Stage 5, Acceptance, II - DivorceBusting.com

Preparing a new thread.

Quote:

"Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and
solitude expresses the glory of being alone."
- Paul Tillich

The aloneness is the same whether we're suffering loneliness or enjoying solitude. The magical difference is in our attitude toward ourselves.

Today is my nephew's birthday party.

Journal only:

Text today:
Me: I am available to take the kids to 'nephew's' birthday party.

W: I'm sure you are (implying I have no work).

FIB

If it is journaling only, does that mean I shouldnt reply?

Oh well, I am anyway, if thats ok. Let me ask you something. Why did you even text her? If the kids need someone to take them, who would be responsible for setting that up? Just curious.

If it's her for this particular thing, why not just let her text you? And do you know for sure that was her implication? I hope you didnt respond. You said you were available, now she knows it, so I say, let it drop, ya know? Dont feed into her and her stupid games. She knows just how to get to you, I think. Dont let her, my friend.

You can reply. I needed to let her know that I was able to take the kids to my nephews party. She hates my sister.

S'OK BM. I was verbally attacked tonite because I brought my son's friend home from the movie for a playdate. My son only had reading tonite. The boy's father was in agreement and they both wanted a playdate. My W attacked this, again, in full ear shot of the kids.

This time I taped part of her outburst.

I'm beginning to dislike my W. I'm sorry.

FIB

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UNACCEPTABLE LANGUAGE.

POSTER HAS BEEN BANNED

deleted

Hey ford, I'm originally from Brooklyn, so I can curse with the best of them if I want to. And FIB's wife may be all those things, but as a woman, the c word is just really and truly degrading to hear.

FIB, you need to get the heck out of that house. In the meantime, it is not ok for her to verbally attack you, particularly in front of the kids. It is good that you taped it.

Let me ask you this, if I may. What are the parameters that you two have regarding the kids right now. Are there any? Like - do you have your days and she hers? You need to discuss this and figure it out while you are still in the house. Remember it is about the kids. Does she want you to run it by her before you schedule playdates on school nights. Do you?

It is not unreasonable to me if either of you do that. As a mother, I would want to know if my child was having a playdate.
I would think you would also.

You need to tell her that you and she have to sit down and discuss this for the sake of the children so that there are not any more outbursts while you are living together. It is not ok for the kids to have to live with that.

And for the record, I dont like your wife either. I have sucked it up and bitten my tongue and lived with a man for 19 motnhs without a bad word out of my mouth for the sake of my son and he is 18. She needs to get herself under control and start acting like a mother.

Quote:

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UNACCEPTABLE LANGUAGE.

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...sigh....

Welcome back to Kindergarten boys and girls...

Sometimes I hate this stupid place and their moronic ideas...

FIB, how you doing my friend. Guess we have to talk "real" talk on the other site.

This place here is just for the touchy-feely-ain't life grand stuff.

Blessings,

Bill

Originally Posted By: ford

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UNACCEPTABLE LANGUAGE.

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Wow

Shot down for "Free Speach" $\:\($

If Virginia perhaps would have took the time to know FORD, she would know he is one of the most kindest, speak from the heart (bull in a china shop) man there is.

Maybe thier censor button needs to be checked?

((((Angel)))

FIB, I hear ya...

Jeanette

Hey um, that post was really unreal. Pretty bad even for ford.

Bad, yes.

Delete it.

Don't ban the guy.

Makes no sense.

Like I said, it's kindergarten all over again. You don't like what we write, delete it. Lord knows they've exercised their deleting powers PLENTY of times since I've been on this board.

But don't send someone packing.

Don't suppose there's any chance that Ford's tirade had to do with some crap he might have been dealing with?

Oh wait, we'll never know. He's been banned.

...great call

Bill

Originally Posted By: Bworl

Lord knows they've exercised their deleting powers PLENTY of times since I've been on this board.

But don't send someone packing.

Don't suppose there's any chance that Ford's tirade had to do with some crap he might have been dealing with?

Ditto

Hey, I don't know ford off this site and am only saying what I saw. Very offensive to any woman even for ford. Maybe one of you could ask ford if there was some other communication between him and Virginia before he was banned. It seems there is usually a way to get reinstated after banning.
Anyway, no reason for me to argue about it with anyone. $\:\)$

FIB, is it legal to tape a convo/outburst from your W? will it be evidence on your side? Long ago someone suggested a nannycam.

I hope that not many of you read that post before I deleted it. If you had seen it, there would be no question in your mind that it was extremely vulgar and way out of line. Such language is neither accepted nor tolerated on this site.

Well, by all means, the next time one of my students does something in class that is just WAY out of line, something that no one would EVER tolerate, we'll just boot that kids butt right out of school.

You know, we learn about knee jerk reactions to situations that provoke us inside. We learn that rather than responding in an overly harsh manner, in the heat of our shock over the action, that perhaps we should fix the immediate problem, THEN try to find out why it happened.

Ford has been on this site a long time. He has been befriended by many. His posts are typically short, to the point, and provide a clear, down to earth viewpoint about what's going on. He's been through his version of this ringer, just like most of the rest of us. He is sometimes salty, but this is an adult board, and he has never before written with words that many other s have not also used.

I DID see the post, and it was very coarse. And I know that the one word in particular is quite offensive, particularly to women.

My first thought after saying WOW to myself, was that it sounded like Ford might have been on a bit of drinking spell. I wondered if maybe something bad had happened to him, or if, like many of us, he was simply being revisited by some old ghosts again.

You all wield your power much too much like dictators. I KNOW this is your site. I KNOW you make the rules.

How about you try to find some understanding and compassion too?

Or is that NOT part of how you choose to deal with things?

Did you wonder, even for one single second, if perhaps the person who posted the comment had recently experienced some personal trauma of some kind? Did you think at all to look back at his other posts to see if this is an ongoing pattern of behavior, or if this was something totally off the wall for this person?

Or did you even care?

No one was mortally wounded if they read those words. Offended, yes. And no one should have to read those words. But we are not fragile children here who have never heard such language before. I am not justifying the use of the words.

My point is that there was perhaps more going on here than the words. But I'm not sure that you even cared or considered that.

Not that this is ANYTHING unusual for this place.

Many of us TOLERATE the sometimes incredibly childish way we are treated, because we so value the company of the people we've come to befriend here.

Deleting the post was a good move.

Banning Ford was a knee jerk reaction done by someone who has no interest in the people who inhabit this site.

Blessings,

Bill

Well, YIKES!! I missed all the action and dang, I didn't see it...except I read he used the "c" word and Bill, I agree that it clearly needed deleting...but you raise an interesting point about Ford's history and what might have set him off...

Okay, back to FIB...oh wait, what were we talking about??
I literally forgot. I'll go read the posts and come back later...
(( j ))

Ford's a smart guy. Willing to bet he knew he might be punished.

We pick our battles and hills.

I disagree with the banning, but eh...it's not my sandbox.

We have another.

Okay I remember...FiB and crazy wife's tirade in front of the kids..and him taping it. I hope she saw the tape recorder cuz it'll shut her up, or make her nuttier and both things benefit you legally, unless she gets tooo crazy. Seriously, you don't have a gun do you? (You can tape her, you consented right? And if you did it in front of her, all the better. She knew she was being taped and went wacko anyhow...great self control...)

She had no excuse for ranting in public and your son and friend must have been mortified. OMG what a nightmare. Have you considered using your L to call her L to discuss things like child care? I KNOW IT COSTS A LOT PEOPLE!! But she's crazy! And if she sees the bills mounting and "her cut shrinking" then maybe she'll get a grip. It's the only thing that will reach her and if it doesn't reach her but at least eases FIB's life, then I say it's money and well spent. (And I'm not even licensed in NY)

how long FIB, how long?? Oh you said about late spring...end of April? So less than 100 days? I want to make a paper chain with links for each day (if you were Christian you'd know that our kids make those for "days until Christmas" but since you are not, I thought I'd tell you)....I WANT TO MAKE A PAPER CHAIN TO FIB'S DAY OF LIBERATION.... and yes I think I'll buy a bottle of bubbly...

