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Re: Next Chapter Cadet 2 hours ago
Originally Posted by DnJ
Mom: I’m fine too. I’ve got to go. Goodbye. <click>

Sounds about right!

Sorry I gotta go too!

smile smile smile
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Re: Sooo many unknowns Whatlee 4 hours ago
Thank you

I do read other threads on here it helps take my mind off of my situation and gives insight into what I'm dealing with. I do have an atty cause H filed for D back in Sept(nothing has happened since). I don't want a D, it's just thoughts that go through my head in my alone time. Like is the only reason he isn't D'ing is because he doesn't want to pay spousal support, in the meantime he's doing whatever he wants, with whoever he wants and I'm living in a camper. It's those kinda thoughts that I deal with. I have to tell myself it's the devil and he has to flee at the name of Jesus.
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Re: Grief and Gratitude, Grok grok 6 hours ago
On increased emotional sensitivity and empathy...

Wow, it is often mentioned here how emotional sensitivity and empathy increase after BD. I can testify to the truth of this. It broke my walls and shields. Exposed all the raw receptors. It hurts. For example

in the evening last week, D19 had just come home from work and D17 come over to mess around with her. You know... Sisters... Teasing began and escalated to pillows. And harder blows.

D17 SHRIEKS in PAIN and TERROR suddenly.
D19, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry ...." her face red and fear and shame and concern all over. Tears begin. She curls up hugging a pillow. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry ...."
D17, "STAY AWAY FROM ME!" Wailing. Crying. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" "GET AWAY!" She curls up into herself on the other couch with hands over her ear. The one with the new piercing.
D19, "I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to, DAD, I didn't mean to..."

G, "D19, I know. It will be OK. D17, a hug first?"
D17, "NO! STAY AWAY FROM ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!" she runs upstairs to a bathroom and closes the door. crying. fear on her face.
D19, "DAD! I wouldn't hurt her! I wouldn't! I didn't mean to! I'm sorry....I'm...sorry" she is now curled up into herself also. tears everywhere.
G, "I know you wouldn't. It will be OK. I'll go check on your sister."

I know what happened. It will be OK. but right now...with all this emoting and pain from each daughter in their immediate desperation...I could FEEL what EACH daughter was feeling. Tears in MY eyes. Lump in MY throat. Weight on MY chest. Reaction chemicals flooding MY system. Was this emotional overload what W was looking for relief from? Why they run?

G, "D17, I'm here. Will you let me see? Let me check your piercing and the post. "
She opens the door, "Dad, ....I..."
G, "I know D17. You felt hurt and scared. It hurt a lot to have the new piercing hit. And it was SCARY. And you are worried about injuring the piercing. And because of the warnings about not to touch or move a new piercing because of healing and infection. I know. You will be OK."
D17, "...yes..."

I looked her over and she is fine. Just shaken up from the pain and fear. I give her hugs. I have to visualize a stop sign to halt my own continuing reactions. thinking remain their solid rock G.
G, "D17, you know she didn't mean to hurt you. She is sorry and feels REALLY bad. Accept her apologies, OK."
D17 hesitates, then nods. She knows but is not quite ready for it.

I go back downstairs to D19 and give her a hug.
G, "D19, she knows you didn't mean it. It was still painful and scary. Just apologize when she comes down and then leave it alone. OK?"
D19 sobs, "OK Dad. I would never hurt her on purpose. I wouldn't!" she is still hiding her face. tears still falling.

D17 comes downstairs and slowly walks past D19 and on into the kitchen where I was.
D17 whispers, "dad...she didn't say anything. ?"
G, "I know D17. It feels hard and scary to say sorry when you are upset and mad at her. Give her grace and a chance to say it. Then you leave it be"

After a few minutes puttering around with me in the kitchen she goes into the other room. I hear a low-level conversation. When I next see them, all appears resolved though the reverberations still feel like they are bouncing around the room. I hope I have provided the stable rock without solving their problem. Perhaps a little guidance as Dad.

In all my life I have NEVER been affected by others' emotions like this. I don't have the tools or experience to deal with it. Just typing this out days later still brings tears to my eyes and a lump into my throat all over again.

I'm learning. Learning on the fly. Story of my life.

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Re: 2nd Time Around (Thread #2) MrP Yesterday at 09:00 PM
Just checking back in after some heavy work at the "day job". Things have been cruising along here in Limboland. I'm balancing GALing with being responsive to W's outreach related to MC "assigned" activities, recreating some fun/humor in our relationship, and seemingly everything in our home deciding it was time for repairs/maintenance at once!

Over Mother's Day, I opted to spend it with W, D14, and my in-laws. My mother was unhappy (again if you've continued following my sitch; W and my mother can get to be at odds over where I spend the actual day). My IC and our MC advised that W should come first. Even marital guru John Gottman advises the same in his books. So, I feel like I've been on good, objective ground in that choice. W was pleased that I put her first. Mom...isn't talking for now and that too is understandable to some extent.

