It’s interesting how W demands you swear on your son’s life that you are telling the truth. Meanwhile, she is betraying the vows she took. Again, a rather common trait among the WAS/WS.
This is, perhaps, one of the most difficult things for me to understand.
W grew up in a close-knit family. I did not. All of her relatives preach the importance of family. Another one of her favorite quotes, uttered multiple times during our marriage, was "I take my marriage vows seriously."
It is easy to say that, of course, before the test comes. I guess I did not figure her to be someone who, when the going got rough, would just keep quiet and then grab the parachute.
Yes, until truly tested one doesn’t know just what they’ll do.
It is pretty standard for the leaving spouse to become the opposite of who they once were. Some are driven by consuming torments from past trauma(s); others reacting/responding/taking action to built up resentment(s), be those perceived or bonafide.
Regardless of the underlying “cause”, there is an emotional component to all this. Be it the absence of feelings towards the LBS; too many other feelings; numb with no feelings; hurt; angry; sad; excited; etc. Usually a hodgepodge of many emotional states.
The LBS cannot fight, nor bring order, nor peace, nor much of anything to their spouse’s emotional state, since we are the one in the divorce crosshairs. Rational logical reasons do not work. No magical words will significantly penetrate or alter their current viewpoint.
Nothing you do matters. And everything you do does.
The LBS can only control themselves. Their thoughts, actions, and reactions. However, they can, and do, exert an influence. Giving time and space, being kind and cordial, maintaining boundaries regarding disrespectful behaviours, and such. Standing, while moving forward. All within your control. All for you. And all providing a positive influence towards busting a divorce.
W needs to work through her feelings. Needs to chip away at the pile of resentment she has. This takes time and the space to do so, all while you don’t (knowingly/purposefully) add to the pile. This is where focus on you is so important. Pretty much anything you do, can (and will) be used as fodder by W. So do for you. Make wanted changes for you. Let W do and feel what she will. Let her walk her path without manipulation. While you walk your’s.
It’s difficult to realize and do - letting the chips falls where they will, gives you the best shot.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
…her mother is going to supervise her care when I am out of the house. But she can't be here 24/7, obviously, and leave my FIL alone.
The kicker is that based on her timeline, all of this is going to coincide with her actively trying to remove me from the house. (I am expecting to be served before surgery date. We'll see).
Thus, her dream scenario would mean that during surgery #2 in the fall, all her care and most of the care of our younger son while I'm at work all day is going to fall squarely on her family, mostly her parents, who are in their 70s.
Sounds like a good plan?
Obviously a poor plan. However, it is a common/similar plan. Most often they feel things will just magically happen easy peasy. Logistics, bills, housing, kids, etc… They can have some seriously misguided visions of how things will all turn out, and how the process is going to go.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
I've seen her parents and brother since everything started. If they know all the details, they are candidates for an Oscar. (I'm not ruling it out). I think her mother (who knows something about W's discontent) would be especially devastated.
A sudden dumping of such a care requirement upon her unsuspecting Mom is likely to not go to well. Steer clear of this minefield.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
Watched my older son go off to his senior prom today. He is a spectacularly good-looking young man.
I won't lie; it wasn't easy. But I held firm.
There are a number of things coming up that are going to take on a bittersweet flavor, especially his graduation and a fiftieth anniversary party for W's parents.
Yes, there are many milestones that have a bittersweet flavour, even without martial strife. Kids growing up and making their way, is a particular one. And a common “cause” of stirring up feelings, and exacerbating martial problems.
Senior prom is a big event in a young lad’s life. Congrats to him. Be proud of the man he is becoming.
