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Mach, I guess I'm still not quite sure what you mean by asking what do I think it is. Sorry, I guess I'm being dense today.

In regards to what you posted above- I really don't think I'm acting out of fear anymore. The issue with BD anniversary is something I put in my mind much earlier in this journey. I decided awhile ago that BD wasn't going to be the day we decide anything. I was asking the group a question that I really knew the answer to, should I initiate a R talk. I honestly don't think I'm afraid of the things you listed above. Of course, I don't want those things to happen. I think at this point I have accepted that they are all a possibility, and I can't control them. At least not all of them. It's funny you said standing isn't standing still. I was thinking earlier that standing is like waiting but with action.
I know about the do and don't scenario. I learned that while working with girls trying to teach them to hit and field a softball. I try to never say don't when working with them, always do.
You're not wrong about the depression issue and remembering it. I recently have gotten better at reminding myself of that and I think it is why I'm doing better. I am honestly in the best place I've been yet, not 100% detached. Getting closer.

I don't think if she "snaps out of it" we will be fine any longer. We have a lot of work to do if she ever decides to come around. To be honest she has changed so much that sometimes I don't think I like her much. She is colder towards everyone. Her personality has changed. Hopefully that changes back at some point. I am starting to see signs of the old her. She does seem happier most of the time. Maybe it's an act. I'm not saying that I'm watching everything she does for signs, she just seems happier most of the time. I know it doesn't mean anything good or bad, just an observation.

I have been making changes from the get go. Yes in the beginning I was just trying to win her back. That was a few months before I found this place and Michelle's books. I have made changes to be a better person, father, and partner. I'm not the best I can be, definitely better though.

It's hard to describe how I feel about our situation currently. I absolutely want it to work out. I also seem to be more ok with knowing that it might not. That thought doesn't scare me and put a knot in my stomach like it used to. Sometimes I feel pretty ok with whatever happens, happens. Maybe I'm fooling myself. The way I interact with W is so different than before. I don't sit and wonder what she's doing when she's not home. I make my plans and she makes hers. Sometimes we make plans together.

I know you weren't trying to make up my mind for me, I appreciate your input very much. I remember your mantra from past convo's and use it sometimes. I still want to be married and hope, barring another A, to remain so. I know I have a lot of work to do still. I am slowly getting there. Sometimes I post things on here without putting enough thought into them, thus I may seem contradictory at times. I'm not perfect and I hope I don't give off the vibe that I think I am.

One thing about fear that I will admit to. I'm afraid that she is trying to friend zone me or will just try to ease back into the R. That scares me because at that point I will have to push her to do what we would need to do as a couple to start a new R. I don't know that she ever will. Of course we never "know" what someone will do. Just being honest about my thoughts.

I do keep the attitude that this will all work out in the end. Sometimes I have to remind myself though.

I have so many things I want to do with the rest of my life that sometimes I don't know where to start. I want to travel more. That's a big one. I want to take s17 on some fishing trips this summer and on a hog hunt. Still looking for a jeep or truck for s17 and I to mess around with and go off roading. So I do see things in my life that don't include W, just need to get busy living.

Can I also say that I don't agree with all the things you shared from the other dude. We can discuss that if you want. A lot of good things in there though.

Thanks as always Mach.