Detachment, indifference, and such are emotional states. Decisions made and actions taken based upon emotions usually lead to regret.
Stick to the path. You thought about things. Decided things. Before this moment. Before your temporary reprieve from your feelings. Follow that. Follow your reason.
With the emptiness and silence of W and her behavior, look inside yourself. Find you. Your values. Your motivations. Know thy self.
This void is temporary, and I suspect will unwind and reassert itself a few times. Do not fritter away your opportunity in all this. It’s still a grueling road to truly find peace and acceptance.
I am sorry you find yourself here. Bomb drop is such a gut punch.
Originally Posted by mrorange
I’ve got a vague idea of what DB is but I’m so hurt and confused. I’m beginning to physically deteriorate. It’s quite literally killing me. I can feel it…
Breathe.
You are among folks who understand. Folks who care. Folks who have walked through the fires you are currently in.
Yes, this does take a horrible physical toll upon one. Such emotional stress is reflected physically. We also do not care for ourselves as best we should when embroiled within this.
A very common thing is sleep deprivation. Restless, fitful, nightmare-filled sleeps can linger for months.
Physical activity is an excellent outlet for venting one’s pent up anxiety and to reduce stress. It also helps with sleeping patterns and sleeping more soundly.
Sweat it out. Do something physical, even exhausting. Let those feelings go into the activity. Walk, run, dig the garden, practice with the punching bag, etc. Something safe to let go your feelings.
Do you have a copy of Divorce Remedy by MWD? If not, get one. Read it carefully and fully. Lots of great information in that book.
A note, do not share the book or anything you learn with W, she will see it as you attempting to manipulate her, which will be counterproductive. DR, this site, and such are your playbook, they are for you. Keep them close to the vest. And clear the browser cache on the family computer if you use it on this site.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Read the detachment thread for ideas and strategies and tools for fostering detachment. It takes time, and purposeful rational thought and activity.
Detachment, letting go, dropping the rope, is basically one no longer being uncontrollably dragged around by their situation or the words and behaviours of their spouse. Drop the rope or be dragged, is a common saying you’ve likely ran across in your months of reading here.
Originally Posted by mrorange
I’m in pain. Everyday for 6 months has been a struggle. Some days are better than others, but it’s ever present… The infidelity, the drinking, the eye twitching. She is so angry sometimes. It’s frightening honestly. Please help.
I do empathize and understand your pain. After my BD, I too languished. Ceaselessly.
The quickest way through this bog is a straight line. It is quite a slog and takes time.
We all require a certain amount of understanding before we can/will let go. Before we find detachment. Post, ask questions, listen to the kind and compassionate folks here with much hard-earned wisdom.
Originally Posted by mrorange
I just feel like everything I’ve worked so hard for. My family, my career, my home…. None of it exists anymore. I’m absolutely devastated, and it’s been dragging on 6 months now.
mro, I do understand that feeling of devastation. Have faith, you’ve not lost. The future is unknown and unwritten. This absolutely gets better. You will be better!
For right now, breathe. Take it day by day. Hour by hour when you need to. Heck, I had plenty of days I existed minute to minute. Literally. I watched the second hand go around the entire clock. Then, surviving that minute, I did another. Let me tell you, an hour/day can feel like an eternity.
Focus on you. Shift your focus off of W. Give her plenty of time and space. She needs to burn through her anger and resentment. That frightening angry side of her you’ve seen.
W’s current path is emotionally driven. She will change her mind and her trajectory many times. Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. Another reason to shift your focus off of her.
Get a life (GAL). Do activities. Pick up old forgotten hobbies. Start something new. Try something you’ve always wanted to do. This all helps with detachment and many other facets of your path.
Please do share your ages and how many kids and such. Folks can better tailor suggestions with more information. This is a safe place, and you are anonymous. Just leave names, locations, and such out.
…I just kept saying to myself 'why would I even want to be with her?' I'm sure I'll have good and bad days, but is this what detachment is? Just a total indifference towards her and what happens?
