My husband also had a long-distance A. I think that the limerence stage of a long-distance A lasts a lot longer than if they have the opportunity to see each other frequently. My H's affair lasted about two years, followed by about nine months of stopping and then starting talking to her again, then another six months of moping around feeling sorry for himself before I feel like he really rededicated himself to our M. So yes, a marathon, not a sprint.
My advice to you is first of all, spend some time really thinking about what *you* want and what matters to you. What are you okay with, and what aren't you okay with? I see people asking you what you'll do if you find out she is in a PA, or if she goes to visit him-- I urge you to think this all through very carefully. Don't just take an extreme knee-jerk reaction and move on (PA = D or you'll take her back no matter what). Talking to an L or a Ded friend can help take the fear out of the path of separation or divorce. Go down all the various paths of what the future might look like, and decide where your boundaries are, what your core values are and how to align your life with your values, and what you need in your life to be healthy and happy. Please know that this looks different for different people. You know yourself the best and need to figure this out for yourself. it might take time. That's okay.
Next, you need to stop worrying about what she's doing and thinking and just LET IT ALL GO. Some of the things you've said about your wife make you sound kind of controlling, like how to stop her from talking to her IC who you perceive to be threatening to your M, how to make her be more considerate about your son, etc. You control you. That's it. If she decides she wants to end the A and reconcile with you, that is a choice she will need to make on her own, not because you coerced her into it. Just let go and focus on yourself and your son.
As others have said, same with spending time parsing through things she says to you-- it means nothing. She probably is torn and conflicted. That's her job to worry about, not yours.
I know how you feel because I've been there-- spouse still living in the house, says they want out but not going anywhere, in a long distance affair. In some ways I think this situation is harder because you have to see them every day so you have to be DBing all the time-- no real breaks. They're not making the decision so either you have to either make it for them by kicking them out or moving out yourself, or you can wait it out. It's HARD.
Finally, re: respect-- if you respect yourself, people will either respect you back or you won't give a flying F if they don't. Trying to parse out actions that will result in your wife respecting you more is just focusing on her again. Stop trying to do things that are aimed at manipulating her into doing or feeling a certain way. Again-- you have to let go and focus on yourself, not on her. Also, I just have to say-- PEOPLE can't be in healthy relationships with PEOPLE they don't respect. I don't think this is a woman needs to respect a man kind of thing. That feels gross. Partners need to respect each other, period.
