Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1544644&page=0&fpart=14I believe it was Martin Luther King Jr who said: "If you can't fly, run, if you can't run, walk, if you can't walk, crawl, but keep moving forward."
I believe I am entering the greatest challenge of my life --- and I have need to keep moving forward.
The biopsy showed a malignant tumor called oligodendroglioma. I am awaiting the appointment for the oncologist to hear more about it. However, my b-i-l is a doctor and read in texts from 2006 that this is a tumor that cannot be completely eradicated, although it is a slow growing one. I hope there is updated treatment. The surgeon did say he got the core of the tumor and that diverse cells needed to be treated. Not much else, and I guess that's for the oncologist to deal with.
After all that I have been through, I kept hoping, thinking, "maybe it's a benign tumor, or something I can fight." Not that I don't intend fighting, but this is a big battle. I have need of faith and mine is small right now, so I hope that those with greater faith can carry me a little on your shoulders. I continue to pray the Prayer of Jabez:
Oh, that You would bless me indeed,
and enlarge my territory,
that your Hand would be with me,
and that You would keep me from evil.
This is not a war that I am likely to win, but it seems, I can win many battles and can survive even beyond 10 years. I, again, ask you to pray for me and my family.
PS I have found that not sweating the small stuff is really true. H has been so kind and giving. And, whatcha know --- we ML
for the first time last night in more than a year.
Take care y'all.
Being Me, I am so sorry to hear of this battle you face, it makes all the others we've gone through together seem so insignificant. You have my prayers and I will add you to our church prayer list, those prayer vibes will be heading God's way! Stay strong and please keep us posted.
hi being me,
sorry to hear of your biopsy results. I will be sure to lift you up in prayer each day.
unfortunately, i know how scary a brain tumor can be. my darling W was diagnosed w/ a chordoma of the clivus (brainstem area) right after we got engaged 8 years ago. by God's grace and many prayers it has shown no signs of growth (though they grow very slowly).
i hope you are getting much support and love. do your best to keep a positive attitude. keep moving forward. take care.
God bless you.
T
Hey, girl! It's me, Arwen! I can't remember the last time I have been on this site (years?), but today I just had a strong feeling that I should check in and see if any "oldies" were still here from when I used to post so long ago. Naturally, I had to look YOU up first! I read your last two threads just to catch up.
I am so sorry to hear about what's going on with you. I have said a prayer for you already, and will continue to do so. You were there for me when I was so far down I was looking up. You will never know how much you helped me stay sane....or as sane as I'm ever gonna get!
Although I have been separated from my H for five years now, we are still not divorced and he is still with OW. I have grown alot, but am still dealing wih anger issues and a loss of direction. This has been detrimental to my finances, especially. However, I have learned alot while traveling down the MLC road, and thought that maybe,somehow, I could help someone else find the courage to face another day. I'm thinking about starting a new thread and replying to other's posts. I'm not a perfect DB'er and I still have issues, but perhaps I could help make someone else's day a little better.
How is school going? When will you graduate? Going back to school is hard on us old farts! I also went back to university and earned a B.S. in management last December, but haven't done much with it yet. I'm still dealing with my congenital procrastination syndrome! I know I found it very difficult to balance work, school and home life, but I did it! I have to admit I'm a little proud of myself. Many deadlines in school so I couldn't procrastinate, so I wonder why I'm doing it in my personal life? A work in progress, I guess.
Keep up your courage. You are one very strong,awesome lady. I'm so glad your family, especially your kids, are being so supportive. I would imagine your H is scared to death of things he has no control over. Alot of men have difficulty in showing emotional support, and I hope your H steps up to the plate. Keep us posted. I'll be thinking and praying for you. I will be checking the boards to keep up on your sitch. Thank you for all your wonderful support in the past, my friend! You have many friends here, and we all want only the best for you.
Guys, I am so grateful for this site, not just for the DB'ing aspect, but just the friendship connections one gets even though it's virtual. Thanks for all the good wishes from everyone. And, especially the prayers.
Arwen! Good grief! It felt like a brick hit me when I saw your name. I check to see if you've posted on the odd occasion, but it's been so long. Good for you for graduating, and getting through all the other stuff. You are such a strong person, and sometimes you just don't know it. I kinda thought you may be D'ed by now if OW is still in the picture, so there's a surprise. Must irritate her some? Has WAH been more involved with your youngest daughter's life? How old is she now?
Anyway, I should be asking these questions on a thread of your own, so I will look for it.
I feel too lazy to start a thread tonight- my day off! But I will soon, and you can check it out. Even though he lives 2 blocks away, H rarely sees D16. No child support. Occasional lunch money. She seems to have walled off any feelings for him, but when he does see her, he usually manages to make her cry with his nagging and "disappointment" in her. I'm glad he isn't around. Never thought I'd say that after moving 550 miles so she could be near him!
He has said he is so unhappy and misses me, our family life, and even the house. That just made me think he was even more pathetic. Why live with someone who "makes me miserable in my own house"? Spineless. If he really wanted to be here, he would be. He travels throughout the state for his job, and he will stay in a motel two hours away from here, rather than come back to his house.
I am lonely, but I'm ok being alone.Yup, I'm ok with my life right now. My main concern is in finding a better paying job, and I'll be getting busy on that tomorrow. I'm just an old nurse with back problems...that's why the management degree. A desk is lookin' pretty darn good.
You know, I have shared feelings on this board that I could never share with anyone I know. Shed many tears for myself and others, especially in Newcomers. But I have had some of the best laughs here, and have met some of the sharpest wits! After being politically correct all day, it will be nice to express my own thoughts! Gotta get busy with supper, so gotta go. Again, glad to hear from you. You may be having your own problems, but being who you are, you haven't stopped trying to help others.
((Hugs)) I'm so sorry to hear the results of the biopsy. As always, my prayers are with you...
((((BeingMe)))) I don't know what words to say other than how sorry I am and hugs and prayers for you and your family. I am glad your H is there for you.
Being Me, I put you on our church prayer list tonight. Hang in there! Thinking of you.
Somedays your strength (and trials) never ceases to amaze me. You are in my daily prayers. Kudos on the um, er, ya that
. That's it girl, make the team proud.
I hope this is a real wake up call for H. Take care of what you have now, because everything we have is temporal.
My prayers are with you.
So, the battle starts on March 19 when I go see the oncologist. This particular cancer centre is a research centre and they have asked if I would like to be put on any trials if they are in the process of doing so. I will think on that, but I will probably say yes. If it doesn't work for me, maybe it will give good info for further research and end up helping others. Won't think too much on it though, 'cause they may not be in the process of doing research for this particular cancer.
