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Surviving the Big D Jump to new posts
Re: Wolfman moving forward 4 Ginger1 4 hours ago
So you are saying you want someone to tell you exactly what to do? That’s definitely not a therapists job. Their job is to guide you into self reflection to figure out why you what you do and how to figure out for yourself how to make better choices.

It seems as if you and your baby momma don’t communicate at all. You view a relationship ship to be a “traditional “ role, which is honestly kind of antiquated ( but each his own) and you have no clue if she view it that way herself.

It seems as if you guys never communicate and just assume. You are in a serious relationship now with a baby. Yet you don’t talk to eachother and communicate. Ot seems as if you only communicate so she can hear you being right.

Use your counseling time to talk to eachother about relationships goals and values and how you can compromise
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Midlife Crisis Jump to new posts
Re: Over 2 years and still so much pain,,, bttrfly Yesterday at 10:34 PM
{Adios} not an easy place to be, and please don't beat yourself up if the inference sometimes gets dented and the hurt comes creeping in a bit. it's all part of the process..
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Surviving the Big D Jump to new posts
Re: She let herself go…. Dawn70 Yesterday at 05:21 PM
Where does the time go? Tomorrow is the end of September. Fall is just around the corner (well, technically already here on the calendar but this is the south so our fall temps don’t kick in til late October).

Work is still work. Trying to navigate learning new people and how they handle things and finding how I fit in the puzzle. It’s all a game.

Sparky works his first overnight shift tomorrow night so that will be interesting. His birthday was Tuesday and it was super low key. I plan to surprise him next week with tickets to a special event that he’s going to be absolutely Gaga over. I also just saw yesterday that an artist we both like will be in our area on Dec 31….our anniversary… I’m thinking Christmas/anniversary present. It’s nice that I’m earning full-time money again and he’s working again so we can actually afford the fun stuff.
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For Newcomers Jump to new posts
Re: Living with a WAW DW17 Yesterday at 03:18 PM
Originally Posted by "Kind18
Any chance your next five posts could be exclusively about you? Your GAL activities. Your dreams/hopes/aspirations/ultimate holiday - and what you're going to do to make sure it happens! How about some physical health goals ... by xxx date i'm going to lose yyy pounds.

I've been setting some health goals for most of this year, but my current one is to finish up the Insanity workout series I've been doing (A little over a month left) and to lose 10 more pounds by the end of October. After that, I’d like to either join a Cross Fit gym or get into running a lot more.

My dreams/hopes/aspirations are difficult at the moment. Trying to figure everything out for D18 to go to college next year with the uncertainty with my M has been stressful but I’ve just been plugging away as if things will work themselves out. So I hope that D18 gets into a college that she likes. I hope that separating finances with W allows me the freedom to buy what I want, save money as I see fit and do things that I previously declined to do while trying to make the best financial decisions for my family. I’d like to go to some concerts. I’d like to spend a lot more time with people that I disconnected myself from throughout my M (I have reached out to several and have some things in the works). I aspire to be the best father I can be and help guide my youngest through her development in a much better way than I did for the older two. I hope to be the rock of support, especially emotionally, that S19 and D18 did not get from me for a large part of their lives.

I’ve always dreamed of traveling to a bunch of places, but I guess I convinced myself along the way that it would never happen. I tried for 3 years to become 100% debt free aside from my mortgage to be able to save money for college/travel/etc. W has always been unwilling to sacrifice for that dream and when she couldn’t even sacrifice this year to even make sure D18 had a path toward her future, I think I knew my dream of traveling would never happen. The whole reason I traveled for work earlier this year was to set us up financially to help D18 with college. But that plan went to hell, the money I saved went up in smoke when BD happened and I’m forging a new path ahead. But yeah, sorry for the sidetrack, but I do dream of traveling.
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Re: Action Rockon 09/28/22 09:34 PM
Continuing to have a blast. Went out in a new city last couple days, hung out with good friends, met lots of fun people enjoyed culture, good food, lots of walks and swimming and didn’t tell W about any of it.

Heading home now. Will be getting work done of the house. Continuing with therapy, solid friends and kids and fun.

Working through anxiety and pain. Having clarity and conviction.

Not reaching out to W
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For Newcomers Jump to new posts
Re: WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont12.) LH19 09/28/22 07:07 PM
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm coming up on two years since my ex moved out. I'm definitely not sad anymore.
That's great! Just know that doesn't mean the sadness is gone forever.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I still harbor some anger and resentment and disgust and confusion around all of it.
Yeah this may stay with you forever.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I'm dating a woman who was divorced last year June who is just incredible. Who knows where it leads and I don't have any expectations but it feels incredibly good to be in a relationship with a smart, strong, sexy, woman who supports me.

