Ok... so prepare yourself K for the 2x4s

Originally Posted by KangaB
Hi Valeska,

Thank you so much for replying and giving me food for thought.

First, the dream that H had about the affair and him lying to me and asking me how does this mean H is coming out of denial? H has been lying to me for a very long time. He was also abusive and would pick fights and he still picks fights so he can deflect the feelings of guilt and shame. Him dreaming of him having an affair and feeling awful about it, is his subconscious catching up with him. It’s a win because, right back in H’s brain, he knows what he is doing is wrong. Yay!! It’s a step and DBing for me is about patience and being given time. Eventually, his feelings in the dream will become a reality.

Maybe or maybe not. You are giving the dream more power than it deserves.

Originally Posted by KangaB
Since Ive found the evidence, I have handed it over to my Higher Power and prayed about it. I’ve decided to be my usual, loving self around H, at the same time getting the hang of setting boundaries. When I know that H and XW have been in touch, I lay very low the next day. I make myself as unreachable as I possibly can.

I can see how this is a boundary as in it protects you and provides a little safe care.... but wouldn't the boundary be more of. "H.. if you decide to talk with XW... I am going to need to distance myself”

Originally Posted by KangaB
Okay… so I understand that I can set this sort of boundary if H knows that I know that he is talking to XW. But, he doesn’t know that I know and the fact that he doesn’t know is my power. In fact, I used to try this on him, which only felt like punishment for him and it just brought him closer to XW and distanced him from me. My goal is to attract him back by being the person I used to be before my confidence was completely obliterated by this affair.

It's not about "trying" anything on him. You are missing the point with what a boundary is. You can set this boundary w/o even communicating it to him. It's about you believing in yourself enough to say "I deserve to be someone's first choice - and acting accordingly. You can do this w/o nagging by dropping the rope and detaching.

P.S. Laying low for 24 hours isn't going to make H miss you long enough for him to really think about what he wants in life. He just realizes you are gone and texts you - and you jump right back in. Something to think about.

Originally Posted by KangaB
Yes I agree this is Cake Eating. This is not the time for me to address Cake Eating. H has not admitted anything to me where I can set bigger boundaries. Until he does, all I can do is be the better cake to eat. I used to whinge and complain about his contact with XW. All it did was make her look like a 12 instead of a 4 that she actually is. I realised from your comments which really angered me and thank you!!! Because this is what I arrived at. Part of DBing and the 180’s is being the better tasting cake so that the WS puts down the other cake for good. No one goes back to a bad tasting anything if something tastes better. What else can you do about Cake Eating where it doesn’t push WS to keep eating their cake and perceive yours as awful. I’m changing my ingredients!!!

Again... no one is saying to pick a fight with him... but if you think you can nice your way back to him - you need to reread MWD's work. Cake eating will only prolong the process.

Originally Posted by KangaB
Ha, I love it… calling me an avoidant wife!! It used to be that I would rake him over the coals even if it were done nicely. Did it get me anywhere? No! It just pushed H further into the direction of XW!!! Isn’t it about creating some mystery? Isn’t it about stopping nagging (however nicely it’s done)? I was always in for a fight and standing up for my rights. It has got me nowhere. Some of it may have had an impact for a while, but, deep down I felt powerless knowing that I just cajoled him into stepping into line. I’m not doing that anymore. And yes, I am avoiding fights and abuse until I have set the tone on how better to communicate between us 2. Let it begin with me and I say that he and I only have contact when H is ready to be nice and respects me and our M. Leaving him to have contact with XW also does another thing (even though I hate him lying to me so much and for this to happen). That while H has been given free rein (essentially, I have gotten out of the way) to the ‘wonderful, new and improved XW’—not. I am improving in the background, trying to have a relaxing and enjoyable time so I can be the much better and improved me that H fell in love with in the first place. I want to go back to the confidence that I had when we were first got together and I didn’t give a toss about his contact with XW. I want the confidence again, so that I am ready to accept H’s confession when it happens and then I can set my boundaries and be the prize and he knows it once and for all!!

Mystery is creating when you GAL and stop answering and participating in his life so much. That is not what you are doing here. You have said so yourself that he is abusive - it feels like you are just in the "calm" part of the abuse cycle which you, by your own admission, don't want to change to avoid a fight


Originally Posted by KangaB
Love the comments… love that you gave me so much to think about and to prove that nearly everything that I am doing is bringing me closer to my goal of having a better M and a better life, even though at times it feels like I’m going backwards, it is improving. I completely submit myself to MWD’s advice and to all that follow her advice. Slowly but surely.

I just don't see it K. Nagging is a response to be a push over. I'm glad you stopped that but your H is still holding for the power.


Originally Posted by KangaB
I’m fighting for my M, not in my M.

The best way to fight for your marriage is to fight for YOURSELF. How are you doing that when your life is still so consumed with H?