Just a shame I'm so old now (55). It seems too late to start over again, especially after this is going to take ages to get over.
You are not old. You are 1 year older than me. As far as a timeline for getting over the relationship, It is going to take exactly how long you believe it will. Change your beliefs. You can choose to get over it sooner, or you can choose to let it drag out as long as you want. Your choice. Hopefully we have a good 30-40 more years left. Each of us could die today. Make today count. Don't dwell on the regrets of the past or the fears of the future. Create and find your happiness everyday.
I don't know whether my STBXW is happy or not, whether she is trying hard to be happy, there has to be a reason she has made the choices she has, irrational or not. I miss the companionship, someone to share things with but I have to come to realise that if I had really examined my life and myself, I would have realised that we weren't right for each other.
You don't know, and you shouldn't care. Her happiness is her responsibility. If you still love her you certainly don't want her to be unhappy. But some of the best feedback I got in my situation was that my W, when she went into walk-away mode, was just trying to find and be happy. It really helped me understand that her actions were less about me than I thought, even if I was vastly affected by those actions.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
My instincts says no, she will never have regrets and/or want to R, but then I don't really know. I never thought she'd leave and move on with someone else either, so I got that wrong as well.
I don't really care to be honest, I just want her gone, not in a malicious way, I just don't want to be involved with her. Life is unpredictable and the one thing that seems to be guaranteed is change.
OB, your instincts have no idea of knowing. Likely she has already had regrets, but she will never let you know that! As you say, you were wrong about other things.
But I like your last paragraph best. Whether she is happy or not. Has regrets or not. You don't care! Because you are moving forward with your life, healthy and happy! Onward and upward. You've got this.
I quickly wanted to add something about having strict values because this has been a topic on your thread recently.
DnJ, you are a person with very beautiful and strict values, but I can't imagine that your EXW didn't have these too. If you have run a daycare and have always taken care of someone else's children, then you must have extremely beautiful values. You simply can't keep doing this for that long when you don't have these. This because it is one of the toughest jobs out there, both physically and mentally.
Her values simply disappeared with her MLC.
The reason I fell in love with my H in the first place was because of the strict, beautiful values he had. He has also completely lost them because of his MLC.
This following a message I sent him about one of the most important people in his 'old life'.
Someone with whom H was extremely close, both work-related and private, this is the same person who broke with H last year, because of his behavior towards me and the children. He simply couldn't handle it anymore.
This very good friend had a complete mental crash last week and was admitted to a clinic and I thought H should be aware.
H called me pretty quickly after that. Said he was blown away by the message and that he knows he is also on his way to encounter the same. That they are very similar and that he also needs someone educated to help him through this, the same way this friend currently has.
He literally said that he carries unresolved issues from the past, as well as the loss of the most important purpose in his life, his old job, and that he knows that this is the reason for his behavior in recent years.
I validated again.
He also asked for S2 and S3, our twins, how they were doing. (his only concern was S1 for a long time, had little interest in S2 and S3) He said he aknowledges now how fast they have grown and that he feels they are going on with their lives without them, and that they also succeed. Have said that this is obviously necessary for them and that they are doing well.
Again very calm reactions, but agitated when he speaks, it seems it can't go fast enough what he wants to say. When I say something back he always responds like "I know, I know myself now"
As I said, H is moving forward. Slow, but steady for now.
Two and a half hours of mowing grass. And knee high too. Oh my, the bugs that must have stirred up.
I bet it looks really good now.
yup a grasshopper slammed into my face trying to get away from the mower. Looks better.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Every single moment; the horrible, the exciting, the ho-hum; are all In Between times. These present moments tick by unnoticed. Slowly a new and unknown future becomes our past. We are always in-between. All we have assured is the present moment. The past is immutable. The future uncertain.
It takes faith to embrace that uncertainty. At times things can feel rather drawn out and it takes quite a bit of patience to let things unfold. Being still is not sitting still. Like you said, time is a gift. Time is A present.
To me the present becomes more in-between when one is waiting for the future or dwelling upon the past. Living in the future brings anxiety. Living in the past bring depression. One is in-between when one doesn�t live in the moment. Living in the present moment brings contentment.
