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Offhand, I don't remember when your BD was. By reading your post, it sounds like it may have been more recently that you learned about your W's struggles. The card incident was purely the 'straw that broke the camels back'. If it weren't the card, it would've been something else that set her off. My BD was just over a year ago and I still have tough days (including today). I've learned so much and I'm not going to lie, I still feel at a loss at some point in most days. Still struggling to drop the rope and let him be God's to work through. It's hard to stop loving someone you've loved everyday for decades...and, mostly to stop loving them like we have for decades. Loving my H now is from afar. I love him by giving him space while watching him drink and use and in deep depression - but I've learned through trials and errors that I can't help him. It hurts to watch but know that it isn't your fight. It isn't your battle. I try to read about MLC and expected behaviors. That helps me realize that what he's going through is 'normal'. I also have signed onto many Instagramers who preach and explain bible verses. They inspire me and get me through. Taking walks with or without dogs help. Breathing fresh air is actually refreshing...really odd to think but these things work for me. I even got a second job just to get out of the house (and my head).

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I'm sending prayers your way.

Anything attractive about your behavior when you were interacting with him? Anything you want to change?

It is like playing poker. Hold all your beliefs,thoughts,expectations,questions,emotions ect tight while interacting with him. He thinks he knows you. Right now, your goal is to prove him wrong.

And yes, by all means let out all the emotions when he is not around. Cry your heart out. Scream, yell, curse when it is safe.


Give yourself permission and go do something nice things for yourself this weekend. Do your nails, hair, new outfit....whatever helps you feel good about yourself. Dinner and movie alone is perfectly acceptable (and enjoyable).

HUGS

Mach1, I did say I think on the words said here....


And the next day randomly in my "make a playlist for me Spotify," an artist and song unknown to me. The album "Everything & Nothing" by David Sylvian. Huh.

Blackwater

I hold you in
A sea of silence
On the borderline of truth
Open violence
I see no sign
I see no place I've loved
Depending on the signs
To find the road
...
I see her cry
I see the face I have loved
Depending on the blind
To find the road

Blackwater take me with you
To the place that I have spoken
Come lead me through the morning
For the land that I long to see again


For me? Hmmmm... after all the pain and internal re-examination this year I still would find it hard to ever be a walk away myself. Push comes to shove and all that. For me, empathy comes from examining me from her perspective. Did I really mean my claims and statements over the years?

- "I Love You," Did I really mean it and what does that mean right now?

I discovered I did, and how I felt about US and chose to act was not dependent on whether she was cold or warm. I had CHOSEN at our begining and to me that was final. Yes, I found my definition since our begining was Love is a choice, verb, and then feeling. The choice is permenent for me. The verb I succeed and fail at over the years, but always intend. The feeling...well it follows how well I am doing at the verb.

- What is a M? What are vows?

I rolled this around for a while. I can only hold me accountable for my own. I think what resonated with me was the notion that M is a covenant created by God. We joined it together. Break with God at your peril. Answer to Him for your part.

WW, "But G, you didn't Cherish ME!" What?! I have ALWAYS FELT that way. W used words that didn't translate well to my thought process. Eventually translated - "you didn't say and do things in my language that I would feel cherished by." The notion of her pain and unhappiness, thinking she was not cherrished was more painful than an OM, who is just a symptom. W has had a tendancy since the begining to assume the worst interpretations and roll around in unhappy feelings without telling me.

- "for better or worse," What does this mean to me in this mess?


This is definitionally "worse." When I took four years to say "I Do," I kept working through all the "worse" situations I could think of and testing myself. I still did not imagine this one. For me this mess is an "outside context problem." See Ian Banks novels where the term originates or just google.

Going in I had NO frame of reference to deal with any of this. No doubt a pile of failure on my part by not growing my relationship skills and understanding over the years. I had thought W is certainly more skilled at this than me so I will leave it to her. A faulty way of thinking. Abdicating my responsibilities for my end.

It turns out I meant it. And it is God's covenant I joined with W. So what follows was simple to me. From Love and instinct, I opened the cage door in my first reply to her DB1. I also stated I don't believe it is right or good but is chaos and destruction. My actual words. I will not actively participate. I will not block. I will not deny your agency.

W, "G, if you tell me I can't D, I won't. I will submit but I will be angry and unhappy and separate."
G, "W, I will not keep you like some caged bird."

Trying for minimal damage while balancing all the other things ... How much damage to me do I accept or can bear to minimize others? Damage to her? No, I went very dim/dark since last fall when she moved herself out. I say little. I just do. Though this may be perceived as more of the same. I did not ask for the house key back. There are no restrictions to her coming over for the children. I have more peace NOT in her presence right now but the kids balance now is as good as could possibly be hoped in this.

My metaphor - for her was a little sun shining deep in my core. Now imploded into a black hole and threatening to devour ME. Unless. Unless. I could grow faster than that event horizon could suck bits in.


So, my goal is steps beyond a R with W. I don't control that. I am slowly gaining words to wrap around it. I was asked by W, by IC, by pastor, by others... the short response was to grow. Into what I should have been all along. Into the person, man, father, husband?, friend, son, brother, ... I want to be. I don't think there is an end here to this process. Picking framworks and applying. PIES is useful. Working on known unknowns. Trying to find unknown unknowns.

