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A Message from Michele
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
Midlife Crisis Jump to new posts
Re: Brave Little Gerda Knows More Now Gerda 49 minutes ago
I have not had the right time or frame of mind to respond to all these messages, apologies. But that day of the DnJ hug was very well timed, as were the added hugs by Sage and Eagle -- thank you! And SJohn-am, really loved your post and the empathy and care and friendship, very needed that day and the days following! I just have to steal a moment soon to reply properly.

I did think a lot about my reaction to some of the posts. I noticed I felt really driven to explain myself, or to justify what I think or do or to remind those I know here of who I am or what I did in the past or what I meant, etc. It was exactly how I was around H. There is something in all of us LBS's, I think, where we think we need to make something clear to the MLCer so that s/he will finally understand -- and I guess, finally see The Truth and therefore see we were right -- or love us again -- or feel remorse....

I had that same feeling in wanting to reply here, and I even succumbed to it on one of my posts above. Each time I tried to reply, I saw that I was just going to do that again, and that I was preparing a path for myself to feel hurt/alone if someone here didn't understood me or thought something of me that wasn't what I know of myself or my kids or what I did to get us to this point.

That longing to justify oneself, to explain, to make the other person "finally realize" is such a powerful force, and I think it drives most of what we do in the early days, and is what trips us up later too, even when we think we have grown past it. It's the very force I am always counseling folks here to push aside, to ignore, to exorcise.

Even now I am battling with myself to list all the therapy we have done or are doing, or to talk about my son actually going to a therapeutic high school, paid for by the city, because I was able to advocate for that. And I erased that a few times, to see how I would feel if I didn't explain that. It was really uncomfortable for me! I think that right there is THE wound, the big one, that one that drives us not to let the MLCer go, or to lose our confidence or our clarity.

I watched this little film on YT yesterday about gaslighting, a fiction film but I WAS that girl in that film, and I kept thinking they did not need to give her a black eye, many of these people do not hit. At the end of the film she writes on her mirror, YOU ARE UGLY, and then she rubs it out and writes, HE IS UGLY. But that takes YEARS to get there, to be able to even consider that the other one is the ugly spirit, whether it's MLC or was always there, that doesn't happen over a few weeks, to be able to see clearly.

Look at me now, eight years in, having done something or other to cause quite a few of you to care about me (thank you!) or to think I have grown or am wise or kind or whatever else you might think in the positive realm. And yet I am still that too, that girl writing, YOU ARE UGLY on her mirror, or on a post here, and still taking a month or two to think about it and even try to believe that I could be one of those -- the truly ugly one or the one who believes it of herself or the one who finally realizes that maybe it isn't true.

Something to consider, if you are reading this and are new on your journey -- or later on your journey, and battling that same demon. That need to justify yourself, it's part of your battle! The only thing we really seem to need on this journey is something to love us unconditionally and to give us a hug and say they understand. We aren't going to get that EVER from the MLCer and it may not even happen that you can get it from people around you. I get it, sometimes, through my faith, but most of my daily life does not include that, I have only one friend who loves me like that, and my family loves me more like the MLCer does. So I think as we are figuring out how to heal, we have to know that we need that, we have to face that we may not get that but that we don't need to explain to the MLCer, it doesn't work, it's a wound we have to heal on our own, to stop explaining! All we can do is give that love to others and accept that love when it comes our way....
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Re: Onward and…. well, onward kml 1 hour ago
If you want a little fun, turn on the cheetah cub cam at the smithsonian national zoo. Best with sounds, the chirps and trills are sweet.
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Midlife Crisis Jump to new posts
Re: A Great Life #12 DnJ 2 hours ago
Good Morning

Yesterday was so busy at work. Actually all week was crazy busy. Late nights had me defer grocery shopping to last night.

After walking about the store and purchasing my needed goods. I was strolling back to the car and walked by a man and a woman hunched down at the back of their vehicle. As I neared them I saw the flat tire. Completely flat. Right on the rim.

I told them I’m just here - three cars down the row - I’ll put my grocery in the car and I’ll be right back to help.

Their vehicle was driven into the space so the flat right rear tire was next to the lane of travel.