So I guess my only question now is, since I haven't been served yet (she claims L was filing over 2 weeks ago), should I ask her wtf the hold up is??
No, I’d not ask her.
Detachment, indifference, and such are emotional states. Decisions made and actions taken based upon emotions usually lead to regret.
Stick to the path. You thought about things. Decided things. Before this moment. Before your temporary reprieve from your feelings. Follow that. Follow your reason.
With the emptiness and silence of W and her behaviour, look inside yourself. Find you. Your values. Your motivations. Know thy self.
This void is temporary, and I suspect will unwind and reassert itself a few times. Do not fritter away your opportunity in all this. It’s still a gruelling road to truly find peace and acceptance.
Originally Posted by Terapin
I'm really having no thoughts or feelings about her whatsoever.
Nature abhors a vacuum and other feelings will loom larger in the void. Stay the course. Continue moving forward.
I just said 'I probably won't have time [for lunch], but I"ll meet you at the appt'.
Just my 2cents, but drop confusing words from your communication.
Well it's moot anyway. I met them at the appt, and son wanted to stop for dinner on the way back so we did. It was ok, but I'm noticing a change in myself. Seeing her, and being around her the last few days, maybe even week or two, I'm really having no thoughts or feelings about her whatsoever. Like Sunday when I met her and the bridal shower party at the bar/restaurant, we were sitting next to each other, and (of course she was drunk) I just kept saying to myself 'why would I even want to be with her?' I'm sure I'll have good and bad days, but is this what detachment is? Just a total indifference towards her and what happens?
So I guess my only question now is, since I haven't been served yet (she claims L was filing over 2 weeks ago), should I ask her wtf the hold up is??
Eight months on, nothing has changed in terms of "battles". She'll try to create them whenever she can. What's changed is my reaction. Steadfast boundaries.
Obviously, I can't go around telling her how sexy she is at this point. She will think I am sucking up to her. But this is an ongoing issue.
Correct. But you can behave in ways that she will receive subconscious messages from you that you find her sexy.
Steve talks about "touch charges".
Non-verbal communication is also very powerful. Body language, tones, inflections, etc.
Next time she is talking with you, really focus on studying what you are attracted to. Do not talk about your attraction with your words, but rather your eyes. Listen to her story without trying to advise, argue etc....what is her emotional state and what you find attractive are your top priorities...then remembering the details of what she said to you...her words to you are her story and you want to know her story...no matter how much you disagree with the words she is saying.
That is not emotional validation. What is(was) her emotional state? Was she sad? If you were in her shoes would you be sad if you felt like she didn't find you attractive? Stop acting like a typical guy.
"That must make you sad." "Does that make you sad?" etc....
And then, there are so many levels to why she FEELS this way. I am sure you are not giving her the attention she desires.
I still fall back to the art of seduction when dealing with my lady. Read that book cover to cover many times and take notes. Change your behavior accordingly.
One tactical approach to help your journey towards becoming an 'emotional rock' is to hit the slow-motion button at the right moment. Slow-motion also helps in more prolonged situations, like simply living through your day. Often, one comes to conclusions or assumes a particular state of mind rather quickly, even when there are no immediate provocations like a live argument. Slow motion is to move through the state-machine of your mind slowly. It allows you to deliberate which path to take toward your next state. This deliberation involves becoming conscious of the nature of the input (e.g., a cruel jab at you two hours earlier or, at this moment, a sense of entitlement that you should not be discussing your problems with your sibling, etc.) and your own processing of that input.
Sorry to hear about this. Your wife has been demonstrating typical WW behavior. It is quite likely that when you discovered her affair, her EA was already wearing out or she was on the verge of getting dumped. It is highly unlikely that she will readily agree to working on the MR without something unobvious at play. Maybe she is just bidding time until another affair materializes. Will need further observation, but most importantly you need to DB. Read the Lighthouse story asap, practice detachment and GAL like your live depends on it.
Can you tell us more about yourself and your family - ages, children, and you MR so far etc.
It came up again when she indicated that she wants to end our marriage.
"I don't think you find me attractive any more."
I told her that was not true.
