All Things (Back from Spain!)...18

Divorcebusting.com

All things [Still] Work together for good...17

Summary: (Note: this summary was written 4/8/07 and has pretty much remained the same since then. My confidence that God would work things out for His good have simply been confirmed over and over again)

M 16.5
S 15, D 17 (live with mom); SS 26 (lives with me)

11/05 - X files D
7/06 - X moved out with kids (I offered X the house but she declined so I bought her out. Immediately OM is in the picture continuously at her new place)

10/17/06 - D final

5/07 - X Marries OM

11/07 - Arrange face to face with Mr. X to forgive him. (I later learn that for me, true forgiveness comes more gradually, like with the healing of a wound)

The marriage was rocky for over 10 years. X had an affair with a different OM around 98/99. We separated for 6 months from 6/99 to 12/99 (I moved because of her hysterics and volatility) but we got back together. After X moved this time, I attempted to "stand" for the marriage but since coming back to the board in 8/06, I slowly moved from vigorously standing, to remaining open to reconciliation to deciding that I would not reconcile. X getting married closed the door on reconciliation for good.

X and I have been Christians since before we started dating, X has asserted that God has given her permission to D and has paved her way to be with OM who is not a Christian (uh, yeah, that sounds like a message straight from the throne of God).

My title comes from the Bible verse:

Quote:

Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

I own my part in the demise of marriage but I believe my X had no grounds for divorce according to our professed faith and the teachings we held from the Bible. Yet, I still maintain that God will use this situation to work for His greater good.

Getting A Life
The transition from being devastated at the realization that OM was not "Just a friend," to "Standing for the marriage" to "Getting A Life" and finally deciding I would not take X back has been an extremely challenging journey but God has provided the people, resources total support that I have needed including the people in this forum. My life has become increasingly full, an amazing adventure with blessing after blessing after blessing.

"Gracias, Multumesc, 'Yo,' Toda, Thank You, Mahalo, Grathias! (Castilian emphasis)"
A huge "thank you" goes out to Michele for making this forum available for us DBers who tried and yet still wound up in this forum. An equally huge "thank you" goes out to the people in this forum who lend an ear, offer sage advice or a shoulder (or thread) to cry on. There have been plenty of very challenging times I have had to go through to this point and this forum and the people in it have helped immeasurably in bringing healing.

The "Thank you" line? Places I've gone since X left: Mexico, Romania, New York, Israel, Washington D.C., Hawaii and Spain!

Well, I'm baaaaack!

Actually, I got back late last Wednesday but have been swamped at work and then I got sick (only mildly so but my body was beat). Here is a light recap of what happened:

Overall I had a GREAT time simply sharing the love of God with the people of Spain, with the Bible college students and with other groups of people we spent time with.

The People of Spain
Culturally rich and proud, I found the older generation to be a bit challenging to engage when on the island of Mallorca but much more approachable in Barcelona. In both places I found the youth to be similar to ours, idealistic and rebelling from the culture of their parents (this is always the case). However, it was alarming to find many of the youth to be atheistic and even anti God (we encountered youth who blatantly said they were Satanists). Quite sad indeed.

The Bible College
We went to support a bible college in several outreaches to the youth (skate park), at hospitals and in the community. The college is a very, very small extension campus but had some amazing students attending who love God with all their hearts, minds and souls. Many were from California but there were also students from Minnesota, Nebraska, Scotland, Ireland and other parts of Europe.

We supported them in the outreaches but also brought much desired fellowship to the Americans as many of them missed their families and the comforts we get accustomed to in the U.S. (By the way the college was set in a resort village overlooking a bay, quite beautiful).

Thanksgiving in Spain
In the city of Palma (pop. 500,000), there is a Salvation Army that hosted a dinner for our group of 19. A group of about 10 (plus kids) made the most amazing Thanksgiving feast we could have imagined. Together, we felt very much like one huge family on this day of giving thanks half way around the world.

Outreaches
Our team went to a skate park and two hospitals bringing gifts and a message of LOVE from God to those who would listen. At the skate park, most of the youth were smoking marijuana laced with hash. We brought skate boards and skater tennis shoes from the U.S. and engaged in discussions about drugs, life after death and such things. Several were impacted enough to understand the eternal nature of the things we spoke of and made decisions to pursue a different path. We worked with local people to make sure that the youth had follow up resources after we left.

We visited kids in the hospitals and dressed as clowns (including your truly), conducted puppet shows, made balloon animals and brought toys. A child's smile needs no translation of language.