((( j )))

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFIVNwiq8ls

Is it possible to just have Ford in detention for a week or so and then let him back if he writes an essay explaining what he did wrong in his post?

FIB -

Tough situation man.

I am still reminded of my brother using tape recordings from his answering machine to help get custody of his son. His XW was so full of anger that she used to call the answering machine up just to argue with it. Pretty funny actually to listen to because you could hear her anger building to the point where she would hang up in a rage. Then she would call the answering machine back to continue her rant only to hang up again. When the judge heard it, he just said "Oh my". My brother ended up getting full custody mainly because his X threatened to "kick the ass" of the evaluation counselor if she did not give a good recommendation to the judge. They had an armed guard next to the counselor when they met in front of the judge.

I can only hope that your W messes up big time too and shows her true colors to the divorce court.

KK,

My what a lovely image to remind me of why I'll never do family law...umm, yes indeed.
( j )

PS...brilliant brilliant to leave those messages! I had a male client play some messages for me from his stbxw, and I swear to God I carried a gun for a month after the hearing... and never got paid extra now that I think of it...but what made me get scared the most was when I imagined a MAN leaving a message like those...and I realized that there are just as many crazy women. Just smaller.Usually.

I would disagree with the "in front of her face" with the recorder. I understand the deterrent. But frankly(no pun), I think it would just give FIB's W the idea to go out and get her own recorder and record EVERYTHING he says. Then head out to the editing studio and Tada! Here comes the circumstantial evidence.

Now FIB can't even speak about his kids for fear of what it might be turned into. Nope. Keep the recording covert, and definitely check it out through the L. In fact, if the L is that good and it is legal, why didn't she suggest it?? Makes me wonder about the legality of it. Best checked out before using it.

N.

First, To Virginia...

If you have ever spoken with ford..and I have..you would know that he went through a terrible time at one point, like all of us. You would know that he is a warm, funny guy and with a sense of humor (perhaps salty) as Bill described. He is supportive and as many women here have their female supports, ford has been one of my 'givers of strength'.

As Bill said above, ford usually calls it as he sees it...short..brief...humorous...and most times, ON THE MONEY. Was the post crass. Yes. Should he be banned? No.

Now..in order to make clear the line that you don't know a man until you walk in his shoes, Bill was dead on. ford is going through difficult times right now.

Sanction, yes. Ban...no. I respectfully request that he be reinstated.

To others here re: me. Without lying nor trying to make me be Mr. Wonderful, my W has nothing left but to cause pain and anger and start fights everyday.
-I leave her alone
-I do positive things for her...even cleaned her windshield off the other day. It is returned with acid and rhetoric

As you can see, it seems to have picked up over the last few weeks. I'm not sure why. Am I moving on better? Did she get dumped? Can she see me happy now? Or has SHE moved on and she just wants out and is trying to get me to leave? Dunno.

I'm just tired of her being an emotional drain and there is nothing I can do about except stay strong and keep things moving along.

As for taping it..it is legal in the State of NY. I do it only for my own protection right now. For the first time in a while, I can easily say that my wife has a problem.

FIB

FIB, I know it is very difficult with young children in the house, but try to have as little contact with her as possible - texting, phone calls, try not to be in the same room if you dont have to - because your w has let the cuckoo out of the clock.

As far as Ford's post - not a fan of the word he used, but, we are all adults here and I think we can take it. Banning him for it is wrong. Come on already!

I did not see the post, but I have an idea what the C word was and why it is deragatory in the context. Pretty strange word actually. When I was in the Coast Guard we sometimes wore Garrison caps but they were always referred to as "C word caps" or "fore and aft caps".

FIB/KK,

I was in the Army as a JAG Corps officer female (don't get me started with the nick names we had, but one woman suggested the name of our softball team be the "jagoffs" and never understood why she got outvoted...) And the hat you are referring to, I think is going out the wayside, thank GOD.

Taping her? His L says it's fine but what's confusing to some people is forgetting that fib is not the government and this is not a criminal trial where rules of evidence are the strictest. As for not letting her know, first of all she cannot get an "edited" tape admitted but rather than getting bogged down in the legalities of it, focus on the issue of deterrence, and triggers. What I hear you saying FIB is that you think it would trigger an escalation of some sort on her end, and since we ALL agree she is in her own galaxy now, it makes sense to keep your cards to your chest. (But I would love to see her face if you played some of her craziness out loud for her...Oh, my older sister did that once 40 years ago after my dad had an outburst and she played it out for all of us to hear what we had just heard. My dad was sooo mortified. It deeply troubled him. But she got grounded...so go figure...)

FIB, keep your helmet on and keep ducking. I'd put a happy face here but I'm not sure how. And fwiw, I agree with you about the DB facebook thing. Except for getting in touch with someone privately, which they don't allow here, why do it? Seems risky to me and redundant. Plus I need the privacy this place provides. Am I missing something?

(( j ))

Originally Posted By: Jeanette1120

Originally Posted By: Bworl

Lord knows they've exercised their deleting powers PLENTY of times since I've been on this board.

But don't send someone packing.

Don't suppose there's any chance that Ford's tirade had to do with some crap he might have been dealing with?

Ditto

And... If that is the case Ford can speak with Virginia and clarify it. We need to stop jumping all over these moderators for doing there job and back the hell off. AmyC was banned, she's still here. Others who were banned were invited to communicate about it and chose not to. Let Virginia do her job and quit complaining. I do not see any of you chastising Ford for an outrageous post. I love ford, respect him greatly, his post was ban worthy and when he explains himself I am sure they will be reasonable with him.

Sorry to hijack FIB, just sick and damn tired of tangents every time one of these moderators does what they are supposed to do in their job. It just drives me bonkers.

For you FIB, I really hate that you have to deal with this all the time. I know why, and I understand what you are doing my friend. I just hate that you have to play witness to it and that yoru kids are now being affected. It just isn't right.

Ian

Tough to chastise someone who's no longer here Ian.

And honestly, I think it's ok to express our opinions about it.

Never really understood when someone gets on a thread and tells someone else to stop posting how they feel about something.

But I'll drop it.

You can hit me up on fb if you want to trade volleys on this one.

Sorry for the hijack FIB.

Hijack Smighjack!!

Let's do an APPEAL for Ford...or a petition...or blog our protests, or file big fat "briefs", or just sue someone!!!

( j )

I cannot escape the bashing. Today, D5 walks out to the bus and holds onto the mailbox gingerly...a lot of snow and ice at the base of the driveway. W walks out to help her get on the bus and returns.

W: (nasty voice) We're the ONLY HOUSE ON THE BLOCK WITH ICE AT THE BASE OF THE DRIVEWAY!!!!!

(translated, you lazy no good for nothing SOB).

I had a lot of reponses that poppped up in my head:
-yeah..there IS a lot of ice at our house
-get a job, buy some salt and get to work
-if you weren't too busy banging little boys in the backseats of cars....

But that's the little boy inside.

He is silenced.

It hurt...because that is something I'm working on....not letting her affect me...but...I said nothing.

FIB

FIB,
So let me get this straight your W whose banging other men stays home? And she's bitching at YOU for ice at the bottom of the driveway...huh...wow, MLC never stops amazing me!

Your W is throwing the best man she will ever have out of her life. I'm sorry she is still hurting you.

-J

You know FIB, I think some people (like your W) actually thrive on or are addicted to anger. And as you are doing so well, the best thing is to not feed their anger with a response.

There was a Fleets enema in the garbage basket in the bathroom tonite.

'Nuf said.

FIB

FIB, that was absolutely perfect - not responding. Keep it up. I do believe she is thriving on getting to you - makes her feel better and then she can try to justify it all in her teeny tiny head.

She is really starting to p*ss me off.

Now you know what to get her for next Christmas...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51vtQLydDxs

Experiencing the endless seige of anger from a MLCer never makes sense, and takes one's last breath away. But that is what fine people must endure during the crisis, and FIB is one fine dude.

