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Hi everybody, it's been 10 months since my last post. Here's an update:
(It turned out to be really long; I'm just looking for any thoughts/comments on my situation if anyone feels like wading through this mess :-) )

(Summary till now for newcomers to the thread: I've been married just once to my STBX for over 35 years. We've had great times, but also bad times where she's verbally and physically abused me. We have three awesome, successful adult children together. Last October, my STBX informed me she'd "checked out" of the marriage a couple years earlier and no longer found me attractive. Plus she said I was unable to emotionally connect with her. She said I was a great guy and deserved someone who adored me. First I wanted to save the marriage until she admitted she's been having a second affair (I had forgiven affair #1 years earlier). So I decided I'd "had it" and wanted my freedom).

My STBX and I are planning on divorcing this winter so she can stay on my work medical plan until she's eligible for Medicare (my suggestion since I've been trying to help her with a "soft landing" in this process).

In January I started therapy. My therapist helped me realize my STBX is a narcissist. My daughter has confirmed this in her own conversations with me even though I didn't knowingly give her any prompting to come to that conclusion.

Since my STBX saw how distraught i was at her prolific dating activities (since we were still living together), she encouraged me to start a Bumble profile and get dates on my own. I reluctantly agreed and she helped me start my profile.

I was surprised at how much positive attention I got. I was also surprised that my text game seemed to be pretty darn good.

We decided we HAD to live separately for obvious reasons. Financially the only way we could make it work was for her to start taking Social Security earlier than planned to cover most of her rent. When a small house opened up for rent just 100 yards away, we both decided it would be mutually beneficial for me to remain close for several reasons. Plus, I loved the location. So I moved out in the early Spring this year.

After moving out, I was dating a "rotation" of 6-7 women at once, which took up ALL my free time. I eventually settled into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with one which I had the best connection with.

My STBX agreed from the start that the two of us would remain "amicable" and friendly, so that we could support each other in the transition and be able to enjoy family time together with our kids. Our separation agreement doesn't contain specific financial details, but was based on "mutual trust" that I'd make sure she was OK. I definitely wanted our kids to know I wasn't trying to financially "screw over their mom" or anything like that. This turned out to be a mistake.

We agreed to equally split our retirement accounts when we divorce later this year; I figured this was just assumed since we're in a community property state. I've been supporting her financially in the amount of about $2K/month (sometimes more because of unexpected one-time expenses I agreed to cover). For example, I let her charge all her groceries on a joint card which I pay, I pay vet expenses for her sick dog, I make her $1100 car and $250 insurance payments, her cell phone bill, and some others.

In spite of this, she seemed angry at seeing my spend a small amount of money on my recreation (local skiing, gas for hiking, etc.), and insisted I give her money for her own recreation. I said no, since we had already split our income and expenses (with me covering part of hers as outlined above) so we now keep our own budgets. I'm buying her a beautiful new car but I'm driving and old beater which I can't afford to replace, so I think I'm being for than fair. My therapist thinks I've been letting her take advantage of me. I keep saying I can't just "cut her off" yet since she's not ready to fully support herself.

We still maintained a reasonably friendly relationship until she met my girlfriend in my driveway. Shortly after that I received an email from her divorce attorney threatening to re-negotiate our separation agreement and include spousal support. So I found my own attorney to protect myself and hopefully avoid any formal support agreement. Although I'm paying enough for her now that maybe it should be "official" support instead of just her randomly charging things on the joint card.

Now she seems somewhat hostile to me and barely responds to my messages unless she absolutely has to send a brief response. I feel she has wronged me more than I have wronged her so maybe she's trying to reduce her feelings of guilt. I would still love to remain friendly but she doesn't seem interested from her actions. I have no idea what kind of dating success she's having. She's very charismatic and beautiful with a great figure (not just for her age) so I'm sure she attracts men like crazy. I just have no clue if she's connection with anyone.

