So how we got here is so nuanced, which I guess in any relationship it is. Sometimes I don't even know where to start. So many layers, so many reasons. Like anything, it's hardly black and white, or one reason specifically, it's a multitude. Not that that will give any clarity for you but hopefully this can allow you to understand more of the scope of where I'm coming from. When we married you were a stable and loving presence in my life and for that I will always be grateful. I was a mess when we met. I hadn't really been on my own, had no idea who I was. You have always been a man who honors commitment and is extremely loyal and created a safe haven. I've always respected you so much for that. Despite my apprehensions, I was also hopeful that it would get better for both of us. For the beginning years of our kids, you were present, helpful, stable, loving. Somewhere around when the kids became more independent though it shifted especially the last few years. You sat in the basement and removed yourself most nights. You helped with rides and sports but were rarely present otherwise. We rarely hung out and I felt disconnected and emotionally neglected. In addition to handling my own emotions I had to handle all of the girls as well. On top of that for most of our marriage the drinking was an issue. Countless times I expressed how uncomfortable it made me, how triggering it was. You disregarded me most times, often placing the blame back on me....it's my issue, my problems with my dad. Again leaving me emotionally abandoned and dealing with past trauma on my own. It almost felt like a form of emotional abuse. Blame the victim for their feelings. You wouldn't go to therapy, everything was my issue, not yours. When I got to the point 8 years ago that was a huge part of it. I knew I didn't love you (or love you anymore) and that that emotional abandonment was a huge part of it. I learned to take care of the kids myself, especially emotionally as well as physically. To some degree I wonder how much I ever felt that emotionally connected, given a huge part of our relationship in the beginning involved alcohol. All of these doubts and misgivings were coming to fruition. I I had to do a huge amount of soul searching for how I really felt and what I needed. All the while I was doing this solo. When you traveled it was a source of relief because it was one less persons emotions to handle. You either grow and evolve with someone in a marriage or you don't. You've always maintained (or previously did) that you had already gone through that growth. Maybe the age was a factor? However, the truth is you never stop growing. I just didn't have anyone to emotionally or spiritually grow with.
I've been growing and evolving for a very long time on my own and I've come to the point where I can't go back. I've compartmentalized for 8 years learning to be self-sufficient and ride this journey solo. For me now the only option is forward. My heart has been so broken for so long that it has it's learning to heal on its own (and I have a lot more healing to do). To go back is denying how far I've come and what I really need for myself in the future. Lately you've been incredible, you've stepped up as dad in so many ways. You tried to fix our marriage. You've been an incredible partner with kids, it's like a 180 and they notice too. We will always be partners to some degree because we are co-parents. I don't regret any of the 15 years married we shared. We have 3 beautiful amazing girls. (Seriously, I think we're doing an darn good job) We balance them well. We've had incredible times together, creating amazing memories (which we will continue to do!). Lately I feel incredibly blessed that I have you as a co-parent to be their dad. We are so lucky. Truth is, this is an absolutely terrifying next chapter but I've denied myself and my feelings for far too long. Drumming up the courage for this has been taking everything of me but I know it's right. Things will change, and it will be hard for all of us but I know it will be okay. When we met one of the things you always said was you loved my optimism but the truth is you bring just as much. I don't know if this even covers all of everything that I've been feeling but this is just some of everything I've been processing.
XX W
How did you feel reading that ?
Do you feel that there is any truth in her words ???
As for a response....
I would say....
Thank you for sharing
Any words from you that she perceives as contradictory, will only invalidate her feelings.
She's moved on and the family that you once had is most likely gone forever. That is often a hard pill to swallow. Couple that with the fact that you haven't found the right person yet so your future is unclear. This is all normal and will fade in time. Unfortunately in this game of life there are no shortcuts. You will feel indifferent one day.
That certainly may be possible. I guess trying to deal with everything (divorce, moving, etc, etc), the thought of another guy in my sons life didn't cross my mind that often.
At the moment, leave the ball in H’s court. He moved out. He signed the 6 month lease. He’s got a few months to come forward and start a discussion.
As you said, their minds are mush, and H will very likely not do anything for a while, leaving coming back or re-leasing to the last minute. Both of which could very well get derailed if he doesn’t display/take on his responsibilities.
This was an agreed to, 6 month trial separation. It is therefore implied, and not unreasonable, that answers/direction are due at the end of it. It would be perfectly fine to find out what the heck is going on. If nothing transpired before, I’d bring it up at the end of month five.
So, two months. What to do?