It's a great feeling to be wanted, valued and respected isn't it?
Originally Posted by ScottB
Today she sent me a note prior to a meeting that said "You are going to crush this meeting. Just be you. People love you."
It's a beautiful thing isn't it?
Originally Posted by ScottB
I've never gotten a text like that in my life.
Nah. You have from your EXW but it's probably been so long you don't remember.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I've been thinking lately about the unconditionality of marriage. It feels like the person who really believes marriage is for life can really be taken advantage of with little to no recourse based on their values.
Scotty B my best guess is that the fact you thought your marriage was unconditional probably is part of what got you here.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I love the idea of marriage for life and of commitment through thick and thin; but I see people get abused and it makes me wonder if maybe the right way through is actually to stand up and demand respect for ourselves.
Do you think it's possible your exw might be thinking the same exact thing?
Originally Posted by ScottB
At some point I think we might consider a different way forward.
100%. The institution of marriage is antiquated and is not made for the 21st century.
Originally Posted by ScottB
I love, admire, and respect those that work so hard (like I did) to save their marriages and I wish I could pull them aside, look them in the eye and let them know, whatever happens You're going to be Okay. And probably better than Okay.
Why don't you stop by more often and tell the newbies yourself?
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Surviving the Big D Jump to new posts
Re: Wolfman moving forward 3 LH19 09/28/22 03:16 PM
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Midlife Crisis Jump to new posts
Re: Journey of me and H part 3 PLC 09/28/22 04:15 AM
Hi Eagle,

Funny you ask about my job. My boss and I had the discussion yesterday regarding my work. I have a job as long as I want one. So that is nice to know that it is my decision. For the most part, I really enjoy my job and I am so close to home, I go home for lunch. So I might change jobs based on my needs, not because of someone (you are right, how can she look at herself) ruins a business. Thankfully, he has put a stop to her liquidation of the funds, which has caused incessant texts from her about how he has wronged her, and how dare he stop her from taking money. (It can be a lot during the day). I feel for him, even though he dropped the bomb on her.

My H and I are ok. Anxiety is fleeting. He is not rude by any means to me. Not verbally. He will leave without saying goodbye, but I am used to it and 9 times out of 10 he usually has just stepped out to get dinner, He is usually home daily by 6 and he takes a shower and goes to bed. He leaves before 4 am so i am alone most of the evening. Weekends, he works and I do my own thing with friends or family. I talk my therapists ear off a lot of why and what I am doing, and it is all part of an exit plan. I just have to be day to day, or it becomes very overwhelming.

Thanks for checking in,

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Midlife Crisis Jump to new posts
Re: HELP! Late withdrawal help clarification Eagle3 09/27/22 01:52 PM
Hi Samoy,

Just wanted to let you know that it might be interesting for you to read my story. There you can clearly see that my ex-H made progress very regularly and you could sometimes even distinguish the different stages he went through, but eventually to return completely to the former stages again, something that is also made clear here by the people who have a lot of knowledge of MLC, namely that the stages are not linear at all, so the bottom line is that you can never know in which phase of the process your H is.

For me the message was 'letting go completely' and living a life of my own, this apart from him. This has not only brought me happiness again, but also put a complete stop on the constant eager to analyze him.

The first 3 years I sincerely thought that we would definitely reconcile but the last 6 months I don't need a reconciliation anymore.

It is however ultimately his process and he and he alone can make sure he can fully get through it, which I sincerely hope for him.

I know how confusing it can be when they show signs of making progress. Please just read it and I think you'd better understand what I wanted to say here.

Take care!
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For Newcomers Jump to new posts
Re: New here Rockon 09/26/22 04:47 AM
Ok will adjust. I have made many changes and this is an important one too.

New Thread:

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Surviving the Big D Jump to new posts
Re: Korean Drama Binge kml 09/26/22 03:57 AM
File under: feeling vindicated

As most of you know, Spa guy had ghosted me for 4 years, but I had sent occasional text messages throughout, worried that he might be suffering from depression and wanting him to know I was his friend regardless.

We used to have a joke about the movie The Time Travelers Wife. I had brought it for us to watch one time and he HATED it. He never let me live it down and it was a running joke.

Earlier this year, when he was still ghosting me, I had texted him that the new series of the Time Travelers Wife was great and he should watch it, despite his hatred for the movie. Much to my surprise, today he actually admitted that he HAD watched it and liked it, as well as Station Eleven, another recommendation I had made. (He always recommends great movies and books to me, as does my first post-divorce boyfriend).