I have a great relationship with our kids and I definitely want them to maintain a close relationship with their mom. However I feel like they are becoming more sympathetic to me in this issue. If my STBX senses that, I can assume it drives her crazy. She adores her kids and seeks their adoration back.

Financially I've always been the breadwinner, working corporate jobs our entire marriage and letting her do basically whatever side business or part-time job she wants. I gross the low six-figures and she grosses about $40K. However I'm losing my job early next year via "downsizing". I don't plan on seeking another job unless I have to since I have a plan to hopefully support myself with the help of Social Security. So my attorney thinks that me losing my job will help keep me from having to pay support. I feel that if she wants more money, she needs to find more work (she barely works at all during the summer).

I feel her best friend, who divorced her husband for "lack of connection" before my STBX gave me the BD, is influencing her. She's wealthy so I suspect she's also paying for her attorney.

I'm starting to become paranoid and wonder if I need to accelerate the separation of our finances. This would include joint bank accounts and credit cards, plus getting a court order to split our 401K, etc. I'm currently planning on continuing to pay for her car since I'm on the loan and I don't think we could refinance it in her name anyway due to the car's value and her lack of income.

Thanks if you made it this far!

R2C you are an inspiration and a tremendous encouragement. Keep being you.

Well I guess I don't know his pay schedule like I thought I did, forgot he changed jobs and their pay schedule is different. Guess I was being dramatic...lol. H came through with his part of the insurance payment....Thank God
The less I reach out to my L the better, I like her and she has my back, I don't have the money to replace my retainer once it's gone, so unless I have to I don't bother her.

DNJ to answer your question, yes we filed a response to his BS and have heard nothing. Don't know if that's good thng or bad....it is what it is.

I have suggestions - but it is not gonna feel comfortable for you. However I feel like you will see how seriously "sorry" he is. And if he is at all interested in making amends. As they say - the proof is in the pudding.

"H - I have asked for space and time. I understand that this may be very broad so here is HOW i am asking for space.

1. Please refrain from telling me that you love me.
2. Let's please keep our conversations to about the kids.
3. Last night when I went to eat outside to eat alone - it would be great if you could give me that space
4. Although i completely understand how difficult it is to "live" with your actions, I am not the appropriate the person to talk to about this. Please find someone else as I do not wish to hear how "sick" you feel.
5. "Please sleep in a different room at night"

If you don't want to "miss the moment" then maybe try to not be a spectator with the kids. Run up the hill with them and leave your husband on the porch. Or if not possible - don't watch in the same area. If the kids can't hear you can say. "I'm focused on the kids and don't want to speak rightnow"

In some ways I can understand you not wanting to upset your kids... but you have to ask yourself "What am I showing them". If you don't stand up for yourself... then your kids won't learn to stand up for themselves. And that is a painful way to live a life.

Overall - You are just too available for him. It's a comfortable place for you even though any reader can see how painful/confusing being "available" is for you.

Take ALL of your energy previously used on H and turn it towards you. Stay in the uncomfortable, don't be afraid to rock the boat. I know it "feels" like there is much to lose - but the truth is that it is already gone. There is freedom to now be the person you were destined to be.


True... but that someone is actually YOU. Make sure YOU aren't throwing yourself breadcrumbs. Make sure YOU aren't only words but actions too.

One step at a time. You got this.

Good Morning MG

I’m glad the weekend went well. Sounds like it was very fulfilling.

You and I could trade. I’ve got a pile of apples on my trees. I did have loads of nectarines as well, however it seems squirrels really like them. They disappeared right off the branches, even up high, higher than a deer would reach. And nothing left on the ground either. My mom, kids, and I did get a quite a few feeds of the yummy fruit. The pears were a bust this year.

Having six weeks of vacation to use up before year end is a good problem to have. lol. I was in that boat as well. 33 years career. Now, everyday is a vacation. Hmmm, that’s an even better problem to have. Haha.

