So I brought up the finances to him - despite him taking over the bills this past year, he is clueless. He told me even if I keep the house, I was in a good spot financially. Ha! I'm left with $120 every two weeks to pay for incidentals and gas. He's calmly talking about all this as if I asked him what the weather was going to be like tomorrow meanwhile my soul and heart are crumbling. He is costing his kids their home - their playroom, backyard, bedrooms etc. and is not willing to even try. There is no major event that brought this BD, it was a slow erosion that can be fixed.
I was calm and non-emotional, only needing to stop him one time when we were talking about filing for divorce and how he doesn't see the need to unless one of us plans on re-marrying (which he said he doesn't). I asked him to stop as it's still a bit too fresh of a wound to think of.
I want to scream and cry and break down. I want to go into hiding and never come out.
Been a few days since I have replied. Been taking caring of myself and busy with work. We have played games every Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday for the month of January and one more week to go.
She spent Friday night in Atlanta and was supposed to take her mom to see Oprah. She went by herself instead because her mom got sick. She left Friday immediately after work and our son stayed home alone until I got him around midnight. I did not approve and wish she would have dropped him off at my ballgame on her way out.
Tonight she proceeds to tell me that the apartment she was going to rent is unavailable. I told her she would figure something out. She stated she wants her freedom etc... She claimed her mom called her many times this weekend to make sure she was ok in Atlanta. She was upset at her mom for treating her like a kid. Iíve got to move on and let her go. It is difficult to do but I am afraid that if I wait for her to leave or file then she will eventually just parade her relationship right in front of my face. She has spent every weekend except one this month going out or being away from home. As for me Iíve started my own checking account and have already moved bills that are in my name to come out of that account. Iíve got to remove my phone from her account and then decide on how I want my divorce to be settled. The longer I wait it seems the more aggressive she gets on splitting things and wanting me to pay for half of her credit card debt. She was back to mentioning me moving out again tonight. I told her that wouldnít be happening. She thinks that because my family has apartments that I could just move in one of them. I donít think she will ever move out.
Brook is probably still getting this dating thing figured out.
With his uncle and everything he had to drop to attend to him, he has lots in his plate. And being single he has plenty to keep his house in order. I suspect he as some custody of his daughter, so groceries, cleaning, etc... may have been pushed off for the family emergency.
And until recently he was living a full single life. I suspect not just sitting around waiting for a great gal to drop in to it. You two have had some marathon text sessions and lots of other chats. I am sure he enjoyed every minute of those. However, heís got to reorganize his life a bit to ensure he has the time to invest and spend with you. He most likely has fallen behind on some things.
Also, he is tired. Now, if I were to be going on a date with you, especially first date, I would want to bring my best self. Not a tired, need to get ready for the next week guy. First impressing and all. He does want a second date Iím guessing.
You do have a tendency to push all in; a trait I rather like about you. Just dial down the expectations a bit, or youíll drive yourself crazy. Youíve got lots of time, and no need to rush things.
No it is not about D15. He wants more time to see how green the grass is without having to give up his ďfamilyĒ life . If you agree to this he just got another 6 months of doing exactly what heís been doing with you saying ok to it . I like how they throw in we both will be living single - trying to get you to participate.
You do not want to be in her head. Right now, her brain is a jumbled mess, i.e., like swiss cheese. She's on an emotional journey and believe it or not, she has the memory of a gnat and what she thinks at this time will change in five minutes. She honestly doesn't know what will make her happy. She will try many things...but the bottom line is that happiness comes from within and not from just exterior things or persons.
Sure she thinks about you...but most of that thinking takes place at night, when all is quiet and there are not distractions to keep her from thinking about you. She has a lot of guilt and shame for what she's doing, but she has to complete this journey in order to face her childhood demons and accept the things that she wasn't responsible for at that early age. She will need to grow up and that will take quite some time. The crisis didn't happen over night, it took a very long time to come to the surface and it will take some time before she wakes up.
At this time, no one knows if and when she will wake up. You will be the last person that she will reconnect with. All of the disconnections that are taking place now, will be in reverse when she begins to wake up. For now, focus on today and leave the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
There is no right or wrong way when dealing w/someone in crisis. People in crisis that stay at home tend to drive their spouses to the point of being batty. Some think it is better for the MLCer to remain in the home...but I think it's better to let them go and face the world, make their mistakes and hopefully grown up and better more mature individuals.
