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Glad to hear youíre doing better, G! Comparison is the thief of joy - SO true! That was my exís problem really -even given everything he had, it wasnít enough. He was too busy resenting the people in our wealthy community who had even more.
And those happy couples on FB? Half of it isnít what it appears to be, you know that. I think it was a good choice for you to stay off. (My exís life probably looks perfect on FB - hot young wife, retired young at 60, exotic travel (pre-pandemic), surfer pad at the beach. Youíd never know about his new chronic pain syndrome, his wifeís depression after her motherís death, his parentís serious illnesses, his strained relationships with his children.
While heís much better off financially than I am, and Iíll probably have to work until 70 to secure my own retirement in a way that also protects my kids, I still feel like I got the better end of the deal. I know him, heís probably still unhappy with his lot. Iíve got work that I love, a good relationship with my kids, a successful music hobby, and most of all, contentment with what I have and a deep appreciation for it when so many are suffering and struggling.
For passive aggressive behavior, I would do both: 1. Call it out 2. Do not engage depending on the situation.
Iím currently doing NC with my exH (only communicating when weíre scheduling visits), and Iíve found it to be the key of not getting dragged into his mental mess. So Iím curious- how much communication about the kids is really necessary between you two? If passive aggressive behavior is in person, I would call it out - ďdonít be an aholeĒ would do. If itís thru text/email, I ignore.
Also are you not going thru settlement talks with a L? Letting a L take over all D talk for me was the best decision ever.
Sorry you ended up stewing more than processing over the latest events and requisite email to your lawyer.
Originally Posted by Pax_luv
I wish I was more protected in this beanie issue. And I hate that Iím even saying that. Like how is this an actual issue???
Trying turn this on its head.
It is an issue. One you cannot control. So let go of the emotions and deal with it as business. The hating of it comes from expectations and oneís emotional investment being unmet. At this time, your hope and expectations that XH will go away if you put your foot down. He most likely will not.
He will go away once all the loose ends are tied up; more accurately you will. You will move forward and he will not exist rent-free in your mind.
Emotionally, itís your ego. Let him go. You cannot make him see. Sometimes, one needs to stop arguing and just let them be wrong.
The old thinking pattern are hard to alter. We mistakenly mind read others and predict their reactions based upon our past experiences with different people. The mid-night bathroom run is a good example of how talking about it alleviated those nagging concerns of yours.
If being woken up mid-slumber is some sleep depriving issue, accommodations would be made. The actual root problem wouldnít be being woken up, itís not getting back to sleep. A siren, a dog barking, etc, all would awaken the suffer. Trundling down to the guest bath wouldnít solve that.
Perhaps you can just let XH be wrong and not feel the same pull to his ingrained training. Let it go. Be free. No need to drag XHís baggage around. Let him be wrong.
A gf of mine (who's in a relationship) wants me to come with her & have dinner a her male BFFs house. M-BFF's room mate is divorced and single AND is very handsome. My gf and her M-BFF seem pretty excited about it. I the guys picture and he might be too pretty for me...lol. but whatever. It's all about getting out there are meeting people.
Bach2 didn't reply last week to the text I sent him. ("hope we can be friends"..) That's not what I said, but that's the gist of it. I was actually sad that week and really felt bad that I ended things before they got started. Did I hurt his feelings? He's a really nice guy. One thing that I wasn't honest about, was that I didn't like that he smoked. I didn't express that in my text. That bothered me, that I wasn't honest with him or myself. So, I text him today, and he sent a nice reply, and a smiley winky face emoji. That really made my day and I learned a valuable lesson. Just be yourself and be honest.
I haven't had anyone really catch my eye online, and that's okay. It's just a fun way to meet people. I've had to say no thank you to a few. I might have to change my profile so not to attract the wrong guys. Most are WAY to old. Or they don't live anywhere near me.
Zero Expectations. Except laughs. I DO expect laughs...
97Hope, I hide my situation from all my family and friends IRL for months. Thank goodness for all of you here. This forum was my only outlet. Posting my pain here, got me through the toughest times. and this forum and all you here continue to do that.
YES, talk to friends! THAT was the biggest mistake I made, was not confiding in anyone when I was mentally falling apart. You are so right on so many levels. ((HUGS)) and cheers to us that keep on keepin on and remain strong.
Thank you for sharing your first hand experiences with Covid. My heart goes out to those that have to deal with it on a regular basis. I was able to get the vaccine completed at the beginning of the year. There was no hesitation.