Have a great visit with son and hope the appointments go well.

D

RegretfulLA - hope you enjoyed the weekend without snoring nor H's antics.

I'm sorry to hear about the charges you came across. I can't imagine the emotions that ran through you. DnJ explained heavy lifting well in my thread. Give it another read.

We know that replay behaviors include activities MLCer wouldn't typically partake in pre-MLC. Being unfaithful is a way many seek 'happy'. Believe me, I don't condone it nor imply it's an easy finding. Still, we know it's common.

Only you know what you can overcome and forgive. Give your decision some time and thought. You don't need to decide whether to file or not today.

Hugs to you.

Good Morning Mat

Great update. I love the rubber band analogy. Yes, when one is rigid, their emotions/feelings will exert tremendous pressure. One who is more flexible can more easily allow such feelings to wash over them, then return to their center. Letting feelings flit.

I am sorry STBXW is being difficult. Her refusal to utilize her university education, to not work full time, does not equate to you having to fund her life choices. And her continued drinking is not helping matters.

Keep walking your path, your side of the street. You are right, as long as the kids remain safe, let her be.

Continue living and loving life. Investing time with kids, family, friends, and self. You are so correct - it absolutely pays off!

Have a great day my friend.

D

Great post MrP, I'm very happy for the outcomes you're experiencing and how you're handling things. I love the call to action at the end of your post - nothing in life or DB'ing is more important that taking action! And small steps beget larger ones. Keep it up, your patience and self awareness are great examples.

Good man 💪

Weights training is the #1 exercise you can do for mental health.


This also is good. Sounds to me like you’re making progress towards being less affected by what she says/does. It’s good that I start to see a bit of indifference in your language now.

Think back - one year ago, I guarantee her disappearing overseas with OM would have destroyed you much more than it did this time.

It’s important to consciously identify your progress here. Is it easy when she disappears overseas with OM? Absolutely not! But you reacted much better this time than you did before.

It proves that success is coming. Is it fast? Is it easy? No. It’s slow, it’s incremental - but it’s happening.

Definitely some self improvement to be proud of here.

THIS is the hard thing to do - BUT it is what YOU must do!

Have faith that it will happen.

Samoy,

I do understand your confusion, but that is what his crisis is all about...confusion, depression, anxiety and fear of death. We, the lbs, need to step way, way back from their drama because if we don't, we will be down in the rabbit hole with them. Trying to understand what they are doing is something that we all have attempted to do, but in the end, only they know to some degree why they do what they do and say.

For example, a poster that use to post here had a young son who had a children's desk and chair in his room. The h, while in crisis, came there one day and took the chair. Keep in mind the man was entirely too big to even sit in the chair. Another one came back to the home and took all of the coffee mugs. No one could understand that. Another one took the steps from a shed one day. He finally woke up, came home and brought the steps back. He couldn't explain to his wife why he took the steps.

Some keep every text, email, letter, card and wrapping paper that we give them. They are reminders of home or as I like to think...the last thread to home. Some sit in the driveway and just stare at their home, others call the landline to see if it is still active. Some revisit places that we have been that were happy times for them. Others sit in a dark room and don't want to socialize with others. No two situations are alike. It all depends upon the person, their personality, childhood and what transpired during childhood.

So, you see...there is no rhyme or reason for what they do. We can sit here 24/7 and attempt to analyze everything they say and do and we will not get very far because we do not know why they do and say the things they do. Trust, me...they remember everything we have said and done during their crisis.

About the blocked postings. If the friends are friends from his past, he will eventually distance himself from them. That is part of the crisis...distancing from family, pets and friends. If they are the new and improved friends, then maybe he's starting to wake up a bit and starting to let them go. Some of them may have figured out that he's not the person he once was and have decided to distance themselves from him and his drama. Keep in mind, he thinks he's 20 again and his friends have left the 20 something lifestyle behind. They are grown and have different interests now.

