So just an update. I've been living in Europe now for almost 4 weeks, I have been dealing with father's health issue and my personality type is I like to do things for others. So I have been going to regular hospital visits to my father's room. That has kept me somewhat busy, the rest of the time I try to enjoy some alone time, driving around, seeing things, eating alone, going to pool on hot days, doing a little bit of gardening, etc. I have begun taking some joy finally doing things by myself and absorbing the new environment, taking joy in small things like architecture, good food, natural features around country. It has given me a sense of appreciation for simplicity in life and given me an almost live every day as if it's my last mentality. Sometimes we ignore so many things around us and we forget how lucky we are to be here. I will randomly strike up conversations with strangers. Say hello or good morning to people I don't know in town, talk more to cousins and family. Enjoy religious festivals and decorations, take in some concerts, watch a couple of sunsets in very scenic places. I have been doing all of this while dealing with family health issues, have an uncle who just had a heart attack as well, and all while I have now approached almost a month after signing or finalizing separation agreement we had drafted up through mediator and agreed on It seems she is trying somehow to bleed me out financially on purpose, and is now seemingly delaying the process in a malicious manner. I am burning through money a lot quicker than necessary as i have had to extend my rental car now 3 times - cant do much where i am without car. My debts are still needing to be paid, all while the money and its a lot sits in trust at the real estate lawyers account My lawyer has now contacted me 4 times and ask me why its taking so long and has already suggested further steps should she not sign the agreement which is already heavily in her favour. All while she clearly continues with om4 Im not letting this get to me emotionally as i have enough to keep me busy and to enjoy but it is a financial drain and ive had to delay my new job here as i need a vehicle for it and ptoceeds of house and separation are tied up. I do not understand at this moment how ridiculous this is becoming. I almost feel like shes trying to have me go back somehow or have me available when her new relationship goes south which it most likely will.
All this being said, the atmosphere here and way of life suits me to a tee, i have found myself smiling a lot more often, enjoying things i previously didnt, making the best of every minute of every day, being grateful for family while i have them around. I joined a dating site when i got here to see what was out there, didnt have much expectations to be honest and was perfectly fine if i didnt meet anyone. I did however get a match, i found someone and have been talking to them for a bit now, she seems very balanced and has a lot of qualities i find important, being alone and seeing my ex taught me a lot of lessons about red flags and qualities i wont tolerate. I am not forcing the relationship and im letting it come as it does, slow and steady, getting to know the person, what their likes are how they see the world, what they want in a partner. I do feel ready to open up to someone new but im not depending on it to go anywhere despite everything being positive until now. If it doesnt go any further im perfectly fine continuing my routine and enjoying my alone time. I feel that for her to be compatible with me she has to compliment my life and not take away from who i am and the values that matter to me, I also do not want to have to change the person to suit me. She seems to tick all the boxes so im willing to give it a shot.
Im glad there hasnt yet been talk of intimacy or even questions asked about my past and if there was I'd be as short and diplomatic as possible. I really dont want that toxicity to leak into this connection She is also here from abroad trying to make a new life for herself and also left evetything behind and is trying to make new friends and wants a man with a good heart that is honest and comoliments her life. I know it probably might be early to enter into a new relatoonship but i do feel ready to let someone in, but only if they are the right person for me and only if it adds to my life. Its amazing how much a new country, being close to family, starting a new life elsewhere can do to the healing process and create an environment conducive to moving forward and rediscovering who you are and what you truly want and not settling for anything less than you deserve
I often see advice for how to respond to myself and donât want to send you down the wrong path.
That's OK. Say what you see. You will see, recognize things I do not.
Originally Posted by MamaG
This is such a hard road.
I have this check of my state. I hold out my hand in front of me. Flat. I see how much it shakes as I try to hold it still. It took over a year to mostly not shake. Now? Only on bad days.
I have a Mormon neighbor who periodically evangelizes the neighborhood door to door. I talk with her and discuss. People of goodwill. Upon hearing the bones of my story she quietly said, "it took me ten years to recover from my divorce. I'll pray for you."
Originally Posted by MamaG
You may not know it, but from time to time I look to your posts for a role model. Reading your quotes and listening to how you handle life inspires me to do better.
Thank you. We encourage each other to survive, do better, then thrive. Just like I receive much from reading others stories, I hope others can take something from mine.
Originally Posted by MamaG
I can see myself in your situation. I also am a leader in IT. I need to keep it together by day. Sometimes itâs just exhausting to stay together when I come home.
