact that what I've been told is disappointing and scary. I it. I also know that I am determined to make the necessary compensatory changes to make my life and myself all that it and I can be. I am sad that others who are close to me have held out from telling me about the changes in my brain workings for so long, but at least now I know what I'm dealing with and can work on making conscious changes in my life/behavior/perceptions. I know where I am and I know where I want and intend to be. I'll get there. I am an extremely determined.

About my DBing. I'm in a holding pattern and doing the best that I can to hold it all together to push myself through my every day challenges. Again, staying focused and determined will assist me in reaching my goals and achieving my dreams...ALL of them.

Latest prior thread from Still Hopeful

JOURNALING:

Not much to offer in the way of my DBing efforts because I am focused on getting a job. I do have the opportunity to be with XW, and I take advantage of those times to put my best foot forward and present myself in the best possible light despite my ongoing job search. I do know that a positive attitude is the best way to look for a job and it's also the best way to present myself to XW when I am afforded the opportunity to be with her, so I'm doing well with what I have going on.

Injured or not, you are capable and wonderful...

I am relieved that you are not up all night, every night typing explanations.

You are DOING what it takes to get employed. You are also comforting your kids... keep doing... I will too.

I just looked backward... dumbass. You are up all night, every night, typing. Stop doing that...

Love,
Flicka

Hey Flicka, I resemble that remark.

Actually, I am back in the job search saddle and taking care of what I control. So you know, I am taking care of my children and comforting them in this confusing time of their lives. They are my anchors for sanity and my beautiful and perfect gifts from God. I do without sleep a lot of times, but my body tells me when it needs to rest, so I'm holding myself together because not doing so is not an option.

Thanks for caring. I taking care of myself pretty well in this down time of my life.

I was looking at the title of my thread and the words self-deprecation jumped out at me because of my pastor friend, Bill. Attending my church's Job Transition Ministry, Bill was talking to the group and he mentioned that self-deprecation is one of the most egregious forms of pride because we are choosing to rely on ourselves and our own abilities instead of relying on our Savior. I had never looked at my own behavior in both my job transition and my DBing efforts as idolatry, or worshiping my own 'powers', rather than relying on God who is omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient. I suppose coming to that realization is the ultimate in healing of my self-deprecatory behavior.

Because Bill illuminated my own wrong thinking, which helped me to remain stuck and unproductive, I was able to take myself from a standstill and get myself moving, setting the stage for a bit more work tomorrow and prepping the terrain for hitting the ground running on Monday, taking full advantage of the inertia initiated this week.

I am feeling upbeat for the first time in weeks, and I'm also feeling that I am able to follow phoenixdeux's advice to let go of the end results expectations of my relationship with my XW and to really work at seeing her for who she is, my EX-wife. Right now, my focus is on digging myself out of the hole that I've dug for myself and as my friend Wil keeps telling me, I need to stop being a crutch for XW and focus on helping myself get squared away and on solid ground again, because I'm not really much use to anyone right now, including myself. So, that's where I am. I'll DB as best I can when I am in my XW's presence by presenting my authentic self, a strong, independent, caring man who understands that his present situation is temporary, but who I am in God is permanent. As the saying goes, "Let go and let God."

Hey there, SH -
Brain injury (even just concussions) increases your risk for depression. Depression, in my opinion, often leads to affairs (because that dopamine "high" of infatuation temporarily relieves the depression).

If parts of your brain aren't working quite as well as they ought, it is IMPERATIVE that you keep regular hours, get a good night's sleep every night, eat properly, avoid all alcohol.

Also, know that sometimes brain injury can result in pituitary hormone deficiencies, leading to low growth hormone, or low testosterone, or low thyroid. Ask your doctor for blood tests to rule this out.

My husband had 6 concussions in 8 years - but he thinks I am the reason he's unhappy. Grrrrrr....

Ellie

Hi Ellie,

Thanks for reading my thread and thanks for offering your perspective and experience with concussions. I'm sorry to hear about your husbands concussions and the resulting changes in his perspective. You appear to have learned a great deal about brain injuries up close and personal.

My injury was extremely severe. Other than my brain, my only physical damage was a fractured left cheekbone and orbit, leaving a 3-inch, thin scar running from my eyebrow to the top of my cheek. Luckily, it's barely noticeable unless you're really looking for it. My XW told me that when I was in the first hospital, they wouldn't even give a percentage chance that I was going to make it out of my coma and couldn't even speculate on what I'd be if I did, so I'm extremely fortunate and thankful that I've healed as well as I have, but I also think that my healing has given me a false sense of how well I've healed.

My double whammy is that during my healing process I was a real combative jerk to my W and my D. I honestly don't even remember much of this. I was tested by a psychologist and my Traumatic Brain Injury doctor for an entire day of questions and answers. I received the results a few weeks later and was diagnosed with a bi-polar disorder, which is a mood disorder that can have seriously detrimental effects on the afflicted and his/her family. One of the common characteristics of manic episodes is affairs. I also had a persistent low-grade depression that I characterized as BLAH!. How are you doing, Tom? I'd say, Fine, but what I really meant was BLAH! Last year I got my medication in the correct dosage so the BLAHs are gone.

Now, I know that my body helped make messing up easier for me, but I know that I am the one who made the choices. Being a Christian man, I know that I am forgiven, but I spent way too much time beating myself up over something that I cannot undo, much as I wish I could. Last week, my pastor told me that self-deprecating behavior is simply pride run amok. I looked back and said to myself, why didn't I stop that? Why didn't I make different choices? Why wasn't I simply a better man? All of those are the wrong questions. Now I pray for Jesus to walk with me and reveal His will to me so I will be able to adopt His will as mine.

I do believe that my injury and my brain chemistry imbalance paved my path with uneven cobblestones, and I didn't navigate them on my own well at all. Well, I'm still me and I am learning about my capabilities as time goes by. I will look to the Lord to heal me and lead me to make better decision and choices. I am in the valley now, and I lean on Him now more than ever because I know that the challenges in my life today are temporary, who I am is permanent.

JOURNALING:

I just need a reminder that it's not all about me when I think about XW and what she does and doesn't do. I know I haven't done anything new to evoke her behavior, but I also know that that fact doesn't stop her from being jerky towards me. I'm working on not taking it personally. She is a good woman even though she gets on a 'different' path at times. All of this will soon pass. My life will look brighter soon.

JOURNALING:

As I move deeper into my faith, I am seeing myself in a different light and, in a lot of ways, I'm not liking too many aspects of ME. I have always known what I've done to contribute to the demise of my marriage over time, and I've owned my 'stuff.' I'm talking more about what some of my brethren here on the DB board has told me, which is that I am controlling and full of myself and what I've done in my DB efforts. Of course I've done more than XW has. She hasn't wanted to reconcile or even consider it. As my friend told me in the beginning, she didn't divorce me to get back together with me. That was a sobering thought then, but not enough to keep my head on straight. I've spent far too much time grading her against my invisible scorecard, one which she didn't even know existed, and even if she did, she wouldn't have cared. The fact that she and I have been living in two mutually exclusive spheres makes the fact that we've had as much positive interaction as we've had miraculous. What's even more miraculous is that I haven't made her close the door completely and for good on any hope of reconciliation, however remote that chance is. At this point, the one thing I am doing is demanding that she treat me with respect and be considerate when she is dealing with me. Phoenixdeux is absolutely correct. I need to let her go. See her as my EX-wife. Move forward as though our reconciliation will likely never happen. If she should come back and express a desire to reconcile, I will deal with that then, because I plan to keep myself open to that possibility. We'll see. In the meantime, I'll spend time showing and being the best me possible, because that makes me feel better about me and about life. Additionally, I have some mandatory things that I need to NOT allow myself to be distracted from so, one foot in front of the other.

Tom... are you alright? You are not living in "tent city", right?

Hello there, Flicka Love,

I am fine. Thanks for asking. Just been doing required stuff, plus my son has been sick for over a week. I think he simply has a bad cold, but XW thinks it's something else. We're taking him to urgent care this evening to see which of us is correct. We'll see.

The past two weeks I've spent a good deal of time with XW and our children so, it's all good errr...basically the same as it ever was. I'm focusing on me and what I need to be doing. I've had two interviews in the last two weeks, but no offers. I'll keep pluggin' along because (1) I'm not employed yet, and (2) no one is knocking on m forehead to tell me that they understand that I am the fabulous new person they are looking for to fill a business need.

Thanks for checkin in with me. I'll go back to posting more regularly, but since not much is happening, they'll be mini-posts.

Is your little feller feeling better? Did he have something more going on?

Tom, I am glad you had interviews. These are troubled times and persistence is needed. You seem more calm. I bet you are doing well with your family. It seems W is accepting the situation and appreciating your help.

Could you free-lance doing apartment refurbishing? You could start your own business sub-contracting those kinds of services... I heard someone on the radio telling how she did that. I am certain that you are a good manager, but I know you are a hard worker and could do it all.

Keep the faith.

Hopeful Husband, AKA, as Tom, Slightly Hopeful. How are you? I never dreamed that I would be longing for one of your too wordy descriptions of your world and your eccentric relationship with wifey.

Tom, you are pretty good. You are so protective of your children. You are, right?

I am wondering whether you are 'straight'? Are you getting through all this 'intimacy' and 'dependency' crud without resorting to Corona Light? Are you?

Love,
Flicka

Easy there, Flicka, my love. My handle is STILL, not slightly hopeful.

I'm good. My children are still beautiful and perfect, and yes, I am still very protective of them.

I am 'straight', in every sense of the word. I am working my way through my 'intimacy' and 'dependency' crud without self-medicating in any way. I'm not much of a drinker since XW and I split, so that hasn't been a problem...got crowded out by all of me other coping issues, I guess. Heh.

Sunday was my 43rd birthday and I spent the majority of the day with my prince and princess. Absolutely wonderful way to enjoy my birthday. Last night, I spent with them again, and XW some when she returned from work. You mad me laugh the other day when you said:

Quote:

You have a better relationship, day to day, with your chosen wife than I have with my H.

Eccentric our relationship IS, but we both have individual quirks to work through before we'll be able to work on reconciling and strengthening our relationship/marriage. Most importantly though, I know that we still have the sliver of hope shining in on the darkness of the past 3 years because I haven't given up; because I've DBed in my less-than-orthodox way. I've had every opportunity to kill my DB efforts and any hope of reconciling for over 3 years with a W/XW who told me from day 1 that NO hope for reconciliation existed.

We haven't moved markedly from where we were in the beginning, but she no longer tells me that we have NO hope of reconciling. We spend time together, which most people don't understand, having a good time and enjoying each others company. Since I'm not wealthy, our relationship would be characterized more as crazy than eccentric. What I get to do is show her that I'm a changed and changing man whenever I am afforded the opportunity to be with her. So, I put forth my best effort to be the better man that I've been working to become, and I know she sees; she watches everything that I do and notices even the slightest changes.

I love my XW. I very much want to have the opportunity to reconcile, but I am keeping my emotional cool and not acting needy, which is true because I don't need to reconcile with her; I want to. In the meantime, I will watch out for and over my children and be the best father that I am able to be in this less than ideal time of all of our lives.

How's that for verbosity, dearest Flicka. $\:\)$ And remember, STILL hopeful, not slightly hopeful. Quit pokin' at me. I haven't changed my goal. Just going at it from a little different tack. I can see the end zone now, but it's still a long way off.

Hello,

It's been over a week since my last post and my personal life hasn't changed much. My children are still beautiful and perfect. I'm still searching for employment. My sitch is mostly the same, but I decided to take some action because, after 3 years of living my life in pause, I needed to move forward.

During the past 3 years, I feel like I've given a one-sided view of my situation; as though I'm not getting 'anything' from my XW and the situation I've chosen to continue to engage in. I've had some friends recently open my eyes to a different vantage point from which to view my present and ongoing situation with my XW. One of those, was the thought that I was being disrespectful in my desire for and pursuit of reconciliation with XW, because I didn't honor her clean, demonstrable, and definitive decision to end everything though her unmistakable, clear decision to file for, pursue, and obtain a divorce from me. I was asked to be open to the possibility that what I have been doing hasn't been a act of love for her, but a desire for control; over my life, over this situation and over her. I've given that a great deal of thought and I can see that there is certainly an element of a desire for control in all of my actions. That I can't deny, but I love my wife dearly and very much wish to have the opportunity to make our troubled relationship right. I don't know. I've been stuck for so long.

