If we had to take a guess, what's the success rate of people on here using this approach?
If you are talking about saving your marriage immediately about 5-10% after bomb drop in which the person actually means it.
Originally Posted by costanza
I'm assuming most people come here in an attempt to make the rocky relationship get back on the rails, right?
Yes
Originally Posted by costanza
I guess there are also some people that came here looking for a way to cope and move on from the divorce?
Maybe but 99% come to this board to save their marriage
Originally Posted by costanza
For the people that failed in rekindling the relationship, what's the main reason it failed?
It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and in my case I was the only one willing to try.
Originally Posted by costanza
Failure to apply the technique correctly or just bigger issues beyond the what the method could achieve?
No I was pretty good at DBing but she had already checked out. Its hard to turn a ship that is full steam ahead.
Originally Posted by costanza
Did anyone sway completely off course and still succeed?
I think there are a few out of thousands of cases on here.
Originally Posted by costanza
Reason I ask, from what I gather there are many that swear by the technique, yet still failed, but claim its the only way to get it back.
Again by the time you get here your odds are very low.
Originally Posted by costanza
The method describes my personality when dating over 12 years ago, it's exactly what I was doing before settling down. Not proud of it, but I was very picky in life and dated a lot of women and hurt many of them. I settled down with my wife/x-wife and had kids much later in life. My past was a bit of an issue with my wife/x-wife, she really had a hard time with the aloofness and cold/hot during the first years of dating. I actually broke off with her after a year, but ended up getting back with her after a 9 month break. I really wanted to be sure of my decision.
Actually you did a very smart thing by dating lots of women to be sure.
Originally Posted by costanza
It really hurt her and she let me know about it for years.
So the resentment starts to build
Originally Posted by costanza
Now, what I'm questioning is the whole distancing technique, My wife/x-wife is the most sensitive person I know, she would want me to fight for her, and often mentions how I gave up on her so quick the first time. I've let her down in the past by being hard to get and aloof, if anything, that is one of the things i need to change in myself. I understand the roles are reversed now, and she's the one asking for divorce, I might sound like a broken record, but this is not her.
Ok so what does fighting for her look like to you?
Originally Posted by costanza
My wife/x-wife is fighting depression and medicated. She is not herself, what kind of person is ok with abandoning that at the first sign of divorce? Especially with kids 2 & 4 involved? Isn't "manning up" about being strong and believing in something no matter the odds and obstacles? That must in some way count for something? Maybe not today, but in a discussion 3, 6 or 24 months from now.
Ok so what does manning up look like to you?
Originally Posted by costanza
It can't all be that black and white. I'm also hearing lots of "give up the fight with SSRI's" yet I have two Dr's (one is a friend) and a therapist telling me it needs to be investigated and not to ignore the possibility, too much at stake. There are thousands of people on antidepressant boards describing exactly what i'm going through, a tonne of them are people that actually were the ones taking the SSRI's and regretting the decisions they made. How can we all ignore that? Both science and the guinea pigs claim it is in fact an issue. Everything I've read is clear that antidepressants require follow-up and/or therapy in accompaniment, tonnes of people are prescribed them and just check-in yearly for a renewal. How can that possibly be safe?
The truth is you are probably right. You just have to convince her of that. The problem is the more you try to convince her the more she will dig her heels in to prove she is right.
Originally Posted by costanza
What I want to ask my wife is therapy for herself first, to discuss the situation and changes. I'm hoping the therapist would suggest what my Dr's and therapist recommend which is changing or stopping the SSRI's and alcohol consumption to rule out chemical imbalance. If she does that and still feels the relationship is over, I'll be comfortable moving along knowing we tried and that she's in a better place. Does that make any sense to people here that have gong through this?
Yes. Good luck trying to convince her that she's the problem.
Originally Posted by costanza
I know I can move on, I won't give up on life, I have too much going for me. However my first choice is to resuscitate the relationship my SSRI'd wife has given up on. 10-20 years from now, I don't want to have to tell my daughters, "ya, your mother wanted a divorce so I accepted, supported her decision and stonewalled her, hah, I sure showed her!". That is not the man or example I want my daughters to know. If anything I want to be the man that tried everything to fight for what he believed and loved, even if that means losing my wife. Does this make any sense to any of you or do i need to reread the book?
Actually giving her what she wants isn't stonewalling her it is actually the most loving and caring thing you could do for her right now.