Okay, here's a question (for me really). Do prayers work? Do they get answered? I am starting to really believe they do. I mean, I did before, but in a kind of distant way and thought for other people, not me. As some of you may know, my sister and her daughter have been somewhat distant for a few years (my sister for most of my life and my niece for the past few years since she lived with us then abruptly left ... long story). It has been on my heart that this be resolved in some way. They were going to visit a couple of months ago, but for some reason did not. (My niece lives in Du Pont, WA, and my other niece lives in Calgary, Canada, and I live in between and slightly off to the west so it's not a big detour.) Throughout my life, my sister has rarely visited me, while I have tramped a pathway through her house, even if she lived far away which was the case many times. Anyway, to cut a long story short ... suddenly a week ago, my niece calls and announces they are visiting. Out of the blue. Neither of them have even been communicating with me much via email or telephone (not even morse code or smoke signals ... haha), so it was a huge surprise. So, they've come and gone and it was wonderful. We spent time chatting until 3, 4 even 5 a.m. like we used to. I am not going to fool myself that this will be a trend, but this once was a gift, and all I can think is that my prayers were answered because it was so unusual and unexpected.
I have prayed to HF that He knows the desires of my heart. His will be done, but I will fight for life in case that is His will.
Thank you so much for all your prayers. Knowing that others care enough to actually pray for me, is so comforting and makes the battle easier to bare. It gives me greater courage. I am so lucky, truly. You know, even my neurologist said that he would pray for me during the operation. I am still stunned by that. I have never had a doctor say that to me.
A quote by Mahatma Gandhi, "In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth." This quote resonates with me, in that, I feel we all want the truth, whether spiritually, or within our marriages.
Answer = yes.
But remember that His answers may be different than ours. Keep up the c-c-c-courage.
How is the health care where you are? is there a good level of confidence? have the seizure stopped since the surgery?
I love that you had a good visit from family!
Hi WCW! I am keeping the courage as best I can.
I try not to dwell too much, but concentrate on other things, like school. We have universal health here in Canada so the level of care differs from one area to another, but one always gets care. So far, I have been very happy with what I've experienced and I have heard the Cancer Centre here is excellent.
I haven't had a seizure since early Feb. --- yay. So far, so good. Just taking it one day at a time.
Thanks so much for checking in with me.
Again, I ask you to pray for me and my family. I have two options for treatment ... radiation then chemo; chemo if a certain gene marker appears in my blood. Just chemotherapy is the better option because it is less invasive and it's just a pill that you can take anywhere. Radiation will be 6 weeks of intensive treatment. So, I pray for those markers or tags to be in my genetic makeup. The cancer appears to be at level 3, but they are requesting a second opinion on that.
I am a little bit down at the moment after my trip to the oncologist and radiologist yesterday. I need to recoup. I have started to exercise and eat as correctly as possible (especially things that will build my immune system and is known to fight cancer). I am grateful that I have not had a seizure since a couple of days after my operation .... more than a month now. H has been very supportive, and has even changed job to one where he will be at home more often. If nothing else, this crisis in my life has shown me that he is still the kind, caring person he was when I married him.
It's a roller coaster, Being Me. It's OK to have those down times, you've been handed one helluva a load to carry! You're a fighter so I'm confident you'll kick the crap out of this thing whether it be via chemo or radiation
You remain in my prayers.
You mentioned prayer earlier, Being Me and I have been praying in my sitch for my STBX to rediscover her faith. Yesterday, maybe a small step was taken when she called me over and in our discussions regarding the kids, she told me she "fully supported" me in taking our kids to church. She asked if there were any evening or summer church activities the girls could take part in as they needed "positive influences" in their lives (I could have said "then why don't you start being one!" ooh, so mean
). I told her I'd meet with our Youth Pastor and see what we could do, so we're meeting on Thursday evening. As I drove home, I pulled the car over to cry because it felt like just maybe my prayer was beginning to be answered! It's a little thing but it meant a lot to me.
Keep on praying, Being Me!
Hope your genetic genes are just what the doctor ordered!
I had an email recently with information about good diets to combat cancer. I'll see if I can get it to you.
It's nice that your H is being kind and caring and supportive. You can concentrate on you!
Thanks Wii and WCW --- I would appreciate diets to combat cancer. If you know Phoenix' email, I could get it from him.
You know, I probably never said this before, but I do also pray for y'all. It's so good to focus on those with similar issues as me, or that I had, and pray for some kind of reconciliation or confirmation in your sitches. So, know that there is one other person praying for you too.
You've all been so kind to me and your words have been so encouraging. I am out of my little sadness of last week. I was even dancing to some funky music today, and my husband caught me and gave me that "you're weird" look. Hahaha!
Hi BeingMe
I am happy that you are gettin' down to the funky music. Continue those positve vibes
That nasty stuff in your body tends to run in the other direction when your spirits are so positive like that, IMO.
I will surely be praying for you and your loved ones. The Lord is mysterious and at the same time marvelous in all His ways.
T
Hi everyone! Just got back the tests yesterday --- they want me to have radiation and chemo because they're afraid the cancer is spreading quicker. Yikes! So, it's frying and poisoning for me. I am just going to keep trying to be positive 'cause I'm not done with my life yet. I don't feel it.
Take care.
That's not the news I was hoping for you!
Are there support groups you can find to help you thru this? There is a lady in MLC - 1hope - that recently went thru cancer treatment. Maybe she could be a resource for you.
Stay positive!
Mega cyber vibes going your way.
Thanks, WCW, for the mega cyper vibes!
I think they do have support groups in the city where I will be getting treatment, so I will go once that starts. They have here too, but I will be spending more time down there.
Today is my 23rd Anniversary. H and I had dinner last night and it was lovely. He got me an awesome card about being there for each other in sickness and he got me a Wii Fitness. Super! I didn't get him anything because I was in so much shock and couldn't get anywhere by myself to buy him something. So, I will surprise him when he gets back from his business trip (2 weeks).
Take care y'all.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang tough there girl. You can beat this.
Thanks Phoenix!!!! You have always been such a great cheerleader for me and so many others on the bb.
Take care of yourself.
Will do. I think I like helping others since I feel I have done all I can here. Nothing more to do, nothing more to fight for. Only when the kids are here do I feel there is any purpose to what I do. Of course helping here on the board feels good too. I did learn something here, too bad XW didn't.
