I am sorry you find yourself here. Bomb drop is such a gut punch.
Originally Posted by mrorange
I’ve got a vague idea of what DB is but I’m so hurt and confused. I’m beginning to physically deteriorate. It’s quite literally killing me. I can feel it…
You are among folks who understand. Folks who care. Folks who have walked through the fires you are currently in.
Yes, this does take a horrible physical toll upon one. Such emotional stress is reflected physically. We also do not care for ourselves as best we should when embroiled within this.
A very common thing is sleep deprivation. Restless, fitful, nightmare-filled sleeps can linger for months.
Physical activity is an excellent outlet for venting one’s pent up anxiety and to reduce stress. It also helps with sleeping patterns and sleeping more soundly.
Sweat it out. Do something physical, even exhausting. Let those feelings go into the activity. Walk, run, dig the garden, practice with the punching bag, etc. Something safe to let go your feelings.
Do you have a copy of Divorce Remedy by MWD? If not, get one. Read it carefully and fully. Lots of great information in that book.
A note, do not share the book or anything you learn with W, she will see it as you attempting to manipulate her, which will be counterproductive. DR, this site, and such are your playbook, they are for you. Keep them close to the vest. And clear the browser cache on the family computer if you use it on this site.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Read the detachment thread for ideas and strategies and tools for fostering detachment. It takes time, and purposeful rational thought and activity.
Detachment, letting go, dropping the rope, is basically one no longer being uncontrollably dragged around by their situation or the words and behaviours of their spouse. Drop the rope or be dragged, is a common saying you’ve likely ran across in your months of reading here.
Originally Posted by mrorange
I’m in pain. Everyday for 6 months has been a struggle. Some days are better than others, but it’s ever present… The infidelity, the drinking, the eye twitching. She is so angry sometimes. It’s frightening honestly. Please help.
I do empathize and understand your pain. After my BD, I too languished. Ceaselessly.
The quickest way through this bog is a straight line. It is quite a slog and takes time.
We all require a certain amount of understanding before we can/will let go. Before we find detachment. Post, ask questions, listen to the kind and compassionate folks here with much hard-earned wisdom.
Originally Posted by mrorange
I just feel like everything I’ve worked so hard for. My family, my career, my home…. None of it exists anymore. I’m absolutely devastated, and it’s been dragging on 6 months now.
mro, I do understand that feeling of devastation. Have faith, you’ve not lost. The future is unknown and unwritten. This absolutely gets better. You will be better!
For right now, breathe. Take it day by day. Hour by hour when you need to. Heck, I had plenty of days I existed minute to minute. Literally. I watched the second hand go around the entire clock. Then, surviving that minute, I did another. Let me tell you, an hour/day can feel like an eternity.
Focus on you. Shift your focus off of W. Give her plenty of time and space. She needs to burn through her anger and resentment. That frightening angry side of her you’ve seen.
W’s current path is emotionally driven. She will change her mind and her trajectory many times. Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. Another reason to shift your focus off of her.
Get a life (GAL). Do activities. Pick up old forgotten hobbies. Start something new. Try something you’ve always wanted to do. This all helps with detachment and many other facets of your path.
Please do share your ages and how many kids and such. Folks can better tailor suggestions with more information. This is a safe place, and you are anonymous. Just leave names, locations, and such out.
Obviously, I can't go around telling her how sexy she is at this point. She will think I am sucking up to her. But this is an ongoing issue.
Correct. But you can behave in ways that she will receive subconscious messages from you that you find her sexy.
Steve talks about "touch charges".
Non-verbal communication is also very powerful. Body language, tones, inflections, etc.
Next time she is talking with you, really focus on studying what you are attracted to. Do not talk about your attraction with your words, but rather your eyes. Listen to her story without trying to advise, argue etc....what is her emotional state and what you find attractive are your top priorities...then remembering the details of what she said to you...her words to you are her story and you want to know her story...no matter how much you disagree with the words she is saying.
D- Problem is FIL basically can’t do anything for himself. He can’t feel his hands or feet. He is dependent upon someone for the most basic things. W just assumes she/we can care for him. We only can to a point. My BIL is useless, been that way his whole life. MIL can barely take care of herself. It’s a bad deal all around. I love my FIL like I would a biological father, mine sucked. I understand what needs to happen, W is too emotional to go there mentally right now. I’m not going to say he can’t live with us. I guess things will have to play out until she realizes he needs a nursing facility. Thanks for the advice
What should you do? Continue as you have been. Be a friend, listen and not offer advice unless he asks for it. Do not be hasty and point fingers if he slips up or makes mistakes along the way. You are the lighthouse of safe haven, so be kind and gentle. He's going to be fragile for quite some time.
