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I am not afraid of the BS im just dodging it. Why even deal with it, and im sure you are right, in time they will get over it and support all her stupid ass choices because she has them manipulated as well with her fits of rage if people do not comply with her demands.
im 36 and she is 33 bout to be 34, yeah this is gonna be a long ride for sure....
at this point I am over it. Its easier to just sit quiet then to engage in any type of drama. Thats what I do, that and consider how to do it better next time around with someone better.
A woman doesn’t go home from that saying “I met an interesting person I think I’d like to date”, she goes home thinking “oh I just had the most romantic date!” And expectations are created.
Is that bad? I truly got joy out of giving her a rose and her finishing her sourdough-ham-swiss-pickle-panini and the watermelon-feta-mint-onion salad. She said it was the perfect evening after her hard day. Creating a romantic evening and making someone's day makes me happy. I'll share something silly. Even back at a happy time when my ex-GF lived with me, on Valentine's Day I organized a special event where I made-up my house like a Parisian street complete with mood lighting and prints of the city at night. I served a multi-course meal including Tuscan steaks and bruschetta and bean soup and prosecco. I delighted that some of the men and women I brought together connected. I would say this desire, that I didn't realize was there, speaks to something deep inside of me.
How's your vacation week going? Manage to get vaccinated yet?
I got my first shot of the AZ/Covishield vaccine last week. Despite the concerns, I'll probably choose that as my second dose when available. The science seems solid to booster with the same formula.
Nothing much going on here - little to report in on.
Last day of vacation. It's been good. I've de-stressed a bit and slept in which is glorious. I was pleased that work never felt any particular urgent need to reach out to me. There were a couple of minor things that popped up that I looked into. There were a number of fairly big things that I'm sure were major headaches at the plant.
I've been getting some back spasms all week so have - for me - taken things easy. Went on a couple of longer hikes in some of the local nature areas we are so very fortunate to have. We are still under a now extended stay-home order here so adventures farther afield weren't an option. When the spasms happen I just move very carefully and they pass. I've had these for a long time off and on so I just need to let them pass. Every now and then I'll get a big one that will throw my back out for about 6 weeks.
When I walk, it's usually good thinking time. I'm not one of those who listens to music or podcasts when walking so lots of thinking happens. For good or for ill, more and more I'm having difficulty imagining having someone else under this roof with me. S must really have done a number on my ability to be open and trusting. For a while during one of my walks I gave some brain space to "what if" my ex and OM broke up. That's a person who I lived with for 26 years more or less harmoniously. Nope - definite nope for several bucket loads of reasons. Even dating seems like too much effort although the loneliness has bumped up this past week as I lost even the usual human interaction with people from work. Oddly though too - I felt pretty much zero need to reach out to anyone and so didn't.
I've not heard anything from or about S since we parted. I had a talk to the post-office the other day and let them know that they could just reject any mail that comes here for her. It's been 6 months after-all. There's only one thing that has come in recent times. I did have a laugh when I popped my head around and saw the back-side of the PO boxes. My ex-wife's name is still on mine.
I did have an odd interaction yesterday with a neighbour who I rarely see. I was working on my shed and she yelled over a "hello" from her back yard so I wandered over to visit. She has an 11 month-old who I last saw shortly after she was born. We caught up on the news - she was very sad for me that my last relationship didn't work out for me and assured me that "true love" will find me. I think she's struggling a bit with the lockdowns - hasn't seen her family for a while. Her husband and mother-in-law are - to say the least - not social people - and I think that's hard on her. She said she's going to get a second job - she's a nurse - just to get out more. She suggested that I join her on her lunch-time walks with her little one but I dodged that. I'm sure everything is all innocent but don't want to even provide the appearance of impropriety. She did come over and harvest some rhubarb from my garden (ah - I miss doodler) and said that she'll bring me a piece of pie.
I did find it odd as well that a bit later her mother-in-law came over to ask about what she'd heard that I was looking at selling part of my property and that she was interested in it as well. Perhaps a full de-brief was held?
Ah well - yeah - nothing much going on. I'll maybe get some plants today for my flower beds. Should be a nice quiet weekend too as many of my weekend chores have already been done. Then back into the harness sometime Sunday to start the planning for Monday for the plant.