Letting go, having faith, finding courage, all valid actions to living the gift of time.
It wasn't meant that way. I didn't do a good job articulating it - they meant in between - like the time between closing on selling one house and closing on buying the second. Or the time between getting divorced and starting a new relationship - the healing necessary in between.
hope that explains it better.
i love riding around on Dad's tractor, with the music blaring in my ears, singing at the top of my lungs and feeling close to my father.
For those who are actually interested in the science and facts about this Delta outbreak, I highly recommend the blog posts of Your Local Epidemiologist. She does a great job of breaking down the current news and facts on the virus.
The recalcitrance around mask wearing here as things ramp up with a 15 fold increase in new cases is maddening. The County guidelines say children are required to wear masks in school or childcare settings but the music school where my friend teaches is running an indoor camp this week with kids and no masks. My friend has decided to switch back to teaching lessons online for the time being since her (un-vaccinated) employer is not following the guidelines. She doesn't want to be the vehicle to spread the virus from one family to another.
CMM is struggling with the side effects of this new chemo - the nausea has been very bad and he's not been keeping much food down. I think he will have to ask his oncologist to lower the dose this week. When you all talk about the in-between times, that's a bit how I feel now. The right now is indefinite, but the end will definitely come - just that it could be next month or next year. So I stand in the nebulous present. I can't really plan too much for the future when I don't know how long my stay in this nebulous present will be, so I just float along in the todays.
Trying to see if this dating thing is really for me. I've met some nice people, but we are trying to find the least damaged people that we might have something in common with, other than divorce.
When we were dating in our twenties we just couldn't SEE the damage. Now that we are older and wiser we hopefully can be more discerning in our choices.
As for the ex's new guy - I admit, I sometimes feel guilty for not warning my ex's second wife (not an affair partner, thankfully) that he was a cheater. I'm sure she wouldn't have believed it coming from me. And maybe since he's 19 years older than her and he's aging more than expected in his 60's, he'll be less prone to cheat on her. Pretty sure she has no idea though.
I too felt pretty content and assured before my married went all explody as well.
It�s ok to miss your ex. I miss mine as well. Of course, I endeavour to be accurate and clear so to clarify.
It is W you miss, not XW. The person she was, or you thought she was if that is more along with what you think or believe (or want too). Personally, I go with she was that person you slept in late with and felt so comfortable around. She changed along the way, like all of us do with the passage of time. Unfortunately, her changes were likely driven by some unrealized hidden irrational forces which lead to irrational and immoral behaviours and actions.
Over two and a half decades. It�s a lot to accept and let go. And with the anniversary date a few weeks away, feelings are stirring. And by the way, those memories are not meant to go in the trash bin. Our ghosts can either haunt or help; the choice is up to each of us. Your�s are helpful in my humble opinion.
I empathize with your feelings of being stuck. I do not believe you are stuck, just pondering is all. A good thing in my view. Taking stock and ensuring one�s path is a pretty good reason for a pit stop.
During this internal shifting and organizing, you can still do something. Being still doesn�t mean not progressing. Removing that old wall paper and the smelly floor boards are excellent examples of useful projects. And in more than just the obvious fresh air. Letting one�s mind and heart be, ushers in fresh and renewing as well.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Waking up in that empty bed didn't create any sort of urging to find anyone to share it with though. Perhaps it's a function of just being so darned busy lately, related to the burning my trust and heart took with "S". Not that I had any heart-break at the end of that relationship - just that through it, those values that I have about respect, trust etc just got stomped into the mud. Along with the optimism that there could be "someone" out there for me.
Values can get stomped on, even by ourselves. It�s ok. Pick em out of the mud. Belief in respect, trust, honour, etc. doesn�t shatter from pressure. Strengthen that which serves you.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
In part I feel broken even though I know I'm not. Tired and bruised, yes.
Glad to see you recognize the feelings and the temporariness of such.
