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Good Morning F

I’m glad you wrote the letter and did not send it.

It is good to see a current overview of one’s situation. However, realize this is the snapshot of today. It will change. A sent letter will not.


Lots of feelings in those words as well.

Feelings and thoughts do fade. Things that are white hot right now become less important somewhat. It’s part of the journey towards acceptance.



You’ve already told her. No need to again.


There is never a good time to drop a bomb. Consider the aftermaths of our spouses bomb dropping. Bombs are good for destruction. And cause plenty of collateral damage.

The chances of something like this letter waking her up is very remote. And some of the damages would be much more acrimonious relations and/or negotiations in the future.



F, W is on her timeline, not your’s. Her working out of things will be almost all internal and hidden from your view. And her processing will be slow, much slower than your’s. Do not conclude or place expectations of where or when she is, or what she is not doing, along her journey.

As to consequences: You do not want any hand in those. Leave her to God.

None of us are wise enough to know all ends. Any pushing or manipulating of our spouse’s path could yield some manner of result. A result which one cannot predict. You do not want the responsibility of her life’s direction upon your head. Leave that to her.

From your snapshot letter, consider what you can control and influence.



Continue processing your emotions and grief.

Continue moving forward.

You’ve laid out, for yourself, a pretty good picture and understanding of where W currently is. Use that. Give it to God. Seek to find forgiveness.

You have well defined the sins. Now separate person from the sin; a good person behaving badly. We are not judge of the soul. Do not define her from her behaviour.

Love the sinner. Forgive the sin.

Important, you do not forgive the person. Trying to do that places one on a moral judgemental high ground. And who are we to decide upon who to bestow forgiveness? Love the person. Be kind and compassionate. Be understanding. Have empathy.

We forgive the deeds.

This process does not preclude holding one accountable and responsible for their actions. Forgiveness is not a free pass. It releases you. You write paid in full upon the invoice you are holding. It frees you from vengeance, and holding a grudge.

I was blessed to have found forgiveness rather quickly. A few months post BD I had a hellish nightmare of W’s eternal torment. Right then and there, I got up, knelt beside the bed, and in the dark of the night I begged God to forgive her. Ha, me a mere mortal trying to tell God that W did not deserve such a fate.

I realized I wanted no hand in her fate for this life or the after. I cannot judge her, the person. I also cannot judge her deeds, for I do not know all the mitigating circumstances that lead to her life choices.

I can hold her accountable sans judgement.

I can love her, and forgive her sins/deeds.

That was likely one of the most pivotal moments of my life. Absolutely life altering!

That night was the last night of a bad restless sleep. From the next day onward, I slept soundly and fully. My anger evaporated. I still worked through withdrawal, depression, and so on. Letting go, finding acceptance and peace.

Forgiving myself took a while longer. And was also a pivotal moment along my life’s journey. It was likewise freeing.

D