As I pointed out...if these are old friends, then he may not be sharing with them like he use to. Whatever the case, time will tell what is going on.

The crisis isn't a one size fits all. Every crisis is different and what they say and do never ceases to amaze me when I read about them.

When you have time, read some of the other threads, you will see that you are not alone on this journey. There is a lot of good information in each and every thread. The more you read and post, not only on your thread, but to others, the more you will learn.

I know you get tired of us saying this...keep the focus on you!

Samoy,

You need to stop over analyzing everything. You are going to drive yourself crazy. Who knows why people are not posting. Maybe they are just tired of dealing with his drama or he could have set up his account so that you cannot see the postings. Whatever the reason...I wouldn't focus on that.

You have been posting on this thread since June 5, 2023, concerning your h's reaching out to you. They do that during the crisis because they want to ensure that you are still there. From all of your postings on this thread, I do not see him in the final stages of his crisis. He is still out there.

You have not posted to your own thread since around November 2022. I suggest that you provide an update on that thread or create a new one and link your old thread to it. I have bumped your old thread up for you. Having a current thread allows others to follow your progress and offer advice and/or support to you as well as a way for you to refer back to what you posted and where if you should need to revisit a posting.

Now, keep the focus on you and I look forward to posting on your thread in the very near future.

BTW, I am locking this thread in order to clean it up and make it into an informational thread only.

Hello Crmn

Some guidelines/rules for you:


1. It's too soon to tell:

It's too soon to tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. If it's forever over or just a temporary split. You are just at the start of a process. Don't judge it or you or her too harshly. Don't analyze and awfulize this every minute of every day. It's too soon to tell what it all means and how it all ends.



2. Be the hero of your life story, not the victim of it.

That's up to you. No one can make you a victim without your permission. You don't need her to be the villain and you the victim. That doesn't help anyone, especially your children.



3. This women will always be the mother of your children.

Your children need to hear you speak kindly and lovingly of their mom. If you need to bash her and vent, do so when they are not around. They share her DNA. They don't want to feel they, too, are the bad guys.



4. Appoint yourself CEO of your joy.

It is no one else's job to make you happy. Period. Maybe she did for a while, maybe she never did. Doesn't matter. It's up to you to build a life of joy no matter what life hands you. See it through the eyes of gratitude. You can survive without her. You can't survive without you.



5. Create a 9-1-1 list of people to help.

Put their names and cell phone numbers on an index card you carry with you at all times. Ask them to be "on-call" to lend you an ear, a shoulder, a tissue, an old plate to break in an empty parking lot, the number for a good attorney. Create your own support Dream Team of the most positive people you know.



6. No playing bad home movies.

It's tempting to drift back in time and replay all the times she hurt you or loved you like crazy, which can make you feel crazy now. Stay present. Stay put in this day.



7. Pray for the serenity to accept the things you can't change.

If she had an affair, you can't change that. If she is in love with someone else, you can't change that. If she can't be talked out of the divorce, you can't change that. Acceptance means you align yourself with what is and start from there.



8. Breathe.

Just pause and breathe. Take a deep breathe and count slowly to six. Exhale slowly as you count to six. The slower you breathe, the more you will feel calm. Breathe in the love of God; breathe out the love of God. There is a place of peace inside of you -- find it. It is there. It's like the centerpiece in the snow globe. She shook your snow globe and all the pieces went flying, except for the core of you. No one -- no one -- has the power to shake that.



9. Nothing you want is upstream.

I love that line. Stop struggling. Stop swimming against the current. Stop forcing yourself on life and insisting it change. Turn and go with the flow. A God who loves you is in charge of this flow. Trust where the current is taking you. It's somewhere better. Trust me. Better yet, trust you.