As far as my XW goes, she has allowed me to stay close to her which met my need. She is mostly kind and encouraged to me. She shows me and tells me that she loves me. My issue is that I've been so focused on my end goal, that I'm dissatisfied with everything short of reaching it, instead of celebrating the fact that I still see a ray of hope. Sadly though, I often wonder (although I don't really wonder) if the only one seeing any hope is me.

I've come to the conclusion that I needed to do something, both demonstrable and definitive, to get myself moving out of the valley in which I've chosen to set up camp, rather than journey through. In choosing to be stuck in my situation with XW, I've inadvertently chosen to be stuck everywhere in my life. THAT has been the reason that I decided to TAKE ACTION.

On Saturday, I made the decision to have THE 'R' TALK with XW, because I'm no longer afraid of an answer that I may not like. Part of my issue is that I didn't respect her answer when she divorced me. Another part is that because I didn't respect her answer and remained in her life in the capacity in which I have, she hasn't been able to move forward in a real and definitive sense. What hasn't helped my mental state is that we have had numerous conversations about our feelings, but not really having the "R" discussion, and those conversation directly kept me firmly rooted in our sitch which I rationally do NOT want; at least don't want permanently, anyway. I also decided that THE TALK needed to be face-to-face, and without the possibility of the children interrupting. On Sunday, I went to her house after I attended church because XW said she needed to go into work. I was excited to go and see my S3, so I went there with my own added bonus of meeting my need to 'take care of' her needs. More on that in a bit. I arrived at her invitation, thinking she was going to head out (the purpose of my visit). Well, she, in fact, didn't head out. She stayed in bed not feeling well, and I took care of her needs again. She never really did get out of bed, and I didn't force the THE TALK on her, but I did ask her if we could talk the next evening when the children were down for the night, and she agreed without asking what it was all about.

Monday evening, we did get a chance to talk and I was definitive in what I said to her. I told her that I loved her and I wanted to be with her. I told her I couldn't imagine living my life without her and very much wanted the opportunity to reconcile our relationship and be able to remarry and move forward together. I told her that I had been living my life in pause, hoping for some positive movement between us. Mostly she just sat and listened and quietly cried. When she did respond, she began by making counterpoints of what about all that she'd gone through? I responded by validating her thoughts and feelings. I continued on that I needed to move forward because I had reached a fork in the road in my life, but they both involved moving forward. I told her that I want to move forward with her in a closer and more substantial capacity in my life than she has been, but if she couldn't/wouldn't, that I'll be moving forward regardless. No real response, except to make it clear that she either doesn't have the ability to forgive me and let go of the hurt/harm or she has not desire to do so. I told her that by no giving me a decision, she was giving me her decision. She insisted she wasn't. She also said, "You don't have the power, in this situation." As I made my way to leave, I shook my head gently and said, "You'll see the power I do have", and I left.

Tuesday evening, she and I were together again, as I picked up our children from school for her. When she got there, we spoke a little and she asked me, "Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?" I said yes, thank you for talking to me last night and I'm REALLY sad. She went out front, and when I followed I told her that I had to go.She asked me, sounding surprised, you're leaving? I said, yeah I gotta go and took off. Her surprise, I'm sure, was because in recent past, I'd always jumped at the opportunity to be in her presence. *****I do not want to hurt her. I just know that I need to safeguard my heart.*****

Wednesday I received a call to pick up our children again. My pattern has been to do her whatever favor she asks of me. She needed to work late again last night. I didn't bother her by calling but finally did call her to check on her at 11:20pm. She arrived back about 12:30am. XW said she needed to go back in to work at 6:30am and asked me to stay (on the couch). I thought about it and decided that I should go. Sadly, I was so tired, I turned off my alarm and woke up 45 minutes after I was supposed to be there. THAT makes me sad. I hate failing in a task, especially when I committed to doing something for her. I tried to reach her by phone, but couldn't and sent an e-mail apology instead. Since I hate leaving a message or sending an e-mail apology, I've continued to try to reach her by phone. I received a response to my email which said to please stop calling because she wouldn't be available 'til the end of the day. More sadness.

Anyway, I've recently had light shed on the possibility that XW calls me for needs as her way to keep me connected; so I won't disconnect and go away. And I eat up her 'need' for me because it satisfies my need to feel needed by her and connected to her. Pretty much all of our interaction is unhealthy for BOTH of us. I don't KNOW what the right answers are in my situation, but I do know what I FEEL. I feel like I want and need to reconcile with my wife, but I am seriously confused about the reasons as to WHY? Is it simply control? Is it about my need to win. Is it about my need to be right and prove others wrong? I don't know, and I need to know.

That's why I had THE TALK with XW, although we've talked every day since then. I know I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have. I know I want us both to be happy. I know I need to move myself forward mentally, to get out of my valley campground.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts offered.

Something I've learned, as I begin letting go and moving forward is that I'm not finding any immediate relief from my beginning movements. I do trust though, that the fact that I have started moving, and intend to continue moving forward, will eventually bring me to a please of peace, satisfaction, fulfillment, happiness, and yes, even love, that would never have come had I simply stayed in my stagnant state.

I don't know if my decision to force movement in my situation is going to bring about positive and productive change in my sitch, but I am confident it be be positive and productive because I've made the decision to value myself and my life, and to live it ACTIVELY as the leading man, rather than PASSIVELY as a background extra. Time will tell. My decision making has kept things alive in my sitch thus far, albeit barely, so I hope that this decision brings about reconciliation after three years.

I'm finally on board with what Phoenixdeux advised awhile back, to let go and look at my XW as my EX-wife. I'm finally able to do this because I'm not afraid of what seems to be the likely end of my run. Either way, I know I deserve love and happiness together, and I haven't had that in a long, long time.

I have the same problem. And I'm in the same place. Letting go of CONTROL of another person. It's hard when it's the way you've lived your life.

Frank,

I am certainly with you there, my good brother. It's a journey and my talks with you have helped me to realize that I am where I still am because this is exactly where I've wanted and chosen to be. THAT realization alone is helpful in moving to a new place of NOT blame-shifting onto my XW, but it's no less painful than not knowing that truth.

It's a process of which I'm NOT in control. My only hope for control ('command' is a better word here) is over my own emotions and perceptions over what has already happened, what IS happening, and what my vision for MY future with my children is.

I read so many posts here and I see my story told in so many ways on the different threads. The common themes that I identify with are the three key elements for a successful marriage, that are REQUIRED from and in both partners, that were missing in my marriage, which are: 1) an undying commitment to make the marriage successfully last; 2) regular, open communication about ALL important marital issues, positive, neutral, and negative; and 3) complete honesty, wrapped in tact, thoughtfulness and love.

But hey, those are just the thoughts of a man who's learned a ton from his mistakes, failed marriage, and broken family. Take it for what it's worth. I've been in the valley for three long years and I know that I want and deserve better. I want and deserve the love of a compatible, nurturing partner. I am stiving to be the man that God intended me to be, even before the first day. Goodspeed to me, my XW and mine while I climb the mountain of God.

Dear SH....I read your post and find it a powerful one indeed. There is nothing I can add here as you seem to have a good handle on what is going on. To a newbie here, the letter would be seen as a wonderful expression of love and standing. In some ways, it is still pursuit and pressure. But...I am not criticizing you.

I think that you waited....and picked an appropriate time to take a risk...a last chance attempt to recover what you had. Sadly, many of our W's who make that decision simply cannot turn that 'off'. Whether it be pride, losing face or just long-term hurt....they hold onto that decision. Try to forgive yourself for whatever ills you blame yourself for and release any self-blame or self-victimization.

In the midst of a nasty divorce, I may not be the right person to be posting advice here. I can say that there are many times that I wonder...wonder...what would happen if tried your route one more time...but...I have....many times over and over and met the same obstacles.

Only you can know what is best for you. From the tone and content of your letter, it sounds as if it is time to totally let go and try to regain some semblance of a normal life. It is time to enjoy living again. I WILL say though, that, in so doing, I think it is your best chance at reconciling with her. At this point, she would have to find out on her own that she is going to lose forever..that man...who wrote that letter above. Whatever happens, you'll be OK. Find some solace in knowing that the content of your heart.....is overflowing.

Stay strong and know that...even where I am today...I become better and stronger by reading the efforts of men such as yourself.

G-d bless.

FIB

fib,

Thank you for your kind words and emotional support. It saddens me that so many people, myself included, are so bad at picking suitable partners and marriage.

I've been told all along, and recently by some friends, that I'll know when it's time to let go and that won't be until the pain exceeds the 'benefit' I recieve from doing this all MY way.

I am getting stronger, as evidenced by my willingness to have the R talk with XW for the first time after three years. I realize that three years isn't a long time for some here, but it's been long enough for me. I gather that reaching that willingness, and exposing myself to the seemingly inevitalbe end of my sitch, IS a step forward for me, and yet, despite that effort, I haven't moved a whole heck of a lot emotionally.

I'll re-iterate what I've come to believe, courtesy of my good friend, which is that XW may not be capable of letting go of her harmed feelings nor desirous of doing so. And where does that leave me and us if she's broken in such a debilitating way and either doesn't recognize it OR does and simply doesn't see it as an issue in need of her attention and repair? In pain and sadness that will subside in time. I understand that only I control my attitude and am responsible for marching purposefully towards being happy, healthy and whole.

I do know that throughout all of my sitch, I've seen MY issues as being in need of both my attention and repair/improvement. I've done that and continue to do so. THAT effort is my gift to me and my children. I get to keep my improvements regardless of what our endgame turns out to be. Should we NOT reconcile, I am confident that I'll grow to accept and heal what IS and she'll lament her unwillingness and/or inability to move through her feelings of hurt/harm to re-build our intimate relationship which is both savable and worthy of being saved. THAT will be a sad time for both of us, but I will be able to look in the mirror and recieve solace from knowing I did everything I could to save US.

Thanks to you, fib, for taking the time to extend yourself to another brother here. Be strong. Do right. Know that you are not alone. Others here cheer your efforts, tanacity and desires, and there are tons here who don't post. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.

The greatest gift that this gives you SH...is ...clarity. Believe me, I walk the same path you do. Over time here, I truly believe in what Dr. Gray of Venus Mars fame says. He states that the hope of reconciliation is really a form of denial and....that TRUE reconciliation can't really occur until the relationship is ended and completely restarted anew.

I believe that. Sadly, I also believe that when we DO get to this point, it's after years of healing and growth,and, the WAS realizing that the person you married WAS the right choice.

I don't know for sure.

I do know that it takes GREAT courage to make that final personal goodbye. It comes from a place within that, we,as men, hardly ever let anyone get close enough to see. It's a closely guarded place that many of us only allow ONE woman get into. It's barricaded with concrete and barbed wire on the outside...lined with porcelain on the inside.

I understand.

The woman that I created life with.....changed...and it won't be easy to make that final departure. You'll heal. The decision on when to start that final path is yours to make. Sounds like it's here and now.

If you want to see courage, I recommend that you find 'trapt' on the boards here. Go to his current thread and read pages 17-19. I think you'll understand when you read that.

Chin up. You are not alone and you'll be OK.
FIB

Last posted on 4/7/09.

Someone else has a topic on this board that is "What the heck is wrong with me?" I'm thinking the same thing about me. My issue is really about me only, and not my XW. What the heck is wrong with me that I'm still stuck?

I've been told that I'll let go when the pain of hanging on exceeds whatever it is I'm getting from hanging on. I tell you, I even surprise myself at what a glutton for punishment and a doormat I've become in my sitch.

Chronicle of the last 6 months or so. Lost my job. Haven't been able to find gainful employment since. THAT blow really eats at my sense of self worth. On February 3rd, I was ina car accident because I ran a read light. I don't recall being distracted, but apparently I was. Luckily, I wasn't injured, nor was my son, but the young lady whom I pulled in front of crushed her little care and badly broke her leg. I've moved out of my place and in with a friend, as a stop-gap to moving back to my home town and in with my parents, so I would be able to be closer to my children (and yes, closer to XW, sadly). So, at present, I don't have a place to call my own. I didn't carry collision insurance (liability only) due to cost, and now I'm without a vehicle also.

