We are 6 weeks further now after my last thread and I thought it was time to share where I am currently.
As you know, EXH has entered another phase of its MLC since mid-2022. The process is moving slowly but still in the right direction which is great news.
The contact with the children is getting better and better. He's trying incredibly hard to be a good father to them. A father who approaches them positively, who is caring and who is also very open about his feelings, and this too in a good way.
Next week he will go on a city trip with them for 2 days. This is the first time since the start of his MLC that he will be completely on his own with our children for longer than 1 full day. They are also looking forward to it.
The contact between us is also very good. I wanted to build a friendly relationship and so far I have succeeded. However, we have a very strong attraction to each other that is difficult to explain, but we can now also name this and deal with it in a good way.
I was on my guard so that I wouldn't make the same mistake I did in the past and lose myself in him, but today I feel stronger than ever. It is true that the strings are now in my hands. I also have never been more honest to him than these past weeks.
We see each other at least once a week, only the 2 of us, this to talk, have dinner, etc. He shares a lot of information and I can also ask a lot about what has happened in recent years. He tells me about all the things he has destroyed, he speaks a lot about losing himself completely in all the ways possible. He still has a lot hanging above his head, a lot of consequences in regards to his destructive behavior of the past years and he is very afraid of how to deal with that. But he knows this is something he needs to deal with on his own. We have also talked a lot about our past relationship and marriage.
He is a different person in many ways. Especially to express his feelings. Also to the self-knowledge he has now. Amazingly interesting to see how well he knows himself now. He has apparently been doing a lot of reading and self-evaluation for months now. However, many things have not yet been processed, but he realizes that he still has a long way to go.
It strikes me that the destructive behavior is almost gone, the depression is also less present, but most importantly, the human, or rather the monster he was during his MLC has completely disappeared and he seems to be the human he was before his MLC but different in many ways as well. Hard to explain.
However, he is very insecure about us. He told me that I am the love of his life, that there is no one who understands him as well as I do, that I am his compass, that he is rudderless without me but that through all the circumstances and everything he has done to me , can't / won't make promises about the future, this because he doesn’t trust himself. He wants me to be happy, and he now sees that I am and doesn't want to destroy this. The weird thing is that I feel the same way. We still love each other so much but both do not know if a permanent relationship could still be possible. However, I tell him that we do not need to know this now, that the future will tell.
What I do know now, however, is that it had to be that one of us 2 would meet someone new, that we wouldn't be able to be in each other's lives. I also made this clear to him. We are still way too intertwined that this wouldn't work for me. He realizes this and knows that this was also one of the reasons why it didn't work in his relationships. I was always in the background. For me, however, this is also the reason why I don't allow anyone else in my life today. But I don’t need this either for now.
So for now the situation we find ourselves in today. I don't know where we're going, but I'm not afraid anymore, I know I'll be okay at the end of the day, and that's the main thing.
I wish you a very happy ending of 2022. May the New Year bring all of you good health, lots of love, peace and happiness.
