Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Yes I think I should stop doing that. Strangely comforting to know that others do it too!

Woke up a little sad and frustrated this morning. Thought about how much I really want everything to work; how I am sad that W simply gave up and that she didn't want to even try MC or piecing for a few months; how frustrated I am that she's stubbornly going through with D because everyone in her circle has said it's what she should do. She has taken the "easy option" (her words).

My view is that if there are problems in a marriage we shouldn't run away unless there are obvious risks of actual physical danger (e.g. abuse), or where things have been going on for so long without change. I am sad that she didn't think to say, "OK, I'm really upset and hurt that you've done what you did, but you must be unhappy with something in your life for this to take place. What can we do about it?"

I still find it hard to understand how she could switch off all feelings for me and mention D within literally 24 hours. She has acted completely emotively and not had any period alone for reflection. She hysterically broadcast everything to lots of people all at once, and now I feel she can't go back and change her mind. I feel upset at that, but I guess what's happened is I've had time to work on myself without her knowledge. I've really changed - apologies for that excruciatingly cliched phrase there - and shaken a lot of emotional baggage off my mind.

I remember feeling upset when I updated her on my 2nd IC session and I mentioned that communication was an issue and she just said, "Hmmph...it's so American! All about feelings. What a load of rubbish!" I thought, 'thanks for your support.' Actually, being in the throes of NGS I didn't respond to that remark of hers; I was just hurt. But then I didn't know about DBing or boundaries etc at the time.

I want to tell her that everything 'good' I did in the marriage - all the hugs, kisses, emotional and financial support, cards, presents (for her 30th birthday I hired a Tesla Model S for the weekend - I remember the look on her face when it pulled up outside our house), my proposal to her, little surprises I arranged for our wedding, everything - was genuine. It was not out of guilt because of my affliction going on in the background for years. I honestly wanted to make her happy and be a good H. I know I can't tell her this as that is pursuing of the worst kind. I don't know if there will ever be a time when I can say all of that to her face.

I think my main love language is quality time - simply being near the person and feeling safe together - whereas hers was words of affirmation and also physical touch. How sad that I've only found this out now and can't bring this up.

I know my posts a week or so ago were very positive and upbeat. Just on a low ebb recently.

Hi SteveS



I like many of us on here have been fighting with this. Some days i feel strong and confident, other days i have to run to the bathroom at work so nobody sees me crying. I too fear the same things you do. Will I ever meet someone that i can give my love to, and they will love me back? Will I ever get out of this nightmare?

I guess all we can do is keep standing and fighting for ourselves. Not fighting for our M or hoping to R with our wives. But REALLY getting out there and doing the best with what we've got. I know I'll be ok with or without her, it's just getting to that other side that I have trouble seeing- even though I know it is there. hang in there my friend- i'll be doing the same.

Thanks rooskers. I feel like I went over a year while living together where I wasn't getting much support. When we did talk during that year, it was mostly one-sided and my W rarely asked about me. Since about April I've reached out to friends who have been extremely supportive. It's a complete change of lifestyle now that I moved out, as I come home to an empty house now, but better than the pre-BD days where I felt essentially no support. And I'm much more capable of dealing with my emotions on my own.

The nightmares come and go. Lately I'm sure it's because my mind is on the upcoming mediation process. which leads to a lot of problem-solving obsessive thinking. But the dreams really throw me for a loop. Dreams of verbal fights, of my W with an OM, of being estranged from my kids, of my W taking me to court. Sometimes good dreams, about the good times we had. One big emotional spaghetti mess, and rather than try to sort it out I'm just trying to accept that it is there and push through it best as I can.

Sunset how are you doing? I hope everything is going well.

DS glad you are able to put up boundaries. You must have had some positive influence in SS life because he feels safe coming to you with his problems. I know that doesn't help you out to much but you have had a huge influence in someone else's life.

That sounds really difficult and kudos to you for pushing through and coming clean. It is amazing how the body can hold onto all this trauma and how the pain comes through physically. Hope you can get some sleep tonight and forgive yourself.

You are becoming the best version of yourself-- honest, forthcoming, compassionate-- and as hard as that was to open up about a lie you've been holding onto for so many years, I'm sure it was really helpful for her to finally understand what happened. You gave her the gift of honesty and as difficult as that was for her to hear it sounds like she appreciates it and the new you that was willing to get through the pain and fear to be honest about it with her. Good for you.

DON'T LET HIM SUCK YOU IN TO THOSE CONVERSATIONS. He won't hear you and you can't have a rational discussion with him in the state he's in. It just gets you all riled up for no purpose. Would you engage in a discussion like this with a schizophrenic or someone with Alzheimer's? No. And you have just about as much chance as getting through to him now.

Always ask yourself before you say something to him "Is saying this going to get me closer to my goal?" If not, just don't say it.

Saying "It wasn't my intention" is good. You can also say "I'm sorry you felt that way, it wasn't my intention."

And don't give him the satisfaction of your tears.

He's spewing and pushing buttons to try to get a reaction out of you. Don't give him the satisfaction. Stay calm cool and collected and act AS IF you don't give a flying fig.

(Note - I eventually trained my ex to text instead of call by phone calls "mysteriously" dropping when he'd spew. Then I trained him to email by responding to his texts with emails. Much less stressful that way.)

As for the kid handoffs - I didn't have to do them but is there some way you can arrange to always be on your way somewhere else that you have to hurry to when they occur? Like, he's dropping the kid at your house, you grab kid and say "Thanks, we're late for my class at the gym" and hustle into the car and leave? Or can you have a friend or family member present to short circuit the spew? (Preferably someone who won't join in the fight lol).

She texted that D15 needed a ride from where she was to dance, so she got her an uber. I told her I could have taken her, she said that's what she wanted to tell me :-/

Thank you for those words R2C. I am usually a very private person, hence why I was reluctant in the beginning to share my life with a MC. It was very hard to post my story here but those words of encouragement hit home a lot more because they were directed at me versus another poster.

I also discovered this past weekend that w is listening to sermons from a church she used to attend before we met. The sermons are a step in the right direction I think. Just a year to 6 months ago she was cursing God for all the bad things He had done to her.

I know that I have to GAL and stop paying attention to all of these little signs. I have been living my own life I'm just wondering what reconnection is going to look like. I don't want to be so busy doing my own thing that I completely miss attempts at reconnection.

Thanks Caligirl! Not much to update-- things continue to be positive/friendly/fun. Friends in town this weekend with an S2 who is a little bit of a monster (super cute but I forgot how destructive 2 year old boys can be) and H and I had the opportunity to be on the same team, rather than letting stress get the better of us and take it out on the other person. We actually had a short conversation about it as we both felt the temperature start to rise, and then everything was fine.

No R talks, no late night sex situations, nothing exciting to report. I do notice more contact (he'll come right up beside me, touching, to get my help on a crossword puzzle) but I definitely feel he is like a skittish cat-- don't call it out or he'll run away. In fact sometimes he notices as it happens and backs away himself.

I had the opportunity for 15 straight minutes with his phone when he was out and I knew there was no chance he'd catch me. Maybe I shouldn't have done this but have really wanted the opportunity to see for myself if there was anything on his phone. Nothing-- no messaging apps, went through everything. He wiped his call log about three weeks ago, halfway through his last trip, so potentially there was contact then (as I've assumed); he also could just be deleting the messages/calls as they come in but my gut is that the EA is over (for now), though may be more because she walked away than he did.