Yes, often our spouse ceases sharing details with us. It is especially difficult with stuff that directly us and/or our family. My XW became so secretive.
Originally Posted by URS0
I know she is in turmoil but surely she understands on some level that these things are not OK.
Depending on just how far down the rabbit hole she is, she may not. Remember, their path is emotionally driven. And coupled with a whole lot of indifference for us. Details and things that matter to you, might not even be hardly a blip on her radar.
Originally Posted by URS0
She will say “I’m sorry. I will do better” and then she will continue to wait to communicate anything with me until the last possible moment.
Is she waiting to more forgetting or distracted? Her short timeline could be more from her ending up in such poor planned scenarios. They really do have the memory of gnat at times it seems.
The issue for you, and the good news, is control and expectations. You are expecting her to give ample notice. You are wanting some manner of control here.
Unmet expectations foster feelings of resentment. Those feelings build up and eat away at one. Resentment is like acid.
Dial your expectations to zero. You cannot control her, nor her behaviour, nor her scheduling, nor her communicating. You can, and do, control you. Thoughts, actions, and reactions. And your expectations are within your realm to let go of.
Also, assigning expectation to her, keeps you attached. Detachment, regaining control over your emotions, is reinforced and influenced well when one lets go expecting certain behaviours of their spouse.
Note: Expectations can be both for positive behaviours and negative behaviours. We need to dial both of those down. You will, oddly, still build resentment for unmet expected negative behaviours too.
Shift your focus upon you. When W has these last minute requests or reach outs, if it fits in your life, you can do it. Yet, if you have plans, and you likely would, the 24-48 hours rule before responding will help reschedule things.
A lack of planning of her part, does not constitute an emergency on your part. You can still be kind and cordial, compassionate, and so on. And detached.