Luckily, we were in a parking lot. Still, even with my blaze orange shirt and hi-visibility clothing people are unaware or uncaring or just blind. I don’t know. Not many folks care enough to slow down their day for someone in distress, never mind actually stopping and offer a helping hand. And I mean more than just driving.

It was a couple around my age, 50 years old or so. Anyhow, the woman had the manual out and was looking up how to lower the wheel down from underneath the vehicle. The guy was under the vehicle struggling away trying to figure it out. So very typical. Lol.

The manual had no instructions on how to lower the wheel. I went through it as well. Zip. Nothing. All we needed was were is the cranking part for the lowering cable. The woman looked up a video on her phone as the guy and I took the back compartment apart. After 5 minutes or so we had a video playing and found the location of the cover to the crank. Lol.

We lowered the tire. Before continuing I ensured it had sufficient air. No point putting on a flat tire to replace a flat tire. I would have taken it to the garage and got it filled, but no need.

We raised the car’s right rear wheel off the ground. After loosening the wheel nuts before the loss of traction to the ground. While cranking up the car, and working carefully within the space between their car and the bright green sports car beside us that had its front pointing out of the space, the opposite of this vehicle, the sports car owner arrives.

The young guy and his girlfriend or wife get in the car. I get up and stand out of the way so they can easily exit the space and I won’t get my legs accidentally run over. Nope. The oblivious and arrogant little wiener sits in his running car with the exhaust coughing out at us while he checks his phone.

I’m blaze orange. And so are my clothes. Lol. Seriously, I’m standing right in front of him. Five feet from his position behind the steering wheel. Tire iron in my dirty hand. Looking at this guy as he openly ignores us. I let two full minutes go by. Nothing. These two are something else.

I was going to have a discussion with the troglodyte about basic societal niceties. Maybe he didn’t get enough hugs as a child. Who knows. Anyhow, I’m dressed in my work uniform and the name of my employer stand out pretty well against the bight clothing. Really, don’t need a complaint from the public.

So, back to work. I place the spare tire right in front of the sports car. And I work with a little less caution. I get the car up, remove the flat tire and exchange it with the awaiting spare tire right in front of the green car. I leave the flat tire right there, squarely in front of that doofus.

By now, this is like 7 minutes. The goof is now looking. I’m working. He has to back out of the space, out the empty space behind him, and out into that lane of travel. Score one petty victory for DnJ. Hahaha.

We get the tire on. Get the wheel nuts started and lower the to the ground. I tighten down the nuts and we store all the stuff back into their vehicle. They are grateful and are heading right to the tire shop.

I head home after this 45 minute detour.

I arrive home. Wash. Unpack my groceries. Feed the dogs. And take them for a walk.

The sun is at the horizon. I’m an hour later than I’d thought I’d be. Shrug. It’s not like I’ve got a strict itinerary. Lol.

The sky is clear. With the setting sun, the sky is turning dark blue. There is no sound, no wind, and the sky looks like I’m looking out of a marble. It was so clear.

A few more laps around the yard. The sun sets and darkness is overtaking the last of the twilight. Next to the gibbous moon, Jupiter appears. Denebola, a +2 magnitude star, was particularly visible last night. It was just above the horizon, gleaming brightly. At fist I thought it was Venus.

After a bit, I put the dog back in their pen and they both chow down on their food. I head inside and look for my own meal to chow down on.

This morning I was awakened by my alarm. Apparently, I set it last night. I discovered this at 5:30am this morning. Oh well. I shut it off. Ensured it was actually Saturday and then slept in.

When I came down stairs I saw the deck was covered in frost. The temperature was -1C. Brrrrr. I’m going to have to winterize a bit sooner than anticipated.

I had a nice egg breakfast and am starting my day.

Hope all the good.

D
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Re: Rebuilding and renewal - 7 BL42 2 hours ago
Originally Posted by AndrewP
#48 of 77 - counting down to that bit of freedom. Having essentially a 25% raise when this is done will make quite the difference.
Love the countdown! More than halfway there!
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Re: American Horror Story, Season 3 DnJ 4 hours ago
Good Morning CW

Well done.

Nice to have access to everything.

Did you decide which type of sweep you are going to use? Did you find any holes in the walls?