I've been moving sideways for 3+ years now, deluding myself into thinking I've been doing the right thing and I've come to realize that the ONLY person I've been doing right by is my XW. This week, D8 is on spring break and I've been with her and S3, at my XW's house because I have no car to get them back and forth and my present 'home' isn't conducive to having them there.

So...I've spent this week at XW's house taking care of my children. On Tuesday evening, XW gets ill. She is so ill she can't go into work for two days. Today, she sleeps late, gets up, goes in and then calls me to tell me she's going out to dinner with one of her male staff. I don't say anything except fine. At 2:00am, she rolls in and asks me if I had just called her. I told her I had and what I said. She proceeds to tell me that she brought her male staff member home with her and was going to take him to his car in the AM and that she's going into work tomorrow. I just looked at her and said, "You don't owe me any explanation. Do what you're gonna do." She kept trying to make nice with me and I'm just done. She took this guy to her BR to sleep. Mind you, she's NOT my wife, and she owes me nothing, but I'm done. Tonight was the final nail in the coffin of my hope, as miniscule as it was. I had previously told her that hanging out with her male staff was a bad idea from a management standpoint, and in light of the fact that she's been with this company less than two months. But what do I know. She is who she is and I deserve both happiness and to be loved in return and THAT's not gonna happen in this relationship.

As my friend Wilbert's been telling me for ages, I MUST take care of me first or I'm worthless to everyone. Well, I've reached that state of being. I'm going home tomorrow. I may be moving back to my parent's to sort out my job and a car situation. Clearly, I was wrong in clinging to my hope to reconcile. I suppose that I can just chalk this up to the fact that WE ran our course, and it didn't work out for US. That's sad, but that does seem to be the fact of my life.

The worst part of all of this is that I'm going to miss my children terribly for a short while, but this is just a chapter in my life, that I WILL stop re-reading, hoping for a different result. I heard a sermon recently,

Quote:

"Don't EVER put a question mark where God has put a period. When something is over and done, let it go and move on to the next chapter in your life. It may be bitter, but God has another indredient (for my life). There's something in my future that will turn the sour into sweet."

THAT has been my choice pattern...any punctuation except a period. THAT's my life and my choice at this point. My move. I haven't been able to move onto my new chapter of redemption because I've been stuck, addicted to the old chapter of pain and control and suffering.

It seems that I've reached my limit for punishment from XW that I can willingly endure. It also seems that she hasn't reached her limit on how much she can dish out. Please, if anyone has ANY words of encouragement for me to continue on, I'm all ears. I pray. I do what I believe is right. I'm honest with people. I'm good to people. I don't get it other than this must be a chapter of my life in need of closing.

To my friend faithisbelieving, thank you for your encouragement. I do know that I'll be OK. I'm a good man who's made mistakes and learned from them. I'm an excellent father who's fallen down in the job market and can't seem to get on his feet. I'm feeling like a failure in those two areas: 1) marriage and 2) providing. On top of everything else, my stamina to continue taking what I take from XW is at its lowest point. I'm weak. I know that phoenixdeux is right that letting go it my only chance to reconcile, but at this point, after tonight, I see XW has no ability to forgive and move forward with me AND/OR she is not desirous of doing so. In addition to all of HER decisions/actions, I, for the first time, am seriously doubting that she is someone that I want to be with after 3+ years of consistently hurtful behavior towards me. But I have myself to thank and blame for that, as I am the one who taught her what treatment from her that I'm willing to accept. Either way, my only real 'choice' is to let go, and let God. Maybe this has all been His way to burn away all of my obstacles to Him and purify me to receive Him wholly. I know that faith is all about trusting God when I don't understand things, and I don't understand my situation with my XW at all.

I'm simply incredibly sad and broken over all of this. I suppose I could have been through all of this right away if I hadn't decided that we were worth reconciling and saving as a married couple. I'm grasping at straws here. There hasn't been anything firm here all along except XW getting her needs met thru me. I feel like such a sucker and a dummy. Is that what I am?

Being in the same house...and your XW bringing a man in...in front of you...says it all. Stop hurting yourself and chuck the fear.

Get one more book....a set of CDS...Psychocybernetics. I have it. Start reprogramming yourself to succeed.
FIB

I have the book. Only about 4 Chapters in. Will read it all this weekend.

Nice Easter, huh? Thanks, FIB.

Strangely enough, I don't lack for female attention, I've just been stuck on controlling the outome of my sitch. I suppose that I'll need to shelve my mantra of, "I just don't have the emotional currency to be in a relationship." Mmmmm, could be.

So, FIB, what gets you up so early on a Saturday?

I got called to the ER...appendicitis..and I am waiting for the case to go.

We get duped into thinking that we can save our M's, when, in fact, our very appearance here means that we are in the deepest doodoo R's. FIB

Happy Easter everyone.

Journaling, April 12, 2009

Hello FIB and everyone else who happens upon my ramblings:

More clarity from what happens in my life. Today, sleeps in late from her late night out with her employee/'friend'. Her brother comes over and I don't pay too much attention to him because, quite frankly, I don't know the parameters of their brother/sister relationship since I don't live there. Regardless, XBiL plays around with my children and ends up with my D8 in XW's closet rummaging through her over-the-counter meds and prescriptions. I ask D8 what they're doing and D8 tells me that she's getting her uncle some Tylenol. I don't really think much of it, but thought it kind of strange that he came over and right away needs Tylenol. Shortly, I tell D8 that her mac-n-cheese is ready. XW asks me to get everyone out of her BR and I do. D8 comes down to the kitchen to eat. I ask D8 where Uncle is, and she tells me that he's smoking. That piqued my interest and I went and checked on him, but he was already gone. XW gets up shortly and looks for her purse, but it's nowhere to be found. XW suspects that Uncle took it, so she calls him but no answer.

XW asks me if I would go with her and our children to Uncle's place and I did. We get there and he's not there, but we spot him driving and turn around. XW parks in front of Uncle and I stay in the car until XW motions for me to come out. She tells me that he admits to taking her purse and refuses to give it back. She's beside herself and asks me to retrieve the purse. I knock on the door and Uncle talks loudly through the front window, eventually coming out and threatening to attack me. Not wanting to be in a fight with him, I retreat. XW asks me what she should do and I tell her to call the Sheriff, so she does, but not before placing calls to both her mother and younger sister. No answers. After talking with the dispatcher, XW tells me that she wants me to go in and get the purse physically. I tell her that I would not and that I wasn't going to jail for her or anyone else for that matter. (I related this episode to my friend who is a child advocate attorney and she was appalled that XW would encourage and urge this behavior/interaction in front of our children.) She tells me to just let him hit me so the Deputies would take Uncle in. I again told her that I'm not willing to go to jail for her.

Two Deputies show up and they discuss the situation with XW. They retrieve the purse and XW, the children and I leave. XW then leaves to go to work, and brings back her employee/'friend' to change the locks on the house. I'm polite and clearly uncomfortable with her lack of respect for me bringing her 'interest' around me but, as she said, it IS her house.

Lotta talking. Excuse me... but this is therapeutic for resurrecting the new me on Easter Sunday. I thinks it's appropriate.

ME: Is there something you need to tell me?
HER: No, like what?
ME: Are you dating DH#5? Is that your intention?
HER: Well, it's not decided.
ME: I want to get out of here.
HER: Well, if you can't be respectful of me and my guest, then fine, just leave.
ME: I've been respectful of your guest, the children and I'd just rather not be around you. Makes me sad.
ME: Besides, I've been over here when you've had male 'friends' spend the night and they spent the night on the couch. That wasn't the case last night. What, are you just f--k buddies?
HER: NO!
ME: Doesn't he work for you?
HER: Yes.
ME: Look, I don't care who you f*ck, but I will tell you this, you cannot make a bigger mistake than f*cking your employee.
HER: No one even suspects anything.
ME: Trust me. They KNOW. ALL of them. (I've already had this discussion a week ago about hanging out with him, but she apparently wants to learn the hard way; she craves that male attention 'fix', doesn't matter who, sometimes even from me.) And if she doesn't know already, your boss will soon know, too. (She now works for a very close-knit, family-oriented business. Should all go over real well.) I gotta get out of her. Thanks for helping me to see everything so clearly through your actions last night and today. I appreciate.

XW takes me to my place.
HER: Do you have anything that you want to talk about?
ME: Nope. I said everything I needed to say both today and the other night. I've done everything I can do to work towards an attempt at reconciliation.
HER: Well, I've been badly hurt, and you just can't erase years of THAT in just a year or two ('course it's been 3). I don't want to go through that again.
ME: Yep, you've made that clear. THAT's what forgiveness is all about. Your holding onto all of it so tightly You clearly want' anyone except ME! Makes me really sad, because in my heart of hearts, I know we could have made our marriage what we both always wanted it to be from the beginning. I'll miss you.
HER: I'll miss you, too. I'm losing my best friend.
ME: I don't believe you. I've watched too much. And, I'm not your friend.
HER: You're not my friend?
ME: No. I told you that from DAY 1. NO room in that stable with all of your ex-boyfriends that you keep around. I'm not willing to be your 2nd boyfriend or 2nd husband and do the work while you share your bed and give your affection to someone else. Too painful.
HER: I'm really sad for you.
ME: Don't be. I know I deserve both happiness and to be loved in return and THAT hasn't happened with you in a long time. I only wish I had moved on so much sooner, like you did, because I'd be through all of this hurt already. Do you even know why I've held myself in 'pause' for three years for you?
HER: NO. I never asked you to. But, I'm not through. I'm not finished (with our relationship). I don't know what the future holds for me.
ME: Well, the good news is, you now have one LESS option to concern yourself with. I know that you future holds for me, ; happiness and love in return. The good news for me is that I've watched you and experienced all of this up close. You told me the other day that you would be devastated if I divorced you emotionally right now; totally devastated. I didn't believe you then, and I don't believe it now. Your actions bring clarity. Thank you.
HER: Well, don't talk to me about DH#5. You're living with your GF.
ME: No, I'm not. We sorted this all out a long time ago, BEFORE I ever decided to move in. I told her that MY feelings hadn't changed and weren't likely to do so. We'd be able to help each other out. Mutually beneficial. This was my last resort; my last local opportunity to stay near the children and you and to help you out as much as I could.
HER: No, it's not. She's in love with you, and you still....
ME: Yes, it IS my last option and NO, I don't. I made that clear before I ever decided on moving in. (This woman is going thru her fourth bout with cancer and is currently going thru chemotherapy treatment every 3 weeks. She's weak and I help her out as much as possible. Twenty masses removed from her abdomen in February. Am I getting something out of this? Yes. We both get something out of this set up.) I was offered this opportunity to remain near you and the kids 3-4 months before I accepted, and I didn't accept until AFTER everything else fell through. Believe what you want. You do anyway.
ME: You know, you still haven't stopped so you can think, feel, heal and deal. So you can forgive me and we'd possibly have the opportunity to work on reconciling. I believe you either don't know HOW to forgive, let go and move forward with me OR it's simply that you don't desire to do so. Running may just be easier. Either way, the end result is still the same, now isn't it?
HER: I may never stop.
ME: You may not, but I can tell you this. I'm exhausted from pursuing you. I'm a good man...with flaws, yes, but a good man. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy, and I'm going to make that happen. I'm sorry I failed you as a husband, I truly am. I'm really sad about all this.

We parted ways. I'm sad, but I said what I needed to say. I've done what I've needed to do. My conscience is clear. I've repented my sins. I've prayed for guidance and the clarity of His will to be evident to me. I've apologized to her repeatedly. I've improved myself. I've deepened my faith. I've done all that I can do, except let go, as Phoenixdeux advised. I've reached that point. I had the 'R' conversations I feared having; feared because I didn't want to hear and accept what I knew likely was my truth. Well, our first conversation was my first giant step and tonight was my second in the direction of letting go and healing. I hope that after today, the remaining steps will be smaller and hurt less as I hopefully take advantage of my own inertia and keep myself moving along in the right direction. Time will tell, but for now, I need to walk the walk; instead of just talking the talk. I need to not cave in to my desires to see my children, knowing I'm also incredibly drawn to her presence. It's all clear now. I've been told that when I really let go, much of the pain goes away. That's been my past experience.