W's attorney is pressuring her to make up her mind. W postponed mediation once and seems to be a bit panicky about the L's pressure. She's also worried about continued conflict with my mother. I told her that I see why she feels that way. I gently suggested that it was a good thing she married me and not my mom...trying to balance some humor without invalidating how W feels. We've got another MC appt this week so we'll see what that brings.

I've got two concerns coming up that I'm attending with friends and a whole host of the usual summer graduation parties to attend plus a wedding or two. The nicer weather helps me want to get out of the house and accomplish more, whether fitness-related or just outdoor maintenance work. I may have to swing over to the local brewery tonight to try out their new releases.

Be well, everyone. Keep plugging away at strategies recommended and in MWDs various books. I know how it can feel terrible and like a long path at times. I recall thinking "How will any of this help?" or "But this is the complete opposite of what I feel I should do or want to do". And, keep in mind that you're working on YOURSELF most of all. MWD's book on changing your life and everyone in it is steeped in lots of honest self-work. It means confronting things about yourself that you may not want to surface or like to admit. But, that is where the real work lies. It has made me much more thoughtful about my intentions, and more careful in my word choice and actions, and that work continues. Take care!
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Re: What can I do differently? Catman19 Yesterday at 07:32 PM
Give him the minimal information necessary. Be cordial and kind but don't elaborate on any conversation more than required.

Also, are there any hobbies or interests you have always wanted to pursue? Things you set aside with the business of your married life? Try them out now, even if it's as simple as learning about a new subject or a how to book of something you've wanted to try. Fill your time up with things that bring you joy and you will think less about him and feel better about yourself without consuming your day with thoughts that won't help you. Are there any friends you've lost touch with? Go and have a coffee with them on a nice patio, talk about things completely unrelated to your situation. Ask them questions about how things are with them, it's a great way to learn about people and how we are all different. Think like the french, its a way of life sitting on cafes outside and discussing life and random things, we are inherently social beings and human interaction is built into who we are. Get your mind off of him as much as possible. Once he sees you seem to be getting along nicely without him he will start getting the feeling that you dont need him. In the end you are doing it for yourself.
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Re: Escaping the slow grind Gerda 05/19/24 04:00 AM
Taz,loved reading this update. Sounds like your boys have become great men. I don't know what my kids would have done if I was the MLCer, but I must say that the loss of a father figure is an impossible void for my son, and the impact is never-ending. And for my daughter also an endless source of confusion and pain. Glad yours had a clear-headed and loving dad, it obviously made a huge impact.
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Re: Brave Little Gerda Passes Through the Door Gerda 05/19/24 03:40 AM
Oh gosh, I never even answered this, DnJ. HOW RUDE OF ME! I will soon, I did read it back then and then because of the worst baseboard heaters that basically spit out a tiny little breath of heat that dissipated within an instant in what we call cold and what you call balmy, I took the plunge to have the chimney fixed and put in a fireplace insert to get me through the winter without figuring out what really to do with the heating in general. I will have to revisit that issue in August. I'm always hoping I'll be divorced and not have to worry about my expenses being subpoened every ten minutes, but no matter what I do or don't do or try or don't try, I can't seem to get this guy to stop filing, motioning, threatening, etc., even though I was forced to settle the house with an insane overpayment. This is a long story that I will have to fill in later but overall it seems that this guy does not ever want to be done, he wants to keep finding new reasons to drag me back into court, and the current judge is so dreadful he has found an enabler. As ever, I will promise to respond/update and then have no time for another 6 months to actually do it.
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Re: My Story P6: The rise of the Eagle 2.0 Gerda 05/19/24 03:31 AM
Eagle, I rarely come on here anymore and am way overdue for an update. It was so nice to see your name (name-ish) and to read your update. The wonderful man part sounds impossible! and so nice. Happy that you are feeling so good and sending you all my love.
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Re: Just about Done pt 2 Catman19 05/17/24 09:55 PM
thanks for replies guys, i ramble on a lot here but its a great place to vent and get frustrations out.

I have ceased communicating with her unless its business only and even thats sparse, any attempts to coordinate anything is usually met with no concrete times, dates, etc. So thats clearly not an option. I do not see her, dont talk to her on phone or message, its a waste of energy in my opinion and very unproductive.

Despite all this at least i sense some hope, which is something i havent had in a while, the more it drags on the more the prospect of my new life gives me even a small sense of optimism. I know its no cure or solution to my emotional state, but I am putting myself in the best situation for healing and create a new oppurtunity, and for once in my life I am looking out for my own well being and pursuit of personal happiness, without external input from anyone but the person that stands in the mirror.
She is merely an obstacle to me now, but nothing that I cant surmount. I realized a few months back that she has chosen the wrong path and I have to choose my path now and stick to it.