Background: I always had a hard time dating when I was younger. I am basically introverted, plus the consensus among most of the women I met is that I am below average in the looks department. As I have gotten older, I have cared less about this. I am who I am, it's not my problem if someone else doesn't like it.
As explained in my first post, W is a bariatric patient. When we married, she weighed roughly twice what she does now. And let me say that regardless of weight, W is an extremely good-looking woman. From what I gathered, she never really had trouble getting dates and could presumably have had any man she wanted. I was actually somewhat surprised I hit it off with her; I always figured I would end up with someone "plainer" looking.
Over the years, I have heard repeatedly, "I'm fat!" In fact, I heard it again just the other day, even though she has lost almost 50% of her body mass. More recently, the complaint changes to encompass the changes that have come with her weight loss.
"Look at this loose skin. Isn't it terrible?"
"I hate the way my arms look."
Hence her upcoming surgeries, this time to deal with these weight loss effects.
Admittedly, there are some health issues that come with this. Hygiene is more difficult, and she has to wear clothes, especially pants, that are bigger than they would be otherwise, and it's very uncomfortable for her.
I have supported all of her surgical procedures, because I want her to be happy, herself. She doesn't have to do this for me. Extra weight, flabby arms, I don't care. I am hardly Mr. Slim myself. She has always excited me. But we have hardly ever made love with the lights on, at her request. Sometimes I'd leave a light on hoping she would not care. But she usually did.
So now, since she feels I don't compliment her enough, she probably has a head full of, "He can't stand the way I look anymore." (This despite the fact that she looked the exact same the last time we were together sexually, and everything worked out fine).
Obviously, I can't go around telling her how sexy she is at this point. She will think I am sucking up to her. But this is an ongoing issue.
D- Problem is FIL basically can’t do anything for himself. He can’t feel his hands or feet. He is dependent upon someone for the most basic things. W just assumes she/we can care for him. We only can to a point. My BIL is useless, been that way his whole life. MIL can barely take care of herself. It’s a bad deal all around. I love my FIL like I would a biological father, mine sucked. I understand what needs to happen, W is too emotional to go there mentally right now. I’m not going to say he can’t live with us. I guess things will have to play out until she realizes he needs a nursing facility. Thanks for the advice
It is pretty standard for the leaving spouse to become the opposite of who they once were. Some are driven by consuming torments from past trauma(s); others reacting/responding/taking action to built up resentment(s), be those perceived or bonafide.
One of the (probably multiple) factors exacerbating the situation is what I see as a deep-seated insecurity that I believe W has about her physical appearance. This appears to be lifelong. I am going to make a separate post about this and how it has manifested, and continues to do so, in our lives.
Originally Posted by DnJ
The LBS can only control themselves. Their thoughts, actions, and reactions. However, they can, and do, exert an influence. Giving time and space, being kind and cordial, maintaining boundaries regarding disrespectful behaviours, and such. Standing, while moving forward. All within your control. All for you. And all providing a positive influence towards busting a divorce.
This I am doing. I am identifying things I want to do, or do better, for myself, and behaviors that I can modify. One of my first goals was to pay a little more attention to my own appearance. I typically would wear my hair a little on the longer side, let it grow out somewhat. I decided to change that and see how I would feel wearing it shorter all the time. It wasn't particularly long, but I got a haircut anyway. I've decided that I like it, and coincidentally it was immediately noticed by W, who complimented me on it.
Another thing is to try to do one thing I find fun or engaging each day. This one is actually harder, since it can be hard to put aside the negative feelings and jump into something positive. But I am trying.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Yes, there are many milestones that have a bittersweet flavour, even without martial strife. Kids growing up and making their way, is a particular one. And a common “cause” of stirring up feelings, and exacerbating martial problems.
Senior prom is a big event in a young lad’s life. Congrats to him. Be proud of the man he is becoming.
Take care.
D
Yes, and he's getting academic and athletic honors this week, too. A great time for him.
I agree, having FIL, especially given how infirm he is, will place a lot of stress upon the household.