Don't even think about the what ifs...just focus on today.
Hs upcoming dep destination is unknown, but I trust my gut on this, that its out of the country. Eventually he needs to return for work stuff, but in a different state. More on that in a few weeks.
Pardon me if I'm repeating myself at anytime. Lack of sleep. Yesterday, as I was making arrangements for D3s care, I decided it was time to speak my truth. So 2 people I trust know my sitch. I didnt bring up the ow. It literally makes me sick thinking about it.
H made pancakes this morning. Last night "playful dad" read D3 lots if stories. Insert eye rolls here ".." Painting that perfect dad picture. Ugh...
I'm waiting to hook up with lawyer again. I was up early getting my information together, and feel pretty good about what I've got...things that where requested.
H has nothing in our mbdrm. Has just the office to go through.
Waiting game. This is very unreal. I've yet to tell my family. Baby steps.
IRT house cleaning say "Thanks, the place looks great".
IRT decorating "You have nice taste " or "Beautiful" with a smild.
Big picture you need to move into your house full time. It sounds pathetic to even write it like that, but dude....she cheats and you move out? WTF? She has been and is cheating, make the truth your shield, don't run from it. You need some strong Male support.
Quit reminding her of the appointment and quit going. She doesn't want to work on the marriage, don't you see that?
Your story is like so many here. You need to start reading other's situations and learning quickly.
I till have here last name which sometimes feels really weird. I wanted to switch, but now...
What does this mean?
Don't worry about telling the kids anything together. Be a strong father and tell them mom and dad are having a tough time if they ask.
If her cheating is a deal breaker then file for divorce, I assume it's not since you haven't filed. I can tell you aren't ready to file. Start to heal, learn, grow.
You're breaking all the rules, ignoring the parts of your reality that don't suit you, and falling under the illusion of action.
It doesn't appear she is being truthful or open with you.
You're in no more of a pickle today than a week ago.
You felt like a R talk is necessary? You ever see a hot chick when you're out and about and you feel like having sex with them? "I feel like" doesn't mean "I should".
I've made these same mistakes as you, it's all documented here. I understand the pain, just remember that pain is a feeling, you control your feelings, and you are whatever you choose to be. Mind over matter.
I'm not a fan of the text me mindset. I understand lots of divorced folks want a written record but you can't talk to her in person? It's ok if you can't, but why would you sit next to her then? You apparently know that she likes to make a scene so why join in on it?
A 12 year old and 9 year can watch themselves easily, and you guys should try to help each other in regards to the kids. I can see how you are both a bit agitated and prone to fighting though so maybe you can stop contributing to that, for your own sake.
Save the Facebook drama for someone else's mama.
I hope you heal and learn from this breakup so you don't repeat bad patterns.
There was a poster name DnJ Who shared his life with much display Reflections from within each car Compiled into a voluminous memoir Titled I was hurt and now am okay
DV - I did get inside, eventually. Total snow shovelling time was around 4 hours. And after all that it actually rained a bit. Goofy weather.
Grace - Thanks for dropping by; and for the much appreciated words.
Something to look forward too. Itís funny that active isnít even on my top ten. Not even on the radar.
Yes I do have a list of important items; things that are important to me, and I will carve out time for. Stuff like sitting down with D17 for super at least once a week. Teenagers are busy and can eat over the sink and then be off. I told her, she is important to me and I would like us to sit down once a week and have supper together. It worked, mostly.
I suspect the universe will place someone in my path when itís supposed to happen. Pretty sure my list will get re-ordered then.
Even though this has been since May, heís only been home since August and hasnít been out much. Iím lucky in that aspect that he hasnít behaved that way, so when he does, I need to remind myself what Iím dealing with.
I've been doing a lot better lately avoiding overthinking things. But I still do it from time to time.
I went on a 4h hike yesterday. I find exercising in nature is a great exercise in being present and turning down my brain volume. But I did spend some time going over things. I limited the time, then switched back to enjoying the hike.