10. The best is yet to come.

As good as she was, you deserve better. You deserve the best. If this relationship is truly over, then she must not have been the best. She was a dress rehearsal. Maybe she was a great appetizer or the salad course. But she wasn't the main dish. And she sure wasn't the dessert. The next relationship will be even more life enriching and life affirming. Tell the Universe, "I am ready for my perfect good." Include your children in that perfect good. Keep your heart wide open and be ready for it to fill up with even greater love.



Take care,

DnJ

So today i had the X served with papers, she was asked by lawyer (as i was given a copy) whether she wanted to be served personally or a legal representative. She was also informed that if she chooses to go to court that she will have to pay the court costs. I feel i have been left no choice but to take this process as i didnt want to have to spend this much money when we had drafted an agreement but i did not want to sit in financial and emotional limbo. Communicating with lawyer has added a little bit of stress on the days it happens, as i feel im reliving things i do not want to. I get less bad dreams, most of them are me chasing her and then her still talking to others and me feeling hurt. It is the only part of my recovery i cannot control, the subconscious part of our brain is the last hold out in the healing and moving forward process. I am hoping that a court date does not get set because if it happens it will force me to fly back for an appearance and i really do not want to blunt my progress, and now with work i have some fiduciary responsibilities. Work is going great, im starting to feel more comfortable and i have exceeded any goals that I have set for myself.
Whenever i feel down or even when things are going well for me, i find myself going to my spot of refuge and praying with intent, mostly praying for strength and being thankful for the things in my life that i have and are going well. This has done wonders for my psyche and i make it a habit of waiting and sitting on chapel steps and watching the sunset and taking in the fresh air (full of eucalyptus trees) and listening to the sound of the wind at the mountain top. I have begun taking artistic pictures of beautiful things i see in nature and practicing my photography skills in the progress.

While all of this is going on i am starting to get closer to the woman i am seeing and i feel a real connection with her everything feels and seems so easy around her and we share so much common ground that everything seems natural between us. While i know this is not the solution for my healing, it has created some fond new memories and restored some of my faith that there are women out there that share the same values as me. We are taking it slow and i feel that is the right way to do this, i am opening up as is she slowly and there has been absolutely zero conversation about our exes, and thats what i wanted. I did not want a connection forged on negative energy and feelings but rather one built on shared values and priorities. I did not plan to meet someone this soon, nor did i go out of my way for it to happen, i told myself that i would be open to it happenning but not lose focus on my own personal goals and alter my routine. It almost feels like she was the right person to enter my life at the right time. I am not getting overconfident nor am i refocusing my emotional energy on this woman but i am enjoying the moments and living in them when they happen. I truly feel i am ready to explore this further. I have made a conscious effort for a year and a half not to seek out anyone but work on my own well being and figuring out what i wanted in my life and what i want in a partner, i do not want to settle for someone who is broken and needs a saviour but someone who sees the world the same way as i do.

Thank you for listening, remember guys there is life after betrayal and hurt, do not rush it, do not force it, let what may come happen, have faith and stay humble and true to your values and beliefs. These are what you carry with you for life and what build and solidify your identity, never compromise who you are for anyone, you are only hurting yourself. Unfortunately we cannot fix others nor should we destroy ourselves in a futile attempt. We have to be at peace with who we are to succeed in anything that we do in our lives.

Hello MA

Thank you.

Yes, I am doing very well and loving my life. I have plenty of projects to do around here. Then there is hobbies, games, movies, sitting under the stars, relaxing on the deck, travelling, and so on. Lots of options of how to spend/invest my time; and for the most part, prioritized as I wish it to be.

D

H has moved out. Starting a new thread called "Rumspringa".


Next thread.

Tank you MamaG

Of course I wrote this yesterday and I also started a 40 standing devotional yesterday and today after I got to work I had this supper impulsive want to call and talk to him about where we are in working on us. i know it wouldn't do any good so I called and txted some friends that i have met through this that are fellow standers and the trough all the advice I give them when they feel like that right back at me. I have learned not to talk to anyone about this that does not understand MLC or support my standing. I will make me a mess if I listen to those people that give advise for a rational situation because mlc is everything but normal and rational. Finally calmed down a bit. I still feel the pull to talk to him but have it under control and know it would just set this back.