We have all taken our turns trying to explain the root causes of the MLC's low self esteem, self medicating with sex and substances or shopping, and such on other threads. One thing that doesn't get as much post time on a lot of threads as it probably will here, is the MLC's endless need to "punish" the one they feel is most responsible for their unhappiness. Yes, the one closest by, in this case FIB.

No apologies or changed behaviors will suffice. "Too little too late" is the tattoo. And there seems to be an eternal need to remind the one responsible of just how worthless they are. It must certainly make the MLCer feel much better, since they do choose to pursue this abuse at every opportunity. The absolute worst possible result of all this abuse is that children might be misled by it. The next worst possible result is that the LBS victim may begin to believe any of it, and lower their own self confidence or esteem to the standard being set by the MLCer.

Never let it happen. Always consider the source. Put it all in perspective, and then Live The Better Life. That action is one that kids will eventually come to know as the normal parent.

If you clean the end of the drive because it needs it, ok. Do not apologize or expect any recognition. That is what the guy on either side of you got for his efforts, from his normal spouse. Or heck, maybe she cleaned their drive. I hear it happens when it is that important!

What W2 said...except I do wonder about how "good" it makes the WAS really feel. Yes, it must do something for them b/c they sure like to launch attacks daily and the anger really doesn't belong in this galaxy, and yet FIB keeps getting it...

yet something tells me in FIB"s sitch, it reminds me of the Terminator when the attack/machine started to melt and didn't know what to do so it kept changing forms; she throws out diff insults and flings crap onto FIB hoping it'll "fit" b/c she knows she is circling the drain...and if he isn't the really really bad guy and her family is falling apart....then, oh my.

getting more desparate. That's the word I'd use, desparate. And afraid, and sooooo furious. Like I say, keep your helmet on...

((( hugs )))
j-

Was2sad...25...great posts. That is my problem..personally..which I am working on...the continued beatings. They have become abusive.

Originally Posted By: Bermuda Pirate T-shirt

The beatings will continue until morale improves

This mornings beatings:
1) The kids and I woke up and were watching Horton Hears a Who before school. It is my week on the couch. I went upstairs to pick out clothes for S8. On the way down, XXX was on the way up...and reached over to grab his clothes out of my hand.

2) In dictatorial fashion, long outstretched arm and pointing to the stove: "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO CLEAN UP THOSE POTS ON THE STOVE. THEY'RE FERMENTING. (well, I am guilty on this one...I had filled a pot with detergent to soak off the grease and they should have been cleaned already, but, wouldn't a "please clean those pots" have been nicer? ) FUHGEDDABOUDDIT.

I said nothing. There is nothing I can say or do that will have any type of a positive or constructive outcome.

Part of this is probably emanating from the trips we are taking the kids on. About two weeks ago, D5 started talking about our ski strip. XXX went nuts and booked a weekend trip to the Bahamas as if in competition. On the rec of my L, I typed up a letter listing both our itineraries and adding that the parents would have the kids call each parent once a day and any other time that they are missing the other parent. I also requested her to list an emergency contact number. The paper has yet to be signed and returned to me. I am taking the kids to Maine for a few days of skiing with my buddy "Anthony".

FIB
"Shaken, but not stirred"

Well....

"WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP BEING A PSYCHO?" but you know, that probably would not be very dbing...

I'm useless tonight. All I want to do is give her snappy one liners...sorry FIB.

( j )

FIB,
sent you an email.

(( j ))

All quiet on the western front last night. Will meet with my IC on Sunday. Told her I want to discuss her continued provocations and methods to deal with it until we split.

FIB

that's a nice focussed topic. The more specifics you can get on that, the better. You def don't want to blow it now with an overreaction (which would be totally understandable....) so the best thing to do is the prep work you are doing...

And how's GAL going? Any bagpipes lately?

((( j )))

My GAL:
1) coaching my daughter's girl's lacrosse team on Sundays, K, 1 and 2
2) ordered a new set of reeds for my Dhuan fireside bagpipes
Fireside pipes (mine only have 2 drones)
3) continued exercising
4) coaching baseball in spring
5) working with my hands again..several wood projects with my son

FIB

I wish I had two drones...

oh wait, what are we talking about? $;\)$

(( j ))

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

I wish I had two drones...

oh wait, what are we talking about? $;\)$

(( j ))

Now Bee good....

My L called me at around 4:30 today. My STBXW threatened me with going to court on Monday if I didn't curtail MY vacation by one day. I told her my plans way in advance and then she rushed to book her Bahamas vacation the day after I was coming back.

Their argument was that a snowstorm could delay her departure. Sure....I couldn't understand it either but my L told me it was court on Monday and fees or 'don't nitpick, turn the kid's passports over to them and agree to leave on Wed (I was coming back on Thurs;she departs on Fri.)

There you have it. Torture.

FIB

Thank God you have the IC on Sunday.

I don't know what to say...

I just don't know what to say to help you b/c I am so bugged and I am not you! I'm not living there and yet I want to scream at her, wth is wrong here??

What possible goal@#$%^& what??? I don't get it. Go to court and ask a rational judge to explain how YOU coming back EARLY makes HER departure snow proof...I mean WTH??!!!@#$%^&* There, I said it!

I'm baffled. I'm flummoxed. I'm bewildered. I'm perplexed....(and I have no thesaurus around so I'm done). Oh, I'm also really angry at her. She is really getting so pathological and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Maybe it'd be more helpful to you if I said to just shrug it off and have a blast with the kids and do NOT let her see the anger in you. (Call your sisters, they must be fuming...) You know, what else can you do?

You can go to court and you will. Let the L talk and let the judge see your w's "maternal" issues. Maybe it won't go her way....Her anger at you reminds me of my my former sil I told you about. I wanted to maintain a R with my nieces after my brother's divorce.

But when I would visit them, my xsil would tell me, in front of the kids, how much she "hated" my brother, their DAD. I felt I was actually worsening things. At one point I told her it's important to kids to know they are loved by both parents (no matter how flawed a spouse may feel the other is) and not to bad mouth the other or make it harder than it already is, and that this loving concern for the children, must never ever be outweighed by anger at the spouse. But it was.

Here, too, Your w's anger right now is the thing that is getting the most energy from her in her life. Even if the kids really mean the most to her, her anger is what she is fueling, not her maternal love. Shame on her.
Good luck Monday, seriously...
(( HUGS ))

((( j )))

Not for nothing Fib, but I would probably have my lawyer respond and let her know if you must go to court then so be it and that you can address the issue of her taking the kids out of country on her vacation and maybe that's not such a great idea. You have to call her on some of this bullshit. I mean when she is bitchin at you around the house and being the way she is it is one thing, but when she has her lawyer threaten you with court, call her on it.

I also am confused, and you can answer or not, but you said she made her plans after you announced yours right? So why wouldnt she have to push her trip back a day instead of you cutting yours short?

Ian

and doesn't this mean they miss your 50th birthday? She sure looks as if she is doing this to be UNkind.

She's being very mean. And I'm putting that as well as I can. I am SO SORRY FRANK!
You deserve better than this.

I'm really baffled legally as Ian is saying too. I know we won't get her "maternal strategy" but legally what are her rights here? She's the one taking the kids farther out (of the country btw and what did the L mean about the passports?) and you planned the trip first so...why not make HER delay it for the kids to rest, and oh btw, your b-day!! (get that in the decree please, birthdays with the parent) AND in case the kids are sick or tired, delay HER Trip so they'll have an extra day to get their immune systems up... Please explain the whole snow delay thing and why it is helped by you returning earlier?...??? Hmmm??? wth?

Frank, I'm going to edit this. I think I am so frustrated with her and your poor little ones being yanked around, that I don't want to make it harder for you to feel peace.. Try to be "the man" you are. Don't let this crazy crazy pathogen infect you with the virus she carries. (Like the metaphor? Just for you).