Radiation/Chemotherapy starts next week Wednesday. I am nervous about the radiation. H is back home on Friday night and will be home for 3 weeks. Just gonna take it one day at a time. Final exams tomorrow.
Take care y'all.
Good luck Wednesday. Hope Exams went well. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
How ya doin', honey? I know that chemo/rad treatments take alot out of you, and you're probably very tired. Just remember that we're all praying for you. So glad your H is home with you and that he's being supportive. When you feel up to it, drop us a line or two to let us know how you are. You are one tough cookie!
I'm thinking of you too, Being Me! Let us know how you are when you're up to it. Hang tough and remember to keep taking names and kicking ass...you'll come out on top!
Swinging by but don't see you here....
Hi everyone ... thanks for thinking of me. I have been updating my health sitch on Facebook. Not much to report here really, re my R. No big advance, but no real retreat either. Taking each day as it comes.
Hope things go better with y'all!
Thanks for the update, Being Me! Keep on keepin' on
I posted on WCW's thread about knowing how she feels about not regaining sex before menopause and knowing now how it feels to lose that plus the energy for sex, before my H finally wants it. I also don't want sex, I want intimacy, making love, not just having sex. I feel frustrated at times, being in this situation, that things weren't quite settled in our M before I got sick, but not much I can do about that either. H is doing the best he can, I guess. I think he is totally unaware of my needs ... probably thinks there are none except to fight for my health. It seems almost silly for me to be discussing things like 'sex' at a time like this, but it would be so nice to just have 'intimate speek' ... you know, talk about when I'm healthy and what we would do, how much we love each other and romantic stuff like that.
'Eh, I have another battle to fight in the war of life. I try not to concern myself too much with "what ifs" and just take each day as it comes. I am finding out that there truly is so much for which to be thankful/grateful. Romance and intimacy is a small part of life (although, a bigger part in a M). It helps to journal it here, and then try and forget about the hole in my M which H is unaware is there or chooses to look away.
Take care everyone and Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.
BM,
I just found your thread and read all your news. I'm so sorry to hear about the cancer. You are such a figher. I have to admit that I no longer pray but you will definately be in my thoughts.
Take care of yourself
Thanks ACJ. I truly appreciate your thinking of me.
I just got some flowers for Mother's Day, from my D28. Awesome surprise!
You are in my thoughts too. Many people I know are both fighting for life, family and marriage. Recently I had the opportunity to share the DB/DR book with two different people, one has been working hard on their sitch, the other is trying to decide if they want to work their way out of a MLC. It's hard to hold my tongue when I am hearing the thought of bagging a M due to a MLC. I about want to come through the phone at them.
Had to check on you dear friend. Keep up the good fight, we'll check on you again soon. No applying some of those fireworks coming up in a week or two under your H. Not good form!
Thank you so much for checking in on me, Phoenix. Although, I do enjoy our IM's now and then. You really are such a good friend --- at a time like this, I sure do know who those are.
Nothing profound to say, just bump.
Thanks for the bump, Phoenix!
Not much to report on the marital front ---- same ol', same ol'.
Happy Canada Day, Being Me! Thinking of ya and still praying for ya.
Belated Happy 4th of July, Phoenix and all my American friends.
My D29 just became a U.S. citizen.
So, not much change here except the ongoing cancer treatment. Taking it one day at a time.
Oh, wait! H actually kissed me in a very romantic way last night. Not sure what that meant. Could this be the micro crack in the ice?
D16 is at a 6 week camp so H and I are going camping alone this weekend. Usually, if there is one or more of the kids with us, then they are a distraction from our having to communicate or interact on a big level, and I am not as big a chatterbox as I used to be. So it's going to be interesting being on our own, camping (he did, however, ask if I wanted to invite a friend ---- sheesh). At home, he works, and I sit on the computer with my own stuff, watch tv, or nap if I'm tired, so not much going on there. We bought a little motorboat, so that will be fun to go out on the water with our dog.
Hope to report something interesting after the weekend, folks!
Try Transfer Factor (bovine colostrum) to boost your immune system-- I give it to my Husky who has inoperable cancer. The vet advised me to put him to sleep 11 mos. ago, and he's still going strong.
I'll remember you in my prayers.
We have a husky too --- aren't they wonderful dogs!
We arrived back home from our camp this morning. It was great being on the water. I loved going out to the middle of the lake and just floating there. H, of course, prefers speeding around, which is fun too. No romance to speak of, but it was nice to hang with my best friend.
Unfortunately, we came home with a voicemail message to call my doctor. I hope and pray it's nothing serious. My stomach just dropped and I feel quite down at the moment. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow.
Take care.
This is the note I placed on my Facebook:
My doctor phoned on Friday and left a message to call back. Of course, we were out camping and only got back on Saturday, so I had the rest of the weekend to wonder and wait. I phoned back this morning and the news is that, "there is improvement - solitary tiny focus of enhancement - can't exclude the possibility of tiny amount of residual disease." Of course, that is the nature of this particular cancer. BUT, there is improvement, thank you Lord! And, I hope the chemo in the next few months will sort out the rest of it.
Thanks everyone, for your prayers, positive thoughts and kindnesses in thinking of me. I am so grateful right now, y'all just have no idea!
The fight does continue, but with so much more positiveness when one can see there is improvement.
My H was very supportive because I was scared to phone the doctor in case there was bad news. He gave me a hug on hearing the good news. I am so glad he is here, even if only as my best friend.
Still, in so many ways, I am sad that there has been so much wasted time when we could've been having a wonderful M, and instead, there has been all this sadness and 'what ifs'. But, I know I can't obsess about that --- I made my choices as he did and this is where karma/destiny has placed us. All I can do now, is be grateful for each day, and live my life as best I can. I keep telling myself, that there are millions of people who are so much worse off and I wish I could do something for them instead of worrying about myself. Ugh! I keep asking myself, "why am I here?" I feel that I have not yet finished my 'mission'. But, what is that 'mission'?
Enough of my blabbering.
I shall add you to prayers for continued gradual return to good health BeingMe
Ted
Thanks Ted!
So pleased to hear your good news
I love this poem, written by a Dr. Robert Magrisso:
The Loom
Time passes and everything changes,
But nothing changes very much.
Four Ancient Women are weaving the Life-times,
Here.
The Loom is as big as a galaxy,
The threads are invisible to us, but have
Something to do
With Cause and Effect.
Threads, connecting threads between lives
And deaths,
Connections, relationships, synchronicities,
But mostly,
Unseen.
We're too busy to notice, too much to do.
Life is work or else, sleep or else unconsciousness.
Is there another way?