Hi AndrewP, I hope you rested and did not clean anything in your house! Sounds like you had a busy week! Although, I do understand the need to keep certain things tidy.... may you get that ((hug)) that you need.
I love the fact that a proclivity (or not) towards cilantro is genetic! We had a large supper party once and everyone ate a bite of cilantro to test. 70% loved it and the other 30% thought it tasted like soap! Ha.
DnJ, your potato soup sounds delish!
I am so sorry that you have been dealing with the work issue, that must have been so disappointing. My pity is fleeting however, because you are so curious and engaged with your children, with the world, that you are never going to be 'left behind'.
I always curiously marveled at certain family members that would say 'I can't learn to email/text/WhatsApp, that's just for young people' and I wanted to say 'your grandchildren are young people, how will you keep up with them?' It's all about a 'growth' versus 'fixed' mindset. And you have the former in spades. Whether or not you have a certain degree (and BTW, I believe the future is going to see a shift away from the traditional university and accreditation standards and a move towards valuing people for their management, creative and problem-solving skills. The latter of which are slowly being eroded by generations of an instant-gratification, tech-heavy society set in a culture of valuing social media vs real life experiences and real human interactions... I digress). Half of your kid stories are about you learning what they are up to (I mean, quantum physics? Does anything make one's brain work harder than QP?). I admire your mindset, DnJ. Don't let absence of a few letters at the end of your name change a thing about YOU.
Hope you had a lovely evening with your mama. What a gift to have her in your life. What movie did you watch?
I have more to say and when I have time I'll write something more encompassing about what you wrote here and the questions I never answered on my thread. However, for now I just want to remind you. We spent almost 4 months not talking about the A at all. We spent 4 months basically dating. We were very cautious around each other. I didn't bare my soul. We didn't emotionally connect for a while. I think OverRainbow can speak on that too. I was scared if I let him in he'd just hurt me so we inched along to that point. The sweeping me in his arms didn't happen until after we were able to put things on the table. And his remorse is a constant under current. We almost work in reverse from the two of you. H constantly thinks every time I'm stressed, sad, upset, pretty much every negative emotion it's because of him. Honestly that gets annoying for me. I don't want to have to constantly reassure him there are other things in this world that can affect me negatively. I've more than proved I'm in this long haul.
I say all this so you understand. None of this is linear. And this side of the journey isn't going to be the same for every one. This is all one step at a time. I was in a mess for about 4 months. 8 months later I can finally say we're entering M 2.0. When I think about my exH and what I did there. It probably took us 2 years to get back to some version of normal. Where he felt secure and I wasn't thinking 24/7 I made a mistake not walking away for good when I had the chance. But he never changed. He was always going to do what he was going to do. So I did leave for good a year after that. When our new normal was exactly the same as our old one. Honestly, your H had you guys in a mess for 2 years. It's going to take you at least that much time to get back to where you were, pre-A. It'll probably take another year to really feel like your in M 2.0. You have a very long road ahead of you. I know you're good for it if you continue to choose it. But you can't use books or us as a place to put your milestones in piecing. You'll have to set those yourself. And you know them when you see them. The same goes if/when you start to see the signs pointing to an exit. You have to trust your gut now. Not your head or your heart. Trust your gut for this.
Wooba, you are killing it. It is so inspirational to read your progression. I am just a bit behind you, but identify so much with what you are experiencing.
I particularly identify with this sentiment:
Originally Posted by wooba
Going to work gave me another perspective- I think about how exh never prioritized spending time with the kids. Eating dinner together, helping them with hw, nothing. When I feel now everyday after work is, I donít get enough time with them! I make it a point to eat dinner and breakfast with them. And I truly am thankful that I was able to spend so much time with the kids when they were still babies. SAHM was a tough job, but it was also such a privilege.
Although H and I worked together in our business, I was the de facto 'primary parent' and was able to prioritize the kids over work when needed. Parenting was WAY more work than working. But I would never have traded away those moments for anything.
Luxuries should be afforded for by the people who desire to live in luxury. Things that are simply given are not respected. Let your daughters know that they can pay for their own stuff, that's how this world works. I would not be financing everyone's crap while you sit and do the hard work.
Throwing away rent money is bad enough already, doing it for "luxury" is ultimate poser.
IDK, but this entire interaction you have with her seems a lot like game playing to me. You want so badly to say something that's going to be real impressive and get her to thinking in favor of the MR. If it's so painfully obvious to me, I cringe to think how it looks to her.