((( j )))

Frank,

Unless the additional legal fees are a big issue here, I would chime in agreeing that this is one I would probably try to put my foot down on.

Pettiness and rudeness in your daily interactions there is not much you can do about. When she sets out to purposely sabatoge your alone time with the kids, and then threatens you with legal action unless you yield, well I say it's time to say no.

I'm surprised by your lawyer's response. Did you not just have your wife and her lawyer in a court room accusing them of blackmail or intimidation recently? Why would your lawyer be so quick to back down on this one?

I'm sure you can document when you made the arrangements for your trip, and surely they are before the dates on which your wife planned hers. For the life of me I cannot see how a court would tell you to cut your short trip because there might be a snow delay that impacts your wife's trip. Isn't that just a luck of the draw type event?

As I see it, there is nothing for you to lose on this except the cost of arguing it in court. Her behavior couldn't possibly be much worse than it already is.

One last comment that I hope won't offend. I would personally be careful about the number of personal message interactions with available women on your fb page. I'm not sure if it could impact your still pending legal proceedings or not. Not even sure if the women who have written are single women or just family and friends, but given your wife's current state, I wouldn't put anything past her in terms of trying to bring trouble to you.

One thing that I would always be quick to stand firm on is any effort on your wife's part to negatively impact your time with the children. ANY person standing outside your situation would easily see that this is nothing more than vindictiveness on the part of your wife.

Stay strong my friend.

Blessings,

Bill

I agree with Bill frank about the personal messages. Keep your pants zipped until this is over. That includes messages, dinner, lunch, just drinks, etc.

Don't do what you accussed her of doing to you.

PLENTY of time for that later. The women are not going anywhere.

But the one woman in your life CAN and WILL use it to destroy you if she can.

And don't believe the BS that it does not count in court. Everything counts - especially character - especially in a custody fight.

Hi all and thanks for the input.

First off...is there something on my FB page that is incriminating that I missed???
I am not dating.
Second...pick and choose one's battles. By avoiding court I saved money for more important issues to battle. Now, there is no court order.I just hope that there isn't car trouble....or that I don't get sick.

FIB

FIB,

Not saying anything like that. I just noticed that there are several messages back and forth between you and other women, women who I did not think were from the board.

Perhaps they are just friends. Some of them I thought were a bit flirty. Just didn't want you to get burned.

Nothing inappropriate at all.

Bill

My cousin is a D atty. She was at my sis' house tonite. I asked her about FB. As far as the D goes, it has no bearing. As far as custody goes, it COULD. Meaning...if OTHER people post crap on it. I may have to consider suspending it. Anyone who wants my email, help youself from the site.

As for the recent court debacle...she said I made the right choice. Judges don't want to hear this crap.

FIB

Two beatings tonite:

I signed my son's report card outer envelope on the parent's line. My STBXW signed OVER MY NAME
I dropped off my son at a sleepover. He was made fun of by another child and came home. STBXW picked him up and she never notified me

I went to the post office and vented by mailing the envelope to my L. Character/immaturity. Tossed the other.

BTW...my cousin...the D atty...changed her tune as I left and said FB is OK. If it could be shown to a judge or court without issue then no issue. Frank

Frank, I am sorry, but I sit here and read about your wife's ongoing behavior and I have to ask what is wrong with that woman?!!? I cannot help but feel that she needs some professional help of some kind. While I am not medical professional, XXX just seems so emotionally/mentally unstable. It just stuns me that she can be so cruel over and over again. There is NO reason that she could not have also signed your son's report card envelope, just in a different location. I hope that you are continuing to document her behaviors.

And,I hope you sleep with one eye open at night because I truly worry about your safety sometimes, as well as that of your children.

As for the FB thing....those that mentioned that to you did so with the best of intentions. I can tell you there are NO guarantees as to what a judge is or is not going to take into consideration when it comes to a divorce settlement or child custody. I have known of a few cases which it seemed a judge should clearly rule in favor of one party, but instead ruled in favor of the other. (Or at least not the way "you" would have thought he would have.) The advice was given to you so you would know to tread carefully and XXX wouldn't have any ammunition to use against you. Remember, Frank, we are here for YOU!

I am no advocate of divorce, Frank, despite being divorced myself; but, I hope that all of this is over for you soon. It is time for you to be able to put all of this behind you and move forward with your life.

I hope I have not offended you. As I have told you before, I wish you nothing but the best...and hopefully, some peace very soon!

deb

Frank, you need to get one of those teddy cams to record some of this insane behavior. I mean honestly when I think about it all, as a judge I might want to see proof because it is so insane.

Hang in there buddy...

Ian

Thanks Deb and Ian. Living conditions suck under her constant bashing.

I will get thru this.

Your words keep me going. I am packing to go skiing in Maine with the kids...my gift to myself for my big BD coming up in 2 weeks.

FIB

I hope you have a great time Frank and enjoy the peace and quiet.....

Ian

FIB,
if it were a show for your bday, I'd say "break a leg" but it's skiing so...forget it.

And as I told you in the email, (for reasons beyond the scope here), she's more paranoid and terrified than I realized; it's all in there mixed up in her head.

Give her the dang passports and be done with it, which I assume will make her arguments moot. (Probably already done.)

She fears you more than anything Frank, she sees you as having all the power. And in a way, you do have all the power. That's what sanity, strength and honor give a man, when dealing with someone controlled by poorly targeted insecurities and petty grievances. What must her family think?

You said the end of April is an "unofficial" goal or expectation for this to be over, right?
Time for a Broadway show, and pomegranate martinis! Pretty sure there are many here who will join in a "virtual" party for this move. Hang in there, you can do this and you are doing it. As you manly men say, "strength and honor"... and stuff like that.

((( j )))

Pomegranate martini indeed...after the D...a great source of antioxidants. LOL.

This AM...when the envelopes were noted to be gone...and she asked for them, I told her that they had to be replaced...that's all.

W: YOU'RE A PIECE OF WORK!!!

(uh....am I mistaken or did SHE deface the envelope by overwriting my signature.

Called my L this morning and spoke to her office manager to give them a heads up that the might call her atty again.

Office manager: I wouldn't worry about it. He MUST be getting tired of hearing from her.

Today...I am doing a mastectomy. As I put on my scrubs, I wonder...again..sometimes...how I got from there to here. It just blows me away that this person....this woman....who I married...has morphed into something so full of hate, anger.....

It still blows me away.

Thanks for your support.
FIB

Hi, FIB,

Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving

Today...I am doing a mastectomy.

This threw me for a minute. I thought, "Wait...why is a man getting a mastectomy??" Then the afterburners kicked in on my brain, I read about you putting on your scrubs, and I remembered that you are a doctor. Thanks for that little opportunity to laugh today (even if it is at myself!). $;\)$

Peace,
Dawn

FIB, your w embarrasses me as a woman. She has gone off the deep end, I think.

Forget about your w and make memories with your children on this trip.

This will be over and your life will begin anew. That is what I am praying for you.

Dawn....thanks so much. Clearly she is an angry woman who releases this with verbal abuse and emotional intmidation.

To all my friends:

Tonite, D5 asked me to come up to her room 'and talk on the bed'. She began talking to me about divorce...almost as an adult and, for the first time, started to tell me that 'it is not going to be good for her."

It was not easy keeping a straight face.

It was not easy keeping my eyes from welling up.

It was not easy...to find the right words...to comfort...my beautiful daughter...my gem...my girl.

I now pray to G-d for strength.

I quote again from from my favorite movie Gladiator..."my marriage lays bloodied and cleaved in a field" and..."My wife did her job well".

I will not miss her.

However, three years post bomb, I will soon be facing the inevitable: the finality of D and the separation from my children.

I will grieve the latter.

I hope and pray that you will have patience with me...especially my BetterMen.I may need more than ever.

I am preparing to lose time with my kids.

I will not miss my wife. She died a long time ago.

FIB

Dawn....thanks so much. Clearly she is an angry woman who releases this with verbal abuse and emotional intmidation.