Crank up the heat. Let him feel the loss. Let him experience this trial.
You have boundaries. State them. And stick to them.
You know what kind of treatment you do not want, again.
If H violates your boundaries or treats you like before, enact consequences. Pull back. Let him stew.
I do see hope here. However, timelines.
By the end of month six, what are you hoping to see? What displayed behaviours? What said words?
My view of what to shoot for (with some prognosticating ): H likely will not bring up any serious talk. Therefore, at the end of month five, you bring it up. If discussions go reasonable, and H wants to return, he is still going to re-new another 6 month lease.
6 months to prove he is over AP. That is absolutely no contact! Period! H must be 6 continuous months of no contact with AP. If he reaches out, for any reason, the timer resets. And he starts another six months. (By the way, for me I’d utilize 12 months. A full year!)
To me, returning, the desire to return, needs to be that strong. The willingness, the displayed willingness and behaviour needs to be that strong. H has to prove he has changed.
It’s a big demand. Well, actually not, for one who has truly changed.
Anyhow, the 6 months is also a time of dating. Further proving he wants to be with you, and displaying his new and improved self. It’s also a time of displaying your new and improved proved self.
You’ve made sincere positive changes. Gained much hard-earned wisdom. Stuff you are not willing to hide or toss aside. H might not appreciate your growth.
I consider if my XW and I were ever to date again. It’s been seven years, lots has happened in my life. I’ve gained so much. And I will not sell myself short. I would likewise suspect, her years have altered her as well. We might not be compatible. Hence, you dating H before moving back in.
That’s the approach or road map I’d consider. H is going to re-new his lease, regardless. You will likely have to bring up the discussion. Counselling and such will occur during the following half year (and likely beyond).
H still needs time and space. Give it to him. Let him choke on it. You don’t want him running again.
Fear is an emotion. And like all emotions, it is rises from the non-rational realm.
Fear is an evolved defence strategy reaction. It amps up our adrenaline in preparation for fight or flight. Problem is, modern day. Not many sabre-tooth tigers lurking in the trees waiting to pounce. That crippling fear is modern day problems with prehistoric lizard brain reactions.
Fear is triggered by our imaged future. Not by what is before us. Fear is rooted in imagined unwanted future possibilities.
Once some imagined future comes to pass, it becomes a problem. And very few things we worry, fret, and fear over actually become problems. Anyhow, once something becomes an actual problem it is no longer in the imagined realm. This shifts “it” from non-rational emotional realm to our intellectual realm where we deal with said problem sans emotions, sans fear.
Fear is similar to our non-detachment reactions. Months and months of high alert, and adrenaline. Which is not healthy. Our fears lasting well after the “tiger” has actually gone away. But why?
Reinforcement of that fear emotions. Tying our feeling to something which triggers our fear.
Letting go of fear is similar to finding detachment. Rationalizing and understanding one’s self and reactions really helps cleave the feedback loop and uncouple the trigger.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I fear that H won't respond to me regarding upcoming business items in the new year. There are tax returns (filing jointly provides many benefits, as selfish as that is). There is D's graduation and the car we planned to buy as a gift to her (which basically will be at my expense but the trade-in is in both our names so I'll need his signature). There is a family wedding (his side) that I want to attend but question if I am emotionally prepared for. And more...
Fear is always regarding self. Regarding oneself getting hurt, feeling some manner of pain. Always.
We often say we fear for our children. Yet, no. The fear is truly tied to our feelings, to the hurt we would experience. Certainly we are looking out for our children’s well-being, and with our experience and wisdom can perhaps foresee things they do not or choose not to. Our worry and fear over what might happen to them, is actually worrying about what might happen to us.
Remember, I’m talking about fear. That pervasive force. Those insidious tentacles that bind us, paralyze us. The overwhelming feeling that strips away reason.
The imagined outcomes are usually quite reasonable and rational. Take your example, joint filing of tax; purchase of a car; etc. All rational foreseeable imagined possibilities.
Fear is about possibilities. Not probability. Probability is not a requisite. It doesn’t matter how small a chance, we can fear it. For example, I fear spiders. Just the sight of them. Why? I fear getting bit. That imagined pain. The neurotoxin paralyzing me as digestive enzymes slowing dissolve me alive. It doesn’t matter that I am much much bigger than the wee spider. It doesn’t matter that the spider is ten feet away. I can imagine it jumping or flying or some other irrational action and get to me. Fear is our irrational response to stimulus. Fear reinforces and feedbacks and triggers itself. Rationalize and cleave those avenues of feedback.