Life at times is hard and can hand out some bruises and scars. (Chicks dig scars I�m told. Lol) Dust off, rest, heal. Keep moving forward.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I have an hour or so of work to do today, the grass needs cutting and the dusting is hovering - but a break to do something "useless" is a good plan.
My grass needs cutting as well; around 5 hours of work. Probably an other 5 hours of spraying weeds is also required. Instead, I�m taking the day off and enjoying this holiday. I actually slept in til 8:00 am. Completely unheard of! Of course I was called out two nights ago and got home at midnight and got up at my internal alarm of 5:30 am. Then had an other call to attend to. So maybe my over ten hours of slumber was due.
I think I�ll go brush the dogs for a bit. I like your idea of �useless�.
Ah, the fresh air - body and soul. Breath deep my friend.
Do you know the roller coaster analogy? She's riding a roller coaster with a lot of highs and lows. If you tie yourself to her feelings then you ride it as well. When she's at the peak then you think things are improving and you get your hopes up. Then down her coaster goes crashing back to the reality that she's done and there's no hope and you with it. Your job is to stay off the coaster. You're on solid ground off to the side watching her go up and down and all around. A lot of her feelings, whether good or bad, are temporary. She might dangle the carrot of reconciliation one day and then reel it right back in the next. You want to avoid pinning your own feelings on her swings.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
A lot of 2x4's get doled out on these forums, sometimes it's easy to forget that most of the people here are hurting and trying to work their way through this very difficult time, and need hope as much as or more than correction. And there is every reason to hope, people who have mastered DBing went on to better things whether they reconciled or not. No matter how much you are hurting now I completely and fully believe a year or two from now you will be a BETTER, HAPPIER person! It WILL happen, I can't guarantee you will reconcile but I can guarantee you will be in a much better place!
I always want to throw everything away when I move - it makes me realize how much STUFF we accumulate that really isn't necessary.
As for divorce - you did NOT fail. Neither did I. Perhaps our only failing was failing to recognize, in our 20's, that we were about to marry someone on the dark triad.
It's ok to take time to yourself to heal - up until now, so much of your energy has gone into protecting your kids from the negative effects of their father. Take some "me" time. Relax. There will be time enough to build up a new social circle once the pandemic eases up (which is NOT now, btw). In the meantime, make your space your own, do some more decluttering if you think you have too much stuff, exercise and pay attention to your health, take up a fun new craft or hobby. Watch funny movies.
I received word back from the Administrator this morning...they are working on the glitches and have apologized for the inconvenience. No time line as to when the issues will be resolved...so, please be patient. As Cadet has pointed out...my pay grade is the same as the users as well. Cadet and I will keep you informed as we move along in the week.
i believe part of embracing that new life is thoroughly grieving the old, when those moments come. Otherwise, imho, one isn't fully embracing a new life so much as using aspects of it to hide from the very real feelings divorce brings.
You're right, these feelings ebb and flow, like a wave and happily the waves get smaller and farther apart.
Who did you send your message to? Michele and Virginia or to Cadet and myself (moderators)? If you sent it to Cadet and/or me, I, personally have not received your message, which means that portion of the update has not been fixed either.
I do want to point out, the moderators cannot fix platform issues. We can send a message to the Administrator with the issue...but they do not work on the weekends. Cadet and I are volunteers and we pop in periodically throughout the week, as well as weekends. Cadet and I are aware of the issue with the weird characters and it will be addressed with an Administrator via email on Monday.
For those reading, if you have issues with the format, please post them on the thread that was created to advise all of you of the update. The thread is on this forum, as well as Newcomers and Divorce.
The way to search for others is to either type in DB and see what pops up and generally, you will see the member name and DB typed behind the name or type the member name in and add DB behind it. However, not all of us use this method. You just have to "search" around. Just food for thought if you get frustrated with the update.
Don, time for a new thread and please link your threads together. Thanks!
I'm not too excited about the public drop-off. My kids are young so it means two car seat exchanges and seems less convenient and "colder" for them to have to go to a public parking lot. As their father I should be the one taking the hit on my feelings to protect them.
Sounds like a bunch of excuses. The kids will be fine with public place exchanges. It happens all of the time. Personally, I would NEVER have agreed to go to her place with the OM there. It would have been one of my non-negotiables. But to each their own.