To all my friends:

Tonite, D5 asked me to come up to her room "and talk on the bed". She began talking to me about divorce...almost as an adult and, for the first time, started to tell me that "it is not going to be good for her."

It was not easy keeping a straight face.

It was not easy keeping my eyes from welling up.

It was not easy...to find the right words...to comfort...my beautiful daughter...my gem...my girl.

I now pray to G-d for strength.

I quote again from from my favorite movie Gladiator..."my marriage lays bloodied and cleaved in a field" and..."my wife did her job well".

I will not miss her.

However, three years post bomb, I will soon be facing the inevitable: the finality of D and the separation from my children.

I will grieve the latter.

I hope and pray that you will have patience with me...especially my BetterMen.I may need you more than ever.

I am preparing to lose time with my kids.

I will not miss my wife. She died a long time ago.

FIB

Last night, S8 complained of a sore throat.

Me: S8...go get the flashlight for me and I'll take a look in there

(W goes to run for the flashlight and looks in)

W: There's nothing there.

Me: (go to get flashlight)

W: I SAID THERE IS NOTHING THERE. IT'S NOT NECESSARY TO LOOK.

(sigh)

I got the flashlight and looked. In medical school, they taught us to always look at our own labs, Xrays, studies, etc. Never trust the radiologist or report.

I won't change protocol now. LOL. I guess it's now XXX, MD.

FIB

PS...I thought he had some mild posterior pharyngitis but the tonsillar pillars had no injection or exudate.

Oy.

You and your kids are in my prayers Fib!

Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving

Last night, S8 complained of a sore throat.

Me: S8...go get the flashlight for me and I'll take a look in there

(W goes to run for the flashlight and looks in)

W: There's nothing there.

Me: (go to get flashlight)

W: I SAID THERE IS NOTHING THERE. IT'S NOT NECESSARY TO LOOK.

(sigh)

I got the flashlight and looked. In medical school, they taught us to always look at our own labs, Xrays, studies, etc. Never trust the radiologist or report.

I won't change protocol now. LOL. I guess it's now XXX, MD.

FIB

PS...I thought he had some mild posterior pharyngitis but the tonsillar pillars had no injection or exudate.

Oy.

but any vesicles? those really hurt.

this nurse orders some popsicles! stat.

Well FIB,

your w must have learned a lot from when you went to med school and she helped you study for all your tests...oh wait a minute, I was confused. I was thinking of me and my h...she didn't marry you until it was all over. Gee whiz, did she learn medicine by osmosis, just having the knowledge permeate into her by laying next to you? That is flippin' brilliant! Too bad for you that you had to take the idiot's way and actually attend med school and do a residency...tsk tsk...

Anyhow, yes you are going to lose some time with your kids. On the other hand, your time with them won't be stained by your w, and her anvil of anger swinging around your head. Your time with them will be your time with them.

Have a great trip Frank. And do not let her "osmotically" get inside your head with her Swirling Vortex Of Negativity ("SVON" for short) b/c your kids deserve to get the best of you, and you deserve to feel some peace.

Be happy. Have fun.
(( j ))

Frank, have a great trip buddy....

You will have tons of support as you always have as you progress into the lousy part of D, the lost time with your kids will have an affect on you but not one that you cannot get past. It's good that you are becoming aware and preparing yourself for it.

I agree with Hoosier by the way on the popsicle prescription.....

Ian

Have a wonderful time.
Just enjoy the time with your kids and allow some peace to soothe your soul and build up your strength.

Hey buddy, its me, the girl with the cajones!

FIB, your wife just gets me so ANGRY!!! A true mother would want the best for her son and that is to be looked at by his father who is a freakin' doctor for heaven's sake.

My heart breaks for you when you write about time with your children. It will not be easy. But you will be able to be the kind of father you want to be without having to deal with her bullsh**.

I'm really sorry, FIB.

You were right.....

From my Blackberry in Maine:

Free at last...free at last ...oh Lord
free at last"

Peace.Briefly.

Skiing,

W is calling constantly. One call a day.

FIB

Hey Doc

I hope you enjoy the finish of your vacation in ME. Sounds nice.
In case you don't remember, I "know" you through FaithfulH.

I will be praying for you, your W and the kids.

I like the name faithisbelieving.

Peace, blessings and prayers for you.

T

Hey FIB, Are you back yet? Are you ok?

I think fib gets back late Wednesday cuz he had to come back a day early for stbxw...
(sigh)
hope they had a blast, and he drives safely!
( j )

Oh thanks 25, I was just wondering how he was.

Tomato et al....thanks for your posts.

I had a wonderful wonderful time in Maine with my children. We stayed in a small house/cabin in the woods with 3 other couples and their kids. Tight quarters but the kids loved it. Roaring fireplace. The kids played their hearts out at night and we had them hopping to Who Let the Dogs Out and Cotton-Eyed Joe. One H cooked gourmet for 3 of the evenings. The kids snow-tubed one night. When it was time to leave, my kids didn't want to go. S8 told me 'it's like my second home'.

D5 and S8 both took ski lessons and both made me proud. Skiing is a tradition in my family. S8 didn't like boarding so I switched him to skis. Good move. I was able to take him up the chairlift for the first time. At night, I could cuddle them without fear of being photographed.

My son had some 'wetting issues' which I had to deal with. He also got upset after my W's phonecalls. The first call she kept telling him she missed him and that upset him. The second time she told him she tried to call him 3X and implied to him that I wouldn't let her speak with him. That took work to undo.

Me: S8....you CALLED mommy and left a VM, remember? Daddy would NEVER keep you from talking to mommy if you want to talk to her. Mommy was not by her phone when we called.

The day we were leaving for Maine, I left work early to meet the kids and depart after they got off the school bus. I received a text from STBXW:
-could you bring them by the salon so that I could say goodbye to them?

Huh? That was after her threatening to file a motion to force me to bring them back early and also using S8 to communicate that with me. A half hour later a second text comes thru:

-I'm on the way home to say good bye to them.

She saw them in the morning and also monopolized all their evenings before we departed (OK with me since I had to pack). She arrived and sat on the stairs looking morose..no eye contact with me at all. Before she pulled out of the driveway, I knocked on her driver window. She rolled the window down. She looked straight ahead.
Me: I'll have the kids call you everday.

She said nothing and drove off.

She obviously can't let go. She called in the car on the way up. She called in the morning. She called again in the evening.

Phone call assault and battery.

The only 'mishpap' occurred whenI had them call her Sat evening and her VM came on. S8 left a long VM about his boarding experiences. She left me two nasty toned messages the following day that she hadn't heard from them in almost 48 hours (bull).

W: HAVE THEM CALL ME.

Although it sounds like I restricted it...it is my W who is trying to manipulate me and get her way and reach out with abusive phone calls to me while I am on vacation.

BTW..the kids never ONCE asked me to call her. Anyway, SHE called and I DID give the kids the phone when she did.

D5 bought a ski pin which she CHOSE to give W when she got home. I unpacked and STBXW took them to MIL's house late evening to be picked up by limo early this AM. They are going to the Bahamas. W booked it thru my big birthday on Monday. Obviously, punishment. My 50th.

BTW....the kids called me twice from the airplane. Although I will miss them and 'hurt' more than I thought I would by their departure, I will not batter my STBXW with phonecalls over the weekend.

I don't need to.

My kids love me.

FIB

Sounds like a great trip.

I still got a year and 4 months until my big #50.

FIB, I think that I have said this before, but I think the 50's are going to be the best period in your life.

Frank,
I'm glad you had such a great trip with your kids. They will remember it for a long time and it's good that you are making new memories with them.

It's also good that you reassure your children that you would never keep them from their mother. You may have to say that over and over since you are dealing with her instability. She is incapable of seeing how her behavior affects her children. Maybe someday she will, but not now. Keep on the straight path. You will be fine.

And, yes, your children do love you.

Welcome back!

Spitty

Hi Kerry..funny...I was just trying to catch up on your sitch.