Just journaling. Last few days I have been so depressed. The loss of my daughter is just so hurtful. I have done so much reading and watching videos about people who specialize in this area. Everyone says how difficult it is for the “target” parent to cope with this. Every once and a while it just hits me like a ton of bricks. Wondering what my d is up to, how she is doing. I just feel like I am missing so much. When I listen to some of the top people about alienation, I feel like they have been watching my life for the past year. The 2 who have done extensive work on this are Dr. Jennifer Harman and Linda Gottlieb. I am truly trying to figure out how I can get them to help. I am going to start by writing them emails. I am so worried that my s will be next. Tuesday was my s birthday. I called him at night like I do every night. Except this time he didn’t pick up or call back. Yes there are times he hasn’t picked up but he usually calls me back. This time nothing!!! Really on his birthday you keep me from speaking with him. To be completely honest I did have him a few hours earlier in the day but I call him every night to say goodnight to him and I especially wanted to say happy birthday to him again. If she takes him away from me I don’t know what I will do. I will be completely devastated. This is a rhetorical question. But how could some you are with for 19 years, treat you like a queen, beg you not to d me be so cold and out to hurt me so bad by turning the kids against me? Another mom text me 2 days ago. My s got invited to practice with the best instrument players. He is a percussionist, after school is his mom went to pick him up. When she went say hi to Brayden (her son was picked and is good friends with my s but still talks to me too) she grabbed my s quickly, she explains it looked liked she jumped on him so he wouldn’t see her and hurried him into the car and took off. This is what the mom text me. And asked what is her problem? I said because you talk to me. I said I am so sorry for that. I had to laugh. The next day that mom text me that she was so mad at that she wanted to say something to her on Facebook but my ex blocked her. Oh the drama. I think it would have been a little childish for this mom to do that, but the funny part is my ex is just pi$$ing so many people off. The sad part, these parents have children who are friends with my children that she prevents them from seeing. My poor kids.
LBS's, be alert! Most of what you are worrying about is based on a lie about who you are, what you did and what a marriage is supposed to be! It will be a veil over everything you do and think until you can start to see your own value and to see what is happening more clearly.
PREACH IT SISTAH!
In my case the lies lodged into my body and soul until I became in part who I was accused of being... externally, not internally. The schism between the two has caused more pain and anguish than the original lies.
What do I mean by externally? I weigh more than I ever have, much of it put on in the past 4 years due to extreme stress. My house looks like a war zone. The way I carry my self - where I once stepped lightly and with confidence and joy I find myself treading heavily, with a stance like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders. Is it all a response to my exh's lies? No, putting it all on his door would be unjust. But his lies are the foundation, and that foundation must be blasted to smithereens.
A male friend recently told me that he's seen glimpses of the vibrant woman I used to be, and he prays that I will let her come forward once more. She's in there, just beaten down.
D2 had a meltdown midway through her "mommy and me" preschool class (which my mom takes her to), I had to review/sign a half dozen documents related to the D, the dishwasher broke, crazy day virtually at my job, S6 had a bathroom accident after school for which I had to wash him and his clothes up, and D2 projectile vomited multiple times on herself, me, and half the house at bedtime, so...it may be a rough night.
Lots of D negotiations over the last two weeks since my last check-in; will post an update on the process when I can get a breath of air.
I've found that the saying "when it rains it pours" is very true in this life and in this imperfect world. I recently have had a a serious of misfortunate event related to to the house (things needing to be replaced), a death in the family, an elderly dog in failing health, and a few other things going on (health problems for some other family members, etc). Always seems things like this all happen at once.
BL42, personally I think you've come a long way and have made great progress. Life is life, don't let it derail you!
Originally Posted by Elbereth When I look at my marriage and our relationship, I do see whispers that I should have paid more attention too, I see that the whispers happened several times and many times I made other excuses for them.
I'm curious. What did those whispers look like?
It's hard to express this without specific details being up here for all to see...but let's just say that there were times that he definitely showed me little or no respect, forgetting important details or dates he should know, not noticing things that he should, taking more than giving, putting me last, gaslighting, gifts that were way off, etc. Or even behaviors he did to other people around me...that I thought, that isn't so good. Things that hurt my feelings and didn't change even when I brought them to his attention.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by Elbereth
Originally Posted by Elbereth I'm loyal and committed and don't give up easily.
I've realized I'm not as loyal as I once believed. I left my ex-wife, no effort on her part for 1.5yrs. I was close to leaving my ex-GF. I won't stick by someone 'til death do us part, only as long as they make an effort. I think that's a respectable level of loyalty that should make anyone who wants a life partner happy. "I do" to joining our lives thru good and bad, not being a doormat. (:
Originally Posted by Elbereth
Originally Posted by Elbereth I realize that a part of me does deeply love my husband
I did some reflection along this path, too. Which ex's did I know well enough, and which ex's knew me well enough, for the love to be real? My conclusion, with help from a wise forum member, is that while we can never know another human completely, my feelings of love for each one was valid and real. My feelings even for dates I know only for a few hours are valid and real. It's okay to love someone and realize they aren't a good fit for our lives.
I think I have put too much effort into relationships because of the principles I have, but I am beginning to think that I take it too far...and keep doing it when my partners are not making the effort. Something I need to work on... And, when it comes to love, my feelings for him were/are real. I am realizing that I can love him and know that he's either changed, was never the person I thought he was, or just isn't a good fit for me anymore.