Can one get a glimmer of the threads now and again and live
In the Weave?
Stopping in with a hi and hugs.
You hit a topic that I try to avoid - wasted time. A couple more months and it's 6 years. SIX!! OMG!! Did I diddle away 6 years of my life waiting for my H to work his way back? He's not even all the way out of the fog yet, what's yet to come?
Will it be what I want and need?
Maybe I'm just not good at holding an R with anyone and I'd have screwed up with someone else by now!
Stay strong, stay positive!
Well, you can see it as time wasted, but Dr. Magrisso was writing the poem from the perspective of eternity and almost dying. In the great scheme of things, 6 years isn't very long. However, if you thought you didn't have a long time to live, six years is too short.
My question to you would be --- do you love him with the love you had when you first met? Do you see the person inside of him that is the core of who he is and love that?
For me, I love my H still, but he is just a friend, it seems. So, I love that part of him. It has been five years in April since he started his EA. I don't know when it ended or if it did, I do know that my real H hasn't come back. Perhaps, he's gone forever. My best friend is here, and that's good enough for me for now. I don't think our M will survive the cancer, because if I survive it, I will want more out of life than just to live with my friend. It has been a wake up call, for sure.
Still, in so many ways, I am sad that there has been so much wasted time when we could've been having a wonderful M, and instead, there has been all this sadness and 'what ifs'.
I was actually refering to what you had said...
My question to you would be --- do you love him with the love you had when you first met?
Yes! but there is a but! If I think about the mess he made and the mess we still have to get thru I can get very angry. So I stuff it deep inside, and along with suppressing my anger I also bury those happy emotions. The love is still there, but I am afraid to let it out for fear that the gusher will drown H and send him back down stream!
Do you see the person inside of him that is the core of who he is and love that?
Yes again. At least I am seeing the person that I knew and grew to love when we met and for our first 10 years together. I see more and more glimpses of the H I know and love yet there is so much still lacking.
I too have been living with a friend. It makes my life easier to have H in my life as long I keep the bad feelings and emotions at bay. I am still waiting for ....?? the fairy tale to come back? I don't know if we'll ever get all the way to where I need and want my R with a man to be. I had it before, and while I have been pretty patient for this long I won't settle for less than what I know is there.
I am glad for you to have a best friend in your life for now. Perhaps that is what you need most at this point while you focus on your health. Best friend R long term is better than bursts of passion but shouldn't we ask for it all?
Best friend R long term is better than bursts of passion but shouldn't we ask for it all? blush wink
I sure signed on for BF and H. I don't expect romance and passion all the time. I just expect some reassurances of his loyalty and love. I think he thinks that being here for me, and being a good friend (and he really is) is enough, but I have told him how I feel many times and it has fallen on deaf ears. Perhaps if we were ML on a regular basis would make me feel more confident of his love or, at least, that he finds me attractive and desirable. Well, maybe I'm not anymore since we have ML about twice a year on average in the last 4 years. Once when I initiated, I was turned down, so not going there again.
He also works very hard, and still helps around the house with things I can't do or do slowly.
But, it's not about just the ML aspect. The other day I was thinking about life and death and choices, yadda yadda! And, it occurred to me that maybe I stood in his way to real happiness and maybe that was bad karma for me yadda yadda! I got quite emotional, as you can imagine. So, I went to him in tears saying how sorry I was to have stood in his way, if the OW was his true soul mate. I also told him that I release him from any attachment to me and that he was free to pursue her if he wanted. Of course, I was hoping for the assurance that no, he loved me and I was his soul mate and that I had done the right thing in objecting to his EA. But, he said nothing. He hugged me, but I'm not sure what that meant. This is what my H is like. You just never quite know what his actions and few words mean. He does tell me he loves me every time we speak on the phone, but there is no real, look into my eyes, reassuring, "I love you". If I say it out of the blue, he will say it back, but very seldom initiate it. I have stopped doing that because I don't want him to feel obligated to say those words. Lately, what I've been doing is hugging him when he's looking frustrated (he works from home and usually sits at the kitchen table instead of the study so I can hear it or see it when he is feeling upset over something ---- usually, when something on the computer will not comply to his wishes hahaha) and he seems to like that.
I guess at a time like this --- fighting a malignant disease --- it's pretty pointless to be worrying about all this, and generally I don't. It will all be meaningless if I lose the battle and the only thing that I will be concerned about are my children and grandchildren. I have said and done all I can as far as my M goes. There is nothing more I can do or want to do. I appreciate his friendship immensely and I understand that he must care for me very much as a member of his immediate family to still be here after all that has transpired in the last year. I also understand that it must be hard looking in from the outside at the battle I am fighting. It must be so boring to hear about blood tests, MRI's, sitting in waiting rooms, etc., although I don't talk about it often, except when something is upcoming. In fact, the illness is so far from my mind sometimes, I forget appointments, such as another icky blood test last week. I write here and on my Facebook and then generally forget about it.
I am feeling introspective today --- H is away on a business trip for 2 weeks, D16 is at camp, so it's just S22 and I and he's at work and was camping this past weekend. So, I've had a lot of time on my own which is nice, and I do keep myself busy. I rather like my own company and don't often feel lonely. A friend took me out to the mall yesterday after taking me for blood tests (ugh!). That was neat! The mall, I mean. And, the occasional outing like that is enough for me.
Well, I hope y'all are having a great summer! My D29 and my awesome grandkids are coming to visit in August. I am so excited! I just love them so much that I can't describe how much. It sure is an eternal love.
Take care.
Good to hear things are moving in a positive direction. I'm sure the battle has been long and hard, but it looks like your seeing positive stuff. Even with it's challenges I have learn to appreciate things a little more recently. I did learn (again) to listen to "guidance" twice so far this month. No doubt someone is trying to teach me something.
Just a few observations here, let's see if I have this right. H wants to take you camping, is supportive when facing possible heartbreaking news.....maybe not the dream we all have in mind, but at least is making positive strides in the right direction. Putting that with the positive news from the doctor, I would say someone has something to at least be upbeat about. Maybe someone will be more upbeat about himself and the R if he feels he is helping you and the R succeed. Be the greener grass.
Hi Phoenix! How are ya doing?
Yes, I do understand what you're saying. I am so grateful to have my best friend with me, and supporting me. Don't get me wrong. He has been very supportive indeed. So has my S22 and my D16, especially when dad has been away on business. All three have been my rock.
Of course, he wants to take me camping, we do everything together. But, it's like buddies. It's difficult to describe --- after almost 5 years and we're still in the same place except I rarely comment on the EA, or anything about our R. When I did a couple of weeks ago, it had been a couple of years (I think --- can't really remember when last) since. There is little moving forward, more staying put and I guess that's okay.