So, here I am. Working on letting go, as Phoenix said:

Quote:

Letting go doesn't mean it's over...it just means you quit pining away and start to look at her as your EX wife. I've been where you are. I'm remarried to her, so I know there is hope...but it was just being open to possibility of reconciliation, without actually expecting it, that was more helpful.

More apt words I have not run across. I will live my life acting "As If...", understanding that future in this situation is made brighter simply by my willingness to get unstuck; to move; to take action.

I need all of the encouragement you all have to offer; not to give up, but to live as though I've let go with the intention opf letting go and outward actions of having let go. Regardless of the final outcome of my sitch, I know that Phoenixdeux's direction again of:

Quote:

Just keep a positive attitude. If it doesn't happen with your wife then you did what you could. If I were you, I'd tell your wife the truth.

I would frame it this way though: "I know it probably doesn't change anything with us, except to make it worse, but I need to have a fresh start at life and do things right from this point forward."

is sound. I did all of this, and as of right now, it didn't change anything nor make things worse, necessarily, but it did add clarity to my already murky situation.

Well, I've rambled on long enough about my journey, not to end my 'marriage' with my XW, but to find clarity and direction in moving forward in His direction, to make His will my reality; to move forward in the way that is best for me, XW, and our two beautiful and perfect children. Open to all who have a thought, preferably positive, to assist me in thinking, feeling, healing and dealing in my situation.

You are the man. Good stuff

Thank you, my good friend Frank.

I don't know if I'm THE man, but I've come to accept and affirm that I am, indeed, a GOOD man. I'm learning to communicate better, in general, from my interactions with you. I miss our more direct communications. I always gain so much from them.

I hope my message finds you and your girls well.

Journaling:

Vented my spleen tonight to a newly rekindled friendship from 25 years ago. Felt healing. Felt accepted. Felt affirmed. Felt un-judged. Felt loved as a friend.

How We Love

Don't get thrown by the sub heading. It will apply to ANY future relationship. Beware - it will challenge you.

N.

So, you feel this would be useful reading alone for future relationships also.?

Absolutely. It explores the 'imprint' we received while growing up in our own families and how we carry that with us into all our future relationships. It not only applies to current relationships, but will give you insight to how your parents raised you, and also how you can avoid some of the pitfalls as you 'imprint' your own children as they grow. It can be extended so much further than just within marriage. You have not doubt heard of the 'Love languages', well these authors promote the 'Love styles'.

I think the authors chose a target area of marriage for the focus of the book, maybe they thought "How We Love" by itself might be a bit too ambiguous.

Enter the book title dot com and you can get an idea of their ministry.

N.

Thank you, 4kids. I went there to check it out. I gotta fix me for me and my children. Everyone else is waaaaay after that.

JOURNALING:

Keeping my distance from XW. I'm pleasant, but exit any contact with her quickly and politely. Big downside to that is that my present day struggles keep me away from my children also, which I try to mitigate by calling them in the mornings and before bed. Doing what I AM ABLE to do. Focusing on me for now, because without sorting myself out, I'm of no use to anyone, including my children.

Closing this chapter is painful, but I know the new chapters of my life will be much happier and fulfilling. I look forward to living that out, rather than re-reading the same chapter and expecting it to all end differently. All is can work on now is to make a different and better me.

SH...you're doing the right thing. Powerful stuff indeed. Any woman who would lead a man in ..in front of you...any man...that would walk by you....and do that....UGH. It just gives me the heebie jeebies.

You must stay your course now lest you look like man that can't keep his word. You DO deserve to be loved. Hey..when you swim in a cesspool you begin to stink. You need to get out and wash yourself off. Again....I believe...the only way to reconcile a relationship is to grieve it's loss and move on. I believe Dr. Gray...that it is impossible to reconcile until the M is totally dissolved and, if possible, is rebuilt from scratch. THAT...of course...can take years.

Good stuff indeed. I'm still growing by reading this.

FIB

FIB,

Thank you, kind sir. Your interest and support helps me heal. Knowing that I'm not the only one with a failed or failing marriage is comforting as I KNOW healing will come and life will be better regardless of the ultimate outcome of my sitch.

Letting go is both difficult and a process. It's difficult to change the inertia of my inaccurately pointed vessel, the U.S.S. Tom, but I do realize that being pointed in the wrong direction by even one degree leads to a HUGE error in where I will ultimately arrive without auto-corrections along the way. NOW, is a big correction. Painful.

And yes, XW's choices in my presence are inappropriate and flat out wrong, but for her, perhaps they served her purpose to push me away; to force me to stand my ground and show what is completely unacceptable to ME. I do know that I've continued to show her what I will find acceptable by continuing to stick around waiting for whatever scraps she drops, although not necessarily for me so much as for her.

Yes, I must keep my word, not like I have NOT in the past. Yep, even I was getting tired of the stink of the cesspool invading my pores. Washing off.

Reading Men Are From Mars... now. Thanks.

Keep learning and offering your perspectives. I'm learning every day too.

First off...it's time you stop using the word 'failure'. Erase the word. The marriage changed....two people grew apart....someone had issues that made a long term commitment impossible....one or both CHOSE THE WRONG PERSON TO MARRY.

No SH...this is not a failure. It is a lesson in life. Whatever happened in Fall '05 was probably a wrong choice....an error. Your spouse was incapable of forgiving. This is a lesson.

Whatever happened back then...as my guru would say...you were working with 'the tools you had at the time'. There is nothing you can do to change this now. The gift you get is experience, understanding and most importantly 'clarity'.

It's a lesson in life...not a failure. Psychocybernetics will tell you that if you use words like failure...if you say I don't want to fail instead of I will succeed...that you WILL fail over time.

FIB

Quote:

"Upon deciding, be quick to act."
- Maximilien Robespierre

Some gaps in the road can seem too broad for leaping. But if we can't get across them, we're stuck. All forward motion comes to a halt, and the journey toward self-realization is over. One of these gaps is the cavern that stands between decision and action.

After making a decision, a person is different. Whether you have decided to stay or leave, start or stop, risk or conserve, you have opted for change. Mentally, you have already done it. To fail to act on a well-considered decision is to invite confusion, double messages, and emotional chaos. With the loss of will, integrity is also lost.

Sometimes, because we're afraid to act, we won't even admit that, deep down, we've already made a decision. Perhaps, for example, we've completely withdrawn our spirits from a hated job or a dead marriage. By denying that we've already pulled out, we deny our own truth. This denial not only devastates our self-esteem, but it widens the gap between where we are now and our next destination. Sooner or later we're going to have to take the leap. Why not sooner?

Affirmation: Once made, an important decision will
cause me grief until I act on it.

God bless you, my friend. Thank you for your time and thoughtfulness.

JOURNALING:

Well my fellow DBers,

I've finally reached the point where I need to do what Phoenixdeux advised me to do months ago:

Quote:

I've finally reached a point where I truly do need to let go and let God. If we are to be, it will be because both she and I improved ourselves individually and want more than anything to be a married couple again. It won't be because of my professed 'love' for XW, which, it seems is a form of manipulation and control over her that I sought, but no longer.

This weekend, I jumped out of the frying pan in which I chose to dwell for 3+ years and into the fire. After last weekend's debacle of time spent with XW, being disrespectfully introduced to her employee/'as-of-yet-still-undecided' boyfriend, I responded to another plea for 'help' from XW because, of course I wanted to and also because I came the conclusion that I needed just one last kick in the teeth to 'seal the deal' and let go. I absolutely KNEW it was coming and I purposely put myself in front of that run away train engine (XW) and because I needed for the pain to reach my threshold of EXCEEDING whatever 'benefit' I was seeking and receiving from all of this turmoil.

I'm trying to figure out if the root cause is a single issue or a mishmash of still unresolved issues. It could be my fear of failure, fear of success, fear of happiness, fear of worthiness, badly beaten self-esteem, control issues, desire to be right, desire to prove EVERYONE wrong against all evidence and odds, desire to impose MY will over God's will, unwillingness to quit because I wished stop inflicting any further damage on my children because of our broken family....

Anyway, XW called on TH evening and said that she needed me to help her with our children on Friday evening. Her phone died and she ended up just showing up at my place to take me back with her. I was wary of putting myself in the same spot again after her stunt last weekend, but I did it anyway. TH evening was fine. Cordial. The next day, I dropped her off at work and spent the day with our S3 doing laundry, dishes, shopping, picking up prescriptions, etc. At 6:30, XW called me to tell me that she was going out with the girls after work and would get dropped off back at the house (RED FLAG). Now, the premise of my needing to be with our children is that she needed to work late. I didn't put too much thought into it and said, OK, asking her what time she expected to return. She said around 10pm and if she was going to be much later, she'd call and let me know. NP.

At 10:30, she texted me with, 'Patroling..." I texted back, "In English, please...!" No response. At 11:06, I texted again, "No idea what you meant by 'patroling.' Are you coming back here tonight? If so, approx when?" No response still. At 11:30, I looked out front and she was parked out front in Joe's car. I tooka deep breath and didn't let my disappointment get the better of me. Around midnight, still no text response from her, she came in to use the bathroom. S3 happened to be up because he fell asleep at 6:30pm and I thought he'd sleep through the night, but he didn't. When Erica came in the first time, she kissed on Jacob and I didn't say a word. She went back out telling me, "Don't lock the door. I'll be right back in. An hour later she came in with Joe in tow. Joe went to the bathroom and I could tell she'd been drinking and was in a combative mood. She asked me to tell her the truth about why Jacob was still up and said what I bad dad I was.

ME: Erica, you're not in the truth telling space.
HER: What?
ME: You lied to me about why you needed me here tonight. You said it was because you had to work late...
HER: <interrupting> Which I did.
ME: ...and then you were going to go out with the GIRLS and call me if you were going to be late. You sent me a one word text that meant nothing to me. Told me nothing. And then you came home with your boyfriend. Bad move. Bad decision after last weekend.
HER: Well, I did patrol around the complex. Me, two of my girls, and Joe. (I'm thinking, ri-i-i-i-i-ight, you freaking liar. Stop!>
ME: OK, then you went out with the girls. How is it that you are being brought home by Joe?
HER: He met up with us.
ME: Really, in a town this big, you just 'happened upon' each other? My guess is that you, the girls, or Joe decided to meet up and you jumped at the opportunity. You know, you didn't have to come back tonight to SHOW me.
HER: Joe's just a friend, a co-worker (he's her freakin' employee!)....
ME: NO. He's the guy that you still hadn't decided whether you were going to start dating yet. You told me that last week, and then you bring him back in front of me again when I'm doing YOU a favor. I'm not your babysitting/date service. Had you told me the truth, up front, I would have opted out, but you didn't. You lied. That's wrong. That's disrespectful. That is behavior that I won't tolerate.
HER: I don't owe you anything. This is my house. You're not my husband.
ME: Actually, you do owe me one thing, and that's the truth when I ask you a question.

[JOE'S BEEN IN THE BATHROOM THIS WHOLE TIME, and EMERGES]

ME: Why don't you tend to your 'friend.

He and I exchanged pleasantries on his way both in and out. He's not my problem. She creates issues that don't need to be created. She could have avoided all of this, however I do understand that I chose to be at her house to be subjected to yet another selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed display of "It's ALL about ME!" I also realize that I not only chose to be there, I let it get to me. Despite staying calm, I did speak up and express my thoughts about her disrespectful behavior towards me. I'm learning, but I need to make better gut-level decisions. I think I've learned enough though.

After Joe left, she came back in and started in attack mode that Jacob was awake because, as usual, she didn't ask even ONE question about why. MUCH more effective line of communication to make assumptions and go on attack mode. The last time I saw this BS from her, in the presence of another 'good friend' was at Jacob's 3rd birthday party in front of a small party crowd, while Abby sat to her left and Jacob sat on her lap, accusing me of having an affair with our ex-neighbor (NO truth to that attack).