Years ago, I had my parents live with us for four months. They had moved to our town and I was renovated their new home to make it wheelchair accessible. Basically, gutted the place and built the interior with a design for older people. With wife, four kids, a home run daycare, and my parents under one roof - that was a long four months.
Dad and Mom lived in their home for some years until Dad’s condition worsened to the point he required more care than the home care nursing program was able to provide. Holidays were really problematic, as well as storm bound days when roads were closed.
All home care situations need a backup plan, which was Mom or me. As Mom aged she became less and less able-bodied as well. And with work, or me away on vacation, things could get pretty bad pretty quick.
The real impetus of moving Dad to the care home came when his transferring out of bed became dangerous and truly more than he could do. He continually hurt himself dragging along the wheels and other edges, instead of lifting himself over such. Moving into a care facility was not wanted by him, yet not lost upon him either.
Nowadays, he is fine living there. Visits me and/or Mom when he wants. Gets out and wheels around town. And has around the clock care and help when needed.
From what you wrote, it sounds like FIL’s prognosis is not completely grim. Although, he may not be as able to live in the home environment as he used to. Does W have siblings or is she alone on these kind of decisions/discussions? It’s a difficult topic to discuss with one’s affected parent.
I do understand your feelings of being between a rock and a hard place. You and W do need to openly discuss FIL living with you and W. Discussing openly is not quite W’s forte at the moment. Therefore, it’s likely going to fall upon you to initiate and somewhat lead/move it along. Be gentle and upfront. A clear statement of what is needed to discuss will set the guidelines and tone - just opening a discussion of concerns and options. Lots of empathy and understanding will hopefully help facilitate reaching W.
Keep the conversation safe and compassionate and about FIL and his care. What he can do, and what he cannot. What he requires, and what you and home care can provide. Gather the positives of him living there as well as the challenges. Do the same for other locations/ideas. The best path forward should come into focus with such input.
What should you do? Continue as you have been. Be a friend, listen and not offer advice unless he asks for it. Do not be hasty and point fingers if he slips up or makes mistakes along the way. You are the lighthouse of safe haven, so be kind and gentle. He's going to be fragile for quite some time.
Also, I would continue to live my life and do the things that I enjoy. When he sees that you are not "expecting" him to be the old self, he will continue to reach out. One word of caution...the marriage you had is now dead and you just may get the opportunity to build a new one. Whatever changes you have made, you must continue on with them. There will be times that he will ask if you want him to just leave again, especially is something isn't going well...do not encourage him to leave. You want him to be drawn to you, i.e., just like a moth to a candle.
I will caution you...this final stage is the most difficult for us because we want them to hurry up and get over the crisis and come back home. Just as it took a long time for him to go into crisis, it will take just as long for them to recover and want to return home. You may discover that he has kept some of the habits he has developed during the crisis and others will return just like they were pre-crisis. Whatever the outcome...patience is the main ingredient in getting to the finish line.
Again, just be a friend, give him a safe place to land and do not be judgmental. He will know that he's got a lot of difficult/heavy work to do and it cannot be swept under the rug.
Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome Thread for you to read. Please continue to post and ask questions. I'm sure others will come along shortly to post to you.
Hello everyone, I’ll just try to sum things up quickly here…
My wife asked for a separation 6 months ago. ILYBNILWY Financially we cannot live separately, so for a short time we slept in separate beds. I’ve been reading these forums for many months, and I was not surprised when I found evidence of an affair on her phone. It was extremely emotional for both of us when I found out.
So after I discovered this I asked her to stop communicating with this man and please try to work on our marriage. She has agreed. Saying that when the affair happened, she regarded our marriage as over. But now wants to work on it. I’m definitely suspicious that it took my catching her for her to decide she wants to work on us.
We have 2 young children, and both of us want to remain together for them. My wife displays many MLC traits. And a recent prescription for ADD medication has sent her deep into MLC behavior. Her drinking has become excessive, and life in general seems to be only about her right now.She used to be very selfless and nurturing. Her mood with our children has deteriorated as well. She is very stern with them now. It’s gotten better since I discovered the affair, but still present.
