Been blessedly dream-free of exh. Change is a-coming at work and soon.
I've done nothing to get Mom and Dad's house ready to rent or sell. I know that I need to take action. Perhaps I am, because the grief is not as paralyzing, and I do feel ready to take some steps.
Part of this process of course has stirred up remnants of old grief from my marriage, with some surprises added in. For example, it occurred to me that for 26 years (the duration of my relationship with my exh) we were surrounded by a lot of people whom we'd thought of at the time as our family, friends and support system. In retrospect, that was far from true, although not uniformly the case. My parents certainly loved us both and supported us in all ways. My beloved Uncle Billy and Auntie Lois adored our son as though he were their own grandson, and loved and supported us with the perfect balance of tough love when needed, and gentleness, meaning they loved us enough to ask the hard questions when it was necessary, whether it was about work, relationship, parenting, or personal growth and also provide gentle support.
But what about my in-laws? What about two dear friends whom we thought of as family? I always knew my ex-mil hated me, as frankly, she would hate any woman involved with her son. A true narcissist, her interference caused so much pain in our marriage and to me personally. But she wasn't content to stop there. Oh, no. She told anyone who would listen so many outright lies about me. She also has done the same to my son, trying to turn him against me, belittling me at every opportunity. It's why he has almost nothing to do with her, which causes him pain.
I was recently struck with a random memory of ex's step Dad, whom I really loved, saying to me once that I was a true dilettante. I just brushed it off at the time, but it hurt. Yes I happen to know quite a lot of stuff about many different subjects, but I'm no dilettante. I'm a life-long student, with a keen interest in many subjects. But that's not the narrative that ex-mil promulgated.
I remembered how she told her siblings and their spouses that I squeaked by and barely graduated college. Imagine exh's aunt's surprise when she found out the truth - cum laude, 3.5 gpa, 16 credits taken each of my last three semesters, all while working a very demanding sales engineering job. But not really surprise, right? because she certainly did know her sil, after all and had her own issues with my ex-mil's overstepping boundaries and lying.
I remember telling K a while ago that I didn't ever want to meet someone's people - that was a huge deterrent to dating for me. At the time he asked me if I was serious? I said I was. He said I was a freak, jokingly, but was truly puzzled by my position. No mystery - it's hard enough to open up to a potential lover. To open up to that lover's "people," risk being mistreated again. No. For the longest time I would rather be alone than risk meeting someone's friends and family and having to face that potential rejection or outright interference.
Now it's important for me to pull this poison out of my system, analyze it, acknowledge the hurt and pain it caused, and release it so it no longer has any power over me. This ruminating has resulted in my realizing just how much damage was caused by what should have been peripheral people to our lives or worse, family. 26 years of abuse to purge. So maybe I'm taking action after all, because I do feel like I'm releasing a lot of this and ready to take more concrete action.
How pervasive this all is. On the surface it was MLC. Years and so much work later ... it's so much more. I will no longer allow myself to be abused by a partner or their "people" ... I deserve to be truly valued, as do we all!
I hope something here resonates and inspires someone not to settle for less, to remember your worth, to value yourself enough to stand tall, set healthy boundaries.