Everyday, when he's working from home especially, I thank him for the things he does for me. Because I am grateful. And, I am so sorry that I am putting him and the kids through this. I don't think he thinks about the R. Well, I guess I don't know what he thinks because he very rarely expresses his emotional thoughts. He is here and that's good unless he is unhappy and just not saying. I really don't want that. I want him to be happy and able to express himself to the person he loves. He was able to talk about emotional things with the OW, things that were troubling him or exciting him. He doesn't do that with me except work stuff which I don't mind since it probably destresses him to vent it to someone. Since he could do it with OW, I can only then assume he just doesn't feel comfortable or able to do it with me so perhaps, he'll be able to find someone like the OW, but without all the baggage (like a M and children). Where that leaves me? I don't know because I could lose this battle then it won't matter except my children won't have a mother and my grandchildren will lose one of the grandmas. So, I fight this battle because I choose life and we'll see what lays on the other side of the hill.
It's hard to be the greener grass right now when I have no hair, feel reliant on everyone, tired from fighting this disease (radiation really left me exhausted in a way I have never felt --- tired yes, but also mentally and emotionally, even spiritually). I am getting past that, but still have the chemo ongoing. I had an MRI last week and it showed the tumour diminished, but not gone. After all that I had gone through --- operation, radiation and chemo for 6 weeks and still it's partially there. I'm sorry --- just venting! I'm usually pretty upbeat and positive. I am truly grateful that I have not had seizures in 5 months. I should be able to drive in a month's time. So, there are many positives.
Journalling .....
I was meditating/praying yesterday (I like to do it with the sound of the Gregorian monks chanting) and I asked G-d, generally, "why am I here? What is my purpose? I have just started getting it --- going to school, having such a good relationship with my middle daughter (things are just starting to look up, IOW). Why this disease now?" And I ask Him now, "have I fulfilled my purpose already?" Well, I got a feeling of an answer yesterday. My purpose in life is to love in spite of other's shortcomings, or mine. To try and see people as He sees them. Really hard to do --- I tried doing that with the people who have really hurt me in life. Hard, but doable. I was to even love myself in the same way. I was to break through to that. And now, whether I live or die, I am still to love because the universe is that. This is the purpose of everyone --- sure, we may have various destinies, but our purpose is Love. Hope I am making sense here. I just don't know how to put this into words.
Wait ... I am going to check a scripture that I am sure is there, about love. Here it is ---- 1 John 4:8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. And 19 We love Him, because He first loved us. In looking for these, I realise how many times this subject is mentioned in the Bible. Wow!
Well, those are my thoughts for the day.
My H had an accident mid-August. Got the fright of my life. He got injured trying to hook the boat up on a downhill and the boat slid into him and against the RV pinning him momentarily. We phoned 911 and he was quickly taken to ER. The doc said there was bruising and a little internal bleeding after taking X-rays and ultrasound. He still has a lot of pain, but seems to be mending. If he sneezes, however, it really hurts. They have him on some serious pain meds which he only takes when he is really hurting - naproxen and endocet. The boat hit him just to the side of his spine, so he was very lucky, in that sense.
This happened just after my D29 and grandchildren came to visit and we were preparing to go camping. Well, the camping was cancelled. My other D22 also came to visit with her little ones, so our whole family was together. I was so glad to have that happen because my D29 will possibly be going to Germany next year making it more difficult to visit her.
Dealing with this tumour, I tend to wonder, every time someone leaves, if I will see them again. Looking at my H's accident, it could've been the case for him, or something like spending the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Things can happen so suddenly and without warning.
I hope this post finds y'all healthy.
Hi there BeingMe
You sure are a courageous woman. You resemble my darling in that way for sure.
I do hope that your H is healing up well from his freak injury. That was really a dangerous and serious mishap. I can see why it was frightening to you.
May the Lord our God tend to all of your needs daily. May He bring you strength where you are so often weary. May He bring you compassion and love to be shared wth all those you come across in your daily journeys. May He renew your health and that of all your family. May He bless you in ways both big and small.
You and your family will be in my prayers.
T
I have just heard of the passing away of a dear friend --- my room-mate at the Cancer Lodge. I tried phoning her and then checked online and found a blog where someone had gone to her memorial. I am so sad I didn't see her again before she passed. She was so brave as she fought her own horrendous battle with cancer. She was such a new friend, but she made me feel as if I had known her forever.
H is away on business. It's hard to hear him on the phone. Maybe that's a metaphor for our M ---- far away and hard to hear.
((((((((((BM)))))))))))).
So sorry to hear of your loss
I too lost a old friend this week, however there was no sickness, just lack of fight any more. The part that was the saddest to me is that it was probably caused or driven by a M gone bad, not worked on, then never fixed. Fighting the demons of drugs is a no win sitch. This whole thing made me think of my friends back here who are still fighting the battle for their marriage.
Keep up the good fight.
We are sleeping in separate bedrooms. Still friends/family, though. Do everything together. Not sure where things are going, but then, that is life, isn't it?
Sorry to hear about this downturn in your R. I do that eventually your H will see the light.
((hugs)) One step at a time BeingMe. Did something happen?
Hi ACJ! No, nothing happened except my being tired of sharing a bed with a H who isn't just a teeny weeny romantic. I need as much positiveness in my life right now to help me fight this tumour, and feeling resentful every time I go to bed isn't helping me. So, I asked him to move to the spare room.
I just feel like we are best friends, family, but not lovers or even partners in a M. I almost feel like his child. He drives me everywhere, I rely on him financially and am clueless about it. He is kind and helpful, but he is not the H I married.
I am thinking of moving back to the city where my D22 lives. My two grandchildren are there and I have good friends and some family living there too. I think it would be good to have all that support. Not that I don't have friends here, but they are new and I'm uncertain of them. So, I don't like to burden them with any of my fears, issues, or stuff like that. Just have fun with them! Which is nice too.
I have to wait a year, however, until D16 finishes school. So, will be able to finish my second year of uni here and then transfer to the uni in other city.
So, the journey continues.
That's a very brave move to make but I commend you for it.
I can fully understand why you would want to move back closer to your family. Would D16 want to move back there?
There's the rub! D16 is off to college after next summer, so that's when I plan to go. I am hoping S22 and she will come with. There's a good art school there for D16. But, she has her plans, so I am only hoping. H intends coming with too. We will keep our house here and rent it out. Maybe buy an apartment there.