Site seeing
In Barcelona, we got to do some sight seeing including visiting the amazing Sagrada Familia Cathedral which is perpetually under construction.

We also visited a street fair known as "Las Ramblas" which also had many street artists that were quite the spectical.

On our final day in Barcelona, we went to the Park Guel a.k.a. "Guadi's bench"

Of course, everywhere we went, we did not hesitate to tell people we were from America and that we came tell people that God loves them.

Our youth
We took five 17-20 year old youths with us to reach out to the youth of Spain through their skating. Parents raised the money and away we went with a chaperone to watch them (a 31 year old who is a youth at heart). Of all the prayers that went out, we thank God none of them got injured with all the skating, flipping, jumping and falling they were doing. (Just to kill time, at one point they found a ledge that was about 5 feet high and level and were skating, jumping off it, getting the skate board to twirl and then trying to land on the board on the ground below- can you say "broken ankle?")

Personal Growth
When you travel with 14 adults and 5 young men, it stretches and tries you in ways that would surprise you. This was my fourth short term missions trip and my pastor looked to me to come along side and help him which I anticipated and enjoyed doing. I had to approach fellow travellers and lovingly share things they may not have wanted to hear. I was able to help encourage the youth and was able to enjoy the trip that much more because of their exuberance.

A wayward youth
As an example, part of our group was walking along a busy central area of Barcelona and sitting on a bench was an out of place looking young woman visibly sad. As we walked past on our way to see some fabulous site I had to go back to simply tell her "Dios te ama" to which she said "I don't speak Spanish." I told her God loves you and she told me she doesn't believe in God. We dialogued a little and I told her He does exist and that He loves her nonetheless. Ultimately she allowed me to pray for to which I prayed that God would make Himself so evidently known to her that she would know that she knows that she knows, He is real and that He loves her. (I asked what I could pray for and she said, "that I would get my head out of my arse" so I prayed for her accordingly only using slightly different words).

This is just one account of the many, many encounters I had while on the trip. This is why I went to Spain.

The Root of bitterness

So, I was specifically invited to my ex in-laws 50th anniversary this past weekend and I went. (weird buying a gift and a card to celebrate faithfulness and fidelity for the parents of an adulterous ex-wife, don't cha think?)

I saw all the old "family" members and was embraced like family, heck, at one point I think my ex-wife was almost about to hug me, that was weird.

I prayed and prayed for the extracting of every ounce of bitterness out of me, to be able to attend such an event and feel neutral towards ex and Mr. ex. (I had my closest faithful friends also praying for me).

I am getting there, maybe have even arrived, re forgiveness that is.

A dear friend quoted this scripture to me and I have claimed it as my own as well. It was given to the people of Israel at the time of the writing but it applies to anyone who calls upon God.

Quote:

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.

The bible talks about not allowing a "root of bitterness" to develop yet it is often very reasonable and rational to have such a "root."

Conversely, I am told, as a follower of Christ and a believer in what the bible teaches me, that I must forgive others (EVEN if the offending party never apologizes). The root of bitterness prevents forgiveness.

I had a good time. there was a moment or two of weirdness but who would have thought of being at such an event 2 years after the ink is dry on the D or 20 months after Ex's remarriage?

Elsewhere, life is soooooooooo rich. I have many single (as well as married) friends, I am hosting a big party at my house for two ladies from church with lots of dancing. I have a few lady friends from church that have show me interest but I see them as friends only. I also have a couple of ladies who are closer but the boundaries are defined by both me and them. I have a good core of really close male friends, Men of integrity I would trust with my most cherished possessions.

Though they do not live with me, I could write volumes about how good things are with my kids but I'll save that for another time.

Life is good!

Hi Com, I am pleased and happy that things are going well for you.
I knew you would love Barcelona, it IS one of those cities.
I take my hat off to you for attending the party. 8 years on I don't think I could do it-imaterial really as I never get asked. I suppose because my children are adults and also have little to no contact too.
Nuture your friendships and I am sure one day Mrs C (2nd) will be made known to you.
Take care.

hello hello $\:\)$
how awesome that your "other" family embraced you (who wouldnt', he he) it's pretty sad to see other ILs just writing the xes off when a D happens.

A party huh? cool, hope it's a blast, i'm hosting a small dinner with a group of single parents, let's ee how that goes.

Nice to see you C2H)))))))))))))

Hi Naej,

long time no see huh?

Yes, I did enjoy seeing Barcelona and Mallorca. Much of my adventure seeking would not have taken place were it not for the D.

