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A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
Midlife Crisis
16 minutes ago
Good Morning Scout

Everyoneís situation is similar and yet unique. Events sometimes force certain actions to happen quicker for one while another can never experience it. Divorce for example.

My wife pushed for a separation and divorce right after BD. Others around here are years into their situations with no divorce settlements on the horizon.

Your situation, I do agree with kml.

The LBS walks a path towards healing and self happiness. Compassion, empathy, kindness, etc... all goals to strive for, choosing better not bitter.

The LBS also has the business side of things to contend with. Financial protection and security of themselves and their children. People in crisis do not make good parents, and do not make good decisions. The LBS, being the sane and stable of the two, needs to adjust to events as they unfold. The business side, the divorce, the financial separating, and even custody, is something one has to ensure they are cognizant of their choices and aware of their decisions and possible ramifications.

Speaking with a lawyer and seeing what you are facing and what you can do is a good start. Understanding the worst case and best case scenarios, what you can negotiate, what you canít, etc... is all useful. Information and knowledge is power. And do not share with H, or tell him you are seeing a L, he will use it against you.

This is only gathering information. With it you can make an informed decision. And in your situation, events may unravel quicker than you want, or quicker than normal (if there is such a thing), and you will be, and want to be, ready to act.

DnJ
33 351 Read More
For Newcomers
20 minutes ago
So this morning the WAW asks if I was going oit all night tonight as Friday has been my day to go out and I had been spending it over at my brothers. After sleeping on the couch overnight she said she needed to get some sleep. I told her I was going out but not overnight. She said she is going to sleep in the bed anyway and that I had better not snore. This is the first time in over a year that we are sleeping in the same bed.

Second she asked if I was going to be gone all day Sunday. Again this is my other day to go out. I told her I would be gone for the afternoon and early evening. As suggested by fellow DBers I am not "playing her game" and spending overnights somewhere anymore. Just GAL during the afternoon amd early evenings on my days.
I confirmed she would be home by 1pm on Sunday as Saturday night and Sunday mornings are her night to go out. Just so i knew when to make plans for Sunday. She said she wasnt sure if she was doing that or not. This was normally her night to go see her OM. I kept all responses short and simple.

I have been reading a lot about validating spouses feelings and this I see is where many of our issues arose in our marriage. We escalate conversations because we try to invalidate the other and "win". Rather than show empathy and understanding of where the other person is coming from. This is going to take the most practice for me. I am so used to doing the opposite that although I want to be saying the right things I have only been making things worse. I think I am going to do some practice with my brother. Having conversations and validating feelings in mock scenarios with him.
29 479 Read More
For Newcomers
29 minutes ago
You are all correct. The old man told me that sometimes he was only contributing 10% and his W 90% to the marriage. But then it would flip and be the other way around but they always had faiththat the other would come through.
67 897 Read More
Midlife Crisis
37 minutes ago
Good Morning Can

I empathize with your having to remind yourself more often to focus on you and D3. Special events like Thanksgiving and Christmas, especially the first one after BD, do stir up feelings and longings within a person. Itís good to focus on you and itís good and necessary to find safe times to allow yourself to feel and acknowledge your emotions too; not to get lost in them however.

Find time in your day, when daughter is asleep, no work, etc... and allow yourself to feel. Just for a bit. Usually the LBS has anger they working through and a safe release is a good idea. However, any pent up emotions will spill out eventually. Smaller healthy acknowledgements are more desired than major floods of emotions; those do happen too by the way. And after you will feel better.

I like your answers to possible upcoming question. That is a good approach and mindset to have with his family.

Hang in there you are doing good. Keep your focus, itís does get easier.

DnJ
32 977 Read More
For Newcomers
52 minutes ago
These days people see divorce as a convenience. It is easier for one person in a couple that has problems to split and walk away, rather than face them and go through a storm together and hopefully come out the other side and repair relationships, not just with each other but with family and friends that may have been affected by one (or both) spouses talking behind the other's back.

I find it sad that nowadays people can be in love for years, build up to a fabulous wedding, memories, laughter, love. Then one person makes a mistake and the other sees an escape route out as preferable to staying and working together.
67 897 Read More
For Newcomers
53 minutes ago
IH I live in Suffolk county. Iím about an hour from the city.

So yesterday morning around 7:15 am I see my xw is calling me. I was about to pick up and then realized I am not her husband anymore. So I didnít. Usually those early calls are for her to complain about the kids not behaving in the morning. She didnít leave a voice mail. But about 10 minutes later she text me that the kids were giving her a hard time in the morning. So I responded what happened? She spoke about how my son was upset blah blah blah. I responded sorry to hear that. I guess she still wants moral support from me? Does she not understand she divorced me?? I am not her to give you emotional support anymore. I am just so frustrated. Then later in the day she text me if I could find out the information for her to pay off the loan we have. She wanted me to help her??? I responded I am very busy and donít have time.
96 1,655 Read More
Surviving the Big D
56 minutes ago
I am sorry G you are struggling, I understand how this is a tough time of the year. Didnít you say in an earlier post that M had found the love of his life?????? If so, seems pretty quick. Do you think there was someone else in the picture when he ended it with you?
80 2,232 Read More
For Newcomers
1 hour ago
I like to add that my parents have been married for 60 years. When I was first going through my sitch my mom told me that she wanted out after living with my dad for two weeks. She didn't leave him because her sister just got divorced and moved home and she didn't want to be a burden on her parents. Then my brother was born and she stayed for the children.