Leader in IT? *Laughs* What a history I have. The closest term you could use for me is Systems Engineer in the old sense, not the IT sense. IT was a side effort to enable my other work. My professional IT trail includes - Modifying Intel 486 based computers to speed up rendering of large Autocad models, - In charge of 5 person shop running a 800 person orgâs servers, clients, and network. - Constructing the equivalent of the A+ course and teaching dozens of administrative assistants who had been redesignated as IT support - Evaluating sensor data backhaul systemsâŠSATCOM, internet, synchronous and asynchronous links, fiber, radio, etc⊠- And on
exhausting sometimes? just sometimes? *wry smile* I find it a little easier keeping it together by focusing on just todayâs troubles. Keeping it together one day at a time. For -
Originally Posted by J3B
when I was going through this, my mantra was
Today is not the day that I quit
Maybe I will quit tomorrow, yet I will wait to see what tomorrow brings
Originally Posted by The dance of pursuit and distance
When you detach and distance yourself from your spouse, notice how they start coming around, being nice, etc.? Well, he/she feels that you are not pursuing them. They want the chase, they want you to pursue them so that they can come back and slam dunk you all over again. It's a dance of madness. They may not even be aware of what they are doing, but once you snap up the niceness all over again, they will most definitely come back w/anger to distance themselves from you again for their safety and security.
Man oh man, this is so spot on. I found myself reading this thread again and not only does it make sense, it is happening at this house. I may sound excited. In actuality, I'm more relieved that I didn't totally lose him from lack of responding. I know that if I reached out to a friend this much and didn't get a response, I wouldn't continue reaching out.
Got the morning text from H again that he'll come tonight. Valeska19, I took what you said into consideration and opted to not respond to H at all. This evening, I rec'd a text that tonight isn't going to work as he pulled his hamstring. (Life is really getting real for H. Feeling reality.) It feels horrible to not respond to H despite his many texts but as a result, H is relentless now with his outreaches. Do more of what works and less of what doesn't. I just counted 6 texts to me without a single acknowledgement nor response from me. I've asked myself, when will I respond to H?...I don't want to the "slam dunk". That's for sure.
D was harassed with numerous texts again today. H is trying very differently with her. There are questions about why she doesn't answer him. Comments about he'll always be her dad and that he loves her. Definitely different outreaches. (I'm at peace with this ... just an observation.)
Talked with S for an hour today. I'm so proud of him. He's approaching the close of his first year in his career and learned today that he's up for promotion. I love that he pursued the difficult engineering degree and stuck with it through COVID years. So proud of him. Looking forward to seeing him and GF this weekend as we celebrate my mom's bday. Â For me, today was a day in the city to confirm that cancer hasn't returned. I'm happy to report that not only did I not get chauffeured by H (first time), but I also rec'd the best news - I'm cancer free. No better news could have been sent my way. Thank you God!
Hâs behaviour and lack of acknowledgment and conversation towards your birthday certainly suggests how self consumed he is. His the day after announcing that he has withdrawn $100K so he can move out confirms it. (IMO)
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I'm getting more of a guilt read here. He knows it was my birthday, he gave me a card! And purposely avoided me all day. He just didn't want to face me and all his shame about what he has done.
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H says he appreciates what you are trying to do regarding the debt. Notice: what âyouâ are trying to do, not what âweâ are trying to do.
Yep, what *I* am trying to do. In this R, there isn't much "we." H has no part in the finances and that's fine. Everyone is bad at something and he's horrible at managing money. I said "I" because I am managing the process. He's on board for the most part, and I think he sees that $100K as not counting because it's from his retirement account. More punting. "Who knows what's going to happen with the stock market. It could go to zero. I might not make it to retirement" etc. Excuses!!! And lame ones to boot. It's an idiotic decision which in and of itself has increased the likelihood that I will want to initiate D.
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H makes twice your salary. He promises - ah, more words. Believe none of what they say, and only fall of what they do. He promises to keep depositing into the joint account, and yet somehow fund a second residence and his life. And there are kids, college, and such yet to account for. And you!
His double your salary along with yourâs didnât get you two moving out of the red. How is another household and all the expenses going to help? Even if his âis the grass greenerâ experiment goes well, he (and you) is $100K further in debt.
Well - a couple things here. First of all, money has always been an issue. I am a saver, he is a spender, and - shocker - he's kind of immature sometimes and wants what he wants. He's not much for compromise. H had to take a 20% salary cut recently which was significant and it was THEN that I had to put my foot down and start managing things way more closely.