Attending the family party ties into the following post about continuing the healing, my how the time flown by!

Hi Cat,

Yes, it was nice to be embraced by my X-family in laws. I loved my X, flaws and all and I never did anything to the family members or to my X for them to disown me. They know X has this side of her that is drama queen so they chalk up her decision to X being who she is.

(side note, just before the party, I found out that X and her sister were not talking to each other again and that it had been almost a year, go figure)

As for the party, it was a total hit! As a group we had an incredible time and I danced the night away! And then we hung out some more. I am truly blessed, indeed!

2/24 My anniversary date!

Over the last month or so, I have been arriving at a different stage of forgiveness. I arrived at the decision to approach my X one more time and both seek and express forgiveness. Though I was not unfaithful, abusive or a "bad" husband by any stretch of the imagination, in my own understanding of what a christian husband should be, I fell short.

So in that regard, I chose to approach X one final time, a request for forgiveness and visa versa and decided to do so today, on my anniversary.

In my own way I was also forgiving her BUT rather than stir the pot and say "I FORGIVE YOU" wisdom directed me to word the email as I did.

I feel free, I feel a peace. While composing the text, i purposely played a mix of music that I would previously avoid listening to, music that we listen to in the early stages of our marriage INCLUDING the song we played for our first dance at our wedding.

I now choose to look at certain dates, the anniversary of both the wedding and divorce, valentines day, her birthdate etc, as dates for celebration of my new life, a very rich and rewarding life centered on my relationship with God and my children.

What follows is that email and her response:

Quote:
X;

I felt the Lord strongly directing me to write this note to you on this day.

He has shown me so much over the last few years, shown me all the work He wants to do to change me, to mold me more into His image (it will be a lifelong process).

He has also shown me areas in our marriage where I failed. Boy has He shown me those areas.

I have asked Him to forgive me and now I come to you and ask the same. Please forgive me for all things, big and small. I am sorry for every hurt I caused you. I asked this of you before but as I see more of how much hurt you experienced, I needed to approach you again. We are both now living in the present and this is the good news but again, please forgive me.

In this writing this, I also wanted to share with you that I have taken the hurt I have experienced and given it over to the Lord and He has done the healing that needed to be done. Praise God!

Moving forward, I choose to focus on the good and the things God wants me to take away from the marriage. There are so many special memories that I will always cherish. Of course the fruit of the marriage, our children, are the greatest blessing we could have ever hoped for.

I do keep you, Mr. X (formerly OM) and your marriage in my prayers on an ongoing basis and I do appreciate you prayers for me. It is the Lord's desire that each of us grows ever closer to Him all the days of our lives and so that is my prayer for each of us.

I have also been praying for a special blessing for you at the women's retreat. I can't even imagine how awesome it is going to be!

As my sister in Christ, as your brother in Christ, I feel comfortable in telling you, I love you.

Happy February 24th.

C2H

X's response

Quote:

Nothing at this point to forgive --
I only wish His blessings to flow on you.
Thank you ~
X

As a side note, X accidently sent me several attempted responses as she changed them. She deleted her first responses which started out "I have definitely forgiven..." I guess after she thought about it, she realized that I was fautless in her eyes (yeah right!)

The timeline: It has been 31 months since she moved out and I realized she was in an EA possible PA. A long time for some things, not very long for healing from betrayal and for that I thank God and give lots of people around here kudos for their counsel and comfort. $\:\)$

Of course, a GREAT thanks goes out to Michele for her work, her books and for hosting the forums including this one for those of us who mostly wound up with unwanted divorces. Many people are doing very well because of this community and their healing has been accelerated because this site exists.

Thanks Michele!

hey c2h, i'm glad you are able to feel this way, I pray one day I might be half that way... it is one of those weeks when the reality comes crashing down on my head... guess it shall pass, perhaps i;m not close enugh to God like I should be, to cling harder to him... perhaps I just need a good cry...

Cat,

It is in the midst of the storms, the hurt and the pain that His arms seem to be open the widest.

15 minutes ago I found this clip a different version of the very song I chose for my wedding 19 years ago for my our first dance. It is a love song BUT a love song to God.