The temperature over here is now dipping to freezing overnight. I woke up this morning to -1C. Brrrrr. As such, the critters are finding their homes/shelters for the winter. My traps will be much above average until the temperature dips and stays below freezing to keep the rodents from roaming around. I don’t get mice wandering about when it’s -30C. Lol

Install the sweeps over this weekend and block up any wee entrances. No point letting the critters back in to undo your hard work.

Have a great day.

D
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Re: Hoping things are getting better scaredA 5 hours ago
Originally Posted by BL42
Just making sure I have the timeline right. You didn't talk much for over a year? That's a really long time to not talk, especially while living together.

Basically yes, there has been some basic conversation around kids. basically my wife sat in the bedroom with the door closed all the time she was at home


Originally Posted by BL42
If she's threatened divorce and even filled out the paper work I would think this is very serious.

I agree, she claims the only reason it hasn't been filed it that she cannot file without husbands permission due to this country following Sharia law. I pretty sure that this is not the case as lawyers have told me so, I have been told you can file by your home country rules if you are both non Muslim.


Originally Posted by BL42
So she's Russian and you're living in a Muslim country. Sounds like you're not Russian. Are you from the country you're living in now? Seems like your situation could get complicated legally based on the international aspect. You may want to start understanding the law and where you stand in terms of citizenship, residency, and your kids.

Yes, I'm Western European. The law here is basically any assets get split by the ratio of who paid for them. But they have no jurisdiction on overseas assets (we own a house back in Europe).


Originally Posted by BL42
Just to clarify...you are living together, correct?

Yes we are in same house


Originally Posted by BL42
I won't quote all the occurrences, but sounds like she's told you multiple times she's been having an affair with someone since 2018. I'd believe her. This is speculation, but I wonder if the Valentines Day 2020 improvement/sex was related to a fight she had with OM and keeping you on the hook?

I'm not sure what to think about the affair. I never suspected or queried her about an affair. All information was volunteered to me. Also, a lot of what she says and does, doesn't make sense. The following all occurred during the same argument:
" I have been seeing him since 2018 and want you to move out so he and I can move to the next level"
"I want to leave this country and move back to Europe and live in our house there"
"I'm not a cheater"
"He is happy with his wife"
"He says nice things to me"
I asked her to prove the affair by showing me his txt message "I delete them as soon as I read them"
"People usually keep these things secret, I am telling you"
"We didn't use condoms, don't worry he is clean"
Two minutes later "We used condoms"
"I have never been with another man since I met you"
"I thought "Why not" when sex came up"
"Now every time I go out you will be worried where I am"
"I don't want to talk about him with you"
"I not going to stop seeing other men"


After this discussion she didn't leave the house, except going to work, for two weeks.

My DB coach suggested I do not ask about or discuss the affair with her. My coach suggests that if my wife brings it up again, I should not ask questions just say "It hurts me very much to hear you say things like that".
The affair has been brought up voluntarily three times. There has been no mention of it since the the 24th August.

Originally Posted by BL42
What are you doing for yourself? Working out, activities, friends...etc.? Make sure you're doing things to improved your own life.

I'm exercising, reading a lot and spending time with my kids.

Originally Posted by BL42
Sounds like you've moved out of the master bedroom? There's a lot of talk on this board about respect and strength. Right now you're probably acting out of fear and weakness because your W is threatening you with D and affairs. You need to flip that power around. Get strong. Show her you'll be fine without her. Reclaim some of the power. I've seen it suggested many times on here to reclaim the martial bedroom. If she wants to move out, so be it, but why should you be inconvenienced?

Good luck. Keep posting and more people will respond.

Yes, I was the one who moved out, over one year ago. She didnt ask me to move out. In fact she asked me to move back in again around about 10 months ago. I refused and said I did not want to. Im not sure if I should make a confrontation about the bedroom at the moment, after two months of no arguments and some improvement in the situation.

I appreciate your advice!
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Re: OB is pretty good Ginger1 6 hours ago
Story time.

