Would appreciate some advice here if possible. Was sucked into a relationship talk a short while ago. W is really amped up about this next MC appointment that I planned to skip, to focus on IC. I politely explained that this was the path I wished to take, but she cornered me to say that I was being arrogant in not going. She furthered that with a statement about wanting out and this counselor helped with that process.
I was mostly successful with a 180 of not returning fire and validated her feelings, but it kept turning to me "having options" (family nearby to move in with) and that I didn't get to keep her in this marriage. I gestured toward the door and said I wasn't stopping her, but I didn't want the breakup of the family on my conscience.
Maybe ease off of the guilt with her.
It's okay to let her live her decisions by letting her know that you have no plans to move, yet maybe not point out to her about breaking up the family....
It just seems a little vindictive. No matter how true it might be.
IF there is hope of having anything in the future, her feeling judged will NOT point you toward that direction...
Seems pretty simple though....
I would like to pursue IC for now, when that changes, I will let you know...
Originally Posted by Doug54
That was followed with talk of her having to get a lawyer and how this process would be "more expensive than it has to be" - not sure if this meant a separation or officially filing, which is a little purposeless in my state if you're not separated yet. I said I understood that she felt frustrated but that I didn't plan to leave my own house.
For now, don't try and borrow trouble from the future.
You never know how this will play out, just focus on you for now....
Don't get sukced into any conversations that you aren't ready to have...
Don't ring any bells that can't be un-rung...
And don't ask any questions that you really don't want answered....
Originally Posted by Doug54
She does not have the means to move out and her family is hours away. The kids will be starting school soon, which has always been a two-parent process in our household (mom= morning; dad = afternoon). I'm just not sure how tense it may get around here. I know I shouldn't surmise her thought process or inclinations, but I almost wonder if just going to the MC session would calm the waters for now. Not to act in a co-dependent way, but I'd prefer the kids not be subject to further arguing.
From what I've seen....things will more than likely get worse before they can get any better...
I've likened it to a Space Shuttle analogy...
When they would launch the Shuttle, they had these booster tanks attached to them because of the amount of fuel they consumed during lift off....
Once they ascended to the desired altitude and the fuel was used, the tanks would fall away....
Think of this right now, as that....
Her anger (the tanks) is her fuel to "push away" from you, the marriage, friends, family, and whoever doesn't support her decisions.
The harder it is to get off of the ground, the more fuel(anger) she will burn trying to lift off...
Things aren't great in her head right now either, and the anger allows her to paint you in an undesirable position.
There will be things that she says that will not be entirely true, yet to her, they are VERY true...
Thing is...
YOU get to choose what is true to you also...
And the difference??
The things that send that little 'sting" up the back of your neck ??
Those are the things that you typically don't like about yourself....
Those are the things that you dig deep inside of yourself to change...
D.....this didn't break in a day, and it won't be fixed in a day....
For now, just try and take care of yourself....
And remember that you will never talk your way out of something that you acted your way into.....
Set some goals for YOU....
Find something new that you have always wanted to do....