One last bit of hurtful sniping she did throw in was that, by moving to my brother's soon, I'm abandoning her and our children. I told her I'm not abandoning my children. I need to move as a short-term step to achieve of my long-range goal of sorting out my life, getting on my feet, and moving forward in a positive, productive way. My BF, Wil, told me two things, that from his perspective are probably evident to everyone around me: 1) XW is only concerned about me moving temporarily because she won't have the 'hook' in me to take care of HER needs when she wants; and 2) she's shown that she's a skank (his word choice); showed it before she and I got together and is continuing on in that vein after our split. I know my family, especially my sisters, would agree. I'm haven't reached the name calling place, but he behavior has been purposely hurtful and atrocious. If she wants to do what she's doing, there's a less 'in-your-face' way of meeting her own needs. But apparently, it works for her. Being on the receiving end doesn't work for me anymore.

During this escapade, I can't put any more into trying to gain her affection and forgiveness. On my way to being dropped on on Friday night/Saturday morning, I told her, "I get that your still hurt. I understand that you haven't been able to forgive. What I do know is that the pain will fade, forgiveness will come and you will be stuck with the reality of your ongoing, purposefully hurtful behavior towards me. You'll have to reconcile that." She's stuck and I know I need to leave her in the valley and find my own way out. I stood my ground and remained calm, but if I had it to do over again, I'd have never given her another chance to make better behavioral decisions because she hadn't earned another opportunity and behaved right in-step with her destructive patterns. Since I chose to participate, I wished I'd have let it lie until morning, and had the talk then after her booze had worn off some. Regardless, my one true regret isn't so much speaking up, it was speaking up in front of Jacob. Bad choices on my part.

I'm done. I can't keep the connection going that I've craved for whatever reason (control? being right? winning at all costs?). I must let go and this most recent kick in the teeth from her is my last straw. I know I needed for her to do this so that I could honestly say that I'd done all that I could do to fix broken marriage, after the fact, but it's a done deal. I see God's PERIOD at the end of this chapter and trying to replace it with my QUESTION MARK only serves to NOT accept God's will and keep old wounds open and unhealed. I knew it was all likely to come down the way it did. I wasn't surprised, but I think I agreed because I needed that one more emphatic PERIOD to end this chapter of my life for good. She delivered. I wasn't surprised, but I was extremely disappointed and sad. I'm still sad. Mostly, I'm sad that I needed HER to DO one more thing for me to turn off my feelings for her that weren't serving me, instead of simply making the decision on my own. Again, I'm learning.

I know that I've held myself in 'pause' mode for over 3 years and the time has come to GO; to hit play and LIVE! I'm doing that now, but I'm fearful of letting go of the pain because emotional pain, for me, has been my constant and strangely comforting companion for a long time now. But today is a new day now, isn't it?

I'm sending her an e-mail today to propose a plan to limit our communication and the regular challenges that have become a part of it all. We'll see how she responds. My proposal is simply an interim step to get myself back on my feet financial and emotionally. I don't control her, but I'm hopeful that she'll agree to the temporary agreement of my having D8 and S3 every other weekend. Wish me luck, say a prayer, whatever. I need all of the positive energy I can muster to move forward and heal myself and my children and make a workable co-parenting relationship with my XW.

Please, tell me your thoughts.

JOURNALING:

And now IT begins in earnest....

Yesterday, I received a call from my D8, very sad and upset that Mommy took it upon herself to deliver not-so-good news that Daddy was needing to move away with Uncle M for a little while. She was more upset and concerned that XW took it upon herself to tell D8 that Daddy wouldn't be taking her to her Father-Daughter dance next Sunday, and that, if necessary, Mommy would take her or have Uncle E take her. D8 has already had plenty of emotional upset over our S and subsequent D, compounded by my struggles to find suitable employment, my recent move 2 months ago, and automobile accident. I would have much preferred to deliver the correct information to D8 myself to because I would have told her that I WILL be taking her to her dance. I would also have had the opportunity to tell her about my impending necessary move and been able to re-assure that she is loved and safe and that I will do everything within my power to see her every other weekend and whichever additional times I'm able to work out. I'd also tell her that I'll be working very hard during this short term solution to my long term goals to bring it's temporary nature to a close and be living closer to her with more regular contact like before.

Yesterday, I sent a proposal, by e-mail, to XW with a plan I worked out for going forward and asked her to get back to me with her thoughts, concerns and considerations ASAP. I asked what time I could have D8 to talk with her face-to-face to re-assure her that I love her and that everything was going to be fine during, and after this temporary, rough patch. No response. Today, I called to ask the same question on her cell, house, and sent a text message. No answer. No response. Finally, she sends me a text message that she was taking the kids to church with Joe. I texted back my response of, great, what time can I have D8 today? No response. I called back and XW answered this time. I asked her the same thing. She responded by...well, we're going to church, you can see her there.
ME: I could, but it's going to take longer than a couple of minutes. When can have her to talk face-to-face with her for a while.
XW: I don't know. After church she has a birthday party to go to, and then it'll be in the afternoon....
ME: That's fine. What time can I have her?
XW: Well, I don't know....
ME: Listen, I have a right to be with my children. What time will fit in your schedule and work for you? <click>

I let it go for a half hour and then I called back. No answer. I left a message. "Look, it looks like we got disconnected, but I still need to know what time I can have D8 to talk with her TODAY. You have my phone number. You can call me or text me." As of right now, no response. I will absolutely attribute this new found boldness and willingness to be non-responsive to her new 'co-worker/friend/as-yet-to-be-decided BF/DH#5' (employee) Joe. It'll all be interesting to watch from afar as this, like all of her other DH relationships have all blown up, as this one will. It's most sad, though, that this dolt is her employee. A minefield that will blow up the relationship long before they do it themselves. Regardless, none of that is any of my concern. My relationship with my daughter and son is. So...I now tread gently into the waters of asserting my rights to have physical access to and communication with my children, as I have both joint physical and joint legal custody of them. That along with severely limiting my contact with XW to the bare essentials of communication concerning the needs of our children.

Wish me well. I am letting go and it's scary. 'Things' are going to go less smoothly as I continue to emotionally detach from XW and assert my rights, as opposed to what she'll allow. I have even more motivation to get my act together now. Can't wallow in fear and self-pity. I have to get this all sorted out now for myself and my children.

Send positive thoughts and prayers my way, if you would.

JOURNALING:

Made the decision to call again much later this afternoon to reach my D8 and have our time together face-to-face. I won't badger XW, but I will be persistently assertive to have that time. In the meantime, I'll keep my mind occupied with activities that I control.

Tom, I am with you in spirit and I am not a pray-er, but I will try for you. I need you to keep your self respect and also to be practical. I am sorry that you are living in a nightmare.

If you stay calm and keep remembering your best self you will wake up. I am thankful for your brother right now. Help him as well as you can and keep distancing yourself from XW.

Your kids love you and will understand if you are not with them day to day for awhile. Just do what it takes to survive in a healthy way. Ex-Wifey is self destructing. It will fast forward if you stop taking up the slack. {I am supposing E needs to flat-line before she recovers... she is running crazy wild.} Where is her mother? MIL used to mitigate things ...

I am sorry you are suffering. Stop making it worse with your thoughts. Consider taking a crappy job, any job. Give it dignity and do it well.

Love,
Flicka

Hello Flicka Love,

Thank you for all of your kind words and positive energy.

Well today, I finally got a call back from XW about 3:50pm, asking me what I planned to do with D8. I told her, well, since I'm just NOW getting a call back, and didn't know what was convenient for you, I hadn't planned anything. Our last call dropped (she hung up on me) before I got an answer from you, and this is the first time we've since talked.
E: Well, I told you that you could pick her up at 4:00.
ME: No, you said you were going to church and then D8 had a birthday to attend. I said, OK, what time would work for you then, and the call disconnected.
E: Are you picking her up? Are you doing something else?
ME: Well, I want to see her and talk with her fact-to-face so, yah, I'll be over shortly.

I went over and saw D8. S3 was inside, so we talked outside the front door. I carried her and talked to her. It was needed and very nice. I re-assured her that everything was going to be fine and that I loved her. I re-assured her that Daddy would get everything sorted out soon and we would have more and more regular contact again soon. XW was in her bed 'sleeping', so S3 was inside watching TV. D8 went inside to grab my blue tooth earpiece and I spent time with both of them in the front and back yards and a little in the house. S3 was bouncing on the family trampoline naked, so I had to dress him so he, D8, and I could go out front and ride bicycles/electric motorcycles. When I took S3 inside to dress him, XW barked at me to come and talk to her. I did. She said she wanted to sleep for 20 more minutes and then I could go. I said OK, turned and walked away. S3, D8 and I all had so much fun. After about 20 minutes, XW came out and I said my goodbyes to D8 and S3 and left. As I was driving away, both D8&S3 came towards me and wanted to talk more. I stopped and talked with them a bit and started to drive away. D8 was ahead of me on her bike and wanted me to stop again and talk, so I did. S3 saw us and rode his electric Harley-Davidson motorcycle down near us. XW walked down to get S3 and walked away and I drove off.

I had sent XW a proposed interim visitation and communication agreement while I'm not living in the area. I thought it looked fair and workable, but I received a nasty response, telling me what I horrible man I am and how horribly I treat her and D8&S3. It's so sad that she chooses to be so stuck in the past and either can't, or has no desire to, let the past go. Part of her letter read: "Your coming to my house to visit the children is no longer accepted due to your recent behavior towards me, my guest and our children." Ummm, I always treat her, her 'guest' and my children with respect. She's mad that I won't sign off on her decisions to parade her "good friend/co-worker/employee/'still-hasn't-been-decided" boyfriend in front of me and have me tell her it's all OK. It's not. I expect her to treat me with respect and she refuses because she feels most comfortable holding on to her ill will towards me and wearing HER wronged martyr feelings like a great, but well-worn, outfit.

She continues, "Weilding to your demading phone calls is not OK either. They are asked to call you every morning and evening. If they choose to not do that, then so be it. Your harassing phone calls severly bother them and me and needs to stop. I do not want to deal with you any more. Unless you get what you want from me, you are mean, spteful, hateful, rude, controlling and as always abusive towards me in every way." I have always called my children in the mornings to say good morning and in the evenings to say good night. Tha't always been the case. Recently, I was late making morning calls to D8 3 days in a row and D8 was so sad. I told her that I'd make sure I didn't miss her in the mornings again. This routine was established long ago to grow and nurture my bond with D8&S3 in the beginning and over time. The only one this routine bothers (harasses, according to XW) XW, and XW doesn't have to do any more than hand the phone to them. I have never requested that my children call me. I have generally always made that call. Remaining in contact with me is MY responsibility. Impeding my contact with my children is apparently Erica's joy. It's like XW's off the deep end with regard to me and I go out of my way to AVOID disputes and upsets with her, yet XW is constantly trying to start fights/confrontations/disagreement, but I simply don't engage.

The only thing I want from XW, at this point, is access to my children to talk with them and see them as agreed, so they will have regular access to their father. That seems to be too much. If NOTHING is currently happening, and I happen to have been in the same zip code, she makes the up the craziest versions of her alternate reality. The most recent BS was her telling D8 that I wouldn't be taking D8 to the Father/Daughter Dance on Sunday. No need to talk to me or verify the veracity of that hurtful statement to your 8-year old, just spit it out (hoping to look like the good/loving parent) and hope that your actions turn out to be true so she can be the saving grace. XW actually told D8 that she and/or her sister's husband, Eric, would take D8 to the dance. D8 loves her uncle but also told me, in no uncertain terms, that she absolutely did NOT want to go to the dance with Eric because he's mean (he plays too hard with them and the get hurt feelings). Nice job though, XW, knowing how your daughter is going to feel to your entire story/solution. XW just does sh*t and deals with the aftermath later by blame-shifting onto me with our 8-year old and 3-year old. VERY loving, thoughtful and responsible, don't you think?