Feels good to know he was reading and paying attention to those texts even when I felt I was spitting into the wind. My BFF thought I was being silly, but I trusted he was out there somewhere and would likely welcome my messages even if he couldn’t respond. Glad I trusted my gut.
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Surviving the Big D Jump to new posts
Re: Boundary's after big D Mach40 09/25/22 11:28 PM
It went okay. Ex was sick. Oldest said she was looking bad and throwing up at her home. Probably food .. No biggie

But, my girls, 2 grands and Ex Fil were there. We had a good time.
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For Newcomers Jump to new posts
Re: Just Thank you all. A very big Thanks SteveLW 09/24/22 04:58 PM
Neffer, we miss you man! You always brought a fresh perspective.
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Midlife Crisis Jump to new posts
Re: Jack 3 Beans Mach1 09/24/22 01:41 PM
“The sorrow we feel when we lose a loved one is the price we pay to have had them in our lives.” ― Rob Liano

Another trip around the sun my friend....

Tonight, I toast you and my K baby....

I know you are once again walking on the beach, talking....

Strength and Honor............. Jack's driver...
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Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Jump to new posts
Re: The Adventures of GH31, Wife and Baby GH31 09/24/22 06:57 AM
All is well with us thanks, Mach1.

The normal vicissitudes of life - ups and downs - but the ups and downs aren't as extreme as they once were.

The kids are healthy, doing well at school, and they're happy - so that's all that matters.

The wife and I spend time together, just the two of us, and we still have a sex life.

Things could be - indeed they have been - much worse.
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Re: Stuck in limbo III LH19 09/23/22 01:07 PM
Originally Posted by Doug54
What were you doing having relationship talks? That's a no-no. Out of curiosity, do you recall if you or your ex would bring those up?
Nah she would. I think in a away to let me know even though she said she was trying she had one foot out the door.
Originally Posted by LH19
At that point I throw in towel and we are stuck living together for over a year while waiting for D to be final and her to find a house.
Originally Posted by Doug54
What did that entail? If I recall, you kept sleeping in the same bed and having relations until the week she moved out.
Yeah I never left the bed nor did she. Yeah we had relations from time to time. If I was in the mood I would give it a shot. Most times it worked but not always lol. We always did dinner as a family but that was it for the final 16 months. Never nothing together. Tried to keep it as normal for kids as possible to the end. By this time I knew NOTHING would change her mind other than being single and seeing for herself what that looked like.
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Surviving the Big D Jump to new posts
Re: Look what the Cat dragged in.....Literally uRworthy 09/23/22 11:53 AM
G....wish it was under different circumstances..but so glad I will get to see you.
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Surviving the Big D Jump to new posts
Re: Evolutionary Psychology and Dating IV Ginger1 09/23/22 12:55 AM
You’re right. Sorry to have bothered you. BL, you are in good hands

New Thread:

Evolutionary Psychology and Dating V
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Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (Sandi2) Ready2Change 09/22/22 08:04 PM

Originally Posted by BL42
Nice job looking good, dressing well, and being confident. Curious why she's over again? It seems to be frequent? Next time maybe switch it up a bit and when she texts to stop by respond "Not today, I'm out with a friend."
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Surviving the Big D Jump to new posts
Re: Evolutionary Psychology and Dating V LH19 09/22/22 04:50 PM
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Surviving the Big D Jump to new posts
Re: Stories of imagination tend to upset those without Dawn70 09/22/22 02:47 PM
Originally Posted by AndrewP
Originally Posted by devvo
Andrew, if your XW has split up with OM, I for one would not judge you one iota for smirking. I certainly would wink Yeah - I'm evil. I'm just gonna have to live with that grin
Last time I drove past their house on my way home from the shops both vehicles were there. Given that it was a rumour that was passed to me, there's no way of knowing what the actual truth is and since it doesn't affect me or the kids, I don't care. Although yes - some quiet smirking can be called for.

I expect that in 18 months when the money stops flowing in from me that it will make things rather more uncomfortable. I have a number of friends who have signed up to help me celebrate that freedom from feedom.

I used to worry that she'd try to circle back in some fashion after the money dries up but am not any more. As the philosopher Randy Travis once wrote "Now you're just an old song nobody sings anymore"

Great song and appropriate for the topic. This is why I love you, Andrew! RT is a philosopher indeed.
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Midlife Crisis Jump to new posts
Re: My Story P5: Saying goodbye to the MLC Madness Eagle3 09/22/22 01:51 PM
Originally Posted by DnJ
You asked me about my retirement a few weeks ago. smile It’s awesome!

My kids and Mom picked me up at work for a surprise retirement party. A limo, a change of clothes, reservations for bowling, billiards, and then a fancy supper. What a fantastic time.

What a nice gesture from all of them. And even a fancy limo, no costs were spared for their loving father!!