Secondly - my plan is to divert a certain amount from our household operating budget back to him -anything that's a "unit cost" like food, gas, clothing, haircuts etc - anything we would be paying for anyway. His "get laid" money will cover anything incremental like extra rent and utilities and all that. He is even talking about getting another car. I told him if he does that, the insurance is on him too. I would also ask that he relinquish our joint credit cards and would not be able to return to the household without a zero credit card balance. I will also put this in writing and have him sign it.
Thirdly - if he were the kind of person who discussed these things ahead of time, we wouldn't be in this situation, would we?
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It takes a long time for these lost souls to realize that family and love doesnât just grow on trees, or found on any random street corner. It takes effort and investment and sacrifice and commitment and responsibility and accountability and such. MLCers are running from that stuff.
It sure does. H knows this, and H also knows he doesn't have it in him to commit to any of it right now. Well, I guess that's good for him, but sooooo crappy for the rest of us. And let's be clear: I may not be perfect, but I have my life together. There is no reason (like substance abuse, mental health, financial irresponsibility or anger issues) for him to leave. He is going to find out soon that he misses having his dinner cooked and his laundry washed and folded.
My sister asked me what I get from him besides money and I said he can reach up high and lift heavy things. It's certainly not things like support or companionship, or even really helping out around the house much. That's on him. He has been pushing me away for a long time, and I honestly just didn't want to face that reality. My confidence that he will come back as the man I need him to be is very low - especially if he continues to make decisions in a vacuum.
Thank you so much. my h starts to do better and then it cycles back. this last month has been really hard with his anger. He will have fits of absolute rage and then turn into basically a 6 year old boy that is trying to make me happy like he would his mother. He has told me that he realizes that he only focuses on the negative of me. he has been home for about 11 months now. it is nice to read peoples stories that are a bit ahead of me so I can learn from their successes and mistakes. Glad you all are still moving forward.
Oh the infamous âbutâ. Justification, exception to the rule, reason to ignore and do/continue what one knows runs counter to their best interests.
Iâve seen many folks, here and IRL, jump into another relationship far too soon. The rush of infatuation and endorphins mistaken for acceptance and leading one to cease their difficult and necessary inner work. That pause is temporary. At some point all that stuff not processed and grieved does takes hold again. Being wrapped up in a new relationship makes it all the more harder and usually compounds oneâs inner work with a barrage of other events and feeling and such. Or even more significant like a proposal or marriage or child, when one is still not healed.
One year past the signing and the courts accepting the divorce is, IMHO, the minimum Iâd recommend before jumping back into the pool. So much gets stirred up in us during: BD, break up, separation, negotiation, divorce drafts, divorce agreement signed, divorce signed by courts, and finally being divorced. Each of those has their own slew of problems, feelings, pains, hurts, and so on. All take time to get through. And really cannot be rushed, only deferred.
At least one year, of sincere work. Know thy self, before bringing another soul into a relationship.
Hi Exquisite, I'm rarely here these days, so just now seeing your post. It's good to read what you're up to and how your life is now.
I used to need to know the meaning or reason for something. If I could understand the why, I reasoned, then it would be easier to let it go and move on.
That's BS. My need to know was an attempt to control an outcome. Deep down I thought that if I could understand the why, then I would be better able to protect myself from it ever happening again.
That's not how life works.
I'm now someone who no longer needs to understand MLC, and I'm someone who is grateful every day that I no longer need to understand it.
It is what it is.
The gift is that I've found great peace in not needing to understand any of it.
The energy I used to spend on trying to understand it is now spent on creating what I want in life. It's been a slow process for me, but progress nonetheless.
Our celebration was on July 1st. Lots of rain drowned out the fireworks here.
I did visit my son and DIL over the weekend. Their community moved their fireworks to Saturday. Maybe they were looking at the forecast. Anyhow, we did see the last minute online notice Saturday afternoon, so we made plans, went to the beach that night, and took in a pretty good display.
Thanks, Valeska. A nice side effect of continuing to make these behaviors my new habits means that, for the most part, they happen more automatically and naturally than when one starts the DB process. I recall how hard it was initially not to try to quickly and directly do what I felt I had to to quell my anxieties. Athletes talk about a point at which whatever their "game" is slows down for them and that is the closest way I can describe how I feel now when challenges arise. I don't feel a need to rush or make snap choices. Taking my time to note my feelings, stay calm, and work through what I've learned these last few years occurs more easily. It is the reward for having the stamina to stick with the process AND focus on your self-worth and development. I'm keeping MWDs books nearby, plus my notes and a copy of The Solo Partner which I've also found valuable. The work continues!