But, it's a year away and things can change. So, wait and see.
Happy Thanksgiving, Being Me. Stay positive, thinking of ya!
What's new Being Me? Still thinking of you
Just checking in to see how the battle is still going here in the trenches.
((((BM))))
I have hair!
Here is a poem I wrote a couple of years ago, for a church young women's Christmas event. It's about faith at Christmas time.
Christmas Faith
Faith is the answer to what cannot be seen,
a belief in our Heavenly Father and His Son,
who died on the cross so we may be clean,
rose from the grave, after two days and one.
Faith moved a fisherman to drop his net,
to follow the Savior throughout his quest,
to save the world from sin and death,
giving our lives to Him who knows best.
Faith is involved when a little child prays,
for something so small, we cannot relate,
we adults are impatient to know of His ways,
but God says have faith as a child and wait.
Faith is knowing that we are not alone,
God is our Lord, and Jesus our Saviour,
the Holy Ghost teaches of what should be known,
of joy, hope, and quietly guides our behaviour.
Faith is not deaf, or dumb, or blind,
it sees with a greater power, incandescent,
with our spirit we seek and hope to find,
how we might be saved, through Jesus' Atonement.
So, let faith guide us at this Christmas time,
yes, let's open our gifts and have some fun,
but also remember the Christ Child, sublime,
Our creator, Heavenly Father's only begotten Son!
Have an awesome Christmas, y'all. I will be thinking about you in your struggles, posting too, but I just wanted to let you know that sometimes, we have to "be as a child, and wait" for the miracles to come.
Love the poem, Being Me.
I just bought Joel Osteen's new book It's Your Time and the first lines I read were:
"When the bottom falls out and it looks like you hit an all-time low...when it just couldn't get any worse...you don't know what God has around the corner. That is not the time to get bitter. That's not the time to get negative. That is the time to put your shoulders back and boldly declare: "My time is coming, I am a victor and not a victim"
Take care of yourself
Yeah! All we have is today, and we should make the most of it. No-one knows what is going to happen tomorrow, or the next. God may call you home, or not, or there may be miracles that will amaze you, or it will just be your normal, everyday, lives, which are miracles in and of themselves.
Take care.
Well, it's 2010! Last year was full of surprises, good and bad.
-I loved having all my family together during the summer.
-My D22 gave birth to another grand-daughter.
-I have disliked the process of removing my tumour. I have an appointment next Monday to find out the result of the latest MRI. This is after 6 months of chemo after having radiation after having a biopsy op. I hope and pray that it's gone and that this year will be a tumour free one.
-I did well in all the courses I took in 2009.
-D17 got her gliding pilot wings. So proud.
-I have come to realize the wonder of life and how I love being here on earth, with my children and grandchildren, with all the beauty that surrounds us. I definitely choose Life.
-No change in the marriage, unfortunately. I think I will be leaving my H, one way or another, death or divorce. Sad that we could not get it together. But, he is still uncommunicative (except his job and discussing the kids), we ML once last year, I think he's still lying about OW (I don't check because I don't care anymore) and he isn't as supportive with what I am going through as I would like him to be. I guess, I shouldn't expect too much. Usually, I would make jokes about the tumour, or laugh at the treatment (radiation was a hoot), and that is my way of dealing with it. On the very rare occasion, when I tell him that I am frightened, or hate the taste the chemo leaves, or anything negative, he tells me not to feel that way. Good grief! How should I feel? (It would be nice for him to say, "I am sorry that you are going through this frightening disease," and then give my a hug and say, "I am here for you". Wouldn't that be what a loving H would say. He's not mean when he says "don't feel that way", just totally unaware of how it makes me feel. Sometimes, I tell him not to tell me how I should feel, but he doesn't get the underlying hint. Ugh! It's causing stress in me, and D17 and I had a huge fight the other day because I felt she didn't understand that I was feeling down, and could she just leave 'it' alone. But, it's not her journey, its mine and she shouldn't have to be the brunt of my frustration.
So, I think I shall be leaving the M. I just need to get this disease under control, and then I'll be able to deal with other issues in my life. I don't think H cares one way or the other. It'll just be a matter of logistics, and letting the kids know. I am drained, emotionally. I don't feel romantic love for him or from him --- I care about him, like I would a brother or really good friend or as a child of God. But, as a H, I just don't see it anymore. The last 5 years of my life has been a waste of time, marriage-wise, but I try not to be regretful of my choices. I did get to go to uni, and meet some lovely people, and my daughter has done so well here. Happy my S22 stayed here, but sad D22 went back. This disease showed me how well my S22 and D17 coped with the seizures and taking care of me when I couldn't. Although, I hate that they had to do so, since I am quite an independent person. H did not get to see the worst of it since he travels a lot for work. But, he did see my worst seizure in the emergency room, after one I had a couple of hours previously. Quite shocking to him, but I was out of it, so was unaware.
I wrote a poem from the perspective of a person having a seizure, so here it is (sometimes I think this is what my M is like, and definitely when the bomb dropped):
------------------------------------
The FitA voice whispers my name. I turn
and the world shrinks into a whirl,
only the centre is clear.
This is the vortex of my aura,
around which I know that
a seizure is near.
I rush to safety, before the attack.
Suddenly, my body is ripped;
torn in two, one side lame,
the other jerking in electric spasms.
And before the darkness closes,
the two I became, come face to face;
and,
I,
die.
Grasping air, I come out of the fit.
Concerned faces surround me, asking,
“who are you, what is your name?”
(To gauge my clarity.)
Who am I? I have no clue,
I am confused, until
slowly my mind clears.
I taste blood in my ragged, torn mouth,
and realize what had happened.
Quickly, my hand gropes my groin.
I am distressed, ashamed,
of wetting myself, but I sigh.
This time, triumphantly,
I am dry.
------------------------------------
So! This year, I pray for the absence of the tumour, further good health for myself and family and friends, continued good results at university, ability to be independent, clarity as to what my next steps will be, and inspiration. Please Lord, give me the inspiration to know what to do, angels to guide my feet in the right direction and wisdom to know what to say.
Take care everyone --- and I sure do hope and pray for the same for y'all as I do myself.
The tumour is gone. I go for another MRI in six months time, and I guess that will be the case for some time. I am grateful, thankful and looking forward to not worrying about things like chemo. Yay!
Now, what to do about H?
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!! That is great news. Maybe try to relax and be content tonight - you have lots of time to worry about how to deal with H. Celebrate!
BM, I've "seen" you on Future's thread and "looked you up." I've only read your last few posts so I'm in no position to give advice.