Our sex life has gone from minimal. (Before the discovery) To daily. (After discovering) Back to non existent. (Presently)
I’ve got a vague idea of what DB is but I’m so hurt and confused. I’m beginning to physically deteriorate. It’s quite literally killing me. I can feel it…
Why is she suddenly wanting to now work on our marriage? After I caught her? Why are we basically not separated now that I’ve discovered? We sleep in same bed. Kiss, hug. No sex right now, but we’ve had more sex recently in general. Before catching her. I have rewired my entire life in hopes of improving our relationship. I’ve stopped smoking, and drinking. Gone to counseling. (Which seems to have made things worse) The therapist told her about CoDependency, and that set us back months.
Im in pain. Everyday for 6 months has been a struggle. Some days are better than others, but it’s ever present… The infidelity, the drinking, the eye twitching. She is so angry sometimes. It’s frightening honestly. Please help.
I just feel like everything I’ve worked so hard for. My family, my career, my home…. None of it exists anymore. I’m absolutely devastated, and it’s been dragging on 6 months now.
e word “but”. It is concatenating multiple views together and reinforcing attachment. Detachment starts by identifying and individualizing one’s thoughts, which one then expresses/reinforces in/with one’s speech. This then influences one’s emotions and beliefs.
Untie H, his behaviour, trashy OW, and her behaviour from your big bright life, world, and future. “My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger.” Absolutely! Do not detract from, nor diminish, your accomplishments and gains.
Separate thoughts. Separate sentences and paragraphs. With such organizing, you can strengthen your positive thoughts, and let go/detach the other a little easier.
You are so very wise. I've been catching myself with the buts and need to pay more attention. I love what you're saying and will have a go straight away.
I'm going to Dubai with D for a week on hols. My first solo trip. My son is off to Greece on a lads holiday at the same time! Looking forward toy adventures
Haven’t posted in a while, been a busy few weeks. Went back to work, d13 had 8th grade “graduation” ceremony, and s17 graduated high school. D13’s travel softball season is in full swing , so weekends are booked for the next two months. R has been “good”. Things between us are going well, I just have the nagging feeling that eventually the other shoe is going to drop. No change as far as W agreeing to any type of therapy, still wants to sweep everything under the rug and move on. FIL has gotten worse and she wants him to move in with us. He is wheelchair bound and cannot do anything for himself. Even with a home healthcare provider during the day, that will put a lot on us. I fear that our R won’t survive it. I think him coming here is a bad idea. He needs more care than we are equipped to provide. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I also worry that she is being untruthful about us because of the situation with FIL. I will just keep on keeping on and do the best I can for now. The future looks tough and not so good if I’m being honest. W is already super stressed about her dad. I think if things don’t get better for him she won’t be able to handle it. Hopefully I’m wrong. I don’t just mean us, I think she will have a terrible time dealing with losing him. I worry about her.
Congratulations on the gym! And the continued walking.
Originally Posted by MA1970
I'm really struggling with why I feel so attached to H.
A little advice. Wording. Your mind is always listening and crafting your world view.
Originally Posted by MA1970
My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger but I really struggle with how he could leave me for OW. She looks trashy, has no morals & he's her third man in less than a year.
The word “but”. It is concatenating multiple views together and reinforcing attachment. Detachment starts by identifying and individualizing one’s thoughts, which one then expresses/reinforces in/with one’s speech. This then influences one’s emotions and beliefs.
Untie H, his behaviour, trashy OW, and her behaviour from your big bright life, world, and future. “My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger.” Absolutely! Do not detract from, nor diminish, your accomplishments and gains.
Separate thoughts. Separate sentences and paragraphs. With such organizing, you can strengthen your positive thoughts, and let go/detach the other a little easier.
Originally Posted by MA1970
Forward planning: I've got a night out booked in at the weekend for cocktails with a few close friends. I've bought myself a new outfit & aim to look as gorgeous as I can! We'll then be on countdown to hols.
Yes!
Enjoy the night out with your friends.