To Spitty....it is a tough tightrope to maintain reality/expectations/manipulation/ and fairness to the kids.

I think it is ridiculous to think that, when we are divorced, that she is going to call me 3-4X a day over the weekend. Her tone is nasty and intrusive.

Trust me..if my W had called me and left a message....being kind...saying she was sorry she missed our call...that she doesn't want to intrude on the vacay but misses them...I would go OUT of my way for her.

She doesn't. As we all post here...this is a boundary for me. Strong arm nasty messages won't go anywhere near as far as respect and kindness.

I checked out the resort...Sheraton, Nassau Beach...looks great. The kids should have a great time.

So..I am alone now for 4 days. I skied pretty well. Only fell twice in 5 days of skiing. Not bad. I kept to the blue squares. I need to stay 'unbroken' for now. Conditions were good. Lines were short. I wasn't sore. Not bad for 50.

Now...all I have to do is find a woman that wants to share a little lovin' for 40 more years.

Half a century. I did OK.

FIB

Gratz to you and the kids on such a great trip FIB.

Do a good job over this next week modeling for your wife proper parental behavior when the other spouse has the kids.

Because you're absolutely right, your kids KNOW you love them. And, I might add, you KNOW they love you.

I don't think I've ever called either of the boys when they were with their Mom. Of course mine are older than yours, but the principle is that this is their time with Mom. They know you're still around, and if they get to missing you HOPEFULLY your wife won't play games with letting them call you.

And if she does, grit your teeth because there's probably little to be gained by trying to do anything about it.

Your hope is that if you can continue to maintain the high road in your dealings with her, perhaps time and distance will enable her to one day reach the point where she can behave like a proper parent/adult too.

And happy birthday my friend. I'm not that far behind you.

We're just getting better...believe it!

Blessings,

Bill

Quote:

She doesn't. As we all post here...this is a boundary for me. Strong arm nasty messages won't go anywhere near as far as respect and kindness.

Code to live by my friend, from anyone not just our delusional spouses. It's the old do unto others philosophy in reverse. Dog training 101, reward the good behaviors.

Quote:

Now...all I have to do is find a woman that wants to share a little lovin' for 40 more years.

And not one of us has any doubt that you will Frank, when the time is right.......

Glad you had that much needed alone time with your kids bud. Now enjoy the silence........\

Ian

FIB,

what everyone else said...and you are right, you have done just fine for half a century. Not too sore? Excellent. Impressive. And yes, you'll be a model of behavior for your w to see how to act when the other parent has the kids. Try really hard not to get hurt this weekend if she prevents them from calling or doesn't remind them to call. I actually think she'll rise to the occasion but who knows?

Glad you didn't break. I'm so glad your son chose skiing over snowboarding b/c of my son's snowboarding injury...yes I'd love to learn to board, but just can't afford the mandatory 4956 falls and with skiing, I avoid most of them. So, anyhow, your kids love you and you love them...enough said.

((( j )))

"yes I'd love to learn to board, but just can't afford the mandatory 4956 falls and with skiing, I avoid most of them."

LOL!!! I resemble that remark. ;>) Broke three ribs a few years ago snowboarding (which I just learned to do in my late 40's). Still, I enjoy it more than skiing (but I never was a very good skier either; didn't start that until I was 35).

FIB, enjoy your birthday, think of it as a rebirth - where will you go from here????

Ellie

Hey my friend. So glad you have a great time with your kids. You are making wonderful memories. I have some great ones with my dad.

And Happy Birthday! Mine is next year. I have no doubt that when you are ready you will find someone who appreciates the man you are.

And just think of what you will bring to that relationship. All the things you learned about yourself on this journey. And what you will and wont tolerate in a relationship. You will be way ahead of the game next time around.

Something tells me your w wont ask the kids if they want to call you. And stuff like that is going to bite her in the a** one day. Whoops, my Brooklyn just came out.

Happy Birthday Frank.

Strength and Honor.

Happy Birthday Frank.
I hope you enjoyed your day.
May this year bring you all you so richly deserve. $\:\)$

Happy 50th Birthday Doc!

Happy Bday FIB!!!

Happy Birthday!!!

Hey FIB-Day....I like the sound of that.

Enjoy my friend.

Happy Birthday Frank

To all...thanks for your wishes. I feel......the same.

Bittersweet today. My family gave me a quiet celebration at my sis' house yesterday. Today....I was alone. I cleaned my house. Reality. Did my office hours and then two of my colleagues took me out for Japanese food.No fanfare at all. It came and went.

The bitter: court was adjourned for two more weeks. The financial appraisal wasn't ready. You all may recall that my STBXW threatened me with a motion to come home early from my vacay with the kids. I drove home in a blinding snowstorm to comply. Today...I found out that it is 'illegal' so to speak to keep the children from a parent on their BD.

It is I who could have/should have filed a motion against XXX to have had them with me today on my 50th. I didn't know this and I am angry with myself for not being aware. My atty was FURIOUS when she learned it was my BD and the kids were away.

Water under the bridge.

It is times like these that I would like to throw the DB book out the window. When do you unzip and let out your cajones?

My W's vacation cost at least 2.5-3K and she is sportin' a new Apple laptop.

This needs to be done.

Believe it or not...it was a good day in spite of all this.

Half a century!

Quote:

My dahlink...you look MAH-VEL-US

FIB

Oh is she doing some shopping now? To "split" the debts so that she's getting stuff at half off? Really?

Yes I wondered about the whole birthday thing and it's why I mentioned having that spelled out in your d papers, also Father's Day, etc. But "she is a makin me a mad..." and as someone else here said, she embarrasses me as a woman.

Fine. Like you said; water under the bridge. But look into this shopping "poop" and discuss with your L b/c you should not be footing the bills for all this.

Dang. (Oh now wait...wait... hmm if she is going to get half the debt FIB, there are some things you can buy for me and I'll pay you 75% of the retail value. It's a win-win...) JUST KIDDING-- OF COURSE!!
(sigh)

((( hugs )))
j-

As I believe, she is responsible for all her own debt as of the date of filing.

I am sitting at a desktop today so that I can type. Most of my entries are by Blackberry and it's a pain typing a big post.

I want to thank ALL OF YOU for the well-wishing yesterday. I honestly am spinning, still, from time to time, wondering how I got from point A to point B.

Hey...we DO know that by now.

While alone, Saturday, I found myself watching that movie that was one of my favorites, The Family Man. I found myself welling up (I shouldn't watch it anymore). If I have any regrets, it is that I haven't found 'that' kind of love in my life. Agreed...it's just a movie.

Originally Posted By: Kate, The Family Man

......maybe I was being naive, but I believed that we would grow old together in this house. That we'd spend holidays here and have our grandchildren come visit us here. I had this image of us, all grey and wrinkly, and me working in the garden and you re-painting the deck. But things change. If you need this, Jack, if you really need this, I will take these kids from a life they love and I'll take myself from the only home we've ever shared together and I'll move wherever you need to go. I'll do that because I love you. I love you, and that's more important to me than our address. I choose us.

My wife....chose John, Craig, Zack...........

Strength and honor.
FIB

i loved that movie too....in a deep way and it seems like others I would talk to about that movie were like oh yeah thats a good movie....i am like to me it was deep....just seems ohters I know took it not the same..anyway love the movie...yeah my h choose her...( name irrelavant..) sad..but hey in the end it is their loss...while I know the loss is for the kids too....its kinda sad when u think of all they gave up...who would do that???

I can't even watch that movie FIB, that quote is the reason why.

Lot's of folks used to say that kind of romance only happens in movies. But it isn't true Frank, you and I will both find that kind of true romance down the road my friend. Have faith.......

Ian

I agree Ian....I agree. FIB

I did that exact scene in acting class...the great news is that it was very easy to be moved by the script...the sucky news is that it hurt like heck to do. Oh well. As my director would say, "USE THAT PAIN FOR YOUR CHARACTER..."
amen
(( j ))

Hey FIB, a belated happy b-day! Havn't been around at all so I have some catching up to do! From the little I've read you sound adjusted as much as humanly expected to the bitterness! Good for you!