This part of your post stood out...
On the very rare occasion, when I tell him that I am frightened, or hate the taste the chemo leaves, or anything negative, he tells me not to feel that way. Good grief! How should I feel? (It would be nice for him to say, "I am sorry that you are going through this frightening disease," and then give my a hug and say, "I am here for you". Wouldn't that be what a loving H would say. He's not mean when he says "don't feel that way", just totally unaware of how it makes me feel. Sometimes, I tell him not to tell me how I should feel, but he doesn't get the underlying hint. Ugh!
I'm not making excuses for your H. As you know, us men are kinda wired differently.... I get the impression that he's clueless on how to express himself, this is why he asks you "not to feel that way."
Please forgive me if I'm repeating something that may have been discussed before, but, have you tried simply telling him what to say to you at times like that. It's difficult for us men "to get it." We don't work well with subtle hints.
CONGRATULATIONS on the tumor being gone! That's wonderful news! I truly wish you all the best. Good health and peace for this year and the ones that follow.
((( BM )))
Hi Gnosis! Thanks for putting in your opinion ---- much appreciated! I don't think you're making excuses for my H. However, I have tried telling him exactly what I expect from him in other situations and he failed to respond. I was scared, and stressed myself and needed my H to be there for me in a deeper and more emotional way. Telling at that time would've been more than I could've been able to do. I don't think anyone on this board has tried more than me, to find ways of communicating with H. I even went on a man's sexual forum because I thought that was his 'love language' --- he was addicted to porn for quite some time at the beginning of our marriage for which he got help eventually -- that was the start of all the problems we have. I got some great tips, but it didn't help much. In fact, as you can see, we have not ML since Feb. last year, and before that, hardly ever for the previous 3 years. Emotionally, and sexually, he is a lousy H, but he is a fairly good dad, a good provider and he is fun sometimes when going out with friends (not so much when just with me --- I have to coax him). I have not been the best of wives --- I reacted badly to the porn. I certainly had baggage of my own going into the M. But, I always tried to listen, when he had anything to say, which was mostly about his day at work or what steps he should take in his career, etc. I don't think there's much more I can do. I doubt he loves me in a romantic way, and I don't think I do either. If he tried romanticizing me now, I wouldn't know how to react ---- it's been too long since I requested that need.
He is a good friend by what I see with his friends. This has all become tiresome. Maybe, I should just aim for friendship. That seems to be where he shines. I don't know. I wanted to get through this health issue, and then see how I felt. I want my freedom, but I'm going to have to go slow. I have to think of D17 ---- she was badly effected 5 years ago when we were going through all this madness. I also have to think of finances, since he is in control of all financial things (no discussion with me, or doing a budget discussion with me --- I have very little input except that my name is on the mortgage, and our account is dual, at least the one I know about, where I buy groceries, etc. I don't have my own credit card, but one that is attached to his. So, I probably don't have much of a credit score).
Anyway, not sure what I'm going to do, or when. I am just letting the health thing sink in. I have to finish my BA degree too. I may just ask for a in-house separation. That way, I get my own money (alimony) where I can start building a credit history. He doesn't have to pay a separate mortgage or rent. He travels a lot so is often not here, anyway. Later, we can look at D or whatever.
The tumour is gone. I go for another MRI in six months time, and I guess that will be the case for some time. I am grateful, thankful and looking forward to not worrying about things like chemo. Yay!
Now, what to do about H?
I am so happy for you and what the Lord is causing to happen in your life.
This is so great to hear. Give thanks and praise the our great God.
You must be breathing a sigh of some relief. Live it up BeingMe.
T
hey dear ol' friend, prayers your way))))))
Thanks Cat! I spoke to H again on Sunday. I said I was done ... that something needed to change. I wasn't going to waste anymore time on a M that was not working ... for me or him. I said to him, "surely, you aren't happy either." He agreed, but had no solution. He left Sunday night for two days on business. I just don't know what to do. He contacts me by phone as usual, says ily at the end of conversations as usual. I feel like I have wasted 4 years and all for nothing. His brother is coming for a visit this week, and after that, I will be moving H into the spare room. I can't live like this is a normal M anymore. Once he is out of my room, I will think what the next step will be. I still want him as a friend because I care about him, but I don't think I love him anymore. I have nothing left to give him, emotionally.
I feel like he didn't even half try, but he seems to think he did.
I am going to need all your prayers again. The next few months, I think, are going to be difficult. But, I think this M is causing me more stress then leaving it will.
ANy chance of MC so he can hear your needs?
i'll keep you in my prayers hon
I may suggest Retrouiville to him. There is one fairly nearby in March.
Hi BeingMe,
Sorry I've not checked in for what seems like a very long time. I'm so glad about the good health news, so glad. And sorry nothing has improved in your M. I've been reading (well, listening to) some really powerful books on peace & relationships...if you like, I'll send them over on FB. Thinking of ya hon--take care.
yo Aud! you are in FB? wish I could find you girl, hugs)))))
Hey Being Me, what's new. Did you do the Retro-whatever-ville thing with hubby? Is that like Medieval Times where you all dress up like Lords and Ladies...uh, maybe not eh. Just thinking out loud.
Hi Wii (and Cat) --- no, we haven't done it yet. But, H is open to it. He has been working really hard since he went independent, so he has to find his own consultations. Making more money, but it is stressful. Still, it's what he likes.
I am still at school, doing my creative writing and enjoying it. H not really interested in reading my work, "oh well".
Wow, the fact that he is willing to go is impressive! Does he think it's a Medieval Times too?
It's been a day of reflection for me this Easter Monday. H is away on business and will return on Friday night, then leave again next Sunday for another week. It's like our M --- sometimes he's present and other times, very much NOT!
Be prepared for a whine fest fellow dbusters ....
I wonder how authentic my M was ---- I feel like I have been battling just to know my H in any kind of meaningful way. He is not a person who shares feelings or is very intimate (in a non-sexual way). When we were first married, I thought I knew everything about him. Boy, was I wrong. The longer we were married, the further he got away from me, the quieter he was, and the more he found satisfaction through sexual images, although that has been a long time past (that I know of), I got more clingy, or argumentative, or distant. Isn't that strange?
Then I decided that I needed to know myself, to take care of me, and just as I was doing that, H had the EA. That was 5 years ago and so much has happened since. I have come to the conclusion that my M might never be restored --- not in a true sense anyway. Yes, we are still together, but we don't share feelings, there is no intimacy (sexual or other), and all we talk about is his work and the kids. He is not interested in what I am studying ---- is so obviously bored when I bring it up, that I have stopped discussing it. Although, I slip up sometimes, until I get the blank look on his face.
