I did meet her. It was admittedly not as elegant as the scenario r2c recommended. I think reality never turns out as perfect as we plan or would like. But overall I look back and feel like it went as best as it could.
I listened and validated where ever I could. There were instances of spewing/fabrications that I could simply not listen to. I’m willing to hear a different perspective but I can’t abide a total revision of history. I kindly yet firmly enforced boundaries where necessary. It made her angry but I could also tell she kind of respected it. She didn’t storm off.
I told myself I would not allow it but I did get drawn in at times. She knows I feel the marriage could be saved and at one point she asked me to explain how I think that could happen. We’ve had that discussion before. I’m proud that this time I simply told her I don’t think it’s helpful for me to speak to this when you have been very clear in your actions that you don’t want any part of our marriage. She didn’t have much of a response which was an indication to me that as expected it wasn’t a sincere question but an opportunity to shoot holes through my truth to soothe her own self-conscious. It was around this point she said “I just need more time.” In the next breath she was talking about having not looked into divorce but that maybe we could get a mediator to “help figure out how to do this.” I calmly re-stated that I don’t have a clear conscience on pursuing divorce as a ‘remedy’ for our relationship and that she will have to lead if she thinks that’s the best.
We did talk about some of the dynamics that led to her feeling the way she was when she dropped the bomb. It actually felt like a genuine discussion and as productive as you could expect with a WW/WAW. At the end she said she thought it was a good talk and she even had a smile on her face. I said yes but it doesn’t change anything and that I’m not ok with any of this. She left.
While I am in a very different spot emotionally than I was in the first months following BD it is clear that she has not progressed at all in her own emotions and is very much stuck in the turmoil that led her to thinking this path was the best course of action in the first place. It’s sad but I know I can’t do anything about it for her. Back to focusing on my own life and moving forward.