The point is the amount of years really don't mean anything. You need two emotionally healthy individuals who are mature enough to know that there will be good times and there will be bad times. Enjoy the good times and work hard TOGETHER through the bad times. Unfortunately that's very rare.
67 897 Read More
For Newcomers
1 hour ago
Originally Posted by DaB35
Hi Slarty (is that a Hitchiker's Guide reference?)

Sounds like a trying situation certainly. As has been said before, focus on your actions. No letters. Try not to bring up R talks all the time. Just DO stuff. And also once you've done it, don't announce it; let your spouse see that you've done it.


Yes it is a Hitchikers reference, haha. Thanks for the encouraging words.
29 479 Read More
For Newcomers
1 hour ago
Strange dream last night - I was walking at night with my W's brother and he said "So why did you do what you did?" I started explaining and he just listened. Then I woke up. Thought about W for a few minutes and then got up and did some stretching and breathing exercises to clear my head.

I haven't really thought about W's friends at all - very fleeting, literally seconds once in a while. I feel guilty that I haven't spoken to her parents; they really loved me and I feel so awful for betraying W. Tough sometimes isn't it!
57 739 Read More
For Newcomers
1 hour ago
Hi Slarty (is that a Hitchiker's Guide reference?)

Sounds like a trying situation certainly. As has been said before, focus on your actions. No letters. Try not to bring up R talks all the time. Just DO stuff. And also once you've done it, don't announce it; let your spouse see that you've done it.
29 479 Read More
Surviving the Big D
2 hours ago
wwwwooooooohoooooo!!! congrats DV on the pool and life !! so happy for you xoxoxo
89 3,425 Read More
Surviving the Big D
2 hours ago
{{{{{G}}}}} honey its a tough time of year; highlights what we don't have and brings it to the fore. I have no magic words of wisdom, no suggestions or solutions. just hugs. xoxoxoxo
80 2,232 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago
Hey slarty itís tough isnít it mate. You just gotta trust the process and trust the veterans. Good luck buddy
29 479 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago
Thanks Dan and AS really appreciate the support. Was triggered today again because Iím still finding it hard to accept how much she changed toward me but too weary to write about it now. Nearly 9 months in and its a little easier but a ways to go yet. Sometimes I scorn the fact that Iím so sensitive then I realise I should be proud of it and itís a good quality, but need to make better choices with my women and be cautious about not allowing advantages to be taken
10 224 Read More
For Newcomers
3 hours ago
K,

You have to try to not go into catastrophic thinking mode. This changes nothing in regards to reconciliation some day. Itís all part of the process. You will most likely date others too. It took you 30 years to get into this and itís not going to change in 8 months.

Take it one day at a time.
13 141 Read More
Midlife Crisis
4 hours ago
Hey kml

Good advice but here in oz where scout and I come from divorce doesnít instantly stop spousal maintenance claim. Thereís a 12 month time limit after divorce becomes final to claim maintenance.

Divorce here too just means legal end of marriage. Property settlement is tied in but not tied to the divorce in itself. Ergo you can get divorced and not have done anything for your property settlement or maintenance
33 351 Read More
Midlife Crisis
5 hours ago
Journal~ Nothing new. 2 more weeks until Turkey Trip. Finding that I have to remind myself, more and more, to focus on myself and D3.
32 977 Read More
Midlife Crisis
8 hours ago
Oh, and yes - itís surprising how often they ďaffair-downĒ.
33 351 Read More
Midlife Crisis
8 hours ago
Girl - you might not like this but my advice is to file for divorce immediately.

You make a six figure salary and heís in danger of becoming unemployed? If he loses his job before youíre divorced YOU could end up paying HIM spousal support.

Iíd get the paperwork rolling ASAP to avoid that indignity. Divorce papers are just about the financial/business end of things. Itís not an obstacle to reconciliation in and of itself. Protect yourself financially.
33 351 Read More
Midlife Crisis
9 hours ago
This is typical
The MLCer lives a web of lies and usually losses respect from everyone-

Many will find affair partners at work

MY xh had one with his secretary -14 yrs younger than him

Usually the OW is a real nothing
a loser basically...
what other person would hook up with a M guy

They will have to figure it out
\best to continue to let go
be cordial
get legal help
therapy
ect
33 351 Read More
Surviving the Big D
9 hours ago
Reading this last paragraph about you feeling lonely due to lack of a larger family with nieces and nephews, I wonder if you arenít getting to the root of a FOO issue? Keep exploring that.

You are doing so well Ginger!

And you ARE well liked! I want to join you for coffee this weekend! : )
80 2,232 Read More
Surviving the Big D
9 hours ago
Doodler, Love is a stretch, but we both enjoy being with each other.. we both have feelings, but how can you not?

Ginger, I agree with you, we both have caught feelings which is gonna make it tough when it ends..

But holy cow, just my luck.. she just told me her and her daughter are going to the concert, they won tickets to go frown. I donít want to hurt her, but if I have to take a stance, Iím gonna side with the girl Iím going with.. hopefully it doesnít come to that
98 3,082 Read More
For Newcomers
10 hours ago
I so thought I had a chance to reconcile one day.
13 141 Read More
For Newcomers
10 hours ago
This is a rough first night taking back the MBR full time. Our daughter sleeps in there and my W is saying she can never sleep with our daughter again. That she is stuck on the uncomfortable couch. Her dog that sleeps in the bed wont stay on the couch so she doesnt have him either.
I know that I have been told this is for the best especially with a WAW who is having a PA, but man. It doesnt feel right now like it is helping us at all. Especially with all my relationship talk yesterday and this morning piled on. She is going to have a complete meltdown with all this pressure. I feel like I am pushing her more in to the arms of the OM.
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