Hello Adios

My XW and her OM are still living together after 4+ years.

Affairs are built upon a foundation of sand. These illicit relationships require enormous energies to maintain, for sand is a terrible ground for which to build if one desires long lasting. The underpinnings of that relationship slip and slide, and will poorly weather the storms of life. Consider from which it was crafted - lies, deceit, cheating, adultery, and such; hardly the stuff of a healthy strong respectful relationship.

Sand crumbles. The foundation can only hold a structure that is of a certain size. The adulterer and the affair partner are emotionally less than idea folks; usually quite broken. Their fantasy of a relationship may have lofty dreams and heights, and falls flat. They continuously scoop up the pieces and pack them together again. Eventually, this effort becomes not enough.

A few different paths can be taken:

One may grow and realize their lustful wayward ways and leave. Usually, this requires much drama, arguing, blaming, and so on. One needs to get fed up enough to actually leave. Yeah, I know, it’s not emotionally healthy; realize they’ve only grown a little at this point and require a self-induce shove to actual leave. If that person is our spouse/ex they might start walking a better path. If the affair partner kicked them out, then another affair partner is usually sought.

Both may just get tired. Affairs are emotionally poor choices. Each is using the other. One or two families are broken during the creation of this relationship. Ignoring such obvious truth takes considerable energies; part of that relationship maintenance I spoke of. People wear down. The shinny new exciting boink-fest becomes emotionally drab and distant. The obvious truth no longer capable to be hidden behind infatuation. Depending upon their age (and abilities to cope and heal): Younger one’s breakup and have another affair/running. Older folks wind up giving up and existing as a somewhat couple. Usually quite a sad couple; our once spouse winding away their remaining years haunted by memories of what once was and what could have been.

Remember many of these cheaters also get mixed up in other behaviours like spending, drinking, drugs, and other youthful-feeling-inducing activities (often illicit) to take the focus off their pain. The affair is just such a distraction. It is a symptom, which means little. And for those who continue to live such a life based in such little meaningful purpose, they do suffer.

At any time, a person could, and can, decide to live better. However, that requires a wanting and willingness to change. Suffering and hitting rock bottom is usually required for one to make such a life altering decision. The modern age is far too easy to distract one’s self from their suffering which does seem to prolong the process of self awareness. And can even stall it indefinitely.

Four years is quite a long time, and isn’t. For you, me, and other healthy rational folks, yes four years of a relationship is a pretty good indicator of relationship health. For those in emotional turmoil, not so much.

Most are simply not capable of the requisite emotional growth to form a healthy long lasting relationship. And to have both AP and our once spouse be capable of such growth at a similar time is quite rare. Not unheard of, just very rare. Hence, the tired sad couple outcome.

Less rare is an actual awakening. When such might happen is anyone’s guess. And people, especially MLCers, are a very chaotic system. There is a general pattern and probability of awakening, which does trend downward after a certain time. When/if one would awaken, and what they will do, only God knows for sure.

As a LBS, we live and love our life. Follow our beliefs and values. And give them to God.

Have a wonderful day.

D