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I haven't updated here since January so I thought I would pop over and say hello. I don't have much to share. I would say life is going well for me and my family. Kids are getting older and we now have an adult on their own, an adult in college and one kiddo still under the roof. H and I are fine. I would not say we have much excitement or romance but I am also not looking for that or trying to create it. Not right now anyways. Most days we get along fine and have a peaceful life and household. I like the stability and friendship we maintain. I try not to take my M for granted and am grateful for what we do have.
I have lost track of my timeline at this point. I could not tell you off the top of my head when his A started, when he left and when he starting coming back to the M. I would need to look back at my threads or find another way to trace back some dates. But what I can tell you is that during my sitch, I NEVER thought I would get to the position that I am now where I have lost track of time. I was so consumed with my own thoughts, fears, anxiety, humiliation, etc, that I could not imagine a life with him again where things could be peaceful and okay. I couldn't really imagine any life. I was simply trying to survive. I can tell you today from where I sit that humans--all of us--we are resilient. We are so much more capable to get through trauma and grief than we give ourselves credit for.
I wish I had some pearls of wisdom to share with you all. What I realize now is that I actually knew it all along, I just couldn't or wouldn't accept those truths. I would often tell myself, "you won't feel this way forever," and "this terrible feeling will pass," and also, "your life will be okay again with or without him." I knew what I needed to know inside but wasn't ready to hear it. I know now that I was right all along. I am okay in my M but I know I would also have been okay without it. I think working through the trauma and allowing yourself to process and heal, really does make you a stronger person. But there really are no shortcuts or ways around that. We have to feel it and face it. It takes so much longer than you might think. Years and years. But also, I think it is worth it. We are both stronger people now. I like myself more than I did before. We are all capable of change if we are willing to do the hard work.