I refused to meet OW for 3 years. I didn’t even meet her until after they were married. Honestly, it was good riddance to my eXH, but the thought of another woman being in my daughters life? Nothing was worse than that. I tried to make some verbal agreements with him regarding the OW being around my daughter. My daughter was too young to speak for herself. I had no way of knowing. My only thing was don’t leave her alone with my daughter. And I said godforbid I find out something happened to her in her care and he wasn’t present, he would pay. So who knows even then.

I finally met her when my ex had a surgery and he couldn’t physically come down the stairs to get our daughter on his custody time. So I had to exchange with OW. It was fine. She was the nervous one! From then on our I saw her more times at shared events for my kid.

They are still together 14 years later!!!!! She went no where! I’m one of the few who that will happen to. But nontheless it happens.

She’s good to my daughter and that’s all that matters. OWW loves me for some odd reason, lol. She never even came close to replacing me as her mother . My daughter knows how mom is. They have their things they do together….. I can’t stand hallmark Christmas movies. My daughter loves them. She watches them with her when she’s over there. Great!

Make sure the dude doesn’t have a record. If your son seems ok and doesn’t come home and say anything bad about him. Great. No need to meet him. You will see him eventually at a son event. If they become serious, he will be there. And you will cross that bridge when you come to it .
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Re: Still Goin' Solo Maika Yesterday at 10:29 PM
okay! I'll start a new thread when I start dating. This one has run its course. I'm doing good and it's been a wild ride since last week. Thanks everyone for knocking good sense into me.
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Re: Create the life... DejaVu6 Yesterday at 04:49 PM
Welcome to this part of the forum Elbereth. Your story resonates with me. The trauma of betrayal and gaslighting by someone you love is an awful experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and you and I have both been through it. It is especially difficult when you are someone who couldn’t even conceive of doing the things your ex did. Mine lied to me and gaslighted me for at least four years. He did so while continuing to tell me he loved me and convincing me it was circumstance, not choice, that was keeping us apart.

What made it even more difficult to comprehend is that it wasn’t just me he abandoned but also our children. Lucky for him, our kids were young enough and forgiving enough that he now has a good relationship with them. His daughter, my stepdaughter, however, is older and was front and centre for all of his lies. She has realized that his abandonment of her was by choice and not out of his control. So she doesn’t trust him and isn’t sure she can ever trust him. Unfortunately, he’s done little to change her opinion…only expected she forgive him because he is her dad and he somehow thinks she owes him that. Needless to say, they have very little to do with one another. It makes me sad. She deserves better as do I.

XH has married OW. I wish them well. My kids don’t need anymore changes and frankly, it doesn’t matter to me what he does anymore. I have forgiven him…for me and for my children. Carrying around negative feelings is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Easier said than done, I know, but it is worth the effort. This is not to say that I don’t still get angry from time to time. I’m human and his treatment of me was unforgivable in so many ways. But through all of this, I’ve been determined to rise above and I think I’ve done a pretty good job of it. Like love, forgiveness is a choice you have to make every day and some days are harder than others. On those days, the person you need to find forgiveness for is yourself. smile

You are only a year in so I know feelings are still fairly raw. I’m three years in and now that I”m past the trauma, I can see that my life is way better than it was…even before I found out about OW. I’ve had many experiences and met many people that I would not have had I been married still. I am grateful. I was extremely lonely when I was married. That kind of loneliness is even worse then when you are truly by yourself. Anyway…I just wanted you to know you are not alone and that things will get a bit better every day. Keep working on it. Feel your feelings but don’t get stuck in them. Choose better not bitter. (((HUGS)))
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Re: 5 weeks until pre-trial kas99 Yesterday at 03:48 PM
I'm feeling a little better today and am so glad it's Friday. I'll be back in 12 days to let DB know how it went.
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Re: Out of the bottle LH19 Yesterday at 09:52 AM
So here are the facts. 90% of all non- abusive relationship issues are fixable when you have 2 people on board totally committed to fixing them. If you only have one it’s a lost cause. Everyone has a couple friend that has been married for 20-25 years who outwardly have major issues but they are still together and because of so much resentment hate one another and haven’t slept together in 5 years. Does that sound appealing to you guys or would you rather be independent, spend quality time with your children parenting the way you choose and on your free time have a woman come over who can’t wait to jump your bones?