I think what I've been looking for is an understanding of why (in my mind) we didn't try harder to work on things. I can accept the lack of closure as to why things fell apart. I have a decent understanding why, but there are unknowable things. I'm coming to peace with that.
We spent a total of 9 months in MC in the last 18 months. It just... didn't work. Not once did I feel my W was leaning in and wanting to work on things. I know that sounds blaming, and that's not what I mean. I feel like even in MC1, she was not really at a point in our MR where she was really ready for MC, ready to work together. I think she wanted me to fix my issues first.
Periodically in MC1 she would say she wanted to hear about my feelings, but I never felt validated or understood. I recall a couple times I said how I felt, then she was told by the MC to repeat back what she heard. And my W would repeat back HER interpretation which was not correct. I would say something like, "I feel like we haven't supported each other well during our move and I'd like to spend more time together" and she would say something like, "He feels like I'm not giving him enough."
On another instance, she told me, "I know how important it is for you to feel heard." Yes, it is important for me to feel heard. It is important for *everybody* to feel heard.
Truth be told, I was making some personal improvements during this time but not the deeper changes I've made more recently. I worked on my listening skills a ton, but did not have a good handle on my anxiety. So while all this was going on, I of course could have handled it better. The man I am today would have handled it differently.
Well... I'm off today to go have some fun with the kids for a special thing I planned!
You did fine with the shed and conversing with W. A nice 180 by the way. Looks good on you.
Trying to understand where someone is emotionally is an excellent way to interact with people. To understand their desires and connect beyond words.
There is a problem in trying to understand Wís emotions - she canít understand herself so how can you. However it is deeper than that. It is that ďsucking vortexĒ you spoke of. You need to get a handle on your emotions before attempting to get a handle on Wís.
This only applies to W. Iím sure you can interact with others relatively easy. I look at your well thought out posts and see evidence of such.
The problem is W can still manipulate you, and push your buttons. A step towards healing is to take back your power. To control you. I know from experience that at first we donít know how to do that. It takes time to find your strength again, to find compassion. The phrase ďIím sorry you feel that wayĒ is compassionate and validating. It is so you do not get dragged into a blaming manipulative back and forth with her. NGS is going to take some time to let go of.
I am big proponent of compassion and hope. Your healing is first and foremost. Find and follow your beliefs. That way no matter what happens regarding W, M, R, D you followed what is most important to you. That is key. No external force will grant you peace; you find it internally.
Peace exists within your beliefs, convictions, and values. Do the inner work. Discover what you believe in. Strengthen those beliefs you want, alter and discard those you donít. Makes these changes permanent and for you. Be the best version of you.
All the advice, everything you do, is for your healing. You are the most important person in this equation. There are some things and advice that will sound and feel counterintuitive. Perfectly normal. It will be counterintuitive right until itís not. It takes time to find our understanding and solid footing again.
Your healing and journey, in a kind and compassionate manner, is for you and as a bonus gives you the best chance at a new R.
You have a son that is ten. There are many more joint events that will be upcoming. This is not the final interaction with her.
Take your focus off her and place it upon yourself. Find DS, the kind and compassion DS.
W doesnít need you rescuing her (her wants are a different story). She needs you being compassionately indifferent. And so do you.
I deliberately avoided writing here because the date didnīt happen the day it was supposed to. Now I was very suspicious but how could she be a catfish. I have her on Instagram and can see her posts and stories. So I told her flat out - "I hope you really exist". She wrote back that she really wants to meet on Saturday.
So yesterday we finally met. LH is right, there was no way of saying if this can be something in the future based on one date. Thereīs something about her that interests me but I canīt say what. Something in her eyes.
But she doesnīt behave like the average girl either. After the date I sent her a message om Instagram with my phone number(so far we have only been messaging on insta) and said it was fun seeing her. She only liked my message and shortly after wrote what she had for dinner. She didnīt give me her phone number. I just assumed she wasnīt interested and didnīt answer her message. So this morning sent me a picture of a cute pug and asked how my evening was after she left. Weīve messaged a bit back and forth so not sure what to make of it. I think Iīd have to go on a few more dates before I know if there could be something between us.
But I also feel this is too early. A perfect time line would have been if I was single for about a year before I met someone. But canīt really plan those things of course