I am flabbergasted how many of you take offense to the WW spouse being unhappy. I didn't even say it was the LBS fault. The egos on you people lol.
The danger in not saying that clearly LH is that LBSs are particularly prone to taking responsibility for the failure of the marriage on themselves - and it's really important for them to know that they were not in charge of their spouses happiness. Sure, there are bad spouses that are responsible for the breakdown of their marriage - that is NOT most people who linger here. Most of us have done tons of work on ourselves, re-examined our assumptions, improved ourselves - that is the gift of this crucible. But it's important for people to know that none of that will necessarily save the marriage because the typical LBS leaves because of their OWN issues, which may be unhappiness, or may be narcissism or sociopathy, or may be a cheater who has to leave because their spouse found out or because they get stuck in a relationship with an OM/OW through pregnancy or some other factor.
As for still trying to figure things out - that's REALLY important. People that don't do that repeat the same mistakes when they choose their next partners, or make other errors trying to partner up too quickly. When I say that my ex was an idiot who had it all and that his leaving was about his own issues, I can say that with confidence not because of my own ego, but because I have examined my role, his role, made numerous changes, seen hundreds of similar situations here, and seen both his behavior since the marriage and the viewpoint of several men who have dated me since the divorce. It is really freeing to understand in the rear view mirror that it truly never was about me. Analyzing what went wrong, what red flags we missed, how we might avoid similar mistakes in the future is important.
For instance - have you truly understood how YOUR affair may have been what brought down your marriage, LH? You swept it under the rug, buried it, and deprived your wife of the agency in her own life to decide whether she wanted to be married to someone who had cheated on her. She likely sensed something off in your relationship when you were in your affair - no one hides it as well as they think they do. She may have just thought you were stressed at work, or irritable for some mysterious reason, or whatever - but it likely changed your relationship in ways that you aren't aware. And I can only imagine that finding out years later that you had lied to her for YEARS - well, that may well have been the reason she wasn't willing to do the work to keep the family together. She might well have made different choices in her life in those years if she had known, even if she had stayed in the marriage. She might have made different career and financial choices, knowing that the marriage was on shaky grounds. Maybe it would serve you to do more work on why you cheated, rather than just "I was unhappy and I saw a better future with someone else". That's okay for when you are just dating, but not for when you have taken wedding vows.