Lost Without You

"Lord, pour out your love and comfort on Cat and anyone else who should read this and need the comfort that it seems like only You can provide. Minister to her and wrap her in YOUR arms for we are weak and our clinging to you is fickle, at best. But, when we desire to be held by you, no one, nothing on earth or hell can pull us out of Your loving, omnipotent, yet tender hold. Bind her wounds, give her rest from the that which is crashing down on her. When we have nothing, no protection, no shelter, that is when we can start to see that You truly are able, willing and desirous of providing that safe haven. Show Youself to be that loving Father to Cat and anyone who will earnestly seek you. These things I petition in the powerful name of Jesus. Amen"

(Note: I fell asleep exhausted after playing basketball with my son and woke up 2 hours ago West Coast time. I have just been journaling and am about to catch a few hours sleep but very likely my awaking was also to respond to you at this time? God uses His people to minister to others who are hurting.)

thanks for your prayer C2H)))))))) slowly but surely I'm feeling better, I have to firmly and consciously have to keep saying NO, STOP, when unproductive thoughts invade my brain. It is worse when I dont' have my kids, when I think of the time I'm loosing with my little ones, that's what boils me.
I'm trying to do more volunteering, and I know that others have it even worse, that all things considered I'm doing great.

Cat,

I know the feeling of not having your kids with you. As a dad who does not have custody, that use to eat at me tremendously. It is something I have had to give over to the Lord.

As a Christian, I rest in the solace that I know that I know that I know that I know I will spend eternity with God in heaven where there is no sorrow, pain or tears (not because of anything I have done but because of what He did for me on the cross at Calvary).

My job is to do the best to raise my kids to have that same relationship with the Lord that they too will join me in heaven with God. NOTHING else matters, nothing!

If my life demonstrates, through the ups and downs, that God is real, than I have done all I can for them. If living for Him results in a life of peace, a productive life lived for others and that life creates a thirst in them to have a similar relationship with Him, than I have been successful.

Quote:

I have to firmly and consciously have to keep saying NO, STOP, when unproductive thoughts invade my brain.

The bible directs us to "take every thought captive"

Quote:

2 Corinthians 10:5 (New King James Version)
casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,

In application, when a thought to be angry at my X, to dwell in sadness at my loss etc occurs, I need to take control of those thoughts and apply what I know to be true about God, is nature and His love for me. I am empowered by His Spirit to accomplish these things. Will power is not enough.

It is easy to write about this but a daily (sometimes hourly) challenge to live it out.

When it is challenging, I pray and often invite my close circle of committed prayer partners to pray more specifically for me.

hey c2h, i think I've finally made peace with the reason this whole mess got started,, well, I will never know when, I do know that the enemy is like a lion looking for someone to devour, I do knwo he is the main cause my M didnt' make it.
I had good years, I had the best of him, when he was a loving H, a God fearing man, what he is now I don't ever want, and there are other men out there who have lots to offer -- not that I'm actively looking, but I'm lookiing up a bit more, there is life beyond what I could've have.

He isnt' worth all my energy, he is God's child too, and I know He wants him to be saved, but now I have to walk away, I'll keep all the good memories and I will stop wondring how the whole thing got started, I think I made soem progress, felt like a step backward but I think I've gained some more peace at this point, wasnt'; easy but God is filling me with his peace again.

Thanks friend))))))))))))

Hi Cat,

Your perspective is much the same as mine. The difference is that my X is not in blatant sin, at least in her mind. I cannot say that she has ever come face to face with the reality that she committed adultery and is in an adulterous marriage. (Nor is it my place to question or judge her but facts are facts. We were married, she got emotionally involved with a married man, she quit our marriage and then arried 6 months after the ink was dry on the D).

I have arrived at a point of having true, deep compassion for her and her husband. It was not possible to stay in this mode with resentment popping in and out before. I believe I am healed although, I believe the enemy will tempt me to be drawn back into bitterness. I believe my sin nature (pride?) will also tempt me with a mind set of, "it was not fair, why me etc." That is where the future battle will be, I believe.

I have two close sisters at church who have indicated they are healed. What they feel for the X's who betrayed them IS compassion. It is through their declarations that healing IS possible that I cautiously declare that I am healed.

Time will tell right?

Healing takes time and all things are possible through God so I say that you are in a pretty good place.

Take care C2H.

Hey doc, I am indeed in a very good place right now. thank you and bless you!

Hey Mr!!!
write me!
Miss you!

Hey Missy!!!
Wrote you!
Miss you too!! $\:\)$

Hey C2:

So glad to hear you're in a good place. That big birthday is coming up soon, isn't it? Who nows - I chase the sun - its possible I could get there to celebrate. Sure would be fun.

SFO

Why yes it is SFO, 5 months and counting...gonna be a blast!