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Thank you DNJ. I do like reading your replies when I post. You said this:
“,,, acceptance is emotional understanding. We find peace and understanding of our loss and our emotions. Peace and understanding is not numb or heartless or unfeeling, it allows one to feel and love. And sadness is just one of the expressions of such; just wee slice of our time, the vast majority of our days being fulfilled with other facets of our lives.”
Oh wow, yes! You put to words some vague thoughts I’ve been having along these lines. I’ve felt numb at times and it was a huge help to shield me from the worst of the hell I was in. Now that the numbness has been replaced by sadness,,,, well I’ll the take sadness over numbness. I finally found peace and acceptance through sadness but I doubt I ever would have if I had remained numb. The sadness is really a gift that brought me to the final stage of healing. I imagine over time it lessens but if it doesn’t I’m fine,,, I can handle it now.
A few days ago, my H once again invited me out for a quick lunch and to talk about nothing that really matters. I think this will be the last time I will agree to meet him. I don’t know what these meetings are doing for him but for the first time I see with crystal clear clarity that they do absolutely nothing for me. We have zip in common. Is it me that’s changed so much or has he been frozen in time? Or regressed? He engages in shallow conversation but then doesn’t listen or hear much of what I say. Then minutes later he will ask a question about something I said as if it’s a brand new topic. I can’t handle these shallow conversations or his poor listening now that I feel nothing for him. The interesting thing is that he wasn’t so different in this respect before MLC and it was okay with me. Now it is not. I think that means I have changed in big ways and for the better. Maybe this is the silver lining?