I have to be honest, GAl with kids is great, we generally do loads together. Friday we went for a walk with alpacas and a picnic, saturday went to the cinema, sunday went to a working farm to feed the animals. The 2 days that the kids are with H i work long days, occasionally ill meet a friend, go for a walk, exercise or spend time listening to a lecture. Being a single parent is full on, i also work pretty much full time and do additional hours as much as i can whilst im getting paid for it. Im not really sure what else i can fit in and when.
Ok, sounds like you are doing fairly well. As long as you are being honest with yourself here. Are you in IC?
Originally Posted by Gigi123
I guess im not struggling without H, in frustrated with the fact that he is not communicating to try and resolve this, and i dont understand why, as he clearly has moved on. If it was me, i would absolutely be there talking and organising things, getting rid of joint accounts, changing names and bills etc. I have asked him so many times to move the car lease in my name as i drove the car but it has been 5 months and he hasnt done it. I offered him mediation to see if that would help progress, but he refused. These are my frustrations, i guess i recognise that im moving to a place like many lbs where i will be the ones filing, else nothing will happen.
Logic doesn't work with WASs. They are not logical, they are going on emotions and feelings. All of the logistics you mention are counter to emotions and feelings. They remind him of what was. They are seen as drudgery and details he doesn't want to deal with. So many LBSs with walkaways that have left and moved on struggle with the loose ends. Most end up having to tie them up themselves.
1. You cannot control his actions. Unfortunately, it impacts the kids. Many here that have been through a D with kids have put their kids into IC. So yes, I would suggest looking into that.
2. Do not allow him to be disrespectful. "You spend a lot of money on groceries." "I will not tolerate being spoken to in this manner." Then end the phonecall, text exchange, or walk away (if in person). He needs to see that you are standing up for yourself.
Regarding Ready to Change�s comment on validating our kid�s feelings even when it�s about us, this takes tremendous strength. I am far from perfect in this area.
Recently my older son expressed some deep rooted pain over our divorce. I made the very grave mistake of defending myself. I made it about ME and tried to one up my ex/blame him. My son verbally slapped me and told me he just needed me to validate him (HIS words!!!) and told me this was about him and his feelings.
I am thankful that he is strong enough to communicate his needs. I had to do a BIG mea culpa for making it about me. After doing a deep dive into my emotions I realize I did it because of my pain in seeing him in pain. And my tremendous anger at my ex for having a MLC, marrying his affair partner in secret within MONTHS (telling my kids not to tell me) and then divorcing his affair partner in 5 months and keeping that a secret from me. The two are separate issues.
Kudos to your d for expressing her pain. That takes courage. Your r with your d will improve if you can just validate her pain. See a therapist, talk to friends or gripe here about your own grievances.
I feel you on the concern that the other guy is a little too into you too soon - it can make you feel like "hey, they don't even know me yet, so this is about their fantasy of who I am". But to be fair, you ARE a catch, it's not unusual that a guy would recognize that. Make sure you aren't just repeating a pattern of gravitating to unavailable, avoidant guys.
As for your ex - I had somehow forgotten about his fake claims of cancer treatment. How you manage to keep a civil relationship with him after that is beyond me.
I know this was a pandemic-influenced situation. But in the future - please, no introducing dates to your daughter until you are sure it is going to be a serious thing - 6 months MINIMUM - and definitely no living together until you are in a relationship that is long-term committed (and have been together AT LEAST a year). Your daughter does not need to go through getting attached and then abandoned by your dates. And it takes that long, at a bare minimum, to get to know a person well enough to involve your child.
There's great growth in the struggle through this, but you need to "get mean" with it and figure out for yourself how this seemingly horrible experience can actually make you a stronger, better person. That said though...it's a balancing act....don't get yourself stuck on dwelling. You must make the decision internally for yourself to move forward and not let this define your life and the person you are. When you are pushed, you must learn to stand up and keep going. I posted this elsewhere, but sharing here..."you can't be saved by what it was, you can only be saved by what it is"