Hi Cathy,

Just a few things.

1) I really truly think your husband is deeply depressed, that being said if he refuses to get help for his mental health you are under no obligation to deal with it. You are under no obligation to deal with his outburst, or his paranoia, or his made up history of your relationship. Think of him as a mean drunk. Would you take this if he has AODA issues? If the answer is no, then don't take it. Depression is treatable, if he chooses not to treat it that's on him

2) IHS is super intense and really hard. I'd recommend reading through the MLC thread. Their situations aren't exactly the same as yours but I think it would be more similar than a lot of the newbies' situations here. You in particular might want to look at cardinal's thread. No kids, IHS, H is petty and mean, and can be verbally abusive. She's been doing this a long time, and they are finally in the D stage but he's still in the house and dragging his feet every step of the way. Maybe it'll help you if you see how common this hot mess is.

3) The best thing you can do for you and for your MR is to worry about you and do your best to work toward detaching. The sooner you can step back from H and his ugly words the better you will feel. The sooner you get some of yourself back the sooner you can stop walking on eggshells in your own house. Take some of that energy you've being dumping into worry about this, and trying to save this and worry about you and save you from this. Your mental health matters here. Yout feelings matter here. You matter. And you being happy, healthy, and whole is more important than anything else right now. Exercise radical self love. H doesn't want to love you any more. Fine. You're going to love yourself better than he ever did.

Good luck. You can do this.