Maghild you are think in the forest. BL you are close to finding your way out. Eventually you will both see the trees.
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Re: D negotiations DnJ Yesterday at 01:30 AM
Hello Eagle

Originally Posted by Eagle3
Next week my in-laws have a family party where I'm invited to, and H as well.
They really want me to be there but in all honesty I think I will not attend since I don't feel like being in one room with H anymore if I don't have to. How do you all deal with such things?

It’s easy. You don’t want to go, so don’t go.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
1/ No, I'm not OK with the default week/week custody.
2/ No, the children are not OK with week/week custody.

Good. You know where you and the kids stand.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
Current arrangements are full custody for me, in the document I have proposed every 2 weeks 1 weekend to start with. Kids are OK with that.

Why the change to the current arrangement? Maybe leave out proposals and stick with current, have been going on for a while, precedent setting, full custody, arrangements that have been working out just fine. No need to put more ideas in his head.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
After my talk with the expert it became even more clear as to why I really have to try to solve this without going to court. The moment L's are openly involved the judge always gives 50/50 custody to both parents, since the law states that children need to have contact with both parents as much as possible, unless you have proof of psychical abuse, etc. which is of course not the case.

So they would hear the children but this would take some time and until there is a statement they would have to go with the week/week rule.

Yes, I recalled you mentioning this previously.

Going to court is not what you nor the kids wish to do.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
This is something he can use against me, although he is not aware today.
I however have also something I can use against him and that is money.
H is making a lot of money and would have to pay more child support as to what he is paying today, which is a good thing for me because money is the most important thing in the world right now for him.

Yes, your desire for custody is something that can be use against you.

I offer a re-wording change which will made a world of difference in your efforts to achieve your goals:

I however have also something I can use against him and that is money.

I do realize H is enchanted by money, more than custody.

You do not want this to end up in a fight and going to the courts. You cannot “win” in a head to head battle. H is irrational and will not give in to reason, he needs to feel he won. This is key when resolving an issue with an irrational person - their feelings must be assuaged.

I have some advice, which comes straight out of my playbook. I had success, for whatever that’s worth. smile

Do note: This is not against our spouse. Rather, finding a resolution giving their irrational pressures.

First up, you and the kids. You need to get ok with week/week. H might take this to that end and you and the kids need to be ok with it. That doesn’t mean you desire it, just that you can live with it and accept it and it is not forever. (Obviously you will fight negotiate for a different result.)

You and kids need to discuss this possible outcome. As my S20 told you, kids are part of the divorce. And they often have no information or voice in what is going on. So talk to them.

I told my children everything. Of course, I was lucky in that W blew the whole world apart and dragged everyone and everything in to “our” separation/divorce. That was such a blessing.

Information is power. Make your children powerful! Explain and answer questions about divorce, the process, etc. Dispel their fears and unknowns about this hidden and not talked about subject.

Second, and this is a bit weasel-like and borders close to weaponizing the children, so be careful and keep your intentions and attention to the rational task at hand.

Informed children with an understanding of the “new” life they are facing, with the possibility of having to live at Dad’s half of the time, can and will speak out. They are your kids, and gentle guidance and encouragement to let Dad know their wishes for their desired living arrangements is a good idea. Three boys texting and telling Dad what they want and how much they don’t want his plan will need to be addressed and listen too. If not, it will be H’s undoing.

My four kids clearly told Mom what they thought for her boinking OM. Of course, she opened that morality backlash door when she flaunted her first love making session which happened just before she came over to pick up more stuff. Kids have things to say, and unfortunately that usually gets stifled which has a detrimental affect upon them.

My children expressed their anger and outrage. True, at first, it was pointed incorrectly at me. They could not risk losing their Mom. However, in time, they discovered the truth - they already did. Mom was consumed and replaced by XW who stood in her place.

This is not demonizing H, nor attacking, nor using against him. It is promoting understanding for your children and encouraging them to speak their desires. All before this gets dragged to court.

This will alleviate your fears regarding going to court and ending up week/week. This will also alleviate kids fears too. The loss of fear is a powerful ally. With that particular button removed, H will have lost much of his perceived power over you. And that, first and second, changes the situation which alters the probability of this ever getting to court and ending up week/week. Funny thing, once we lose our fear of something, it seldom occurs.