I am still going to be moving soon, and I'll assert my rights as I'm able to claim them logistically. XW is being difficult because she feels what she's doing is right, I understand that and I pray that XW's hurts and ill feelings will fade and she'd start dealing in the reality of what IS, instead of choosing to focus on water long passed under the bridge. It must be difficult for her to be stuck in her feelings of being mistreated and abused. I do go out of my way to NOT react to her crappy behavior and words directed at me, but on occasion, in the last 2 years, I have stood up more often in an assertive and kind way, but stood up nonetheless. Movement brings clarity, and I'm finally starting to see what my counselor told me 3 years ago."You're not in love with XW. You're in love with your ideal of a marriage and your ideal of a wife, and you never had either here." I didn't want to own that because I wasn't ready to let go and heal then; just finally arriving there now. I've always viewed both her and my marriage though my rose colored glasses of seeing all of the potential/possibilities and ignoring what I've seen and experienced with her. I haven't been the sharpest tool in the shed where it comes to XW and our marriage. We were able to make 2 beautiful and perfect children together though, so I will simply avert my focus away from XW and solely onto myself and my children. I know that everything is going to become better than before and I need to focus my energy on the future and being a victor and not a victim. I will have a better and stronger relationship with D8 and S3. I will have the same with XW, only it'll be different because I, with God, will change our communication and interaction pattern by learning to be the authentic man of God that He always intended me to be before the first day. This mantra was given to me by my good friend, Tamara (now paraphrased):

"I give myself permission to release myself...from expectations that don't serve me well...and historical behavior that I no longer choose. Today is a brand new day. New thoughts, new friends, new life."

Again, movement and ACTION bring clarity. I'm making decisions today that will create my destiny.

In closing, XW is self-destructing before my eyes. It saddens me that it's taken me this long to figure it all out, but my sole focus now is getting back on my feet financially and making my new home for S8&D3.

I am living a nightmare. My friend, Tamara, is a child advocate attorney for the county courts and has told me that XW's behavior is 'classic' addict behavior. I wish I knew what that was to map it all out myself, but she's expert in the field.

My talk today with S8&D3 were healing and loving. I'm so happy I was able to hug them, explain and re-assure them that everything was going to be fine and would all be settled down soon.

Quote:

Your kids love you and will understand if you are not with them day to day for awhile. Just do what it takes to survive in a healthy way. Ex-Wifey is self destructing. It will fast forward if you stop taking up the slack. {I am supposing E needs to flat-line before she recovers... she is running crazy wild.} Where is her mother? MIL used to mitigate things ...

I know they will understand, and our talk and spending time together amidst all of XW's crazy making was critically important. What's even more important is getting myself on stable ground so if and when XW does 'flatline' I'll be prepared to take up the necessary slack. MIL did use to mitigate XW's erratic and wild behavior, but XW now has a new job away from mom with employees she can have as 'yet-to-be-decided' boy toys. She's gonna crash. Trying not to focus on her. Focus on myself is what I'm doing now. Ex-MIL is basically out of the picture living her life and watching from afar.

I am suffering. i will change my thinking and continue working to get out of this hole. I will find something to do to generate an income and save money to get back on my feet financially and put my life back in order for me and my children. Thank you.

'Til next journaling.

JOURALING:

I look forward to an end to all of the lingering animosity, and a calm that will positively affect our children. My whole situation, XW included, is in my daily prayers of gratitude and healing.

JOURNALING:

Called D8 on her way to school this morning to tell her to have a good day. No interactions with XW. I'm grateful that XW allowed that. Good sign. Start of a new day in my new life journey.

JOURNALING:

Called D8 & S3 to say goodnight. Letting it go at that. Sent XW a text asking her to tell them I called and that I love them and asking her to kiss them goodnight from me.

I won't make any additional calls. Don't want XW to be able to misconstrue my 3+ year pattern of 'touching' my children by phone as harassing(<-- her lovely term, conjured up with the arrival of my impending temporary move to my brother's house and her new DH#5).

As I said yesterday,

Quote:

And now IT begins in earnest....

This is new water for me, so I'll tread lightly and plot my course purposefully and focus on myself, D8&S3. Regardless of the outcome of my sitch, the three of us will all come out much better than when we started this journey.

JOURNALING:

I've reached a point in my sitch, and even more importantly my life, that I'm considering ALL view points of myself and my behavior over the past 3+ years. I'd like to think that my version of reality is 100% correct, but that's most likely not the case. I'd like to believe that XW's version of reality is 100% incorrect and that also is most likely not the case. The truism is that TRUTH lies somewhere in between. I am really praying to Jesus to assist me in seeing my part in all that went wrong. I know that nothing can be undone, but everything can be healed, and I desire that no matter the outcome.

I'm arriving at a decision (again) about my living situation and I'm leaning towards NOT moving out of the area just yet. As my confusion and stubbornness is lifted, I recognize that I haven't utilized my abilities to their fullest potential. I haven't exhausted all of my resources not my resourcefulness. I haven't prayed long enough, hard enough, and specifically enough yet. I am not ready to throw in the towel and run away like a quitter or a wimp. I have fight left in me and I darn near decided that my fight for myself, my children, my life, my stability, my work, my self-esteem, my sense of manhood is right where I am now and running away is surrendering and THAT option is no longer on the table. There, I made a decision with all you supporting me to do what is right in the long run, not only what feels more comfortable in the short run.

'Til next time.

Quote:

HER: I don't owe you anything. This is my house. You're not my husband.
ME: Actually, you do owe me one thing, and that's the truth when I ask you a question.

SH...you need to extricate yourself. You need to stop being a doormat. You need to say goodbye and get on with your life. She owe's you nothing outside of co-parenting with you.

Are you in counselling?

Google David Cunningham at makingherhappydotcom and pay for a one hour session with him.

FIB

Quote:

SH...you need to extricate yourself. You need to stop being a doormat. You need to say goodbye and get on with your life. She owe's you nothing outside of co-parenting with you.

I agree. Working to do so as I type this. It's difficult that after 3+ misguided and fruitless years of doing this MY way I'm right back where I started, but a 'little' wiser, and a lot further in letting go. I'm clear that what frank_D told me ages ago is true.

Quote:

I have to divorce myself emotionally from my 'old' XW. That R is dead.

I'm healing and moving on. I'm, for the first time, letting go in a real sense. I am moving in the direction of finding my own emotional stability away from XW. And I know you are right, she DOESN'T owe me anything. Just because I feel I owe truth to her, those are my feelings about me, which have no bearing on her feelings and behavior about herself.

Life moves on and I am now focusing on myself and my children. I know that I'll sort out my life and improve everything for me and mine.

Part of that, is to move to my brother's house for 2-3 weeks (to start) to get my head cleared and back on straight and crystallize my path toward healing and redemption. Lastly, I will initiate the steps toward making my vision my reality. On my way. It all feels brand new, but it is. I'm doing it now though.

JOURNALING:

Quote:

And now IT begins in earnest....

Yes it does.

More recent challenges in my situation. Finding new employment is STEP ONE. XW has been making reaching my children more difficult in her passive-aggressive way. I will continue being consistent and assertive in reaching my children and I will NOT react to her crazy making. Everything is happening in writing now. Need to gather information for when the 'stuff' hits the fan. It will.

My child-advocate attorney friend says that based on XW's past addiction problems and current chosen behavior, the pattern she is displaying is that of a current addict. She encourages me to get all of my efforts up to 'warp' speed so that I will be in position to, at a minimum, be able to get my children back to our more stable circumstances together.

Should you find the time, I'm gladly accepting all prayers and positive thoughts for me to get focused, stay focused, and be productive. Thank you.

SH...is she violating anything written into your D agreement? What is your visitation schedule?

I would move rapidly to drop this and move on with your life. Although the initial letter that you wrote was moving...and powerful...the follow-ups show a pattern of codependency and neediness.

Move rapidly to regain your life...your composure and the feeling that only your W can love you. She is sleeping with other men. You are divorced. Let it go. Trust me...I understand your pain. I still live under the same roof with my W and my saga drags on. But...I get it. This has given me clarity. Try and seek the same.

FIB

FIB,

You wrote:

Quote:

SH...is she violating anything written into your D agreement? What is your visitation schedule?

She is not. My present circumstances are MY challenge. I am hopeful that she will not make asserting my parental rights legally necessary, but she may. At this point, I need to get back on my feet on financially, get my head on straight with regard to her (I've come a long way since our most recent interactions), and ALL of this will be facilitated by STEP ONE: maintaining a positive attitude and putting forth consistent, concerted productive effort towards finding new employment. I know I have 100% control over both of those aspects of my life and my journey.

Quote:

I would move rapidly to drop this and move on with your life. Although the initial letter that you wrote was moving...and powerful...the follow-ups show a pattern of codependency and neediness.

Unclear what you mean 'this.' To what are you referring that I should drop rapidly? If you are referring to my XW, I have let her go. It's actually much easier than I thought it would be, but upon simply making a decision, surprisingly, I've found it's not. Very strange for me to feel that way now after fearing it for over 3 years.

Quote:

Move rapidly to regain your life...your composure and the feeling that only your W can love you.

I am moving, however, not as rapidly as I'd like, but that is simply due to my present circumstances, NOT XW. My composure is stabilizing and I have come to understand again that I am attractive to women, I AM 'good enough', and I know other women absolutely WILL love me.

Quote:

She is sleeping with other men. You are divorced. Let it go.

I know. Sadly, that's been more the rule rather than the exception in my sitch. I understand we're divorced, and I've accepted that fact. I've let it go; My baseless fear was unfounded. Reality is a lot less painful than I feared and my best years are ahead of me. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be with a woman who will love me in return.

My new mantra is 'movement brings clarity'. I am initiating movement. I am gaining clarity. Thank you for chiming in.

JOURNALING:

Today, I found out that XW's sister graduated from her RN program, and I was invited by my ex-MIL to attend the gathering, but I declined in deference to XW. I re-thought my decision and got pissed at myself for deciding based on what I 'thought' XW would feel, instead of my desire to congratulate XW's sister in her accomplishment and see my children. This all happened in an instant, because it all came crashing over me that I need to make my decision about my life based on me and my children only, not on XW. I called ex-MIL and left a message for her that I had changed my mind and would, in fact, be coming to the celebration because I wanted to congratulate her daughter and more importantly, I wanted to see my children. This was the first time in 3+ years that I actually made a decision based on what I wanted, without consideration for XW feelings and wants. I've finally reached a point where I simply don't care. I was invited and I went.

When I arrived, I said hello to guests as I entered, and saw XW out of the corner of my eye. I turned the other way and proceeded on in, greeting other guests and finding my children. I didn't pay attention to what XW was doing, but I was always consciously aware of her whereabouts because I purposely wanted to stay out of her near vicinity. Everything went along smoothly, and after a few hours I was at the food table and XW came over to me to ask if S3 had eaten. I told her no, but not to worry about it because I'd fix him a plate, and I did. The rest of the evening was great, as I talked with guests, the graduate and my children. When I was ready to leave, I said my goodbyes and made my way to XW. I stood there and waited for a break in her conversation and I just stood there, smiled and waved.
XW: Oh, hello.
ME: No, it's not, "Oh, hello", it's Oh, goodbye.
XW: Oh, you're leaving?
ME: Yep, I gotta get going. Take care.

I just turned and walked away. The exchange was polite, and it was over in a flash. No drama. I did what I set out to do, and I got in and out without incident.

Today was the first time I made a decision without regard to what I thought or feared XW's feeling/reaction would be. I didn't care, plus I wasn't doing anything TO her. I didn't even care if XW brought 'flavor-of-the-month' to the party. I wasn't there for her. I felt strong enough to deal with anything and everything today.

Tonight, I felt nothing when I saw XW. No pain, no animosity, nothing. XW came to the party alone. I wasn't concerned with what she was doing or who she might be doing it with. I just didn't care and that was a free feeling that I hadn't had previously. I wasn't rude. I enjoyed the party. I congratulated my ex-SIL. I spent time with my children. Plus, I interacted with XW as little as possible and even doing that was pleasant.

Today was a huge step in my road to reclaiming my manhood. I feel strong and happy, and this has all happened so fast and come about almost painlessly. It all started with making my decision and I'm making HUGE progress. Tomorrow is a new day, and I choose to be happy, confident and productive. The 'old' me is dead. My best days are ahead of me. I look forward to my future and living my life my way for me and my children.

JOURNALING:

Feeling great. Making progress. The whole world looks brighter. It's amazing what decision do for spurring action and getting unstuck.

