If a specific post was interesting or useful to you, we recommend that you Like that post. It tells the post author, and others, that you found the information valuable. Clicking Like is another way to let others know that you enjoy it without leaving a comment.
Log in to join the conversation and Like this content.
I’m glad the surgery went smoothly. It’s going to take a few more trips to maintain the lift less than ten pounds for four weeks. I was thinking how I’d have to do my grocery shopping with such a restriction. Stick with the advice so you heal well. 27 days to go.
Yes, working will help move your focus away from the current situation. Things will seep in once and a while, and even slam in at times. Yet, the frequency and duration of these occurrences will lessen and grow dim.
All the questions bouncing around in your head are all perfectly normal.
Originally Posted by Stella20
don't even know how to start processing this. Is it really all true?? I don't think I will ever have the answer to that question.
Have faith my dear, you will be amazed at what you will discover and answer about yourself and your situation. That particular answer… strangely, in time will not matter nearly as much as it currently feels. On your horizon are the questions you don’t yet realize. Ones you are still formulating. The answers to those are the truly important headings and direction of life. However, as you stated - how to start processing all this. And that starts with coming to terms with the reality of the situation. Is it really all true?? A good healthy approach, and perfectly normal.
Originally Posted by Stella20
It is all very hard for me to believe, I don't know...Dealing with the facts that I already have is hard enough..I just wish I could shut off my heart and mind to him...someday.. I miss the man I knew, when does that go away?
You mind is listening. A tip/advice: It is all very hard for me to believe accept.
Words hold an incredible power, often overlooked. Accuracy in thought and heart helps with clarity and healing, IMHO.
I’m not sure “it” ever goes away. The pain does get far far less than you are currently languishing within. In fact, it becomes kind of sweet. Pretty much pain-free, and a welcomed gentle breezy reminder of what once was. If you can imagine that.
My advice, as said often, keep your heart soft and squishy. Shutting off your heart and mind is not possible, and not really something that would serve you, nor something you’d truly desire. Therefore, turn your energies from wishing regarding H, to hoping and believing in you. Focus on you.
Dealing with the facts, and the feelings, of the situation is part of rationalizing things. The finding understanding part of the process. You are doing fine. You’ve been through the wringer, and are doing amazingly, from my vantage point.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I don't understand how he can completly ignore me, not care at all if I am dead or alive. Said he would shovel the rest of the winter..never happened... said he would drop off the forms for the pool opening.. never happened.. said he would stop by and talk... never happened, I don't think I even want him to stop by anymore, whats the point. He is lost, I do not see him getting through this, and if he does..what will be left then? He is not my H anymore, maybe he never really was and it was a 21 year act. I just don't think it was, I beleive he did love me.
Yep, it is incredible how they can switch it all off. My W, the mother of our four kids, the gal who shared 31 years together, did not care if I lived or died. Yes, it is amazing how these folks become completely lost, become the complete opposite of who we knew.
You have ample examples and evidence of “believe nothing they say and only half of what they do”. These lost souls have the attention span of a gnat. They really do not follow through with things. They just run off to the next shinny keep my focus off myself and my pain so I can make believe that everything is great; until they tire. If they ever do. Some do not. And others just tire, quit running, and live their horrible stuck lives they find themselves embroiled within. A rare few do awaken and do the inner work. All we can do, is let go and give them to God.
For what it’s worth, “I believe he did love me”, hang on to that. Believe that. You have memory of 21 years together, don’t let the present confusion destroy it. Accuracy in heart and thought. MLCers commonly rewrite their history, ensure you don’t do the same. And do not overly exaggerate it either.
These troubled and tormented folks have some truly questionable and horrible morals. I’ve found they exist for quite a time compartmentalizing their various characteristics. This keeps things mostly in check and unseen. Then along comes the pressures of midlife and it blows this compartmentalizing balancing right apart.
The seeds for crisis are sown long ago. Morals and values are taught and reinforced at a young age; H’s path was set long before he ever met you. Everyone experiences a midlife transition. For the hurt and emotionally stunted person, the ones with poor coping skills and immature emotions, a crisis consumes them. And everything about them blows apart.
An interesting tidbit. You are now the keeper of the memory of your marriage and life together. H, well the personality he currently is, has overwritten his memory and version of it. It really is astounding the fragility of the mind (as well as its strength).
It is equally astounding the fortitude of the heart, and conviction of the soul.
Originally Posted by Stella20
God, he is so lost.. I know I have to keep working on detaching. Today just hit me the one person I wanted to talk to about my new job was my old H, but he is dead, gone.. Posting all about his wonderful new life, partying like a rock star with no care in the world. I know I should block him, just haven't gotten there yet.. He just removed his married to me status too.
(((Hugs)))
You bet. There were so many things I so wanted to tell J too. I know and empathize where you are.
It took me months to finally block J on FB. Ha. Block me from her. Best to be accurate. Right?
It’s not H you’re blocking, it’s you. Detachment does happen. However, trips down memory lane, peaking on social media, etc. all prolong the withdrawal and lengthen the detachment process. And therefore lengthens the duration of pain.
That being said, we all need to come to it, to find our path, in our time. You will take your steps when you are ready. All I (we) are doing is showing a path. It’s up to you.
