Hey G. Forgive me as I havent read through all the responses. I know you know that we had similar childhoods. My mom, of course, did not commit suicide so that is definitely a whole other level, particularly at one of the most developmentally important times in a young woman's life. I cannot imagine the pain for you.
The people pleasing character, empathy, and all the other stuff we share as a result of being children of addicts..I can certainly relate to.
I still have stuff left over from all of that..and honestly, I dont think some of it is ever going away. I work on it and recognize it, but, I feel some of it is so ingrained in me from dealing with all of my mother's issues from birth, really, that it has become a part of me.
And for the most part, I am ok with that. Do I wish I had more confidence, yep..do I wish that I wasnt still waiting for validation sometimes..yep again. And there is more.
What I have tried to do is be ok with it. I like that I have a great deal of empathy..to a fault sometimes. I like that I like to see other people happy and if I can help I do.
I try to balance it so that it isnt unhealthy and detrimental to me. And sometimes, often times, I can. Sometimes, though, old habits die hard. I am who I am for the most part. Always trying to grow and learn, but also realizing I am a good person who wouldnt hurt anyone intentionally. I am enough.
You know I always told you that you are way too hard on yourself. You still are.
I also think while I love to analyze, sometimes just shutting our brains off and living is a good thing.
I think you spend a lot of time on the what ifs in regard to relationships. I also think you are still blaming yourself for what you consider "Failures".
2 things about that...one, 2 people are always responsible in a relationship.. that goes for the good things and the bad things.
Careful to just take your stuff...leave theirs to them. And the other thing is that people come into our lives for a reason.. and sometimes those reasons are to give us knowledge of ourselves.
I think you should let the past go as best you can...what happened with your past relationships happened when you were different.
And let go of not being with someone when others are..and all that stuff.
You are right where you are supposed to be...with the knowledge you are gained and the growth you have aquired.
Be you in every situation...not the you, you think people expect. The real you,..the funny, caring, successful, endearing you...and screw who ever doesnt like it,...