I agree with you OnlyBent...our relationships are not all they appear to be if we only focus on the good things. Paying attention to the bad things, the red flags, the whispers are important too...even if we figure it out too late. I say that because the knowledge we've gained will hopefully help us to be better and find better in our futures. And to listen to our gut instincts more!
I'm doing okay... My financial course has ended and this month will be a lot of transition. But I am motivated to see what is next for me and trying to not focus on what I am losing. I'm hoping there is more to be gained in the future and I know I can only control my way of moving towards that.
First and foremost check out what SteveLW has linked here for you. Digging through the old stuff to find good things about piecing is arduous and time consuming. He just saved you a lot of time and energy.
Next, yay for you on your week off and alone time. And holy h3ll did you walk into a sh!tstorm with that new job. I think it's going to be a really good thing for you in the long run, but I'm sure in the short term it'll be a headache. However I honestly think this is probably exactly what you need. If you have less bandwidth to expend the energy it takes to hang on to pain and fear of the past, perhaps this will help you along. You'll have no other choice than to focus on today and tomorrow instead of yesterday.
What I told you that previously about hanging on longer than your H, I was speaking from what my friend told me from the heart, and my own experience. ExH brought up my A constantly. Every fight. Every time he was left to his own thoughts for too long. It colored any conversation we had with any depth. It colored our s3x life. It was sprinkled in everything I did good or bad. I'm not saying you need to let this go tomorrow and forget about it. It was a very long drawn out A. You have every reason on the planet to be struggling along here. The thing is exactly how I feel and have felt about forgiveness in this situation or any other is fairly close to MWD's thoughts. The anger and fear imprison you and hold your spouse hostage in suspended animation. The fact is even if you left him you'd have to eventually forgive him. Not because he deserved it, but because you do. Forgiveness is pretty word for letting go. We like to pretend it's some kind of grand miraculous gesture. It's not. It's the act of choosing to no longer be chained by the actions of another. It's detachment in another form. I've forgiven my step-father because it's what's best for me. I've forgiven my mother. My ex-H. My current H. Not because any of them deserved it, but because all of the weight I had to bare holding on. IMHO it isn't so much let bygones be bygones as it is giving yourself permission to live your life without the actions of others holding you back.
My point with all this is H is trying, H is moving on and has every desire to move on WITH you. I think it's ok to sit in your feelings when they wash over you like that. I think it's ok to not forget about the lost years in your MR and why they were lost years. I think though that if you really want MR 2.0 that you have to be part of that process to. You have to make the choice to leave MR 1.0 behind. These sitches are like forest fires. The devastation is impossible to deny, but with time it all grows back sometimes even more beautifully than before. You weren't fortunate enough for it to have been a controlled burn. But this is the lot you've been dealt. Is it worth your time to focus on how you got to regrowth or is it time better spent cultivating what's left to be better than it was before?
Are you still wanting a future R with this women? Or are you okay having her as a friend.
I haven't seen her for over 18 months. This is the first contact I've had from her since around October last year. I'd be fine having her as a friend. But then, I've managed without all this time since D...
I'm still amazed at the sheer amount of STUFF I'm able to accomplish in my own time, and not feel like I'm missing out by not being in a R or M.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Personally, I would not want my XW for a tax customer.
Haha - I know what you mean! It was infuriating explaining it all to her as she would always switch off after 20 seconds and shout "Boring!" *shakes head*
Originally Posted by LH19
I would respond but keep it 100% business.
I did this. It was a four line email - I said hi, answered the question, and signed off politely. Didn't mention the refund. When they contact me I'll ask them to contact her and they can sort it out between themselves.
You are doing very well and asking good questions. This is a bizarre situation to explore and I hope I shed some light for you.D
Hi DnJ, you did for sure! thanks a lot!
Originally Posted by DnJ
H saying he has a problem is a good sign. It is one data point among many. Do not read too much into it. Remember, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Is H seeking help? Looking for a IC? Aside from his words, what actions is he implementing?D
He says he is seeing a psychiatrist since the beginning of March, that would be an action, but as you stated above, is he telling the truth? I wouldn't know. At the end, it always comes to the same answer. We dit not break them, therefore we cannot fix them, so let it go.
(1) Women prefer confidence--so address any areas of your life you're unhappy with--e.g., for me a messy car and home
It is said over and over for a reason. And I think once you start to get that confidence back you witness it first hand. Quiet confidence, not cockiness or arrogance.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
(2) Women prefer men with standards, so don't be shy to check potential partners against yours, and don't compromise your values.
The ones worth getting to know do.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
(3), men over-compliment women so no more than one compliment per date. I enjoy expressing gratitude and compliments, and I'm not going to change who I am just to attract people. I'm pretty attractive as-is.