My best...
cire

Hey FIB, how you be? How do I reach you on the alt?

Hi all...typing from my son's Pinewood Derby. His car is taking first place. As expected, XXX split already for her Friday night out.

She had another outburst last night in frobt of the kids...storming out of the house and slamming the door as they watched, upsetting them.

My W is truly dead.

FIB

FIB, whoo hooo for first place! Brings back memories of my son's pinewood derby (except the first place part-lol).

Man, your wife is really pis*ing me off! She is the freakin' adult here. She must be the one to teach them how to behave in life. They need to feel safe with her. They need to be able to look to her for comfort. Not to add to their sadness.

FIB, love on them extra hard this weekend. Hang in there, my friend. They need you right now to be the parent. She obviously is not up to the job.

My daughter had an 'accident' tonite. I asked one of the other mothers to stay with my daughter in the BR while I ran home to get her clean clothes and sneakers. She cried when I was chabging her out of embarrassment.

My STBXW is a selfish POS.

FIB

Awwwww FIB. I am so sorry. (((((FIB))))) (((((FIB's Little Girl)))))

Keep on doing what you are doing. Your children will remember. You don't have to say a word. Children are way more perceptive than we adults usually give them credit for.

BTW..Isn't it great being 50? $\:\)$ There is something awesome about making it that far, don't you think?

Later,
Spitty

Oh FIB, I am so sorry for your little girl, it just breaks my heart hearing about it.

She will feel it, that you were the one there for her. I know how much this is hurting you. Gosh, I wish I could have just five minutes with your wife - mom to mom. It would not be pretty.

STBXW now has FB acct. FIB

FIB, really, your wife is not worth your time or your thoughts.
Go back to basic dbing. Focus on you and your kids. What makes you happy? What new things are you going to try out?

You did your best, above and beyond. Your wife does not realize what she is giving up, the damage she is doing, how much her actions are hurting your beautiful children.

But, you cannot do anything about her or her actions. You can only control you.

So, try, my friend, to seize the day. Try to always give extra hugs to your kids and really try to find what holds you interest, what brings you peace, what puts a smile your face. And let your w blow in the wind.

so does this mean we should assume she'll read your posts? hmmm, that's provocative....

(( j ))

Hey FIB, you ever hear from SirPrizeMe? I was thinking about him the other day and whether he was ok.

Fib, how are you, my friend? Hope everything is ok.

To 25...no...I don't think she will read my posts. I have her blocked. Her FB photo is very unflattering.

TO BM...wow..what ever happened to SirPrizeMe???? Hmmm....will look into that.

Not much to post. As an update, my W and I don't talk for the most part. She's crossed a boundary this weekend when she didn't let D5 go to her lacrosse practice. As you all know, I coach the team. Granted, the practic was late (1:30 start) and broke up HER day with the kids but she gave me no warning or contact that she would be a no show. I texted her on this...that in the future, I need to be notified so that I don't build her up for the practice and then she gets disappointed...that it was about HER not she or I.

I'm sure it feel on deaf ears (or should I say eyes).

Next weird behavior. She has been walking around in the morning with VS pink short shorts and ......Ugs (boots).

Ladies out there...what's with that??????

FIB

Originally Posted By: faithisbelieving

To 25...no...I don't think she will read my posts. I have her blocked. Her FB photo is very unflattering.

TO BM...wow..what ever happened to SirPrizeMe???? Hmmm....will look into that.

Not much to post. As an update, my W and I don't talk for the most part. She's crossed a boundary this weekend when she didn't let D5 go to her lacrosse practice. As you all know, I coach the team. Granted, the practic was late (1:30 start) and broke up HER day with the kids but she gave me no warning or contact that she would be a no show. I texted her on this...that in the future, I need to be notified so that I don't build her up for the practice and then she gets disappointed...that it was about HER not she or I.

I'm sure it feel on deaf ears (or should I say eyes).

Next weird behavior. She has been walking around in the morning with VS pink short shorts and ......Ugs (boots).

Ladies out there...what's with that??????

FIB

Well, it depends--what color were the Uggs?

Just kidding. Yes, that's weird. No doubt about it. I can see some of my elementary girls doing that. But then, I work in the inner city....

Yeah--let us know what happened to Sir! I've been thinking about him too.

Preparing a new thread:

Is the institution defunct?

FIB

FIB,

Um, the uggs and short shorts are worn here in LA by the college crowd, the high schoolers, and those shopping on Rodeo Drive, where a "decent" pair of jeans can cost over $500, literally. Does this help? And no one said style has to make sense. The uggs are NOT worn in the summer though. Maybe uggs show us that it is winter here, despite the 75'F weather. You're in NY...what's her excuse for the shorts? She's hot? Oh.

In college classes the girls usually have long sweaters that drape over so they can actually sit. I know the public high schools allowed the shorts and uggs in some areas of California, but not others, and the shorts could only go so high. Your wife's fashion sense is at the edge of the envelope even for here. Guess if she can pull it off...

(( j ))

FIB, here's my theory. Your w is acting like a teenager, with her tantrums and her spitefulness and now she is dressing like one too.

She needs to grow up.

MLC is all about wanting a do-over in life ... to be 17 again ... and forever. Nuff said. As a Survivor, you must begin striving to let stuff go, if it does not involve the kids you are still related to. Very hard at times, I know. But it gets easier in time, with much repetitive practice. Live the better life and know that you are.

Thanks all. I think my STBXW is reverting back to her 'bad days' now that she knows that she will not lose the kids. My daughter brought home her winter funpack from school and I don't think she did anything with her.

My sister told me that...the position my W signed up for with the PTA, nutrition committee...is now vacant and they are advertising for a member.

The den mother emailed me and told me that she is relying on me to get the message to her about meetings and is 'not going to text her anymore'.

I found a folded piece of paper on the floor in the family room the other day. One one side were those calorie counts she used to keep. The total was the minimal needed or what we call in medicine the BEE or basal energy expenditure. Recall that my W is a rail. I can't see how she can't be in negative nitrogen balance. On the other side was a 'to-do' list:

send tax letter to L
pay store credit card bill
work out
go tanning

Yesterday:
Me: D5, aren't you going to finish your breakfast (french toast sticks uneaten with one with a bite in it)
D5: No daddy....I tasted them and I don't like them.
Me: Well..then..what do you want?
D5: Fruitloops

I bring the plate over to the sink.

W: You should encourage her to eat that. It's a waste of food.
Me: She doesn't like it.
W: You should not be so easy and encourage her to eat it.
Me: XXX..she said she doesn't like it..she tasted it and won't eat it.
W: THAT'S MY BITE. I TASTED IT.

W takes the plate back to D5. D5 almost cries and keeps telling her that she bit it too and didn't like it.

I brought Fruitloops over to D5.

W: (raising her voice) YOU'RE UNDERMINING ME AS A PARENT.

I said nothing. I believe she is undermining HERSELF...as a parent.

Just journalling. I'm having a rough inner backslide this week....I had a D talk with them the other night. They brought it up and it was unavoidable. To follow.
FIB

Hi Frank,

Just wondering....whose idea were the french toast sticks in the first place? It's hard to believe that D didn't already know (by age 5) that she didn't like french toast sticks. Is it possible that your W picks foods for D that she just wants "one bite" of? Since W definitely has some eating disorder issues, could she be "using" your D to fill that "one bite" need for herself?

Just wondering because she seemed to really resent you giving the fruit loops to your D.

Try to hang in there. You're dealing with a lot. Go stand in the warm breeze today and renew yourself. (At least I'm hoping it's pretty warm in NY today.)

Spitty

FIB,

Ouch, and sorry...what did they say? Did they look worried or concerned for you or cry? Damn.

(SIGH) and

(((Big Hugs )))

(( j ))

FIB, hang in there. Hopefully you will not have to deal with her much longer.