JOURNALING:

It's great to feel positive movement in my emotions away from choices that no longer serve me. Today is another new, happy day... starting it off with my mind properly arranged for MY victory.

JOURNALING:

Today was another great day. That makes 4 days in a row that I've been happy. THAT is miraculous for me.

Today I went to my Sunday School class to lead my group of 3rd graders and it was very uplifting and healing to be around such you and energy. D8 didn't make it to church today, but I didn't take that on as something I needed to address with XW. I did end up seeing XW to pick up my children for an afternoon of fun. XW began trying to dictate exactly what time to bring our children back and I simply looked at her and said deadpan, "Uh, no, that doesn't work for me. I'll be here at X." I left it at that, even though I knew I'd bring them back around the time XW asked me to bring them. Since I was responding to XW deadpan and w/o reacting, she started acting out even more. She asked me for the key back to her house, and I quickly took it off of my key ring and walked it over to her. As I was handing it to her, I told her, "I can always gauge how pissed off you are at me by the status of 'the key.' Either I have it or I don't. All depends on your mood in the moment. I said this deadpan also. No emotion. I just laid it in her hand and she looked at me in a puzzled way. I simply turned and gathered up my children to leave. She even made a remark about being a full-time mom (because of my circumstnaces). I had given XW's sister (N) a Mother's Day card to give to D8, so that she could fill it out for herself and S3 to give to XW on Mother's Day. Today, I found out that D8 hadn't received it yet. After I dropped off my children to XW at XMiL's house, I called XW's sister to remind her to give the card to D8. XW answered the phone:

XW: Hello
ME: What are you doing answering N's phone?
XW: Why are you calling N?
ME: I'm calling her to discuss something that I don't want to discuss with you. May I please speak with her?
<I hear XW calling N to her phone>
N : <distant sound> Oh, I know what it's about.
ME: Hey N, if you would just take care of that, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.
N : No problem.

I don't let XW's shenanigans bother me any more. I find it hilarious that she's so hell bent on trying to run interference to keep me from trying to win over (XW's words) her family to my side. XW is truly incensed that her family doesn't hate my guts. It really bothers her that both her mother and her sister invite me to attend gatherings because XW believes they shouldn't. XW recently told me that it's not fair that her family treats me well and my family doesn't treat her the same. I didn't say anything, but THAT statement shows that she really doesn't own any of the sh*t she does. XW's behavior is the reason my family doesn't extend themselves to her. She's not welcomed because of nearly 10 years to consistently poor behavior.

I sooooo look forward to getting my circumstances straightened out for the stability it bring to my children's and my life. I am curious as to what XW will bitch and poke at me about when I am settled again soon. Nope, scratch that...I'm not curious. I really don't give a s--t! Every day, I get stronger in making decision based on what I want and what is best for my children. XW has rapidly become an afterthought, as my friend Doug said she needs to be. I am not only making those decisions, which is HUGE for me, but I am not feeling any negative feelings about what her possible reaction might be because I've simply reached a place in my life where, as long as I'm not purposely doing anything jerky to her, I don't care what her reaction. To use XW's phrase, "That's her s--t, not mine."

I AM a good man. I affirm this statement from my good friend:

Quote:

I release myself from expectations that don't serve me well, and historical behavior that I no longer choose. Today is a brand new day. New thoughts, new friends, new life.

I'm choosing everyday to arrange my mind in the right way...to be happy, to behave in accordance with who I already AM, a strong, loving, authentic man of God. Growth will always be with me. Healing continues at a brisk pace.

Did you move to your brother's house?

I did. I moved on Wednesday. It's a calming mood. I finally had to quit lying to myself as to why I felt it was so necessary to stay in the area. I kept saying it was about being with my children more, but I figured out it was about staying near XW so she could 'use' me more. I've finally broken free of the self-imposed mental shackles and it feels good. Everyone kept telling me it was as simple as making a decision and I just couldn't see it and I wouldn't do it out of fear. Amazingly, it was aa simple as making a decision to allow me to let go of my sick attachment to XW and there has been NO level of sadness or hurt. I attribute the lack of negative feelings now to the fact that I'd gone through so much pain and emotional trauma over 3+ years pursuing XW. It is what it is. I've finally let to emotionally and divorced her on my terms, and I'm emotionally free.

JOURNALING:

My recent move to my brother's house was good for me, in that I don't have any unspoken expectations of me that were only causing me needless grief.

Today, I went back to pick up more stuff from where XW's house, the last of it. When I got there, XW took the opporotunity to leave and do some stuff. I no longer listen to what she says she's gonna do because I've found that since we split she is a very adept liar, so...whatever she says she's going to do I just focus on spending time with my children.

Tonight, she went to work and the entire premise of me sticking around was so she could go in to work and she would be back at the 2 hour mark. Sh returned a little over 4 hours later, which was not so much a problem, but the fact that she was that late shows me again that she has no respect for me and my time. What's nice now, though, is that she no longer has a hold on me. I truly let go on April 23, and have had today is the 11th straight of happiness I've enjoyed. Things are moving along for me emotionally, so I have to get my a-- in gear and change my circumstances.

Tom, you did the right thing and I am sorry if it is difficult. You are so good with and for your kids. I don't know you, really, but your goodness shines through.

Focus on the job search. Try to make good differences for your brother. We need him to like you living there. Start a garden! I am garden obsessed and I want all of my friends to be as well.

No matter what, know that an oldish goofy girl in Wisconsin appreciates you very much.

Love,
Flicka

Flicka my love,

Thank you so much for your kindness now and all along my sitch. You have been such an anchor for me emotionally and a compass for pointing myself in the right direction. Thank you. You've helped me more than you can possibly imagine in getting unstuck and moving forward alone in my life. Strangely, the key for me was as simple as making a decision and behaving in accordance with that decision. My feelings quickly matched my behavior, and I am now free of my emotional bondage to XW. I also realize, with the help and encouragement of so many here (frank_D, Phoenixdeux, you, Amy C and countless others, that I absolutely needed to climb that mountain of letting go no matter how I feared doing so. I did the work to climb to the top and reach the cliff edge from which I needed to plunge my old, stuck self and give re-birth to the self that existed before my 'sitch.' I made the leap on TH April 23.

I got pissed at myself that, once again, I allowed my feelings for XW to override what I wanted to do. XW has been a picture of consistency in behaving as a woman that I would be unhappy with WHEN she finally comes around and asks to be given the opportunity to work on reconciling. I vividly remember telling myself, "I don't give a sh!t (about what XW would think). I don't give a <bleep> about what she'd think or feel. I want to be with D8 & S3, and this is a perfect opportunity to take care of me and my children, so I made the decision to go and went. That moment of clarity was my moment of emotionally divorcing XW. Now, we had congruency in being actually divorced and emotionally divorced. To top it all off, XW feels the shift in me. As it stands right now, I'm not interested in reconciling with her at all. It's going to be a sad day WHEN she comes to me wanting to reconcile. I told her this would happen, and it will. I also told XW that I wouldn't be emotionally available for that. She's done enough purposeful, pointed hurting of 3+ years. I will be respectful and I will show her grace, but in my heart of hearts, I don't think I'd be open to working on reconciling after all of the concerted she put into lashing out. We'll see, but I know my pattern...and that pattern is that I'm not likely to reconsider a decision I've made about ending a romantic relationship. We'll see. I do know that her ability to run from reality and dealing with her issues is more than my ability to pursue her any more.

'Til next time.

I will be a good house guest for my brother. No garden, though. $;\)$

SH:

Quote:

Scarcity mentality is a state of seeing everything in your life as limited and scarce. It makes you hang onto a bad relationship, bad job, etc., because a bad one is better than none at all, where an abundance mentality is a state of seeing everything as a journey to better and better things, knowing that you can create your opportunities and do what is necessary to reach your goals.

Take two people, one with a scarcity mentality and one with an abundance mentality, and give them ten thousand dollars. The one with scarcity mentality will live in fear of losing his money, and will most likely spend it on things that bring him no real value rather than risk losing it, or will never spend it and enjoy it because he's too busy keeping his options open to ever exercise one of them.

However, the one with the abundance mentality will see the opportunities that cash presents, and use it to make even more money, and will reach financial independence if he is diligent in the conduct of his business, or if someone manages to steal it from him or his market takes an unexpected turn against him, he will say, "Wow! Now I know how to do this right, and can protect myself from it next time. I'm going to raise capital and try it again!"

A lesser man might make it that far, but when faced with failure, have scarcity sneak in on him and cause him to decide, "Well, I'm just not cut out for this, and any business I start is going to fail, so I'm just going to not bother trying again."

That same thing happens in relationships. People take responsibility, have a great relationship for a while, things go sour for some unexpected reason, and in a fit of emotional weakness, they say, "Well, I had the wool pulled over my eyes, and relationships aren't worth it after all," instead of just acknowledging the reality that either they made a mistake or their partner did, or maybe even both of them, and sitting down to discuss it and making repairs to the relationship or exiting to find a better one.

Personal responsibility coincides with abundance mentality, and a lack of personal responsibility coincides with scarcity mentality. It's consistent, but is there a single cause-and-effect relationship, or does the door swing both ways, meaning, will taking personal responsibility induce an abundance mentality and will an abundance mentality also induce personal responsibility?

SH....have a look at that book? No More Mr. Nice Guy? FIB

Hello all,

I haven't been posting much lately because of the fact that I've finally put to use the advice of so many on this board, which is to let go of my marriage that's ended, let go of my XW who is my EX, not my wife, let go of my need to feel in control of my situation in which I've never been in control and to concentrate on myself and getting my life in order for me and my children. I'm doing that. Putting one foot in front of the other in an arena in which I have complete control over one aspect, which is my input or effort.

I never knew how easy my life would become once I took the step I feared most, which was letting go. I feared it most because I didn't want to lose someone who had already divorced me (strange as that my sound), despite the fact that I already knew logically what the likely end result would be. Well, on April 23, I made that leap of faith. A good friend of mine told me,

Quote:

It's not the letting go that's painful. It's the holding on.

That has certainly turned out to be true for me. I don't know what the future holds for me. I do know this though, letting go has given me a whole new perspective on the my life and my place in the world.

Thank you to frank_D for your friendship and time. I hope we will talk again soon.

Thank you to Phoenixdeux for your lucid and encouraging direction.

Thank you to faithisbelieving for your kindness and insight into who I AM & your thoughts on what patterns I need to shed.

FIB, I'm making good progress into the light of the abundance mentality. I look forward to reading No More Mr. Nice Guy soon.

SH....after being here for so long, all I can say is that it seems that those that reconcile or make it to piecing, are those that let go of the rope, 'say goodbye', and move on with their life.

Pursuit....seems to never work. Use this time now FOR U. And...I agree...holding on to someone who is in love with someone else....is a killer. Letting go is hardwork as well.

FIB

FIB,

Thank you for chiming in again. Hey, I'm not sure if I misstated my sitch somewhere along the way, but I may have led my fellow posters here to believe that XW is 'in love' with DH#5. She may be, but I don't believe she is. More importantly, I've let go and don't really care. I am working to sort out my life and I'm using this time for ME.

I will say that holding on to XW, who didn't want to be with me, was a killer, but I have no one to blame for that but myself. It's strange how I finally had an epiphany on April 23rd after XW paraded DH#5 in front of me twice. In all honesty, I believe that DH#5 likes men, but that's neither here nor there. I just got disgusted with myself for living my life FOR someone else, and making decisions for myself based on what someone else might think or feel about it. Once I made the decision, dealing with the aftermath has been easy. I've seen her three times since then and talked with her on the phone a couple of times for a couple of minutes, but the 'pull' is gone. I'm free of my self-imposed spell for her. I'm moving forward. I'm not holding onto my R with XW. I see that I'm in control of ALL of my life, including my love life. In the less than 3 weeks since I let go, I've had more interest in me from women than I ever imagined I'd have. It's a bit bizarre, but it's nice.

At this point, I don't even think about whether or not XW will come back around. I assume she will not, but in my heart of hearts I know she will. At that point (and as I feel right now), I will tell her that I love her, I'll thank her for our children, thank her for our time together and tell her, "No thank you." I really have let get and feel as I said I'd feel all along when I got to this point: DONE.

