she blindsided me last Thursday saying she is filling for divorce. wants no counselling and said nothing i do or say will change her mind.
Yes, they are usually very adamant of their view point. Do not try to dissuade her. We all plead, beg, make promises, and such right after bomb drop, which just propels them towards the door faster. Realize W’s path/decision has very little to do with you. Her present trajectory is emotionally driven (depression) and rational logical reasons and arguments will further her feelings.
Give her what she asked for. Give her time and space.
Divorce Busting is pretty counterintuitive. A lot of the advice and suggestions will feel wrong at first. However, it gives your best chance at saving your marriage.
That being said, the first and foremost item of importance is you. DB will save you!
Focus on you. Get a life (GAL).
W has made an announcement of divorce and fired you as husband. Let her be. Let go the rope or be dragged. Detach.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself at the present moment.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i feel so alone and isolated. i am in agony and the only thing keeping me going is my daughter. i will not leave her without a father.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i dont want to die but i dont want to be alive. i am so afraid its going to be too much to handle.
Breathe.
Just focus on that.
I understand and empathize with where you are and how you feel. You will be ok. It’s going to take some time though. One day at a time. One hour at a time. Heck, during my terrible moments it was minute by minute. Just hang in there, and stick to the path. The quickest way out of the bog is a straight line. Just keeping moving forward.
I don’t know if you believe or not, however I’ve seen plenty of hurting folks and God never places more on us than we can handle. Everyone who has embraced this DB path has risen and overcome that which they felt they never could.
she also has been talking to guys on dating sites after she said she wanted to be alone for a while to work on herself. another lie. im angry at myself because i thought she would miss me and change her mind. im also angry that she couldnt even wait to get divorced.
Most do not wait for divorce. And most are well before any divorce announcement. In fact, at the moment I cannot recall a single situation where there was not an affair. People don’t let go their current branch until they have a new one in their other hand. Even then, some will hang on to both, living in two worlds.
Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Exiting spouses have a hodgepodge of swirling emotions, most of which they’ve buried. Their new shinning life beckons and they are full of excitement and that adamant assuredness.
Time and space.
The LBS needs to step back. Way back. No relationship talks (R-talks). Ever. Realize W will blow out of proportion anything and everything to justify her path. Heck, she’ll even craft a narrative and justifications. You simply cannot fight it head on. She will not hear it nor you.
Time and space. Your two best allies in your cause.
After a while, hopefully, W burns through her feelings and justifications and begins to feel/see - “It’s been a while and aphexx13 hasn’t been bothering me and I’m still unhappy. With some good fortune she might even come to - “hmmm, maybe he isn’t the reason for my unhappiness/depression”. And with even more good fortune, W would start to look inward.
She needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship before she will start to feel emotions more helpful to your cause. Feelings of regret, shame, sorrow, remorse, and so on. All those are pushed aside and buried presently.
You have a bunch of inner work to do as well. And you are fortunate. You aren’t looking for, or embroiled in, an affair. You have your reason and therefore will make much better progress.
You do have the gift of time. Use it wisely.
Become the best version of yourself. A man only a fool would leave.
Any changes you enact do them for you, and not in some attempt to woo W back. Making changes for you will ensure they are permanent and sincere.
Focus on you and the kids. GAL.
Go for walks. Or a run. Ride a bike. Start a hobby. Re-start hobbies you put down after marriage. Do things, not sit around and pine for what was. Exercise is a good one too, as it really helps with depression.
Keep posting. Ask questions. There are many kind and compassionate posters here with much hard-earned wisdom.