I am so glad that I have classes to go to because if I didn't, I would've gone crazy a long time ago. Even while 'watching' tv, he has his laptop on the coffee table, working during the ad breaks.
Thankfully, I have my two kids who are still at home --- S22 and D17. My D22 phones me often, and she is interested in me and my doings, as I am interested in her and the grandkids. It's so nice to have reciprocal conversations. However, I miss my friends from our previous city where we lived for quite a long time. I have been unable to match those friendships here ---- I guess, it takes time to develop these relationships. Even though I am happy at school, there are very few people my age who are students. I rather have more in common with the profs, but one can't have friendships with them, so there you are. Whine, whine, whine.
Life! Sometimes it is so awesome, and sometimes it sucks. But, without the sucky parts, who would know the joyous times, 'eh!? I love life and will always enjoy learning and being fascinated by new things. I just have to come to terms with the reality of my M. And, I think that's 75% there. One thing I do know is that I probably will not be having
ever again in this life. And I am okay with that, finally. Doesn't bother me in the least.
Hope y'all had a good Easter and remembered the reason for it. Although chocolate is good too.
PS It was our 24th anniversary last week. Yay, us!
muah! horay for you in school, just went back myself
I haven't posted on my thread in awhile. Just saw your post Cat .... thanks, and awesome that you've gone back to school. I just love it. Sure keeps my poor, battered brain active. What classes are you taking?
As for my M ... no changes really. Still trying to get him to work with me as a team re finances. He always gets defensive, but he is improving with his responses. I'm not sure if I love him anymore, in that romantic, breathless way that I used to ... you know, like when I couldn't wait for him to come home from work. I am still glad when he returns from a trip, but it's pretty bland, no excitement. But, I do love him and care about him as a very dear friend and family member. I think he's starting to notice when I didn't go with to pick him up from the airport ... S22 did so. I was studying, and didn't see the point in two people going. That would never have happened previously.
I am so glad that I am allowed to drive now. One never realizes how much it is a privilege until it's taken away.
So, this is where I stand. Trying to get fit, lose weight, last child graduating this year, have the whole summer of thinking to do, reading, writing, have another MRI to get through and praying the tumour is still gone, etc.
An optimist is the human personification of spring. - Susan J. Bissonette, and spring is here, and I am trying to be optimistic about life because I love it, love learning new things, experiencing adventures, etc. Still wish it could've been different where my M is concerned, but not much more I can do about it.
Take care y'all.
I need some advice! Lately, H has been dismissive, impatient and sometimes sharp in responses with me in conversation or when I ask him something. He has no interest in my life, what I am doing, etc. He has been doing this in front of friends now. I, of course, suspect he has OW. I am tired of it all. Of waiting for him to come around .... it's been 5 years of no change despite the fact that he said things would be better if we came here. I have wasted valuable time on someone who just doesn't care. I could've been doing something else, living a more authentic life without wishing things were different with him. Well, it's done now ... can't bring all that time back. I have to move forward, and I feel it is the right time now, to end this marriage. It's not a real marriage, anyway.
I'm not sure how to proceed. should I email him and lay it out. Or, should I wait until we have a chance to talk? In an email I can think about what I want to say, rather than blustering my way through conversation about the end of our M.
This is what I want to say:
"Dear H, five years ago, you begged me to stay your wife and said coming to this place would be a fresh start. You promised it would all be okay in our M, and that you loved me and wanted us to stay together as a family. You did all you could to get here, then once we were here, you backed off on any promises you made. I have waited patiently for you to be the man I hoped you could be. But, for me, you are not anymore. Maybe for another woman, you might start over and be that man, but I suspect things will start out well, and it will end up just like us because you refuse to change for anyone or even meet one halfway or discuss issues and problems. For me, you are no longer that team player and partner you once were.
So, what to do? I am no longer happy in this M. I haven't been in a very long time. Having the tumour made me initially not want to make any changes, but now when I think of all the wasted years, it makes me want to leave this miserable M and see what life I can make without you, emotionally. Financially and as parents we will always be tied, and I will try my best to lessen the first as much as possible once (I so hope) I get my new career going. You did promise to pay for my classes, but I won't hold you to that. I will try and pay for them out of alimony money. All of that side of the end of our M will have to be discussed and organised. But, I do not expect to leave a pauper, and do expect your children to still have an involved father. If there is another woman, I hope she doesn't take you away from the kids and grandkids. But, that will be up to you.
I am sorry it has come to this. I loved you passionately during our 24 year marriage, but now I just feel sad that I don't love you at all. I care about you as the father of our children, and as a dear friend that I hope we can become eventually. Too many lies and wasted opportunities to set things right, has left me untrusting, and suspicious. And that has killed the love I had. I regret it, but I doubt I can change it, nor if I want to. I just now want the opportunity to live a happy life with what time I have left, and I am hoping for many more years.
So, H, I wish you well. I wish you happiness and I think you will find it if you do some thinking and changing. You cannot live life always hiding from the people you say you love. I am sure none of this is a shock to you. I doubt you love me particularly .... I hope you care about me too .... but I have felt the lack of love and romance and it hurt, but it doesn't anymore. Twenty four years is a long time being together as a couple, so let's end it with dignity, showing the children how it can be done.
Your wife, BM"
I think I will move my thread to "I'm thinking about leaving".
... or MLC where there is more traffic. I really feel I need some help here, and you guys have been really awesome with other people.
wow BM, this makes me sad to see. I have fear myself sometimes that I will be wasting my time as well in my marriage and I will fall out of love with my H. After waiting over 3 years for him to come out of the fog.
Have you sat down recently and discussed how unhappy you are with him?
Over the last 5 years, I have approached him on a yearly basis to let him know that I am not happy. But, it doesn't change. We don't ML or have fun. I think he's putting on a mask for the children. He doesn't want them to think he's a failure. I don't know anymore. All I know is that he made promises that were unkept, he is a total hypocrite because my D22's bf lies, and yet her father is the biggest one of all. I sit there while he spews his self-righteousness about the bf, and he doesn't realise that he may be more passive, but he is a worse partner than he.
I just don't love him anymore, and I think I can't stand being married to him one more year.
Haven't been here in awhile BeingMe...sorry I haven't stopped by earlier. Have you given him the letter?
Sorry, late to the party too. How did the letter go over? It is quite interesting that he can't see how much he is just like the D22's BF. I'll check back and put in my 2 cents worth.