Ah, two weeks until holidays. Any particular plans for the time off?
It’s interesting how W demands you swear on your son’s life that you are telling the truth. Meanwhile, she is betraying the vows she took. Again, a rather common trait among the WAS/WS.
This is, perhaps, one of the most difficult things for me to understand.
W grew up in a close-knit family. I did not. All of her relatives preach the importance of family. Another one of her favorite quotes, uttered multiple times during our marriage, was "I take my marriage vows seriously."
It is easy to say that, of course, before the test comes. I guess I did not figure her to be someone who, when the going got rough, would just keep quiet and then grab the parachute.
Yes, until truly tested one doesn’t know just what they’ll do.
It is pretty standard for the leaving spouse to become the opposite of who they once were. Some are driven by consuming torments from past trauma(s); others reacting/responding/taking action to built up resentment(s), be those perceived or bonafide.
Regardless of the underlying “cause”, there is an emotional component to all this. Be it the absence of feelings towards the LBS; too many other feelings; numb with no feelings; hurt; angry; sad; excited; etc. Usually a hodgepodge of many emotional states.
The LBS cannot fight, nor bring order, nor peace, nor much of anything to their spouse’s emotional state, since we are the one in the divorce crosshairs. Rational logical reasons do not work. No magical words will significantly penetrate or alter their current viewpoint.
Nothing you do matters. And everything you do does.
The LBS can only control themselves. Their thoughts, actions, and reactions. However, they can, and do, exert an influence. Giving time and space, being kind and cordial, maintaining boundaries regarding disrespectful behaviours, and such. Standing, while moving forward. All within your control. All for you. And all providing a positive influence towards busting a divorce.
W needs to work through her feelings. Needs to chip away at the pile of resentment she has. This takes time and the space to do so, all while you don’t (knowingly/purposefully) add to the pile. This is where focus on you is so important. Pretty much anything you do, can (and will) be used as fodder by W. So do for you. Make wanted changes for you. Let W do and feel what she will. Let her walk her path without manipulation. While you walk your’s.
It’s difficult to realize and do - letting the chips falls where they will, gives you the best shot.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
…her mother is going to supervise her care when I am out of the house. But she can't be here 24/7, obviously, and leave my FIL alone.
The kicker is that based on her timeline, all of this is going to coincide with her actively trying to remove me from the house. (I am expecting to be served before surgery date. We'll see).
Thus, her dream scenario would mean that during surgery #2 in the fall, all her care and most of the care of our younger son while I'm at work all day is going to fall squarely on her family, mostly her parents, who are in their 70s.
Sounds like a good plan?
Obviously a poor plan. However, it is a common/similar plan. Most often they feel things will just magically happen easy peasy. Logistics, bills, housing, kids, etc… They can have some seriously misguided visions of how things will all turn out, and how the process is going to go.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
I've seen her parents and brother since everything started. If they know all the details, they are candidates for an Oscar. (I'm not ruling it out). I think her mother (who knows something about W's discontent) would be especially devastated.
A sudden dumping of such a care requirement upon her unsuspecting Mom is likely to not go to well. Steer clear of this minefield.
Originally Posted by SunFlyer
Watched my older son go off to his senior prom today. He is a spectacularly good-looking young man.
I won't lie; it wasn't easy. But I held firm.
There are a number of things coming up that are going to take on a bittersweet flavor, especially his graduation and a fiftieth anniversary party for W's parents.
Yes, there are many milestones that have a bittersweet flavour, even without martial strife. Kids growing up and making their way, is a particular one. And a common “cause” of stirring up feelings, and exacerbating martial problems.
Senior prom is a big event in a young lad’s life. Congrats to him. Be proud of the man he is becoming.
Just posting weekly update to keep me on track. The advice on NC from Kind & DnJ was really helpful & I've stuck to it.