Originally Posted by DnJ
With my now spare time, or more precisely my time, I’ve pruned trees, repaired the floor, worked around the yard, had meals with friends, watched movies and TV series, and on and on. What I want to do, when I want to do it, and if I want to do it. Ha, my cup runneth over.

As expected. Most retired people don't know how they used to go to work as they don't even have the time to do all the new activities going on. Good for you!

Originally Posted by DnJ
Interestingly, after the wedding, and before all the recent events here, I contacted J. I told her plainly how tongue tied I was regarding her accolades of me and apologized for being silent during our walk at the wedding. I then let her know that she did a fantastic job raising the kids and I never demonized nor diminished her efforts in their young lives. She thanked me, and again reiterated my qualities.

A week ago, I was walking through town to pick up my tractor from its oil change, and J pulled up to the pharmacy as I was walking by. She got out of her car a mere twenty feet away and smiled and vigorously waved at me. Was a bit strange considering how estranged we’ve been these past five years. I smile and waved back, as I continued walking.

I'm convinced this is a good way to go forward now. I too am being polite, I don't seek contact but when he does, which is fairly regular through messages, I always reply.
You know I never stopped having contact with him, only for a few months when his anger took the upper hand and his actions became destructive again.

I can so relate to your comment when the feeling arises of not knowing the other person anymore. You have lived together for so long, this person almost knew you better than you know yourself, and then there it is, completely estranged from each other. Until today I too still struggle a bit with that.

But I guess this will always be present since we already gave so many things a place now.

Originally Posted by DnJ
I am touched by your words dear Eagle.

I am considering my place among this board or perhaps even not on it at all. I do invest myself into things. And I loved the investment I made here. However, one cannot have it all. We all make sacrifices; be those known or not. For those lucky enough to be aware, they get to choose their sacrifice. I’ve only a finite and limited amount of my most precious resource - time. I not wish to neglect that most important to me. And yes, you and the dear folks here are upon my list of important to me. The destabilization of recent events notwithstanding.

I have spoken from the bottom of my heart. And I don't need to know more than what you write here. The most important thing for me is that you are happy and that I will hear from you from time to time. Your wisdom about MLC is invaluable so if you could find some time here and there to share that wisdom with other people who come here and as we know will be facing the most difficult time of their lives, this would be wonderful.

Enjoy the upcoming weekend, although for you it is always weekend now LOL!!!!
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Re: 8 month old baby and upcoming divorce part 2 BL42 09/22/22 01:38 PM
Originally Posted by Newborn
Court date: I'm in the US, and agreed - thats what it seems like.
My mistake - it's AnnKay who was pregnant and living in Australia.

Originally Posted by Newborn
Travel: Yeah, I think it was mostly his mom, but I think in some ways he liked to have his family time. He and I were always really careful to have our own lives as well outside the relationship, but he did seem to sometimes prioritize others.
Having your own lives with personal hobbies and interests is good for a relationship, but 6 years of you being excluded from family vacations is a much different story.

Originally Posted by Newborn
Tbh BL42 I did call him back and apologize about the comment about vacations bc truly the conversaiton wasn't supposed to be about me. We had a 40 min chat about lots of stuff, including prior travel together, and the baby, and his cousin's wedding he had invited me to but I can't go to.
Only you know for sure, but it sounds to me like you might have been making an excuse to reach out and talk / stay close. If you need to discuss baby logistics and finances, that's one thing, but did the reminiscing about prior travel help your detachment? And why would he invite you to his cousin's wedding while you're divorcing? Seems odd.
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Midlife Crisis Jump to new posts
Re: Bocce, anyone? bttrfly 09/20/22 10:26 PM
Originally Posted by Mach1
Originally Posted by bttrfly
Hi Mach! How's your Tuesday going?

I updated.....did you ?

: p
Yep. We're busy here IRL, but all is going well.
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Re: Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out (3) BL42 09/20/22 06:08 PM

Originally Posted by Rockon
My WW acknowledged that I have been thriving without her and she told me that she has even been telling her friends this. She commented on the positive changes I have made with regard to my health, taking care of our home, getting out and engaging with life, having friends. But she said, it’s too little too late and that she doesn’t buy it that the changes are real or lasting.

I replied,”I’m not asking or expecting you to buy it. This is who I am and who I need to be.
Not sure this is the best response. Remember don't challenge/debate her. The best response would've be to validate (E.g., "I understand you feel that way.")

Remember...Actions, not words. It's very common for LBSs to make changes and for WAS/WS to observe them but say "it's too little too late". You can't logic her out of this feeling or convince her she's wrong through your words. All you can do is really truly change in the long term for yourself.
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