Third, and basically ongoing, is the kids feedback to Dad. Once they feel secure and can speak up. Oh boy. Like I said, it will be H’s undoing if he ignores it.

The other/next part is negotiating with H. This happens while all the above things/growth are happening as well. It just ramps up the irrational pressure on H. So something to recognize and utilize accordingly. Again, not weasel-like, just finding resolution of a difficult and unwanted situation.

First and foremost for you, is realizing one of your most powerful weapons. Time.

You do not need to get divorced in a week. Or a month. Or a year. H is probably a bit desperate to get the deed done. You need not be. And if you are, tell yourself differently!

When, not if, when H will not come around or sees things too irrational, just wait it out. Let his offer languish in limbo. Let it expire non-responded to if it is too much a not fair/wanted offer.

You believe H desires money. Knowing your opponent’s desire is a good thing.

The only item really left to address is custody. You want full custody. H wants money. You can probably see a plan here. Remember, H needs to feel he won. Negotiating with an irrational person has a higher success rate when the irrational person feels/believes the resolution was their idea.

I want to interject another thing regarding children and divorce. As mentioned, most children get little to no voice. They get no information. And the biggest event that most children feel was the most damaging and detrimental to them - the loss of their family home.

They are ripped from everything they’ve know. Their bedroom. Their security. All sold out from under them.

Obviously, there are many mitigation factors and one person many not be able to swing what two were once paying for. Or there would be just too much emotional pain.There is also the ghosts of our previous life. Can you find peace? Or will the ghosts haunt? And so on.

This is, I believe, another reason my kids are where they are. I still have the family home. They still have the family home. They can walk and visit where they grew up.

If you can swing the mortgage on your income alone. If you can live with the ghosts. If you and the kids like and want the house. And that is probably the biggest question, do you want to live there? If yes, I have a suggestion.

Finesse the following idea, so H runs with it and he feels it is his.

You’ll take the kids full time. You’ll keep the house. H’s future childcare payments equate to his portion of the house. You’ll take over the house and the mortgage. H saves all those house payments, and child support payments. He makes money. You get kids and house.

You might have to add an extra lump sum payment to sweeten the pot. If H shows any interest to something like this, be cool, and let him get his offer written. Have an expert/L look it over, then sign it.

Although there are a few differences, that is basically how my separation, negotiation, and divorce played out. XW had an irrational desire to be out of the marriage and free of kids and responsibility. If H has similar pressure, and with everything else already sorted out, it may not require too much to get his name upon the dotted line.

One final thing - for today smile . Do not sign anything until you consult a lawyer. Always!

D
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Re: Hanging on by a thread CurtisO Yesterday at 01:11 AM
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by CurtisO
I DO suspect that she has a new female friend who is encouraging/supporting her and may even be actively working against me. I AM NOT investigating!!
What makes you think this is the case?

Unusual texting activities/times, some secretive behaviors on W part that seem to precede the "less good" days between us

again, I AM NOT investigating, it is what it is, nothing I can do about it if I'm right. I am TRYING to be stronger, sick of the weakness that I have exhibited leading up to all this
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Re: WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (5) BL42 10/14/21 08:36 PM
Originally Posted by kml
What show are you guys talking about here???
HBO's "Scenes from a Marriage" on HBO.

There was a thread in Newcomers about Netflix's "Sex/Lives" which also touched on "Marriage Story" and “The Killing of Two Lovers”, and eventually turned a discussion on the HBO adaptation of Swedish miniseries by Ingmar Bergman, but the thread hit its post limit and got locked out before we could fully discuss the final episode.

Netflix (Sex/Lives) an Inside to the mind of a WW
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Re: American Horror Story, Season 2 Ready2Change 10/13/21 06:47 PM
Originally Posted by may22
And I might add... asking "what can I do to help" instead of using your own eyeballs and common sense to figure it out and be an equal parent and partner is not the most attractive look. There is a lot of literature around women carrying the emotional burden of the family being tied to reduced desire-- it is hard to turn off the internal checklist of all the things that still need to be done and shift into sexy time mode, especially when your husband has turned himself into yet another person who you have to manage.
Agree. It is not too hard to see that the trash needs to be taken out and doing before she notices. It is a stack of all the little things a man can do for her. More guys need to understand this.