It's been a really rough week in terms of emotions & I struggled to eat again for a few days till I regulated myself back in the present. His OW changed her profile pic on social media to one of her & him. He looked really happy & this killed me. I don't follow her (or stalk her account) but she came up on daughters feed as a potential friend & D showed me. It completely destroyed me for a few days but I then took a reality check. Its no different than the say before. I know he wants to be with her at present. I know he's happy when he's with her. I've seen a photo of it now. So what? (Except it kills Me!). Its been the biggest emotional response for some time so shocked me a bit & threw me off track for a good few days.
GAL activity - I joined the gym!!! I hate it but I'm going. Its a cheap gym so no frills, which is quite intimidating because its full of young lads lifting weights. I went with D & although I'm not committing to Kinds every day for 30 days (holiday in 2 weeks), I'm going alternate days to my walking & this feels like a good balance.
I'm really struggling with why I feel so attached to H. My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger but I really struggle with how he could leave me for OW. She looks trashy, has no morals & he's her third man in less than a year. I think I've got a lot of old narratives about what my life should be like ie happy married wife & mum & I feel sad that this has been taken away from me by someone who doesn't measure up. I'm starting to get a little angry but the big emotions are still sadness and anxiety. I struggle with no contact at all, it feels like there's no hope & he's living his best life with no responsibility whilst I battle on through most days. I'm work in progress with distancing from my thoughts. I'm trying not yo engage with my internal dialogue about whether it's true or false & just take a step back, observe my response & think I have choices about responding differently. It's really hard and I keep coming back to it feeling like play acting & when will it ever go away.
Forward planning: I've got a night out booked in at the weekend for cocktails with a few close friends. I've bought myself a new outfit & aim to look as gorgeous as I can! We'll then be on countdown to hols.
Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I really do value them all and try and incorporate everything that is advised.
Hi. It sounds like you're doing well. Back in my younger days, I always subscribed to the theory that you'll think about someone until the next one comes along. I'm certainly not advocating you to go hook up with someone. But a fun night out with friends, and getting some attention from other men would probably do a lot for your confidence. Again, not saying to hook up. But I went out w/ friends a few weeks ago, and it was nice to see a few women even make eye contact with me.
Just keep focusing on yourself as much as possible. There's no easy way through this, but you'll get there.
Just posting weekly update to keep me on track. The advice on NC from Kind & DnJ was really helpful & I've stuck to it.
It's been a really rough week in terms of emotions & I struggled to eat again for a few days till I regulated myself back in the present. His OW changed her profile pic on social media to one of her & him. He looked really happy & this killed me. I don't follow her (or stalk her account) but she came up on daughters feed as a potential friend & D showed me. It completely destroyed me for a few days but I then took a reality check. Its no different than the day before. I know he wants to be with her at present. I know he's happy when he's with her. I've seen a photo of it now. So what? (Except it kills Me!). It’s been the biggest emotional response for some time so shocked me a bit & threw me off track for a good few days.
GAL activity - I joined the gym!!! I hate it but I'm going. Its a cheap gym so no frills, which is quite intimidating because its full of young lads lifting weights. I went with D & although I'm not committing to Kinds every day for 30 days (holiday in 2 weeks), I'm going alternate days to my walking & this feels like a good balance.
I'm really struggling with why I feel so attached to H. My life is better than it was, I look better and my world is definitely bigger but I really struggle with how he could leave me for OW. She looks trashy, has no morals & he's her third man in less than a year. I think I've got a lot of old narratives about what my life should be like ie happy married wife & mum & I feel sad that this has been taken away from me by someone who doesn't measure up. I'm starting to get a little angry but the big emotions are still sadness and anxiety. I struggle with no contact at all, it feels like there's no hope & he's living his best life with no responsibility whilst I battle on through most days. I'm work in progress with distancing from my thoughts. I'm trying not to engage with my internal dialogue about whether it's true or false & just take a step back, observe my response & think I have choices about responding differently. It's really hard and I keep coming back to it feeling like play acting & when will it ever go away.
Forward planning: I've got a night out booked in at the weekend for cocktails with a few close friends. I've bought myself a new outfit & aim to look as gorgeous as I can! We'll then be on countdown to hols.
Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I really do value them all and try and incorporate everything that is advised.