I long ignored my own intuition and perception of her and my life and now its time to let destiny and fate take me to where i belong.

ill leave with this reading from

2 Timothy 3:1-17
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. ..
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Re: Blindsided 2 aphexx13 05/15/24 05:45 PM
thanks for the support. very good things to digest and work on.
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Re: ongoing journey Mach1 05/15/24 02:17 PM

Bump for Mirage.....
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Re: Wife in crisis Lb23 05/15/24 07:55 AM
Thinking about it a bit more - I have again been down the cheeseless tunnel which is the relationship talk. There is so much blame that is coming my way, and so much regret of her past decisions. The desperation for a different life, with what she has in mind not being workable as a parent.

I am more at ease with where things are going, just daunted by what I will face in the next 2-3 years. And I do want to keep the collateral damage on my kids to a minimum. She has no consideration what her actions are / will do to them…
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Re: Just about done Catman19 05/12/24 08:31 PM
Thanks for kind words

Continuing thread in part 2 as this one has become long:
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Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (14) Ready2Change 05/09/24 06:43 PM

Originally Posted by kas99
I realize I’m stronger now. I know now that I need to maintain my life outside of a relationship. I built a good one and I’m not making the mistake again of wrapping my entire life around one person. I have friends now, hobbies, enjoy my own company, I have a life.

I’m grateful for this site for teaching me this. It was awful getting to this point but now I can honestly say it was worth it.
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Re: Learning the ropes 2 MamaG 05/07/24 09:53 AM
MA, I spent some time reading up on your story today and am astonished on so many levels. My initial BD was around the time of yours - Feb 2023. But, I had no idea that this was a MLC until Feb 2024. I did many things wrong in that year and suffered many tears of confusion, anger, disbelief, etc. As I read through your year, it is so very different from mine. The only window of crazy monstering was from Aug to Oct. There were tough arguments, sadness and discontentment before Aug and then after Oct but not red flag monstering - just marriage issues that we work through. For me, the tough thing is that he runs. Abandoned house, kids, me a month after BD2 and quickly bought a house down the road. H calls that house 'home' and it triggers me. I'm working on that. smile

I am so sorry to hear how much your H monsters and am impressed how you don't get sucked back into his emotions when in the moment. I am weak in comparison to you. And, still question if abandoning H is the right approach. H's family isn't all too engaged or actively concerned.

A comment that caught my eye in your post is, "We met the other week & he was crying saying he feels he has nothing to show for the past 27 years and that he's stepped back in time (he's living in a studio flat, unfurnished, sleeping on a mattress). When we met, his circumstances were similar. I was the wage earner & we lived a good life, nice house, nice holidays etc. I think this was also a trigger for his MLC." Like you, I saved H financially and emotionally some 32 years ago We've lived a co-dependent life but unlike your H, my H contributed to the house and family. H cleaned, picked up, organized, coached, cooked, mowed. He would gaslight and walk away from conflict, but as a whole our co-dependent relationship did run a house and kept the family afloat through busy child rearing days. Interestingly, as I reflect, he didnt do much parenting - that was all on me. My question is: Why do you think that you providing for him triggered the MLC? My H is struggling financially now too, doesn't contribute to 'our' home and has spewed that I make more than he does and he's struggling to pay bills. First, I don't know how to respond to such commentary, but secondly, I'd be interested in learning why you think saving him and financially providing for him could have triggered MLC.

Stay strong - your ability to manage him and your situation is impressive. I don't know that I'd be as strong.
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Re: I need help now that he is coming home jessieht 05/06/24 05:34 PM
Just to add in I realy have been working on myself and doing a lot for myself and kids. I know it isnt about me and i cant fix him or reason with him. It just gets to be a lot with it all up in my face everyday with him being home know. He has been home for about 7 months now. it is getting better when I can almost line draft out where we were a year or two ago. I just need a reset I guess. I hate when i let myself do something that will not benefit me.
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Re: Maturin - My Story (3) Maturin 04/26/24 02:12 PM
Hey MrP, thanks for checking in. I continue to move forward with my process and have filed D. As many here understand this is a tumultuous time and it's taken a lot of energy and focus to remain emotionally resilient for myself and my kids. Being sober has helped enormously as has prioritizing sleep, fitness, and a healthy diet.

I spend a lot of time with my kids especially on weekends and this weekend will be no different. Love it. They are still unaware of what is happening and it breaks my heart to think of what's ahead so I focus on the present.

Highs and lows. I've strayed at times from behaving in the way I want to but each time I find myself re-centering faster, like a rubber band whose elasticity increases with time. Perhaps this is the long-awaited detachment taking hold.

Summer is around the corner and I couldn't be more excited. A good friend just bought a small boat and we plan to spearfish up and down the coast all summer long. I want to teach the kids to surf this year too, something that I spent years doing and brought me a lot of happiness. Camping trips are booked.

So that's all for now. I still check the boards weekly and appreciate you asking after me. Thanks again to everyone who has weighed in and continues to check in.
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Re: blindsided DnJ 04/26/24 01:57 PM
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Re: Rock? Rockon 04/23/24 05:01 AM
Thanks P. Yes it’s slow and documented.
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