Fear is normal. A perfectly normal response. The emotional understanding in this, let it go. Yes, we get triggered by some unexpected surprise stimulus. Have a fear response. Then let it go. Do not let fear rule you. Do not let fear decide for you.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I know that I can't control his reactions. His emotions. His coping tactics. And, as such, I will handle the new year business items as they come.
Absolutely!
H may monster. He might not.
H may hold back his signature. Not file joint taxes. Or not.
Ask yourself this. Imagine this.
So what if he does?
You will find a way. As soon as it were to happen you’d handle it. You’d figure something out. And you’d immediately not have any fear (regarding that particular thing). Even now, imagining, I suspect you feel less fearful. More in the rational “ok, H did that. Now how will I handle the fallout.”
H cannot hurt you. He simply isn’t that powerful. Once you realize that, truly realize that, you become fearless.
Fearless is not reckless. Danger still exists. Harm still exists. (I don’t go around goading spiders to bite me. lol) You just aren’t stuck in that place of worry and uncertainty. You can better exercise the agency you have.
Originally Posted by MamaG
D and I were in a convo where she was venting that she doesn't want to see Dad and is unsure of what she'll do for his birthday. D initiated convo. She also shared that she's mad at S because he was pressuring her into seeing Dad - perhaps breakfast. I admitted in this convo that I am not sending any message/gift. Immediately, D was upset and monstered at me. Wish I hadn't told her. D isn't a friend. D is my daughter who needs me to be a stable parent. The only stable parent for now.
Daughter and son need, and will, find their way. (Don’t fret or fear. And if/when you do, consider why and who it’s truly deeply for. )
Be the strong stable parent. Tell daughter directly, “It’s perfectly ok not to see Dad. Even on his birthday.” You can even promote a discussion of why she doesn’t want to. And some of the benefits and repercussions of her decisions. Gentle steering. Having her back.
Same for son. It’s ok to see Dad. It’s ok for daughter not to.
Your admitting to daughter that you are not sending a gift or message was good. I agree with that. Do not wish you didn’t. Do not live in the shadows around those you care for and love the most. Leading by example, isn’t from the shadows. Stand in the light. Shine.
Daughter got upset. Good. She has plenty of emotions she needs to let out. And you, being the strong stable parent, are going to get it. She cannot blast Dad. She can’t risk losing him. Not yet. In time, she will grow and work through her feelings and fears. In time, she will lash out at Dad. Until then, you will receive it. Realize, it’s a good thing. It feels horrible. Yet, it is a good thing and helps daughter to process.
Believe me, I’ve been there. Four kids. All at different places along their journeys, and myself a mess back then, getting blasted for stuff I didn’t do, stuff I did. Compassion and understanding really gets a work out.
You only mentioned you’re not messaging Dad or getting him a gift. You didn’t tell daughter not to. Her getting mad and upset, likely has nothing to with Dad’s birthday. It’s about coming to terms with Mom and Dad’s relationship and the mess things are in. It’s about the possibility of divorce. Of having divorced parents. Of how daughter will hurt because of that. It’s because she is grieving.
Be Mom. Be fearless. Live in the light. Lead by example. Lead with compassion and understanding.
Hi Catman. Sorry to hear things dragged along. I hope you're doing as well as reasonably possible these last few days since you posted. I can't imagine the hurt, doubt, regret and other completely reasonable thoughts and feelings you're experiencing. It is, unfortunately, something one has to endure and I hope you're better equipped to do it by leveraging what you're learned here to take at least some small edge off the experience. I hope to see an update soon and please let us know if we might be able to specifically respond to anything else that might be popping into your thoughts.
Hard to believe it has been ~ 2 months since my last update. Once more, I am happy to share that things continue to go well. Our MC is excellent. She is very fair and I suspect is also working specifically on W's anxiety issues and helping to resolve past trauma indirectly under the cover of our counseling. D14 is thriving at school in terms of grades, athletics, socially, and overall well-being. We both are making an effort to be clearer with what we need or want. We're having omre future-focused conversations (about retirement, home improvements, travel, etc.) than we've had in many years. W is still struggling when she thinks about interactiing with my mother as the holidays approach. MC is pushing W on why W continues to hang on to past, negative interactions and even suggested having my mother join a session to resolve whatever is between them (competition of for my attention - I guess that might be a different way of being the "prize"). W seems to be softening up a bit as the holidays approach and acknowledges she needs to speak up more as my SIL does by comparison (and my mom seems to back off/down when she crosses a boundary). Time will tell.
