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I am not actually intending to post anymore, at least not at the moment, but I wanted to leave an open thread in case any old friends want to find me over the years.
Sometimes I have wanted to post to old friends with closed threads, even if I don't think they will ever see it, like a cave drawing left for the ages to find.
Maybe once in a while I will post an update. Today I will only say this:
The journey you are on is not to save your marriage. I thought that too, I made my marriage an idol and thought if I didn't fix it, I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do. But walking in the light doesn't mean avoiding the darkness. Someone who lives through a war isn't at fault for not always having enough to feed her children. All we can do is lead a life full of light no matter what circumstances come our way. That's the path I am on. And my path is very very difficult, but I am not unhappy. The journey is not to get your marriage back. It's to walk in the light until you get your marriage back or to walk in the light without your marriage back. The marriage is almost irrelevant, and until your spouse thinks the marriage is relevant to who s/he is, you will not get it back anyway. But you can be the person you are meant to be whether or not that happens. Your journey is to discover why you are here on this earth. I believe God created marriage to help us become our best selves. He created some other things to do that as well, and He even uses the awful things we do to each other to help us become our best selves, when we open our hearts and listen and walk a better path and give light and love to others no matter what happened to us. I am a wounded weirdo with many flaws and I made and make many mistakes, but I can see that this is the goal for my life, and I see that it is possible to walk in love even when I fall off that path at times, especially when falling off is because of my own wounds.
I am listening to the book, "What Happened to You?" with Oprah and a neuroscientist who is a child psychiatrist as well. It is life changing and explains so much of why I was drawn to my H to begin with. It has already helped me be a better mom to my kids. I recommend it to anyone reading this!
From the end of "The Snow Queen." I did walk through the door, just not with little Kay. Or perhaps with the real little Kay, I know Someone is walking with me.
“You are a fine fellow to go gadding about in this way,” said she to little Kay, “I should like to know whether you deserve that any one should go to the end of the world to find you.”
But Gerda patted her cheeks, and asked after the prince and princess.
“They are gone to foreign countries,” said the robber-girl.
“And the crow?” asked Gerda.
“Oh, the crow is dead,” she replied; “his tame sweetheart is now a widow, and wears a bit of black worsted round her leg. She mourns very pitifully, but it is all stuff. But now tell me how you managed to get him back.”
Then Gerda and Kay told her all about it.
“Snip, snap, snare! it’s all right at last,” said the robber-girl.
Then she took both their hands, and promised that if ever she should pass through the town, she would call and pay them a visit. And then she rode away into the wide world. But Gerda and Kay went hand-in-hand towards home; and as they advanced, spring appeared more lovely with its green verdure and its beautiful flowers. Very soon they recognized the large town where they lived, and the tall steeples of the churches, in which the sweet bells were ringing a merry peal as they entered it, and found their way to their grandmother’s door. They went upstairs into the little room, where all looked just as it used to do. The old clock was going “tick, tick,” and the hands pointed to the time of day, but as they passed through the door into the room they perceived that they were both grown up, and become a man and woman. The roses out on the roof were in full bloom, and peeped in at the window; and there stood the little chairs, on which they had sat when children; and Kay and Gerda seated themselves each on their own chair, and held each other by the hand, while the cold empty grandeur of the Snow Queen’s palace vanished from their memories like a painful dream.