Also, I would continue to live my life and do the things that I enjoy. When he sees that you are not "expecting" him to be the old self, he will continue to reach out. One word of caution...the marriage you had is now dead and you just may get the opportunity to build a new one. Whatever changes you have made, you must continue on with them. There will be times that he will ask if you want him to just leave again, especially is something isn't going well...do not encourage him to leave. You want him to be drawn to you, i.e., just like a moth to a candle.
I will caution you...this final stage is the most difficult for us because we want them to hurry up and get over the crisis and come back home. Just as it took a long time for him to go into crisis, it will take just as long for them to recover and want to return home. You may discover that he has kept some of the habits he has developed during the crisis and others will return just like they were pre-crisis. Whatever the outcome...patience is the main ingredient in getting to the finish line.
Again, just be a friend, give him a safe place to land and do not be judgmental. He will know that he's got a lot of difficult/heavy work to do and it cannot be swept under the rug.
e word “but”. It is concatenating multiple views together and reinforcing attachment. Detachment starts by identifying and individualizing one’s thoughts, which one then expresses/reinforces in/with one’s speech. This then influences one’s emotions and beliefs.
Untie H, his behaviour, trashy OW, and her behaviour from your big bright life, world, and future. “My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger.” Absolutely! Do not detract from, nor diminish, your accomplishments and gains.
Separate thoughts. Separate sentences and paragraphs. With such organizing, you can strengthen your positive thoughts, and let go/detach the other a little easier.
You are so very wise. I've been catching myself with the buts and need to pay more attention. I love what you're saying and will have a go straight away.
I'm going to Dubai with D for a week on hols. My first solo trip. My son is off to Greece on a lads holiday at the same time! Looking forward toy adventures
Sounds like she is trying to force you to file and look like the bad guy. The way to combat is to give her more space than she could ever want. When she’s home you are out GAL. Keep holding on your boundaries that she will not disrespect you in anyway. It’s going to be a long tough road either way my friend. I’m sorry.
In this last TEN years, slowly slowly I gained wisdom and worked hard through my faith and through the wisdom I got from all of you to hold on to what was best in me, to keep knowing beauty and truth and love and light. For all of you reading -- Just keep loving however you can without bitterness and protecting yourself and your kids (and your finances!) wherever you can with the whatever clarity you can muster, and allow yourself to have hope that watered by the faith and love you didn't let die, one day something good will finally have the chance to grow.
Walk in the light…
Good things do come and will grow.
Hugs to you! Hang in there…the light is starting to shine on what your XH is doing!
I am, like you, focusing on exploring and travel and on making new plans for myself. I am grateful I am able to do this and honestly do believe I am a better, stronger version of the person I was before my marriage blew up. It is not hard to find things to be grateful for every single day.
Glad to hear it. Yes, it does feed the soul doesn't it? Our journeys are not linear. That is for sure. Thank you for stopping by and for your message. It means a lot.
Mach40, I do agree with you, but I cannot deny that hearing/seeing that my XH is not doing well brings me some joy. In the sense that he has to live with his bad decisions. I don't dwell on it or focus much on it...so for me that's all I can manage right now.
It’s good to see your post since as you said, not many of us from our time are still around here. I am still here…although not as often…and glad you are too. I’m glad to hear that in general you are doing well. It is very sad about OW’s death. For your XH, for the kids and for you. I can understand how that would bring up so many feelings. I admire your strength and grace in how you have been handling it.
Your post about death vs betrayal/divorce really resonated with me. You described so accurately how it feels to me as well. Mach1, forgive me for not being able to relate to the death side as you have as I’m sure I might feel differently if I experienced that myself. But I haven’t, and even though I can see what you mean, I can’t fully grasp that experience. So, for now, I am in agreement with DejaVu6 on the glaring difference in how you feel and are treated post betrayal vs the death of a spouse. I’ve struggled with these differences a lot, especially as there is a close friend on my brother’s who’s spouse passed away, and the way my brother treats her versus the way I am treated is so vastly different. She is supported and surrounded by love, while I am questioned for any sign on not “over it” fully at this point. I feel so unseen, not just by my family but my friends as well. My struggle was very lonely, isolating and not really having anyone who could relate except those of us on this site. Another reason why this place was a refuge for me. And also why it’s been hard with so few of those who’ve been on this journey with me no longer here.
So, yes, we are better and have been generally doing well. But these feelings and these moments will still come up. For our loss, I don’t think there will never be complete closure. At least at this time I cannot see that. We will move forward with strength, we may forgive or become indifferent, but something will always remind us of what happened, of who our ex’s were (or weren’t), of what answers we will never have, the life we lost, etc. To me, to lose someone and know they loved you and what you had was real would be easier then losing someone and being left with all these questions about yourself, your life and your reality. And no matter what, people will look at you differently as well. With death there is sympathy. With betrayal/divorce there is judgement. It just is what it is and it kind of [censored].
Sending you love and hugs and again, I admire your grace and open heart. So much strength there. Better things are ahead for us.