So, I'm not quiting or stopping. -Till we burn out the sun- If W completes her D, it doesn't change where I'm going. Every week I gain better strength and equlibrium. Not less pain, really. I'm just stronger to accept what is. Analogy - In college days I had a friend who took me to the gym weight lifting every day for a year. I did get a lot stronger that year. The workouts were never less painful though. No matter how strong I got.

Filter - Burn out the Sun

Oh no we're blind again we just lost the sight of it
Everything and all that we had ever done
We need to see again we stopped listening
And that's on all of us this time
Our hearts are still sold from a simple time
And our wants are still old and we do or die
I hope we find a way I hope we get away
Just a rescue from a lost lonely time

I feel so tired
But time keeps marching on
I can't sleep till all
These clouds are gone

Till they're gone
Till they're gone
Till we burn out the sun


I keep thinking I'll make short posts. I keep failing. And these are a fraction of the things I connect each day. The inside joke - I say I'm a simple man. Things often appear simple to me and each thing logically flows from the others. The family rolls their eyes..."G, you are the most complex simple man alive."

g

Hey Grok. Thanks for the comments. It was productive because the counselor did tease out of my W a few areas where W (for the first time) acknowledged her contributions to problems. For example, telling me that we together as parents should take a specific stand on a topic with our daughter and then, when our daughter pressures W, W caves in or sets me up to be the bad guy ("Ask your father...") so the "team" crumbles pretty quickly. And, just the fact that W agreed to come back for a 2nd visit and said "I like this MC" are huge steps for my W.

Definitely WASing here and some MLCing (gray hair noticing, tattoo wanting, etc.). Also, given W's social anxiety and past trauma, my sense is W just believes "life" doesn't work out her way and neither will this....and then lists these as reasons like self-fulfilling prophecies....or can't pivot to solutions vs. ruminating about issues over 7 years old at this point. I've also rarely said "No" by the way....I've put the ball in W's court for things that she really wants to do (and don't always fully understand her "why" so it makes it had for me to take the lead)...and then when it doesn't get done the blame falls on me.

You're right. The MC like any therapist can make a huge difference and is a very personal choice. Tough to have the time, money, and stamina to weed through them or restart the process if you get the wrong one. We'll see how this goes and thanks for the thread reference. I agree that is a good benchmark for what to look for in a good counselor. Be well!

Hey MrP, thanks for checking in. I continue to move forward with my process and have filed D. As many here understand this is a tumultuous time and it's taken a lot of energy and focus to remain emotionally resilient for myself and my kids. Being sober has helped enormously as has prioritizing sleep, fitness, and a healthy diet.

I spend a lot of time with my kids especially on weekends and this weekend will be no different. Love it. They are still unaware of what is happening and it breaks my heart to think of what's ahead so I focus on the present.

Highs and lows. I've strayed at times from behaving in the way I want to but each time I find myself re-centering faster, like a rubber band whose elasticity increases with time. Perhaps this is the long-awaited detachment taking hold.

Summer is around the corner and I couldn't be more excited. A good friend just bought a small boat and we plan to spearfish up and down the coast all summer long. I want to teach the kids to surf this year too, something that I spent years doing and brought me a lot of happiness. Camping trips are booked.

So that's all for now. I still check the boards weekly and appreciate you asking after me. Thanks again to everyone who has weighed in and continues to check in.

Next Thread.

Oh the strange mirroring going on. Similarities and opposites. My W moved herself out of our home. First to a campground and tent for weeks and then to a 5th wheel camper she chose and I paid for from our joint accounts. I did not ask her to. I simply said it is incredibly disrespectful to bring OM, just online mind you, into my HOME. And I am not comfortable with it. She just messaged me one day saying I'm staying at the campground now. She came back during daytimes.

She has been a SAHM and homeschooling since kids, but prior she was a active duty military officer. After kids she stayed in the military reserves until her 20 year mark, where she has an impressive resume. She has a Masters degree.

Now? No job, but trying side gigs dog walking, online editor for hire, uber eats, selling crafts at festivals, etc... almost no income. She signed up for and seems focused on a second Masters degree in a subject with no income potential...

Whatlee, I would suggest after 30 years of wife and mother, you DO have skills. Just not as easy to define on a resume. I the words of someone else, think about your "talent stack." What are the things you are good at? What are the talents that were required as wife and mother? How can you combine them into a talent stack that is useful in different ways or jobs?

I've had to evaluate potential hires for my team in the past. More than their resume listings to be qualified, I looked for how well their attitude and work ethic would fit into my team. I suggest you present yourself that way to places you might like to work. The technical qualifications can often be filled in later. Getting someone who works well with a particular workplace team is a higher priority. You can do it. Don't discount your lifetime skills.

g

Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. He showed good emotion and even some empathy (of course this was after being caught in a lie) but non the less more than I have got since this started. And of course is cycling back this last week to jerk mode. Hopefully those cycles will get less and less and shorter like they have been. I remember seeing a thread that amyc posted about here story when she was in her mlc. Does anyone have a link to that thread. I cant seem to find it now. or any other threads of people coming out of their mlc. It helps me a lot mentally to read these stories.

Thanks P. Yes it’s slow and documented.

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