One thing I have learned from reading stories from so many that have been in MLC is that not a single one woke up from a conversation or when we are begging. They have only woke up when when they felt loss and they knew they needed to once they were far enough along in this process.

The weeks feel like months to us. And according to mlc stories the months feel like days to them.

I will give him that I have seen improvements on a few things though from pre MLC and that is his blowups on the kids, Ant that to me is one of the most important thing.

Hang in there. we will all get to a good spot.

Hey MikeP. Glad to see an update. Sorry to hear about the current struggles. As DNJ says, and as unnatural or counterintuitive as it feels, you must work on what you can control: yourself. Work toward the best of yourself so that you feel your best and can act as only your best self can. It is different than being selfish. This self-orientation is about your well-being. Your sanity. Your health. Yes, it would help if you worked on empathy and validation when given an opportunity with W.

Healing and forgiveness are for you; not necessarily W. The "guarantee" (as DNJ suggests) is that, more often than not, if we work on ourselves, truly, no matter what the outcome of our relationships, we can feel confident we're doing the best we can.

Seeming sad or desperate isn't attractive. To paraphrase the old saying, detachment makes the heart grow fonder (if there is a chance it will). Are you working on getting a life of your own? Becoming a bit mysterious? Doing 180s from the habits and behaviors that may have contributed to your current situation.

Copy and paste Sandy's rules into a note on your phone. Work on executing them. Re-engage in a hobby or interest you've put aside or start one that you've hoped to start. W has to go through whatever W needs to go through. You didn't break her; you can't fix her. The right actions might attract her back to you. But work to be more attractive for any potential partner or friends or family who might prefer to spend time with you. I've not read back through your thread to see if you have an individual therapist or perhaps a program at work that enables at least some short-term therapy visits for you. If you can, I recommend it. And, keep posting her. We'll help how we can.

Good Morning MG

Thanks.

I still got trees to clean up. Things are settling down here and I’ll get focused back on getting them cut up and hauled away.

D

I am back after a year and want to thank everyone who supported me during this journey. I believe I followed your advice to GAL, as I spent the past year off the forum, enjoying life and working on self-improvement. I am now somewhat at peace with the divorce, which was finalized early in 2024. Despite several conversations with my ex during the process, I still encountered resentment and blame, even when trying to be friendly and helpful. This experience truly highlighted that both of us still have much to learn about becoming kinder and more secure individuals.

XW left in December 2022, and sometime later, I met someone nice organically and we started dating for several months. Unfortunately, it turned out she had a fully avoidant attachment style. We had similar backgrounds—both being divorced—and shared great chemistry and connection, but she wasn't willing to be vulnerable and build a solid foundation. I'm still some time away from re-entering the standard dating scene, as there are aspects of myself that I want to improve and standards to set for future prosperous relationships. Despite the bumps in the road, the last 12 months have been amazing. I've traveled a lot, reconnected deeply with friends and family, met interesting new people, and fulfilled many of my dreams! Truly enjoying little moments! :))

As for my XW (29y), she did start a relationship with ~40y old men that I thought she had an affair with. So, I guess some of you were absolutely right He also, divorced from his marriage with kids. As far as other people told me they are planning wedding already and potentially having a child. Sounds like rushing, but I hope she finds peace and love. We share a lot of friends they sometimes leak something about her, but I am strictly in NC for a year now (apart from closing the divorce papers). She still sometimes watches my or my friends social media, even thought we do not follow each other. Perhaps it's her way of being curious. I guess I reached a place of love - wanting the best for her without wanting her back.

Once I am fully ready, I will continue my search for good partner. Tring to be kinder one day at a time

Thank you, once again.