I'm continuing to focus on my well-being at the same time. All the DB work, and much of what MWD says in Change Your Life, has been beneficial across my life. Work, friendships, and other interactions all seem to be going more positively than I can recall before really putting this work in and re-shaping my habits. I'm also trying to help D14, my team, and other friends around me learn some of the MWD and solutions-based practices discussed here.
To those of you dealing with a recent bomb drop, facing a partner with a MLC, dealing with infidelity or mental health challenges, I want to emphasize the need to STAY THE COURSE. One way or the other, it will pay off. You can definitely emerge from the experience as an improved version and an increasingly better version of you can be. I recall how hopeless things felt (both times I've faced a potential D). With the pandemic, global crises, the election here in the U.S. - and all the usual challenges we can face in our daily lives, I recognize how overwhelming things may have gotten for you. Don't give up on yourself. This community remains available to support you. The wonderful author of these books and sponsor of this board....who many of us may never meet....continues to keep this website alive and accessible. Take advantage of it!
I hope to be more present on the board offering whatever help I can now that things are slowing down a bit as the holidays approach. I look forward to catching up with longer-term members, meeting new ones, and trying to pay forward the generosity that continues to exist here in our little corner of the web. Until next time....Mr P.
I am by no means and expert as I am just plugging along in this please as well, but one coach I had for a few sessions told me "you are going to be wrong no matter what you do, so do what you feel is right. it is better to wrong for doing the right thing than wrong for doing something that is against your character." So I always go with that.
As far as her throwing it at you that you are just now doing this stuff that she wanted you to do and probably stuff that you should have but couldn't. I can say from a women's point (we can be ugly sometimes) I have felt the same. (In fact I am hoping that I can keep this point of view out of my head when/if he wakes up and starts to be a husband) we always have the view that you are only doing things now because it is you afraid of that you are loosing something.
My Husband has had a pattern for most of our marriage that he would never help or do anything till I was about to be done. Then he would work on things for a month and then it would be back to normal. So we will say that stuff till we see that it is actually who you are becoming. Again we all need to make these changes because they are the right thing to do and keep the changes.
My Ex Husband did the same thing and never wanted to get a job or stop drinking till i was out the door. But it only last a few weeks and then back. I think with anything consistency and Just being the person that you want to be weather they like it or not. They are going to be mad about anything for a while.
The aftershocks still hit me once in a while. just like described when I first landed here
Originally Posted by grok
Though every day at random times it feels like a mountain fell on me. I can't breathe, can't see, can't think, my hands shake, I feel flattened to nothingness and tears fall ... and then the world starts again.
I keep turning it over in my heart and mind…the predicted point at which I find my self, the LBS…. Despite the void, I’m not sure I want HER back after all she has chosen these last two years. I start to find my peace and equilibrium. What price to give it up?
But
No time for pity parties
... What comes after?
After - by Dillon Chase ft. Thomas Iannucci
Thought I knew what I needed God to come and relieve this I was down in the furnace No peace I'm in pieces Tell me you love me yeah Tell me why you took that from me yeah If you want me to look like you Then why my life been so ugly Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah I really waste a lot of time in my life when I try to be God And when I try to be Him do I really want to see Him or do I want grief gone But maybe in the fire every chain on me expires and I get to see dawn No smoke we are never revoked we held close by the notes of the King's song
And we ain't got no time for pity parties We throw a party in the pit let's get it started We blessed and broken left out cold but that don't matter We celebrate cus' we know what's coming after
We celebrate cus' we know what's coming after We celebrate cus' we know what's coming after
I made it seven days no contact! He contacted me and I did not respond.
Well done!
Give yourself a good 24-48 hours before responding, if at all. The couple of days grace allows your emotions to calm and to see if his communication even requires a response.
Originally Posted by lonelee
I have also scheduled an appt with a lawyer to get some questions answered for myself for some piece of mind even though neither of us are thinking we want to divorce at this time. I'm curious about the need for a legal separation, perhaps.
Knowledge is power. It is wise to seek counsel. To gain information about your situation - rights, responsibilities, legal options, likely outcomes of said legal options/actions, and so forth.
If you need financial protection or security, get it. Elsewise, leave the heavy-lifting to H. (IMHO )
Originally Posted by lonelee
I'm feeling ok but just feel like some outside unbiased solutions/suggestions would benefit me.
