Very kind of you to ask for an update. I haven't posted anything for a while, for various reasons. (busy at work, holidays, children have been home a lot and G who demands a lot of my free time)
It has now been 3 weeks since my last report and there are certain things that are now very noticeable. This is primarily due to a change in G's behavior, but of course also a great deal due to the fact that I have gained the upper hand in the whole process.
Your thread of the 13th of January in "A great Life," in other words your response to LH, is actually a perfect expression of how I feel about the whole situation today and how I'm dealing with it.
I'm doing really well. I have found a certain dynamic with G the last few weeks that I can relate to perfectly. We are building a friendship again and we do a lot of things together. For example, we go for a weekly walk and we have found a favorite cafe where we go afterwards to talk (sometimes 2 to 3 hours). We play a lot of cards, do sports or go shopping together, watch movies and series, make dinner together, etc. Sometimes that involves a bit more as already mentioned in the past, but this doesn't happen often. For both this is sufficient, this does not have to be for me today. I myself have found that I am not ready for that either, even if he wanted to, which is also not the case.
The processing of his MLC is very clear:
•He has bought books in which traumas from his childhood are central. For example, there is one book he is reading at the moment of which he says “that’s me on a T”. In this book he learns tips and tricks on how to deal and process his trauma’s. He even need to keep a diary and is obviously very protective of that. He has days when he reads a lot and is fully engaged in it, other days he spends a whole day in his couch, watching the same movies over and over, processing. For example, last week he got up and said that for the first time in his life he had dreamed about his mother. That it dawned on him that on regular times, when f.e. his M and Stepfather had an argument, she gave the family the silent treatment for a whole week and that the tension was palpable and how he had suffered because of it. He had forgotten all this but this suddenly surfaced in his dream. He links all his problems more and more to his M.
•He also cut off all individual communication with her. Today he does not want any contact. He wants ‘to make her feel it'.
•He is going on a trip to the snow for a week with his old best friend (BF’s before MLC) soon.
•He goes for a weekly walk with his father. This contact was completely broken for the last 2.5 years and is in reparation modus, slow but steady.
I’m convinced he is in the last 3 phases currently, that is very clear now. You see a lot of depression in him, at times very withdrawn, then his alter egos are active from his past, but at many times simply the combination of the old and the new H.
That is why I like to put it this way.
- You have G, which is a combination of the old H and new H
- You have MLC H, his 5 year old, 17 year old or 40 year old him
However, you can see the phases in both personalities. And yes, the temptation is huge to stay comfortably in his fog, that much is clear. That is why the steps he is taking are going very, very slow.
Drinking is reduced but still absolutely present and necessary in his opinion. Since he sleeps very badly, he now sometimes takes a sleeping pill.
When MLC H comes up you can see that there is a strong awareness, he knows it, especially if you point out that he is going back. That's why I sometimes make fun of this and compare him to a character from a series which is now very popular on Netflix, named After Life with Ricky Gervais. If you can watch it, definitely do so. Then I playfully tell him “Tony (= the main character) is back”. Then he starts laughing. (these are things I could never do in the past years)
Now the main thing I have learnt as an LBS is that you have to stay calm under all circumstances and just have to give them time. This helps enormously and works for me 99% of the time.
I am not saying that it is always easy and that is why I also want to give an example so that it is somewhat understandable:
We were away for a walk recently, just had some drinks in our favorite cafe and I said something about his behavior in a certain situation. He said casually, ‘OW2 always said this as well that I did this’. Normally this doesn't bother me much, and I just let this pass but this time it had touched me a bit (I guess the few wines I had were working on my feelings 😊) and there was a certain disappointment in my voice when I responded. Wow, his reaction…this is then paradise for him when he is MLC H at that moment, and therefore a reason to start an argument. I would almost dare to say that he sometimes provokes it. According to him, this indicated that I still had much difficulties with the situation, then came up with the argument that he could no longer live under one roof with me because of my "expectations", while I had not said anything at all, only the disappointment that was somewhat audible. Back at home he started again and I firmly said that if he wanted to go, there is the door, and that I wouldn’t stop him from leaving, but also that I no longer wanted to have those relationship conversations with him. He immediately backed off, stopped the argument and agreed with me on the whole level.
As for GAL, I meeting my good (male) friend this Saturday for shopping and dinner. I know this friend from my childhood. We had lost touch with each other but have been in regular contact since last year. Nothing could ever grow out of our relationship, it is purely friendship, nothing more. G is aware of this and pretends to understand, but can't help asking questions about it regularly. He also always says that this friend probably expects more than friendship. I don’t really give him a lot of response on that.
Wow, longer thread than I expected...
Sorry if it's a bit boring but wanted to give as much information as possible.