I both agree and disagree with this. I'm all for you being you and owning it. I suppose where the idea that men over-compliment comes from is when it is done to try and win over someone and to get something in return. Comes back to that confidence thing again.
STBXH and I do not share biological kids... but I love my stepkids... it's nice to know they think of me as well. And this is the reason I do not block him. If he ever reached out due to a family emergency and I was being immature and blocked him I would never forgive myself.
I accept the lot I've chosen by my actions but not my heart that I'm friendzoned. It is what it is.
It's hard raising kids that aren't yours for for many reasons... firstly you're not their parent and it's easy for them to hate you because you're not their parent. I had broad shoulders and I carried that anger. I preferred they didnt like me if it meant they didnt blame their dad.
It's nice to know that my sacrifices were not unnoticed.
This just made my entire year! ♥️
There is not reason to block your stbxh for that reason. My guess is you will continue this game with him until he either gets remarried or you find someone else.
Glad to hear it made your year! Onward and upward!
“May I release my ego’s need to defend myself. May I have the courage to live in alignment - walking in the integrity of my own unique path. May I forgive the parts of myself that become reactive when I’m misunderstood. May I continue to show up over and over again as I learn to trust that everything is happening to serve my evolution and the greater good of the collective.”
That's a fantastic quote!
Happy Mother's Day, DejaVu, and congratz on the flower bouquet and what that may symbolize. (:
Hey Core I am really sorry but you got through probably the toughest part. It's true what they say kids are resilient. You got a tough road ahead but you will get through it
LH, I am right there with you. That was probably the last remaining highly difficult part. Not to say its clear sailing from here by any means but the worst of the worst parts are over.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Sorry Core, your STBXW is in typical WAS mode: checking off the boxes. Telling the kids is one of the boxes. I know this was not what you wanted, but like I said before, as long as your sitch has been going the kids are already picking up on signals that all isn't right. So it had to happen at some point. I agree your WAW should have been open to more constructive ways of doing it, especially since your kids are so young, but now that it has all you can do is become the best dad for them that you can be!
Core any update on your DBing? How is GAL going? Any work on your 180s and self-improvements? Do you feel like you've made progress on emotional detachment?
Thanks for the questions Steve and for holding my feet to the DB fire here. I didn't want this D 100% until the day the judge signed the papers. There is no going back for me. My Ex was abusive, puts the kids needs after her own, disrespected my family and I, and I see nothing of the woman I loved in there.
Emotional detachment wise, I'd say the process is complete. Shamefully as an emotionally sensitive dude, others emotions can get to me but hers do less than just about anyone else. I don't seek to share much of anything with her except to keep things peaceful for the kids. When she comes at me with targeted emotions it rolls right off or I walk away.
GAL, 180s and self improvements - I've slid back on all. I've spent the last few months reassessing everything in my life. Politics, friends, family, future, goals. I've figured out where I want to be on most of those facets. My old goals I've tossed. I have zero interest in getting remarried and zero interest in any relationship with ExW besides when it involves the kids. I'll be honest, after all that's happened and what I learned, I have no interest in anything but casual relationships with women in my area. Realizing these things, I stopped working on attraction, cut back time at the gym. My kids get more time, my father does, I've visited a few friends not paranoid by the bug and I'm learning some self defense. The city I live in has some upheaval going on and I have many years being stuck here. The bulk of my free time has been put in to finances and getting ready for my move. I'm most of the way there and can't wait! The downside being less time with the kids but I'll have them half the time thankfully and the home will be clean, unchaotic and safe. Looking forward to painting, having my own stuff out and not having to battle with unreasonable adult feelings everyday. Once I'm settled in, I'm starting a channel for kids on the net, and I'm planning out a second side project down the line. I've planned out how I'll get ahead in finances for 1-3 years to cut down mortgage interest and boost my 401k back up. Just a few days and I get the mental space I've been struggling for. I've built a new budget, got set up for a promotion at work and have almost correct high blood pressure with some changes in behaviors.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi Core, your kids will learn what D means in bits and pieces. My (then) D7 took D much easier than my S2. D7 understood me when when I said, "You'll see Daddy in 2 days and can call me anytime." and she appreciated finally having a bedroom she could call her own. S2 didn't understand until he had to leave me to go with mommy. He'd only go with her if I stayed on the phone talking as I drove away. A couple of years later, the kids get it, adjust to the pros and cons (which hopefully includes more quality parent-child time, less arguing, and two happier parents). S doesn't remember and D barely remembers a married home. (:
That's good to know CW. I'm sure my S2 will be in a similar boat. Poor guy couldn't give a darn when we told him but thats because he has no idea what it means and how he would be affected. I think the hardest part for him is to come. I think for D5 the hardest part just happened. From here, it becomes part of their day to day lifestyle now.