I just sat there and looked at her in the most like are you serious look I could muster and said ďhoney Iím not a side husband. You can be single or you can be with me fixing this, itís not both.Ē She just said ďwell Iím not even going out of doing anything just be patient let me see if this is what I wantĒ I laughed and said well, itís not like I barely know you and Iím asking for a commitment. We have kids and we are about to get divorced. Itís in or out, I honestly do love you but I certainly donít need this. She looked really surprised. She said ďjust let it happen naturallyĒ legit her mom and sister heard it and called her a dumbass in her language.
Tell me what part of having no relationship talk do you not understand? Seriously! FWIW, you didn't come off as cool, impressive, or anything but the same old Steve who would take her back in a flat half second. What part of this little talk did you tell her something you haven't already told her, or that she didn't already know? Next time, leave off where you give her the look.
She bought me dinner i played cards with her mom and her and then I left. I felt like.. nothing. Like i felt bad for her in a way that her games arenít working on me. I only shrugged when she reached for a hug. She then got mad. I asked her to take the kids early so I could go out with friends. She said ďdonít get drunk and come over here, or text me ultimatums, you know I donít like thatĒ I laughed in her face and just got in my truck. She actually thought I would try it lmao.
It's all game playing!!! You love playing the games, especially when you think you are getting one up on her. You are way too obvious, Steve.
Turns out one has been wanting me a long time, she is tall and beautiful, and her BF dumped her that night. She was all over me. I brought her back to my place and I sat her down and just listened to her vent. I had /have no intention of being with anyone.
And now, you are playing games with us.
And my WW goes on a date with a dude. Tonight. I hear it because my friends seen her. And you know what I said? LOL... she almost had me. I knew she was full of it.
You mean she almost had you back at MIL's place when the two of you were into all the games? She's better at it, than you are, and she always will be.
Hi Sandi! Apologies if I give the impression of hiding that, I never intended to. It happened as we were 20, she got really drunk and then spent moths trying to apologize but as I said I was not ready to listen. I thought it was a totally different thing because now we were 29 and had two kids and a family life that has nothing to do with the situation back when we were dating. Maybe is the way I perceive it, I am just trying to explain why I did not give it so much importance.
Okay Pack. I'm trying to understand. I still don't understand what you mean by being "together" for 10 years (five of those have been a MR), and your son was born a year before the M. So, you weren't in a committed relationship with her, until she got pregnant? It was nothing more than just dating? Had either of you expressed being in love (before she got drunk and was with OM)? B/c if there were no words of love exchanged and no "understanding" that it was an exclusive dating relationship, would she not have been free to see other guys? If it was nothing more than going out on dates like single people do..........I don't think it could be seen as her cheating. But regardless of what to call it, her actions that night were highly inappropriate, even if she was in no type of R or showed up at the party without a date! This one act showed how little she respected herself, and it showed how little she respect the guy who took her to the party (Pack). Obviously, you took her actions as cheating at the time. At the least, you thought you deserved someone better than this gal. She either saw it as cheating, also, or else she knew she had messed up big time..... enough to continue apologizing and trying to make up. Funny how you were able to let it go and put it in the past, but she felt bitter at you b/c she thought you were trying to pay her back.
I only have your side of the story, but I'll tell you how this sitch looks to me. I think you are the type of man who likes setting goals and working on yourself to be at the top of your game. I see your W as being self-centered and somewhat immature. She thinks she should have your undivided attention, which is impossible if you are going to provide for your family. Instead of taking responsibility for her failures, she blames everything on you. Therefore, she doesn't grow and develop into a better individual. She likes being a party girl, and maybe that's her little hidden secret.......that she has a bit of wild side that wants to come out. IDK, but rather than take responsibility and do something about her drinking, it's easier for her to blame someone else. A lot can be determined by a person when you look at the friends they hang out with, whether drunk or sober.
The tragedy in all of this (besides how it effects the kids) is that you have totally believed everything she said about you. She filled your head with so much negative talk about your failures as a H, and you bought into the lies. Recently, you have been able to see some personal growth and your posts are sounding better........and I think part of it is due to having NC with the person who is toxin. I notice you've said you are working on NC, so that makes me think you still struggle with it. Nobody said it would be easy, but once you realize you need some of the attitude of that 20 yr old guy, who saw himself deserving better than someone like her......won't you be able to let her go? That's your problem in a nutshell. You won't let her go. Instead of seeing her objectively, you see it as your personal failure. That is what I've read between the lines from day one. Based on how you like to be the best you can at whatever you do, it's very difficult for you to accept this type of "failure". I know all your arguments about kids, responsibilities, family, etc. I agree whenever there is a family, it's more serious and there are more responsibilities, than when you were younger and single. Most of your DBing was done with the idea if you worked hard enough and became good enough .......you could save the MR. I think you might agree it didn't work. As long as there is two people in relationship, there's always a chance that one of them will not cooperate, no matter how much you change for the better. Therefore, I think you have to look at the root cause for these problems. The root issue started before the marriage took place. Your W did not respect you before the M, and she doesn't respect you now. I don't really see that changing, b/c I think it is a problem in her. It's b/c of who & what she is as a person, and it would require work she wouldn't be willing to do.
