BobP,

I'm pretty new to this forum, so I don't have a lot of advice, just wanted to chime in on some of your thoughts, because I felt very similar at times.

My wife has said many of the same things your wife has said, and also made some attempts to discuss problems in our marriage prior to having an affair. I certainly did take her for granted and I will own up to my mistakes. I had many days where I was just so mad at myself.

However, it does not justify her having an affair, if she was that unhappy then she should have just left, or continue to try and work with me on the marriage. The problem is she did have an affair, and deep down I believe she knows it was not the right thing to do. So then she starts with the justification, saying all the same things your wife says, we weren't right for each other, etc. Anything to justify the guilt. So I've come to the realization that I can't continue to be mad at myself, the past is the past, I'm still hopeful we could build a new future, but I have to just be happy with myself and know I'm a good person that will continue to have a good life with our without her.

My wife also started looking for a home with affair partner, after only 7 months, and that's not even 7 months of seeing him full time. She is still married to me, he is still married, we own our home together. It makes no sense at all to be looking for a new home, and yet she is. She has also said she wants a divorce, seen a lawyer, etc, but here we are, 7 months and not divorced. So my point with that is, until she actually files the paperwork, it's just words. Keep following the advice of all the pros here and at a minimum you will come out of this a happy person ready to take on the future, but you might also come out of this saving your marriage.