Reading, journalling, self improvement books, the inner work, engaging with supportive family and friends, all good stuff. Also, GAL!
Get out and do something - for you! With you! Go for a walk, a jog, a run. Dig a garden, shovel snow. Go to the gym, join a kickboxing class, beat up a punching bag, whatever. Sweat out those feelings. While engaged in activity one let’s go of (doesn’t focus/reenforce) their feelings for a while.
We all live and travel four roads/paths - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. These are all interconnected and influence each other. Feeling sad causes similar thoughts and moping around, for example.
Out of the four paths/facets, we only directly control two: physical and intellectual. Our thoughts, actions, and reactions. We directly control those. We have the ability to immediately escalate or extinguish our actions or thoughts. Which in turn affects emotions and beliefs.
Emotions are born from our non-rational realm. They can be triggered or initiated by thoughts, activities, and other inputs; both internal and external. Feelings are quick to rise and quick to extinguish, if/when not reenforced. Feelings are fleeting. As one’s subconscious calms so do their emotions.
Beliefs, values, convictions - the spiritual path - is the slowest to alter or change. This slowness to change, this lack of knee jerk altering, makes this particular path excellent for one’s headings and direction. Especially, once one has categorized and (re)realized their underlying tenets and values. Strengthening that which serves, crafting that which one aspires to, and discarding/altering that which no longer/doesn’t serve.
To follow one’s deeply held tenets brings very few regrets. (Decisions based upon emotions almost always lead to regret, for the “reason” for the decision extinguished rather quickly and the consequences can be very long lasting, even permanent.)
However, that belief work is a long project, and one needs to be detached.
To influence one’s emotions, to influence one’s detachment:
As mentioned earlier, it is interesting how our emotions affect our thoughts and activities. The converse is equally interesting and very important. One’s thoughts and physical activity affect/influence one’s emotions (and beliefs). And we control our physical activity and thoughts!
An experiment/example:
Smile. Right now. Smile.
Bigger.
Curl your lips up. Show a little teeth.
Ok, relax.
Now, frown.
A big, pouting frown. Lips and forehead pursed down.
Ok, relax.
See how when smiling, you felt happier?
See how when frowning, you felt sadder or less happy?
Even forced smiling and frowning, affected your mood/emotions.
Our subconscious reaction is just that - a reaction. And we can directly influence it. Note: not directly control it, influence it. We directly control the stimulus. The thoughts and actions.
This is the “magic” of GAL. Living and loving your life. Doing things for you. Focusing on you. Finding you. Picking up hobbies and joyful activities you likely set aside for marriage and family. We all did, by the way. Responsibilities, work, kids, etc, all commanding/requiring parts of our day. Along the journey, over the years, we lose touch with some of that deeply held, profoundly held, joy and identity. Find you - again.
Likely, you will discover you are not far off the mark. You lived/live authentically. You just feel lost.
Detachment. Time and space. Finding you. Allows those feelings to flit. Yes, new feelings will pop up, and one allows those to flit as well.
Eventually one’s beliefs likewise (re)discover/regain their foothold too. Which definitely promotes and influences one’s tenets.
We live on these fours paths; like cars along life’s highway. When your four cars - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual - are all travelling together, side by side, the same speed, and the same direction, you have peace and contentment.
All journeys, no matter how epic and grand, all start with a wee step.
It can start with the smallest of actions - a smile. A walk.
I’m glad you dropped in. It’s good to hear from you.
Originally Posted by Pack_19
I am reaching a place where hearing about OMs does not affect my peace; I never thought I’d be able to say that.
Well done!
Pretty sweet, isn’t it?
Originally Posted by Pack_19
Today marks the last month I have to pay alimony
Yay! The extra funds will be welcomed I’m sure.
Originally Posted by Pack_19
and that has driven me to seek support here again.
Let’s have a look.
Originally Posted by Pack_19
We’ve often said that I cannot feel guilty for what she offers or doesn't offer the kids when they’re with her. We’ve also said that no matter how much I pay her, it wouldn’t change the fact that she is free to spend it however she wants. I am working on reframing my thoughts: I will always give my children what they need—that is all I can do. Her financial situation is no longer my concern. It has been five years since BD, and she left me at home. LH once said not to become bitter over money, not to be that man, and I keep that thought in mind. Yet here I am, still wondering if this makes me selfish...
Yes, reframing/controlling your thoughts will alter/clarify things. In that vein, a few underpinnings you should consider:
- “I cannot feel guilty for what she offers or doesn't offer the kids when they’re with her.”