Thank you, my brother. I'll keep you posted.

Wishing you G-dspeed. Just ....live. As a physician, I see death frequently. I see the tears in the family's eyes. Life...is for living.

You'll be fine. Abundance mentality vs scarcity. The choice is clear.

Rock on.
FIB

Thank you again, faithisbelieving.

I enjoy our few communications very much. You are a very compassionate and wise man and I appreciate you taking the time with me offering your counsel when you do.

I am certainly working on living. Right now I have a small number of challenges to tackle, and although they are small in number, they are big in nature. Working my way through to the other side of my sitch with XW is certainly helping, but even that is a new beginning and I'm learning to focus on behaviors that will serve me well in MY life as I move forward.

One challenge with regard to XW is distancing myself from her toxic, not-so-nice behavior towards me. I ran into it a bit this weekend, and since I refuse to engage in a fight with here, I was able to avoid it all and let it pass. Sadly, the memory of similar BS made me anxious and sad. I know I'll get better at deflecting this kind of stuff as a continue to personally grow and emotionally distance myself from her. I'm doing it, but it's still a lingering annoyance.

I will be fine. Actually, I know I'll be better than fine. I loosed the chains on myself that I had placed on my during my sitch. I feel free. I am free. Without knowing any more about the abundance mentality vs. scarcity, my choice is clear; I choose abundance and happiness. I choose to rock on.

Thank you, FIB
Tom

No problem Tom. Pulling ourselves out of the quagmire and learning to enjoy life and believe in ourselves takes a bit of work. But..we can get there. It takes time. FIB

Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving

SH:

Quote:

SH....have a look at that book? No More Mr. Nice Guy? FIB

Love the quote. Can women read it too????? And StilHopeful...you may not recall me but I remember you and your name and some of the story. I recall your guilt ridden attitude and maybe that's part of why you held on longer. I totally see that b/c PARTLY you dont' want your kids to think it was solely that which caused the divorce and maybe now, it isn't even a big factor.

Yes you have come a long way. Interesting about your xw's feelings or resentment about the family's reactions. I do think IDEALLY both x family's would try to be sensitive and all that. Honestly, how are the kids helped by hostility from others in addition to their own parents?? Dang!!

Some in laws can handle it and some cannot. I am one of 9 kids, so there have of course been 5 divorces...very diff situations.

When my bil broke my oldest sister's heart AGAIN, I just had no use for him. If I saw him at a function I'd be very civil, he was certainly invited to any of his own kids functions, but he repeatedly cheated on her after 22 years and her putting him thru law school, he was a WAS, etc etc and so, no one "disowned" him but it's not as if we all liked his company WHEN they were married. (!!) He called ME once to have lunch just after the divorce, and I thought it was about a recon with my sister... and to this day I cannot tell if he was making a pass at me, or just wanted to shoot the breeze as if the good old days were still here, but he seemed to thinkmy sister's face had simply been erased in his family photo...?? WTH? NO, if you leave my sister in the poor house after all the crazy crap you put her thru and left her with 3 kid s in a state without alimony so she gets half the DEBT of your schooling but worked the whole time and yada yada, you get the picture. He used her, spat her out and moved in w/ OW #1...oh, for the record, he DID regret it big time and he DID tell my sister he was truly sorry and that he "got it" that he had "F-" up big time and when she asked him if he ever thought about the unconditional love she tried to give him, he said "I think about that everyday"...so some people do wake up. Alas, he was too late. She is remarried and much much happier. Others in my family feel the same-- It's like he's on a diff continent, and his yearly visits are fine...but ho hum...SEE YA!

CONTRAST TOTALLY the opposite, with my ex sil, whom my lovable but idiot MLC Brother left. He broke HER heart, and she and I and other sisters stay in touch, and sometimes vacation together and she and I speak more than my brother and I do. I told my brother I would not disown him at the time, but that I strongly thought he was making "the mistake of a lifetime" etc and all my sisters did. He's too proud to admit what HE SHOULD have learned by now...but who knows? He remarried a nice woman with almost zero expectations of him....what's that say? I mean he MAY be happier...he missed his only child's childhood for a JOB...geez, never mind.

The way our family treats the ex's is pretty kindly, but it does depend on WHY they divorced (and we're able to stay close to "both parties" and usually do) AND OR how the ex treats our sibling after the divorce.
2nd reason seems to matter most in the long run...if there are kids.

I have one sil who STILL HATES my younger brother (12 years later?) so much that her hatred has ALWAYS BEEN PARAMOUNT TO HER (Like FIB's w, I think) and that has been a hard thing b/c I made efforts to see my nieces when they first split but my x sil would tell ME in front of the girls that she 'hates" my brother. WTH am I supposed to do with that info? My visits there dropped off and soon I only saw them at my brother's when he had custody.

She sooo badly treated my younger brother AFTER their divorce (and it was a mutual div if I ever saw one) but SHE Chose not to see us much..contrast the other sil with whom we are all still close, and SHE was the LBSer but never bad mouthed my brother in front of their d, and that makes a HUGE diff.

(One note, my older brother - the MLC WAH, pays less support than he should, until recently. A lot less and I know what they both earned and he has made a fortune in real estate but only pays when HE thinks the ex w really needs it as he has "investments" to make....Maybe the past 2 years he's paid his share but in truth he "owes" for past lost support and if she wanted to, my ex sil could take him to court and say "pay up the $60k you forgot about when you "BORROWED MONEY FROM ME INTEREST FREE BY NOT PAYING ANYTHING AT ALL AND NOT TELLING ME UNTIL THE CHECKS BOUNCED, THAT YOU WERE "BORROWING" FROM ME, AGAIN......" but she doesn't. She NEVER took him to court for non payment. At least not yet. If she were not formerly m to my brother, I'd say take him to court so there are times I feel conflicted. She deserves the money and so does my niece. Maybe not MY battle?
It'd cause a lot of trouble forever with my brother who would line up everyone and twist things and only the girls would "get it" as the brothers are all terrifed their wives will leave them and take all they have, and blah blah blah....tiresome.

ANYHOW, it IS telling that your two families are reacting their ways but I also applaud your inlaws for their fairness and putting their grandchildren's comfort ahead of any desire for revenge. Your ex could have learned something from her own family that she somehow missed....oh well.
I hope NO ONE bad mouths the other spouse in front of the kids...on either side and it sounds like your inlaws don't, which is a real gift to you.

Congrats on the movement and clarity and I like your new mantra. Excellent and provocative. I may have to adopt it as my own (but will give you credit of course...)

(( j ))

Long time no post..what's new? FIB

25yearsmlc,

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, experiences and kind words.

Bringing you, and everyone, up to date, as of today. I'm coming up on 3 months of really letting go of my DBing pursuit and finally deciding to be happy in MY life. I've been on an interesting journey for the past (nearly) decade (8 years together, THEN 3+ years after split), as I have finally let go of my attachment to XW and am making definitive, if small, steps towards putting my psyche and self-esteem back together, after my time with XW.

I blame myself, not XW. I take full responsibility for my becoming self-destructively co-dependent over time, and then enduring that co-dependency unraveling over 38 months. THAT journey down the 'rabbit hole' snuck up on me and the quest out and up has been, and continues to be, a difficult and determined process of both redemption and self-preservation.

Since I've moved 75 miles away from XW (and D8 & S3), I haven't had much contact with XW, nor her family, but the contact I have had with my ex-in laws has always been cordial and nice. My contact with XW has been minimal, and the few times we have communicated, has too often been XW being difficult too often and me refusing to buy into her shenanigans. I'm getting stronger by the day, but climbing out of the hole and moving forward I've determined is a much more arduous task than I initially anticipated. I'm making progress, though. Let go and moving forward. I'll be better than before.

Separate note: in March, I came into contact with a female (TAP) HS classmate/friend through facebook after 25 years. Initially, I let her know all about my 'stuff' with XW, and added my other 'issues' from my past. I very much wanted to be friends with TAP again, and I knew that being open, honest and transparent with her was the only way that that would happen. After a while, TAP asked me, ideally, what I wanted to see happen as a resolution with XW. I told TAP that I wanted the opportunity to work on reconciling with my XW and we'd successfully re-marry. She asked me some pointed questions about what I had done to facilitate that end, and upon hearing 'not much', she encouraged me step up and tell XW what I wanted and let XW really decide, despite my fears of what I believed (from the beginning) was her likely and repeated answer.

I had a conversation with XW, again, and I received the answer I had anticipated from XW from Day 1. After that, AND XW's bringing her 'flavor-of-the-month' around me twice, I decided to attend my ex-SIL's graduation party to see my children and congratulate ex-SIL, let go of my thread of a hope to reconcile with XW and started my new life without XW.
All of this was on April 23, 2009. My first day of self-determined happiness, for no reason other than being happy for the sake of being happy.

Anyway, shortly after that date, I realized that I was open to actually exploring a relationship with TAP, making her the first woman that I was open to any kind of relationship with. My relationship with TAP has had it's own dips, as I've ventured into a new relationship as my new and improving me. Of course, some of those dips have been a direct result of still needing to deal with XW and TAP's lingering concerns about my feelings for XW that have not been permanently extinguished. I've assured her they have and that XW is not and will not be an issue for our relationship.

In closing, I'm feeling that this is not the proper forum for me to journal my 'travels' in my life, as this board is about Divorce Busting, not starting one's life anew with someone new. I am moving forward, and I have the clarity to know and accept that my XW made the decision to D me because she felt THAT path was the best path to resolve HER and our life issues. I want the best for some people in my life: me, XW, D8, S3 and TAP.

I look forward to my fellow Dber responses to my post. Wish me well in and pray for my moving forward quickly and well, in sorting out my life in a wise, efficient and productive way and in being happy, just for the sake of being happy.

I wish you all well.

fib,

Pleases read above, my good friend. I hope all is well, or at least improving, in your world. Let me know how it goes.

Sounds like you are doing well. You should post to 'Surviving the Big D' because then you give hope to others who got divorced.

frank_D..., my good friend!

I will post to Surviving the Big D. Thank you, Frank. How are you and your daughters? I hope well.

We are well. STBXW has been asking for 'stuff' from the house, and of course that I pay off our tax debts of $30k since it was my job to be the 'provider' even during my depression and stuff.

Well, ok. I can do that.

life goes on.

I agree with frank, SH..perhaps a brief period in the other section will help others and also get you going to better places. There are some that feel an obligation to hang around here and help others. Most, appropriately, close a door on the recent pain, and file it under "My Life History" and move on. Certainly, staying here for a prolonged period of time, IMO, keeps wounds open.

Dunno...personal choice.

I think you've made a right decision by letting go. Dr. Gray in his blue book says that the hope for reconciliation is a form of denial and that ANY broken R/M cannot reconcile without completely going to zero first.

Life is short...and there is no need to waste your time anymore. Let your XW enjoy Baskin and Robbins. Sooner or later...you run out of flavors.

FIB

fib,

Thank you, my friend. I have let go finally. The strange thing is that I lasted much longer working to control both my XW and the final outcome of my efforts. Additionally, I did know that I would be done when I was done, akin to flipping off a light switch. It was that easy when I finally reached the point when I actually could let go, I was and am done. The only remaining part of my prophesy yet to be fulfilled is XW letting me know she's ready to begin working on reconciling our R/M. I've already told her in the beginning that that WILL happen and that if she waited til I was done, that it would be HIGHLY unlikely that I'd reconsider my decision to let go after all this time. I know that I WILL NOT entertain that thought, and I will be kind and thoughtful when she does come back hoping for another opportunity. I'm just done. She'll never change, and I have and I am changing. Putting me back together, and that's a full-time job for me and my children (and hopefully for TAP; we'll see...).

I will spend some time on the other board, telling about my being stuck in the muck a foot above my head and being completely unable to see any type of light. I'm much happier now, having unshackled myself from my own need to feel in control of 'something.' I feel much more love for my XW today, than I have since we split. That's probably because I've accepted the reality of what is and stopped trying to control what I have no hope to ever control. Working on controlling me now.

Thank you fib and frank_D. You both have been a huge help in getting my feet out of my own mental 'quik-crete' and helped me to start moving forward in my own healthy way. God bless.

Last Thread

Any news SH? FIB