One of the discussions I have had with my lady is how we share the load, We find it much better for us that I go out and shovel the snow without her help. She would rather be inside dealing with the dishes.
My Lady and I go shopping together. I carry all the groceries into the house she puts them away. We could do these tasks together but have agreed to do it different. The discussions and agreements are the important part.

For most men, it is extremely disrespectful for someone to start doing something without first getting permission. For example if LH19 invited me over to his house for grilled hamburgers and I started flipping them over, guess how he would react.....Would be different if he asked me to keep an eye on them while he went to get another beer.

At the same time, all the women would be jumping in and helping each other in the kitchen without any of them asking how they can help. This is the type of contrasting I was referring to.
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Re: Wife checked out (3) BL42 10/13/21 03:50 PM
2ltl2lt,

Just read through your entire sitch. I think it's great you came back for an update because for me (and I assume others) it's always so great to see the longer view of these sitches instead of it just falling off after R or D.

You must be 45ish now and D17 and S13? How have your kids managed through it all? How is your marriage with your HS girlfriend (assume that's the widow with a kid of her own you started seeing)? Any contact with your ExW? How's she acting these days...any attempts to R, has she gotten more reasonable parenting?

Also...incredible stories from your childhood and growing up. You certainly have life experiences most don't. Sorry you had to go through all that stuff with your parents. moving around in bad situations. Did you ever discuss your path with your IC and how that might impacts your relationships?
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Re: WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont10.) SteveLW 10/13/21 02:17 PM
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I wasn't perfect, but I tried to always do right by my daughter, and now that she is in her late teens she is starting to see that. So do not judge your relationship with her in a specific point in time. Let her see you constantly keeping her best interest in mind, and eventually she will come around.
Same here.


Always do your best. Keep learning new parenting skills. Hone your communications skills with your kids. It is not an easy, job, but the most important one you have.

Bingo!
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Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Part 2 SteveLW 10/13/21 02:16 PM
Mach, WASs words are meaningless. It amazes me when LBSs put stock into words of people that were willing to break the most sacred oath two people can make to one another.

So you are wise to gauge things based on her deeds. Her words are meaningless.
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Re: Still not divorced SteveLW 10/12/21 03:27 PM
Gigi, good to hear from you. Sorry about the state of everyone's health, always puts things into perspective. Hopefully he will get good news from his tests.
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Re: Netflix (Sex/Lives) an Inside to the mind of a WW job 10/11/21 07:18 PM
Start a new thread and link this one to it. I will link your new thread to this one since I am locking it.
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Re: Legally separated, in our homes...Relocated BL42 10/11/21 06:45 PM
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Originally Posted by Mach40
Originally Posted by BL42
What are you doing in terms of self-improvement and GAL? How are you creating a life for yourself that (most importantly) you love, but also will be more attractive to your W and other women? Are you working out at a gym, joining a book club, volunteering for some local cause, taking a class at a community college...etc.?
Right now I am biking slowly as my knees are still in recovery.
I am back into restoring a car, and driving it. This was a passion I set aside when I married her. I take it to car shows, cruises when I can. Its my click, my zone, and many people on both sides male/female enjoy cars, cruises and such..
I am traveling allot now for work, and going to restaurants, sites etc. I am Not sitting idle waiting.
As far as a gym, nope. I do curls and push ups, planks etc.. After heart surgery, been being a little more careful. Not an excuse, but an eye opener..
My daughter suggested cooking clinics with the college and local chefs. I am lacking in cooking skills, other than basic BBQ.. She is an aspiring Chef, in college for it and working at a high end restaurant with a celebrity Chef.
This isn't bad, but I feel like you are doing all of the GAL stuff above but constantly watching to see if she is noticing. That will never get you to where you want to be.
The biking sounds good. The car shows sound great...something you're really interested in you can share with and meet other people. You don't HAVE to go to a gym...that was just one suggestion. I like the cooking classes...learn a new skill and meet others.