You can feel however you feel. For you do and will. Stating you cannot, when you can or do, leads to confusion and not accepting of said feelings. And it is hard to move forward with such.
I am not culpable, nor responsible, for what she offers or doesn’t offer the kids when they’re with her.
That statement is accurate and correct. You can feel all kinds of things. Acknowledge them. Let them go. In the end, you control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Not XW or her action/inaction.
- “no matter how much I pay her, it wouldn’t change the fact that she is free to spend it however she wants.”
Sort of. She is free to spend alimony however she wishes to. Child support is supposed to be allocated to the children and their expenses. She is not completely free to do whatever she wishes with those funds. That being said, policing that would be a nightmare. And not your job.
Yes, her financial situation is no longer your concern. Or responsibility. Or Problem. It’s not. So you don’t need to fix it. (Yay!)
“Yet here I am, still wondering if this makes me selfish...”
I guess you have some feelings of being selfish. Remember, feelings do not equate to facts. Such feelings are likely stirred up due to this being the last month of alimony.
Rationalizing, looking at the facts of things, helps quell and understand the emotions and their triggers. The what and why of your feelings.
You were married for five years, and paid the requisite alimony due to the duration of the marriage.
I am suspecting XW’s financial picture is less robust than your’s. You’re building a house, making a home, with bedrooms for the kids. Starting a business. Living and loving life. You’ve worked hard to get here. No need to feel guilty or selfish about your efforts, nor the dividends now being paid out from those efforts and hard work.
Or, if XW’s financial picture is brighter than your’s. That’s ok. Let it go.
Either way, alimony is complete. Just child support - and maybe with 50/50 custody there is none, or minimal.
Originally Posted by Pack_19
I have many thoughts about the sacrifices I made to be close to S11 and S6. They truly are the best part of my life, which shows in every trip, party, weekend outing, and bedtime reading session. However, I feel like I have distanced myself from the ambitious young man I was in my 20s who wanted to live in a large metropolitan city and have an amazing career. Starting a business from Spain in cloud artificial intelligence is proving challenging, and balancing it with my full-time job is consuming my days. But I see it as the only way to reconnect with that part of me.
Everyone makes sacrifices. Oftentimes, those sacrifices are made unwittingly and unknowingly.
People sacrifice their financial future to go on a trip they can’t really afford, purchase a car, or whatever. Some folks made life sacrifices by not attending class back in high school. Some sacrifice their time with family for their career. And on and on.
We cannot have it all! That’s the big lie. Yet, people run around, live their lives, like they can have it all.
Unwittingly and unknowingly. People ignore and defer the cost for immediate gratification. Yet, the bill comes due. It always does.
You see your sacrifices. The cost. The reason why. The choice. It truly is sacrificing one thing for another.
The luckily few, see this. See the cost and choice. The wise few make the choice. It’s within your control. Ah, accountability. If there ever was a bane of modern society. lol. Being accountable. Owning your actions and choices. Even those you made unwittingly.
Anyhow, you see this. And with that vision, sacrifice becomes investment. You choose to invest in something, rather than sacrifice something. Yes, it’s a bit of semantics, and yet more. When one accepts they cannot have it all, they can choose to invest in what they truly need and/or desire.
Kids and their futures for example. What are you willing to sacrifice for such an investment? What is a sensible sacrifice? Fully realizing that your financial success has a factor upon their future too.
Of course, your most precious resource is time. One of my life-long tenets was/is, “when given a choice between time and money, always choose time”.
One of my best, well one I am most proud of, investments/sacrifices was paying off my mortgage. I could see the writing on the wall from my employer, and the pressures they could, and were, exerting upon their staff. Forcing them to move.
I (and XW) purposefully chose to forgo a few years (seven actually) of vacation and get the mortgage paid off. And out from under the heal of my employer’s boot. We still had vacations, just more local is all.
After those years, with the extra monthly funds, the street was much easier. The extra years of said monies funding many vacations, trips, kids activities, and their future schooling. And yes, I/we did manage to remain in our house, even with all the shenanigans from my employer. I did have to commute for over two decades however. Sacrifice/investment. There is always a cost. I made mine with purpose.
Anyhow, just some musings of a single Dad of four grown successful kids. (With my first Grandkids on the way. And twins!! Gosh, Grandpa DnJ.)
): H likely will not bring up any serious talk. Therefore, at the end of month five, you bring it up. If discussions go reasonable, and H wants to return, he is still going to re-new another 6 month lease.