Aphexx sorry you're dealing with all of this. However, I'm afraid you are borderline suicidal. Please please please contact a suicide prevention line if you start having worse feelings along those lines.
You left out some details. This is your second marriage.. How many times has your walk away been married? How did that/those marriages end?
How did you two meet? Please feel in as much detail as you possibly can do we can help and assess.
Please be aware, the likelihood of an affair is really high. The pattern is there. So brace yourself.
yes i have started going to a councilor. my current wife was married once before and she had 2 kids with him and pretty much did the same thing to him that she did to me. the only difference is that she was with him for 12 yrs. i later found out that she wanted a divorce from him after 5 yrs but he got cancer and she didnt want to divorce him during that then his mom died after that so she waited another 2 yrs to say she wanted a divorce he doesnt believe in divorce so she felt like she had to cheat on him to force his hand. that was a flag there because you cant make someone stay married to you. i later found out by accident that she had been cheating on him for half of the marriage.
we met online she had been divorced for 6 months. we had a 10 hr first date and really connected quick. i moved in with her after 4 months we got engaged after 6 months. we had a bit of a dynamic between us im a anxious preoccupied love attachment style while she is a dismissive avoidant or a disorganized attachment in not sure which. she would become very distant and i would chase and then i would get frustrated and back off and she would chase. she tried to break things off 2 months after we got engaged. i talked her out of it and didnt put anymore pressure to get married anymore. she came to me after 2 yrs and told me she was ready to get married. she has clinical depression so she would get in a funk for about 1 month at a time every couple of months. yes the pattern is there and i know shes talking to a guy she met online but they havent gone out yet. she also has been getting backups online in case this guy doesnt work out. she can be very selfish and immature and shes not in reality right now.
Thanks for the additional detail. I was afraid her back story was something like this. Also, her history tells you two things: 1. She may have never really wanted to marry you. 2. She has been contemplating leaving you for a very long time.
Aphexx, I'm also going to say that it's highlyy likely this guy online is further along than you think. And likely there have been others before him. She's very likely addicted to limerance. I've seen this pattern with my wife.
The"funks" you describe are likely the end of an emotional affair. It goes like this:
She meets someone online. It's new, fresh, exciting. She is happy as her limerance addiction is getting a fix. Her endorphins are soaring. You think she's happy with you. Then the emotional affair grows old. Maybe the distance is a blocker (he lives in another state, etc). Maybe the EAP finds someone new, closer etc.. Or maybe the EAP got what he wanted (pictures, video, cybersex) and is on to his next conquest. Or maybe the EAP got caught by his SO, or is afraid he will, or actually grows a conscience (rare). Regardless he pulls away or outright pulls the plug on the EA. She goes into a funk. You think it's her depression. Actually she is mourning the loss of the AP. She comes out of it after a few weeks and goes back on the prowl, and the entire process begins again.
I saw this happen twice in my own marriage. The realization that your wife is mourning the loss of another guy is brutal. But you have to face that reality.
Here's the thing Aphexx. You need to DB your butt off. Don't feel sorry for yourself, you ignored a lot of red flags to get to where you currently are. So you have culpability in this as well. GAL like a madman. Keep reading, learning and improving (good job on the IC, now your first assignment is to learn that you deserve better than all of this), and work on detaching emotionally from her. You have a lot of work to do on that last one considering your comments about not wanting to live. You have a lot to live for (kids!) and she frankly doesn't deserve your anti -Aphexx emotions!
Finally, learn that in order to have a successful lasting marriage, it requires 2 healthy, fully formed individuals. That's your goal, become a healthy (mentally and emotionally) fully formed individual capable of living up to your half of that equation. You have no control over whether she becomes that, but you have to require that of your next relationship partner. Whether that is with her or someone new. Remember, you need to have an expectation that you will not settle for anything less than a healthy, fully formed individual for your next relationship. Not having that requirement will mean you end up right back here sometime in the future. (Remember, your current marriage is over. Even if you end up reconciling with her, it's a brand new relationship where you have boundaries and requirements that you will not compromise on!)