Originally Posted by Mach40
Going to Italy Friday, with DB book and will dive heavily into a plan.. Cant hurt to start there...The inspiration of being away will help. New faces, place, etc..
A trip to Italy sounds like great GAL!

Overall just filling your time will activities that you enjoy, learn new skills, meet other people...etc. Making your life great :-)


New Thread:

Legally separated, in our homes....Part 2
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Re: Room to breathe kml 10/11/21 03:54 PM
Yeh, I felt kinda "meh" about that movie too - it may have been the slow pacing. Tom Hanks is always worth watching though.

I think a fall cleaning bug is going around. My sister and niece have been on a tear getting rid of stuff around their house, and I've managed to organize a few corners of my home as well. I would love to take a week off and just focus on that, but I need to save my "vacation days" (since I'm the boss, I don't really have sick days, but I can only really afford to take so many days off a year) for when CMM passes and afterward. I do have some upcoming holiday time off though - Thanksgiving weekend and we always close the office the week from Xmas to New Year's.
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Re: Surviving the Big 3 kml 10/11/21 06:50 AM
Yeah, the tent thing? Your ex is a d!ck.

The night terrors? My oldest used to get them. Nothing was going on. We finally figured out that if we walked him to the bathroom, turned the water on in the sink and got him to pee in the toilet, he’d go back to bed and sleep soundly the rest of the night.

The negative self talk? That does concern me a bit - I think taking him to a therapist who would, in addition to helping him with his fears, be able to document anything worrisome related to your ex could be wise, just in case you end up needing it.

Honestly, I wouldn’t have told a three year old about the cheating and OW. I would have simply said something like daddy decided he didn’t want to be married to mommy, or better yet, mommy and daddy decided it was better they live apart. ( Because, although it wasn’t your choice initially, you did figure out pretty quickly that you were better off without that loser. ). I do worry that by telling him about the cheating, you’ve just put him at more risk of a negative reaction from his father if he mentions it to him.

Now - you mention you’re not sure if OW has been there lately - have you asked son? Because if she’s no longer there during visitation, it might explain his change in affect. Or maybe he’s just feeling unsettled because of the increased visitation time. Or maybe he has pinworms and isn’t sleeping well. Or maybe he’s developed an allergy that’s affecting his mood. There certainly are a lot of things that can go on with three year olds.

Document what the preschool is saying about his change in behavior.
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Re: Rope dropping and grey rocks 97Hope 10/11/21 01:20 AM
In my new house now for several days. Everything from the apartment is unpacked. Only one thing I can't find - the feet to my television.

My eldest son's childhood friend reached out via FB messenger and offered to come over and do handyman jobs. He said he owes me for all the carp he and my son put me through when they were teenagers. LOL He's not wrong!

I can use the help. I installed the dryer today and it was a challenge. small space, didn't come with a cord. YT was my best friend!

Work 2 off 2 work 3 off 2. Everything is coming together.

Had a dream about xh. In it I was crying and said "but we are not going to grow old together". He looked me dead in the eye. I saw a flash of grief instantly replaced by a positive emotion and he said "we are NOT going to grow old together". I was sad and then I accepted it and I was ok.

In the same dream sequence I kicked my XFIL out of my house and told him off. haha I mean, that's not hard to figure out!

Spoke with youngest S19. He was crushed. He had FaceTimed his dad and his dad was helping his OW's sons fish at the ranch. S19 said he spent most of the call helping them, showing them how to make lures. I heard so much pain in S19's voice. He can only call one time a week. S19 said that he plans to move all of his belongings out of his dad's place and only visit during the day, not keep any of his things there. I told him I would support any decision he made and that I was sorry that he was hurting.

Ugh. That man can't see beyond his own nose. It was weird. I didn't feel anything as S19 was telling me about the call, beyond hating to see my son in pain.

I got a case of the joys when my kids see XH's mask slip. Not going to pretend otherwise.
The emperor isn't fooling them anymore. Painful, yes, but they can heal from that. Pretending just prolongs the inevitable.

Hope you all are doing well and remembered where you packed your unmentionables!

xo xo
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Re: Still putting one foot in front of the other... Elbereth 10/10/21 02:57 AM
Started a new thread over on the Surviving the Big D forum: Create the life...

See you on the other side...

El
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