You can't improve yourself as her H, b/c she's not going to let you be her H. However, you will always be a man, and a father. I think you are finally seeing this is true, and you are realizing you've got to build a life without her. Although it's still painful, you are getting stronger. In the beginning, you were probably told you can't fix her. I think you are closer to believing it today than when you first joined the board.
Your tone sounds better than it did in your previous postings. I just a have a few things to add to what the fellas have been telling you.
1st - they often say around here don't believe what a WAS/WS says, when that's said they mean if they are making you promises or telling you they are confused. That they love you, blah, blah, blah. All the things they say to keep the LBS at arms length for as long as possible. But what newbies need to understand is another clichť, especially with a WAW/WW like yours who's calm and collected the majority of the time. "Believe people when they tell you who they are." Your baby mama is telling you exactly who she is over and over again and you just aren't listening to it or believing it. Believe it. She doesn't want you or a relationship with you. She moved out, and she moved out fast. most WAS's dawdle because it's harder for them to change their minds when they are out the door. That being said, if she's telling you you have no chance with her trust and believe that. However, That doesn't mean she'll mean that until the day she dies. It doesn't mean she'll even believe that in a year. But she believes it now and you better believe it now too, and act accordingly. Nothing makes some one more attractive to an ex than moving the h3ll on. You're hurting. You're still very much in love. So my dear, fake it until you make it. She is done with you right now. And you need to let her know the door isn't wide open for her to return.
Next her mother is sick. She will likely have to rely on you more than you'd normally be comfortable with while trying to detach and learn to let go. Others may advise against this but my dumpster fire of an exH stepped up when my mom was very sick. And while she wasn't across the country she was across the state. It was a really trying 4 years. The last year I needed a lot of help to keep my house running while I was away taking care of my mom. I didn't want to get back together with him, but he showed his daughter he's capable of compassion. And he showed me that he isn't trash 24/7/365. He worked well with my current H to make sure our kid was where she needed to be when she needed to be. It didn't exactly make up for all he put me through, but I can say a lot of the stuff I had been holding on to was a lot easier to let go of. If your ex needs help because of her mom help her. If you need to let the baby go to the east coast for a month don't fight over it. If you need to keep the baby for month figure it out. Do everything you can to make this part easy for her. Regardless of how awful she's been or may be in the future. This is really, really hard stuff. Also Mr. Nice Guy, be very careful that you aren't doing things during this time in her life because you feel like she'll owe you the same kindness in return. Or love in return. Or sex in return. Or literally any other kind of payoff. Do this because she's the mother of your child and your daughter's grandmother deserves to have her daughter by her side right now.
Lastly, get that custody and placement order in place ASAP. Your ex's mom is on the east coast and she's ill. And chemo and radiation aren't easy. They make a sick person sicker. Your ex is nurse. She is going to want to go home. There's a good chance she's going to want to move home and take that baby with her. The sooner you have things in writing the better. Get your court orders before this ends up hurting you more than you are already.
Feeling low today - i have had no contact with her and don't want any? so why am i feeling low about my sitch?
i have had a really good 2 weeks! happy and GAL with walking and talking to fellow walkers with dogs!
It is the lack of control. It would be a completely different feeling if you knew "If I say X and/or do Y, she will come running back to me!" But you are no contact only because that is what is best for you and your sitch, not because it is what you want. You will always struggle in life when you have to choose between worse or "worser".
But yes, the roller-coaster ride of emotion is real. The best way through it is to focus on what you can control: you. The LBSs we see struggle the most, sit and stew on their sitch the most. The LBSs we see thrive through their sitches are the ones that are out GAL, are out working on themselves. This is why we emphasize things like GAL. Always be busy. Do not sit and stew in your situation. We had a LBH here who was terrible GAL. Full of excuses. I don't have enough friends. I don't have enough money. I don't have the energy. He wanted to come home from work, and sit and talk to his brother and sister-in-law all night about his situation. And it took him MONTHS to move forward. Don't make the same mistake.