Ugh DW that is not a “thank you” moment. It’s a I understand you feel that way but we will not be friends when we divorce. End of discussion.
Originally Posted by R2C
So why did you leave this out of your first post about the interaction? It is hard for us to give appropriate feedback if details are missing.
Yeah, I kinda botched that. Wasn't sure what to say, but I see how I need to make that clear to W. She has to KNOW she is losing something. I doubt she currently feels that way, despite me previously telling her that we would not be friends after D. She needs to know I'm serious about it. And I will try to make sure I include the important details in my posts so you guys have all the relevant info.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Typical WAS. No follow-thru. If you read through the situations here, most LBSs end up being the one to file for D. Because the WAS is usually lazy, and after they state what they want they just expect it will happen. DW17, have you considered setting a drop-dead date? A date that if she isn't recommitted fully back to the marriage then you will hire a lawyer and go file yourself? Do you know how long you are willing to live in the current situation? Being married to someone that clearly doesn't want to be married to you, isn't willing to put any work into the marriage, and goes around making it abundantly clear how miserable they are?
I decided that I will wait this out one year from the time W went crazy, which was when I went out of state for work last summer. So my drop dead date is June 1. I do anticipate being the one to file, and I will try my best to make it that far, but I wouldn't be surprised if it ends up being earlier than that.
IHS is tough. You've been with someone for 22 years, but then have to try to act like friendly acquaintances in a shared living space while raising kids together. I think my current struggle is that things feel like they are slipping back into normalcy and I don't think it's a good kind of normal. I've seen recent posts on other threads about the need for things to be a little uncomfortable. I have been doing my own thing, taking care of the kids, giving space, no talks about R, detaching pretty well, focusing on GAL, and my emotions have been in check for the most part. I messed up trying to set boundaries to the point where they were so ineffective that I had to take a pause. And some of the things I was trying to do have slipped back as well. For example, answering phone calls. I don't always answer, but sometimes, like this morning where we are trying to coordinate getting 2 kids around with snow related issues, I know the calls are likely important. I understand that if I am not consistent with things, they will not work. I've raised kids long enough to understand it, but I guess it's a little different applying it to my W. I will continue to work on this.
Currently W is still not providing much help with anything regarding the kids or around the house. Tried to set some plans for who is taking care of D4 and on which days, that didn't really work. My wife would rather just figure it out each week and be flexible with who has which day on the weekends. That has worked for the most part as I've been able to do things whenever I wanted, so maybe a strict schedule isn't necessary. But maybe that's just me letting her set the expectations because she's too lazy to plan ahead. Probably the latter.
Tried to set plans for cooking/grocery duties swapping each week. That didn't work either. W bought groceries, but it was a week late and has only cooked a couple of days. This is "my week" to cook, so I'll try and have a plan for next week.
I think my biggest problem is that I just need to actually apply all of the advice I've been getting and be consistent with it. I think that after discussing divorce with a few people, going through the paperwork, and gaining a better understanding of what to expect, much of the fear I had has been relieved. I don't think I fear upsetting W anymore and I no longer fear that anything I say will be the final nail in the coffin. I've been hoping that her therapy will be some kind of magic fix for things, which is stupid to think and is something I have no control over. I do know that to even put myself in position to turn this thing around, I have to take more control over this situation. I will try my best to focus on that for the next few weeks.