Your w seems to be spinning. Get out of the way or you'll get caught up in the vortex. And remind her that you are the parent also, and you made the decision to give her freakin fruit loops and SHE should not have tried to overrule your decision.

Come on FIB, just give me half an hour with her. I wont need more than that. Pretty please.

Begmind, FYI--

The line for FIB's wife and folks who want "a minute alone" with her, formed last year about 2 blocks west of NYC, WAY down the sidewalk, south past New Orleans, then West past Dallas, and on to the Pacific Coast Highway. Frank, we got your back.

( sigh ) $\:\($

(( j ))

25, well, I guess I'll just get in line, then -all 5'1 of me.
She really gets me angry. Especially when two young children are involved. Her mother's instinct is severely broken,

amen...and I just want ONE swing...

Sorry FIB, we aren't helping are we? (Well, we're helping US...)

((( j )))

You guys are. I always try to be honest here. Here is one that I blame myself for:

I took the kids to the Empire State Building yesterday with my buddy 'Anthony' and his wife/kids. Coming home, my wife called but I was tired and just got off the train. Took the kids to Anthony's house and she texted me that she wanted to speak with them(as she usually does on MY day with them). The kids fell asleep and I didn't get back to her texts. I fell into a conversation with 'Anthony' and his wife and around 1130'ish my W called and demanded to know where I was and where were the kids. Calmly and softly, I told her it was none of her business where I was..that the kids were on the way home with me and they were safe.

To make a long story short, she taped me when I got home saying the same thing. She ranted about being their mother and needing to know where they were. I replied it was my day with them...I was their father....they were safe with me...that it was late and she should go to bed. So...she taped me saying that 'it was none of her business'. No screaming, cursing, yelling...calm.

My buddies say it means nothing. I hate that she tries to control me. But on the other hand, I regret not simply sending a one line text saying that they were asleep and with me. Hatred, but, I guess I fueled that one. My buddy is happy that I stood my ground. He is the tough one. However, if I had sent a simple text, this would have been avoided.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that OM4 is here, but, this is over so....it's not really an OM. My cell phone bill is high and she is texting one number...day and night (hi Frank_d...sound familiar). I believe he is married (perhaps getting a D)....owns a financial company...and lives in the wealthiest area of a local town.

Maybe it WAS all about money.

FIB

Staying under the same roof is obviously killing me.

Get a better texting plan.

FIB,

(sighs and hugs...only ONE sigh, okay?) You do own the stupid part of this and you know it so why hammer you? I mean, I think I'd have cracked long ago so if this is the worst of your "petty fighting" back at her, you win in my eyes.

So, but for the texting...there is nothing else different in her but you somehow feel that there is OM#4?

As much as that might still hurt, and I think it does, whether you want it to or not, it actually does have a positive side...YEP, here it comes.1) CLARITY, no more second thoughts...self doubts...etc. SHE is wacky, and you are not. ALSO,

#2) if this guy exists, AND IS wealthy, so much the better for you. Consider it a bonus or a raise. She'll be in more of a hurry to end this purgatorial existence AND probably be less greedy or at least not as terrified of running out of money.

3) IF he exists AND IF he is rich, Your kids won't starve while they're with them. You won't have to drive over with milk money for the next day in the middle of the night ((comment based on a true story of a friend & her stbxh))

See how wonderful it all is now??? Okay not that wonderful. But I think the clarity is a good thing. PLEASE FRANK tell me how much longer this is going on? I thought your L said the end of April, correct? Is the forensic part over?
To your w, I will say something only another woman would say OR understand...

#$%(*&^%<&*%)%#@$$$$$$$$$$$$????????!!!!
There, I had to get that off my chest.

((( j )))

Preparing a new thread...but...not sure how much longer I will post. I know I have said this in the past, but, like others, it begins to get painful lingering in this. I feel dedicated and obligated to those I still follow.
Stage5: Acceptance II, well, uh
FIB

More anger....

Yesterday, my STBXW called MY OFFICE...agitated...asked for Dr.FIB..hung up. I called back on her VM asking if the kids were OK. She called back and told my office manager to tell Dr. FIB never to talk to her again (my Office manager knows my sitch..we are friends).

I cannot figure out what it was...this time...that brought this on. The only thing I can figure out is ??? that I recently told her that I was going to attend my son's cub scout dinner. She told me she was too. I told her that D8 could sit between us and we should put on a good 'front' for him.

Sunday, I mailed in payment for the dinner and paid for me, S8 and D5. If that was it....and she had not told everyone in scouting our sitch...then...I guess the form and payment would have alerted someone that there was a divide.

Not sure if this is what it was.

OM4 (?or 5, 6, 7??)

My cellular bill came in at over $300. Texting to mostly to one number, frequently starting in the morning and continuing on thru each day. The number belongs to, what she told me before all this mess, to an old neighbor who used to live across the street from her. She had initiated contact with him since he was a child of divorce to see how he fared in life. He owns his own financial company and his house is in one of the most expensive areas here. He has a Facebook acct with a woman and 2 children as his pic. That is it.

FIB

To frank....I think I am at 2100 minutes. It may have been more the texting from the Bahamas.

To 25...I am not sure why it still stings, even at this late stage.. I need to work on this. I had thoughts of exposing this, but, not gonna do that. If this IS an affair that she is having with a married man, I will leave her to her own devices. It's none of my business anymore.

Finally, my next court meeting is this Thursday. Hopefully, it will not be adjourned. We've had 3 so far because the financial appraisal was not ready.

FIB

Atty's response...that XXX has the right to know where the kids are...that to keep it simple...that my response to her is NOT going to be a major issue. Sadly, I don't think that the appraisal is going to be done but we ARE going to have to meet for court this Thursday.

It's been a rough two weeks since my 50th. Even being into this 3 years and perhaps being a 'senior' here....I find it difficult at times still.

FIB

Fib, of course you still find it difficult. This is not how you thought your life was going to be. You are living in a very uncomfortable situation and your children are hurting. Add to that, the drama that continues with your w.

I am sorry that it is this way for you, my friend. I think you are going to be feeling the fallout from this for awhile. You still have your kids that will connect you to her forever.

I hope and pray that in time she will realize that they are the most important thing, that she must find a way to be the mother they deserve and that the best thing she can give them in the future is a civil relationship with you.

Hang in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel for you, I just know it.

FIB,

(everything beg mind said)

I'll post more later...

((( j )))

Yo FIB, the thing is this. You almost have to step back and laugh at some of her moves dude. Calling your office manager and saying that....jeesh.......

OM, your dead on. Not your problem at this point. Her issues, her conscience, and her moral fiber being destroyed.

So the silver lining, your fiber is like a thick assss Scottish wool sweater. Thick and warm. Your conscience, relatively unscathed. Your issues, seem to only be due to her actions at this point.

I hope that you do step back and take the time to realize just how far you have come my friend. Maybe take a look back at some of the old threads of Stoics. Do you remember where we were 2 years ago buddy? Look at us today...... It is important to remember how much we have grown, especially when they put the tests in front of us.

This may sound odd, but I really hope you get to go to court Thursday, you deserve closure dude.

Ian

ditto what Ian said...(God, I'm getting lazy and wimping out... just plagiarizing so much I should run for office, but then, great minds think alike).

Thing is for both of you gentlemen...little did you know 2 and 3 years ago, that your w's were giving you possibly the greatest favor you've ever been given. You are awake now. You will be loved, and love back, better than before.

I am certain of that. Sorry it took this @#$*^%$# to get there...but you ARE getting there and I'm so glad to know you both...in many ways. We are all the better for it.

((( j )))

Hey FIB, thinking of you, my friend. Hang tough.

sorry to hijack, but, 25, could you give me a holler? I am struggling a bit.

Hi Fib!
Hang in there Bro.
Ask her to get her own phone maybe?
Once I found out about the W texting and talking to OM I told her to get her own cell phone. She did.
Its a mighty big load off my mind not being able to see who W is talking to. I know she does but its better that I dont see it.